As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse (CSA), stepping into the world can sometimes feel overwhelming, unpredictable, and even unsafe. The idea of socializing or trying new activities may bring up feelings of uncertainty or hesitation. However, connection—whether with others, nature, or creative expression—can be a powerful part of healing. Building meaningful connections doesn’t have to come with pressure or high expectations. There are many ways to engage with the world in a way that feels safer, and empowering. Below, we’ve outlined a variety of activities designed to help you nurture yourself and foster connection in low-stakes, supportive environments. Whether you’re looking for gentle movement, creative expression, or opportunities to meet like-minded individuals, these seven ideas provide a starting point to explore connection in a way that aligns with your comfort and pace. 1. Volunteer for a Cause That Feels Safe & Meaningful Giving back can be a powerful way to build connection without the pressure of deep personal interactions. Choose a cause that aligns with your values—whether it’s helping animals, planting trees, or assisting in a community pantry. Even if you don’t form immediate friendships, the work itself can be deeply fulfilling and help combat isolation. 2. Join a gentle, structured social group Joining a trauma-informed art class, writing workshop, or music circle allows you to express yourself in a non-verbal, safe, and healing way. Creative activities can be social but low-pressure, letting you connect with others without needing to share personal details. Consider spaces designed for quiet, shared experiences, such as a book club, meditation group, or gardening project. These allow for companionship without the expectation of deep personal sharing, making it easier to connect at a pace that feels safe. 3. Move Your Body in a Way That Feels Comfortable Physical activities like gentle yoga, nature walks, or dance can help regulate the nervous system while offering a chance to connect with like-minded individuals. Look for trauma-informed yoga or mindful movement classes where the focus is on body awareness, not performance. As healing is a personal journey and everyone moves at their own pace, you might prefer activities that offer more structure and social engagement. If you’re ready for a slightly more dynamic yet still low-pressure experience, joining a recreational sports league can be a great way to build camaraderie, develop skills, and enjoy social connection in a supportive environment. 4. Try the Smiling Experiment If social interactions feel overwhelming, start with a low-risk, high-reward activity: go for a walk and smile at as many people as you feel comfortable with. See how many smiles you receive back. Small, positive interactions can help rebuild trust in others while boosting your mood. 5. Send a card or write a letter Mail a handwritten card to a trusted family member, friend, or mentor. Writing can be a way to express connection without the pressure of a real-time conversation. A simple “I appreciate you” or “Thinking of you” can strengthen relationships and remind you that connection exists, even in small moments. 6. Connect with safe, familiar people If meeting new people feels overwhelming, start by deepening existing safe relationships. Invite a trusted friend or loved one for a simple, no-pressure activity like having coffee, watching a favorite show together, or visiting a quiet park. 7. Engage in an Online Supportive Community If in-person socializing feels like too much, online CSA survivor-friendly spaces (such as moderated peer-support groups or creative forums) can be a stepping stone to connection. Look for groups where engagement is optional, allowing you to participate at your comfort level. Remember, connection is a powerful part of healing. For more information on our peer supported programs check out https://thegatehouse.org/programs-and-services
Finding Your People: How to Build a Support System That Truly Cares
Written by: Erin Alexandra When we experience childhood sexual abuse (CSA) trauma, shame and guilt can take hold, influencing our actions and shaping how we see ourselves. These emotions often lead CSA survivors to withdraw, making their worlds feel smaller while the voice of shame grows louder and more dominant. Connection, however, fosters healing: Community acts as the earth, air, sunshine, and rain—nourishing us so that, like plants, we can grow and thrive. In safe, supportive spaces, we see our best qualities reflected in us. Through connection, we find validation and affirmation, and over time, our choices become guided by joy and fulfillment rather than fear and self-doubt. How then, do we move from isolation to connection when shame and guilt foster distrust? How do we build a support system? What we focus on expands—so rather than scanning for red flags to avoid, let’s intentionally seek out green flags, the qualities in people and relationships that foster trust, and safety. Signs of Trustworthy Behaviour Trusting after trauma can be challenging, and it can take time. Sometimes, we need to re-learn to trust our instincts. These are a few green flags to look for in people to help you remember that you deserve to be treated with love and respect. Respect for Boundaries A trustworthy person understands and respects your boundaries without pushing, questioning, or making you feel guilty. They listen when you express your needs and never pressure you to go beyond your comfort level. Likewise, when someone sets boundaries with you, it’s not a rejection—it’s an effort to maintain a healthy and respectful relationship. (Acceptance of your boundary, they don’t punish you for the boundary, adhere to the boundary, and clarify any confusion around the boundary) Actions Align with Their Words The saying ‘actions speak louder than words’ is a cliché for a reason. It’s easy to say the right thing, but true integrity is shown through follow-through. When someone’s actions align with their words, it reflects not just honesty, but also respect—for themselves, for you, and for what they say. This consistency builds a foundation where trust can grow naturally Reliability For CSA survivors, reliability is more than just keeping promises—it’s about creating a sense of safety and stability in relationships. When someone repeatedly lets us down, it can reinforce the fear that trusting others will only lead to disappointment. A reliable person, however, demonstrates through their actions that they are consistent, trustworthy, and safe. For CSA survivors, a reliable person provides reassurance that not all relationships are unpredictable or unsafe. Over time, their consistency can help rebuild trust, making it easier to form connections without fear of abandonment or betrayal. This looks like: Respecting commitments, emotional consistency, taking responsibility, and respecting your space. Empathy For CSA survivors, empathy is more than just kindness—it’s a crucial sign of emotional safety. A person who exhibits empathy listens without judgment, acknowledges your feelings, and respects your experiences without trying to fix, question, or minimize them. They understand that healing is not a linear process, and that trust is built over time, not demanded. For CSA survivors, genuine empathy fosters a sense of safety and trust, making it easier to engage in relationships without fear of being judged or misunderstood. It reassures you that your feelings and experiences matter, allowing space for healing at your own pace. This looks like: Active Listening; emotional validation; support without pressure/understanding that you know what’s best for you Good Communication For CSA survivors, clear and honest communication is essential in building safe and trusting relationships. Not everyone finds communication easy, but a trustworthy person tries to express their thoughts and feelings in a way that is honest, respectful, and considerate of your experiences. Even if they struggle, they are willing to learn, listen, and improve, ensuring that misunderstandings don’t become barriers to connection. For CSA survivors, honest and compassionate communication fosters emotional safety, making it easier to trust that your voice matters and will be met with respect. This looks like: Speaking with honesty, not harm; listening to understand, not just respond; clarity and consistency; and willingness to grow. Supportive For CSA survivors, supportiveness is more than encouragement—it’s about creating a space to share your growth, struggles, and successes without fear of judgment, comparison, or competition. A truly supportive person uplifts and validates your experiences, celebrating your achievements wholeheartedly while understanding that your healing and progress do not take away from their own. For CSA survivors, true support fosters a sense of trust, safety, and belonging. It reinforces the belief that healing and success are not solitary journeys—we rise together, in relationships built on mutual respect, understanding, and encouragement. This looks like: They show up in triumphs and challenges; they encourage rather than overshadow; support is mutual and respectful. Compassionate Accountability For CSA survivors, accountability can be a deeply complex issue, especially when past experiences have linked mistakes with shame, punishment, or fear. In healthy relationships, accountability is not about blame or control—it’s about learning, repairing, and growing together in a way that fosters safety and trust. Compassionate accountability means acknowledging harm without reinforcing shame. When someone expresses their hurt while remaining open to working through the issue, they demonstrate both respect and trust. This creates space for honest conversations, where mistakes can be addressed without fear of rejection, abandonment, or emotional retaliation. For CSA survivors, compassionate accountability builds relationships rooted in trust and emotional safety. It allows for honesty without fear of abandonment and creates a culture where growth is nurtured through mutual care rather than fear or punishment. This looks like: Mistakes are opportunities for growth, not weapons for shame; Accountability fosters safety, not fear; Repair is prioritized over perfection; Boundaries and respect guide the process Healing doesn’t have to be a journey walked alone. If you or someone you know is a CSA survivor, we encourage you to reach out and connect. Whether it’s through a support group, a trusted friend, or The Gatehouse community, there is strength in togetherness. You
Debunking the Myth: Abuse by Same Gender Does Not Determine Sexual Orientation
Debunking the Myth: Abuse by Same Gender Does Not Determine Sexual Orientation The intersection of abuse and sexuality is fraught with misconceptions and stigmas, one of the most pervasive being the belief that experiencing abuse from someone of the same gender determines or influences one’s sexual orientation. This myth not only distorts the understanding of abuse but also undermines the complex nature of human sexuality. It’s essential to dispel this misconception to foster a more accurate and compassionate discourse around abuse and sexual identity. Understanding the Myth The myth that abuse by someone of the same gender makes a person gay stems from a fundamental misunderstanding of both sexual orientation and the nature of abuse. This belief is rooted in harmful stereotypes and a lack of education about the dynamics of abuse and the development of sexual identity. Here are key points to consider in debunking this myth: Sexual Orientation is Inherent: Sexual orientation is a deeply ingrained aspect of who we are. It’s not something that can be changed or determined by external factors, including experiences of abuse. People are gay, straight, bisexual, or otherwise because of who they are, not because of what has happened to them. Abuse is About Power, Not Sexuality: Abuse, whether it is physical, emotional, or sexual, is fundamentally about power and control, not about sexual attraction. Perpetrators of abuse seek to exert dominance over their victims, and the gender of the abuser is irrelevant to the nature of the crime. Impact of Abuse: While abuse can profoundly affect a person’s psychological and emotional well-being, it does not dictate their sexual orientation. Survivors may struggle with intimacy, trust, and self-worth, but their core sexual identity remains their own. Addressing the Misconception To effectively debunk this myth, it’s crucial to address the underlying misconceptions and provide clear, evidence-based information: Educate About Sexual Orientation Understanding that sexual orientation is a natural, inherent trait helps dismantle the idea that it can be influenced by external events. Sexual orientation is typically established at an early age, long before any instances of abuse could occur. It is a part of who a person is, not a consequence of what they have experienced. Clarify the Nature of Abuse Highlighting that abuse is about power, control, and violence rather than sexual desire can help shift the focus from the gender of the abuser to the actions and motivations behind the abuse. Education efforts should emphasize that abuse can happen to anyone, by anyone, regardless of gender. Support for Survivors Providing comprehensive support for survivors is essential. This includes access to therapy, support groups, and educational resources that address both the impact of abuse and the development of a healthy understanding of one’s sexuality. Survivors need to know that their experiences of abuse do not define their sexual orientation or their worth. Challenging Homophobia and Stigma The myth that same-gender abuse determines sexual orientation is often fueled by homophobia and societal stigma. By challenging these prejudices and promoting acceptance and understanding of diverse sexual orientations, we can create a more supportive environment for all individuals, regardless of their experiences. Moving Forward Breaking down the myth that same-gender abuse determines sexual orientation is a critical step in supporting survivors and fostering a more accurate understanding of sexuality. Here are some actionable steps: Promote Education: Schools, communities, and organizations should incorporate comprehensive education about sexual orientation and the nature of abuse in their programs. Raise Awareness: Public awareness campaigns can help dispel myths and provide clear, supportive information to survivors and their loved ones. Support Survivors: Offer resources and safe spaces for survivors to share their experiences and receive the help they need without judgment or stigma. Conclusion The myth that being abused by someone of the same gender makes a person gay is not only incorrect but also harmful. It perpetuates misunderstandings about abuse and sexuality, adding to the stigma that survivors face. By educating ourselves and others, challenging homophobic attitudes, and supporting survivors, we can foster a more accurate and compassionate understanding of these complex issues. Sexual orientation is an intrinsic part of who we are, not a product of our traumas, and every individual deserves to be understood and respected for who they truly are.
Reclaiming Sexuality After Childhood Sexual Abuse
Childhood sexual abuse (CSA) casts long shadows, leaving scars that can permeate every facet of a survivor’s life. Among the most deeply affected areas is sexuality—a domain intertwined with identity, intimacy, and trust. Healing from such profound trauma is a complex, non-linear journey, but it is also a testament to human resilience and the possibility of reclaiming joy and wholeness. This blog post aims to shed light on the path toward healing and rediscovering a healthy sense of sexuality after childhood sexual abuse. Understanding the Impact The effects of CSA on an individual’s sexuality are profound and multifaceted. Survivors may experience a range of challenges, including: Shame and Guilt: Feelings of shame and guilt are common, as abusers often manipulate victims into believing they are complicit or at fault. Trust Issues: Trust, especially in intimate relationships, can be profoundly shaken, making it difficult to form and maintain healthy sexual relationships. Dissociation: Survivors might dissociate during sexual activity, disconnecting from their bodies as a coping mechanism. Distorted Self-Image: The trauma can lead to a distorted sense of self-worth and body image, affecting how survivors perceive and engage with their own sexuality. Hypersexuality or Sexual Aversion: Some may respond by becoming hypersexual, seeking validation or control through sex, while others might develop an aversion to sexual activity altogether. The Healing Process Healing from CSA is a deeply personal process that varies widely among survivors. However, some common steps can facilitate the journey toward reclaiming a healthy sense of sexuality: 1. Acknowledgment and Validation The first step is often the hardest: acknowledging the abuse and recognizing its impact. Survivors need to validate their experiences and emotions, understanding that the abuse was not their fault. Seeking support from a trusted friend, therapist, or support group can provide the necessary validation and a safe space to share their story. 2. Professional Therapy Engaging with a therapist who specializes in trauma and sexual abuse can be transformative. Therapeutic approaches such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), and Somatic Experiencing can help survivors process trauma, reduce symptoms, and develop healthier coping mechanisms. 3. Reconnecting with the Body Survivors often experience a disconnection from their bodies as a result of the abuse. Reconnecting with the body through practices like yoga, mindfulness, and somatic therapy can help restore a sense of safety and ownership over one’s physical self. These practices encourage present-moment awareness and can be powerful tools in reclaiming bodily autonomy. 4. Establishing Boundaries Learning to establish and assert healthy boundaries is crucial. This includes understanding personal limits, communicating needs, and recognizing that it’s okay to say no. Boundaries are essential for fostering a sense of control and safety in intimate interactions. 5. Exploring Healthy Sexuality Reclaiming sexuality involves exploring and understanding what feels safe and pleasurable. This might include self-exploration, solo sexual activities, or open communication with a partner. It’s about discovering what feels right on an individual level without pressure or judgment. 6. Building Trust and Intimacy Building trust takes time, patience, and effort. In relationships, open communication about fears, triggers, and needs is essential. Partners can support by being patient, understanding, and respectful of boundaries, fostering an environment where the survivor feels safe and valued. 7. Community and Peer Support Groups Joining support groups can provide a sense of community and shared experience. Hearing others’ stories and sharing one’s own can be incredibly validating and can reduce feelings of isolation. Discussions surrounding sexuality are part of The Gatehouse Phase 1 Out of the Darkness Into the Light 15 – week Program. For more information about this program, please click here Moving Forward Healing from CSA is a lifelong journey, marked by gradual progress and the occasional setback. It’s important for survivors to be gentle with themselves, celebrating small victories and seeking support when needed. Healing is not about forgetting the past but about integrating the experience into a narrative of resilience and growth. Sexuality is a fundamental part of being human, and reclaiming it after trauma is a powerful act of self-love and empowerment. Survivors deserve to experience pleasure, intimacy, and connection on their terms. With patience, support, and self-compassion, it is possible to heal and embrace a fulfilling and healthy sense of sexuality.
Nurturing Healthy Boundaries: Overcoming Childhood Trauma
Nurturing Healthy Boundaries: Overcoming Childhood Trauma for a Stronger Relationship Boundaries are largely formed in childhood, shaped by how children are treated and their early experiences. When children’s needs are met with care and security, they develop a healthy understanding of personal boundaries. Conversely, childhood abuse, especially childhood sexual abuse, can severely impact their sense of safety and self-identity. Abuse, whether physical, emotional, or sexual, violates boundaries, leaving victims feeling powerless and disconnected from their bodies and lives. Growing up in dysfunctional environments, where boundaries are unclear, leads to confusion and insecurity. Some children may not even recognize their right to individuality. Extreme cases of boundary issues can result in mental illnesses like Dissociative Identity Disorder, Schizophrenia, or personality disorders. Survivors of abuse may also experience less obvious but equally detrimental symptoms that impact their daily lives. Identifying collapsed boundaries is essential for personal growth and healing. Here are some examples of collapsed boundaries: Struggling to express wants and needs, and finding it hard to say ‘NO.’ Putting others’ needs before their own and suppressing their opinions. Feeling misunderstood and having others decide what’s best for them. Difficulty making decisions and understanding their emotions and thoughts. Overwhelming and uncontrollable emotions. One-sided relationships/lacking reciprocity. Feeling responsible for others’ moods and emotions. Intrusive thoughts and unexplained sensations. Difficulty focusing and being influenced by external factors. Repeating mistakes and lacking confidence in their experiences. Relying on others to define reality. Being taken advantage of without reciprocation (Heal for Life, n.d.) Recognizing and respecting individual limits and needs empowers couples to overcome the lasting effects of childhood trauma. Boundaries serve as a fundamental tool for maintaining a healthy relationship. Addressing any areas where boundaries may be lacking or broken leads to significant improvements in overall relationship health and strength. By working together to nurture healthy boundaries, couples can foster a deeper connection and create a secure foundation for their relationship. Healing from childhood trauma is vital for improved emotional well-being and a stronger foundation for intimate connections. Individuals can learn to establish healthy boundaries and build successful and fulfilling relationships by understanding and addressing the impact of childhood trauma. To learn more about nurturing healthy boundaries and overcoming the effects of childhood trauma on relationships, further exploration, and support are encouraged. In fostering a healthier romantic relationship, here are five types of boundaries that play a crucial role: Physical Boundaries: Respect for personal space, privacy, and comfort levels with public displays of affection is essential. Openly expressing preferences and expectations prevents discomfort and disrespect. Emotional Boundaries: Understanding one’s feelings and differentiating them from a partner’s emotions is vital for establishing healthy emotional limits. Sexual Boundaries: Open discussions and mutual agreement on expectations, considering any past traumas like childhood sexual abuse, are crucial for a fulfilling sex life. Intellectual Boundaries: Nurturing emotional intimacy involves respecting each other’s ideas and beliefs, and fostering open and honest communication. Financial Boundaries: Setting clear boundaries regarding joint accounts, savings, and discretionary spending prevents financial strain and conflicts in the relationship. Recognizing and respecting individual limits and needs empowers couples to overcome the lasting effects of childhood trauma. Boundaries serve as a fundamental tool for maintaining a healthy relationship. Addressing any areas where boundaries may be lacking or broken leads to significant improvements in overall relationship health and strength. By working together to nurture healthy boundaries, couples can foster a deeper connection and create a secure foundation for their relationship (Keir Brad Counseling Services, n.d.). Check out Jasmine and Stewart, The Gatehouse Staff talking about Boundaries by clicking the link below! References Heal for Life. (n.d.). The Effect of Trauma on Boundary Development. Retrieved from https://healforlife.com.au/the-effect-of-trauma-on-boundary-development/ Keir Brady Counseling Services. (n.d.). Relationship Boundaries. Retrieved from https://keirbradycounseling.com/relationship-boundaries/
How to use your creativity to help support you on your healing journey
How to use your creativity to help support you on your healing journey By: Selina Mattison, Placement Student at The Gatehouse, Social Service Worker Diploma Art is often used as an outlet for expressing difficult emotions. The arts are quite diverse, and have many different forms such as painting, architecture, sculpture, literature, music, performing and cinema. These outlets both help the artist and the viewer. However, you don’t have to be an artist to have creativity. There is an undeniable connection to trauma and creativity. Artists such as Vincent van Gogh, John Lennon and Maya Angelou (to name a few) were all similar in one way: they all had traumatic experiences. One of the reasons why trauma and creativity are connected are due to ‘shattered preconceptions’. ‘Shattered preconceptions’ refers to our imagination and the bounds it can reach. Our imagination requires the perception of possibility. When we are creative, it breaks through the limiting barriers of preconception we’re used to. The second reason is the isolation effect. Isolation, while not necessarily a positive thing, often is the birthplace of the most creative minds. When trauma makes you feel like isolating, often people look to creating to help spend their time. Whether it be painting or simply cooking. Thirdly, understanding and healing is a way of expressing more difficult emotions. There are some moments and experiences that words can’t describe, but rather, can only be expressed in color or in creativity. Researchers suggest that creatives use their negative experiences into creative ways as a mean to cope. Trauma induces creativity, and creativity induces post-traumatic growth. So where can we start? Not everyone is artistically inclined, but we can all be creatives. One way to be creative which anyone can do is collaging. Cut up some magazines, newspapers, etc. and glue them to a surface to create a piece of art. I personally find collaging to be very calming, and one of my favorite ways to create art, especially when I’m not in the mood to draw or paint. Also consuming art can be very soothing. Just listening to music or an audiobook can help inspire your creativity and support you on your healing journey. Finding a creative outlet, no matter what medium, is proven to be helpful and is worth trying out to see if it works for you. References https://amberlylago.com/the-link-between-creativity-trauma/#:~:text=Creativity%20helps%20the%20mind%20understand,creativity%20induces%20post%2Dtraumatic%20growth.
Releasing Self-Blame from the Inner Child after CSA
Releasing Self-Blame from the Inner Child after CSA By Amy Tai, Community and Justice Services Diploma, Program Assistant Guilt, shame, and self-blame often manifest within survivors of CSA. Transferring accountability and blame from the abuser to the victim can lead to self-blame. The abuser makes the victim feel accountable for their acts by placing blame on the person they harmed as though it were their responsibility. Given that they are too young and helpless to defend themselves, children who have experienced childhood sexual abuse (CSA) frequently fall victim to this kind of deception. No matter what you feel you did or didn’t do or allowed or didn’t allow, you are never the one to blame for the abuse you suffered. A crucial step in the healing process for any survivor is to let go and release all self-blame, both toward their inner child and toward their adult self. Abusers are the only ones who can ever bear the guilt and shame of their actions. Since it was not your responsibility, you have no reason to feel guilty or ashamed. Unfortunately, releasing shame and self-blame is not always so simple. According to Dr. Brene Brown, people who lack the ability to empathize cannot experience shame. As a result, those who experience shame have the ability to manage it: “Empathy is the antidote to shame (Hess, 2013).” With this in mind, here are some ways you can try to release shame and self-blame: Give yourself empathy. Try talking about your shame with someone you trust. Even if you don’t feel there is anyone you can talk to, you can try journaling. Write down your feelings of shame and self-blame. The more you are able to talk about it, write about it, and stare it in the face, the less power it has over you. Take the time to address the self-blame and shame that your inner child carries around. Release them from that burden. Write a letter to your younger self explaining to them that it is not their fault, they are not to blame. Try reciting this mantra to yourself when you feel shame and self-blame starting to take over: It does not matter what I did or didn’t do. I was sexually abused because my abuser chose to abuse me. I am not to blame for the abuse. Through this process of unravelling the web of confusion surrounding guilt, shame, and self-blame, you will become aware of guilt and shame that have been passed on to you that you have internalized as your own. By doing this, you can redistribute this toxic guilt and shame to its rightful place: on the abuser and others who have harmed you. This allows you to take back control of reality and understand what really happened. Any crippling self-blame and shame no longer have a home in you. You are free to live your life to the fullest. References Hess, W. (2013, February 21). Empathy is the Antidote to Shame. Whitney Hess. https://whitneyhess.com/blog/2013/02/21/empathy-is-the-antidote-to-shame/#:%7E:text=Brown%20argues%20that%20shame%20cannot,are%2C%20%E2%80%9CMe%20too.%E2%80%9D
Canada Day 2021: A Time for Radical Reflection
Canada Day 2021: A Time for Radical Reflection. It is not about guilt, it’s about how we move forward as a country. Since the late 1970s I developed an ambivalence towards my adopted “home” when I learned that the architects of apartheid South Africa visited Canada to study and learn from Canada’s Indian Act, its policies and practices towards Indigenous, First Nations, Metis and Inuit Peoples. This was also the time of the growing anti-apartheid movement across the globe. Moreover, my personal experience with education here in Canada when I was told by educators that I was aiming too high by wanting to attend university, as well as other experiences of direct and indirect racism and the increasing knowledge of settler colonialism, my resolve and commitment to making Canada my adopted home a better place began. Despite my cognition, mental state and motivations being questioned when I shared my knowledge of the connection between apartheid and the treatment of Indigenous Peoples, I pushed on. Some of my colleagues, students and friends, I am confident, will attest to my trials and tribulations related to effecting change within the spheres I travelled both in Canada and abroad. This commitment to making Canada a better place is an ongoing endeavour especially since I have come to realize that despite its shortfalls, Canada is still one of the better places in the world to live. I also believe Canada can definitely improve if we can have a collective visionary determination for addressing injustices. This Canada Day, 2021 is an opportunity for all Canadians to reflect on Canada’s dark and ugly history especially its anti-Indigenous racism which is steeped in its colonial history. While some of us have known of this history, many others amongst us in Canada have revealed they did not know due to deliberate omissions in Canadian institutions especially education. The time to plead ignorance and willful blindness is over. The grim somber and horrifying discoveries confirming the deaths and unmarked graves of children in Kamloops BC, and Marieval, Saskatchewan is unfortunately only the beginning of such confirmations of the historic atrocities across our country. Therefore, since it is never too late to reflect, Canada Day 2021 should be a day for serious reflection on the past, a realization of having to go further in making Canada a better inclusive country for all, and especially committing to honour The Truth and Reconciliation Report, the Missing and Murdered Women and Girls Report and many other such reports and their recommendations. The fact that with the exception of Indigenous Peoples, the rest of us are settlers, directly or indirectly implicated in settler colonialism and its benefits, we need to realize that reconciliation is a national project that needs to be undertaken by us all. Moving forward towards social justice for all Canadians is about belonging and inclusivity and for this the concept of intersectionality is very important if we claim to be committed to disavowing systemic racism based on Canadian and provincial human rights codes which prohibit discrimination of any kind, including anti- Indigenous, anti-Asian, anti-Black, anti-Muslim and anti-Semitism to flourish in our institutions. This work is difficult but needs to be done by starting with each of us questioning our biases, where and how we learned them and then committing to unlearning them to change our attitudes and behaviors since we are all influenced by various institutions. Sabra Desai, Chair of Board of Directors, The Gatehouse. June 29/2021
Letting go of your past – Moving Beyond Childhood Sexual Abuse Trauma
Letting go of your past – Moving Beyond Childhood Sexual Abuse Trauma By: Maria Barcelos, MA, Executive Director, The Gatehouse & Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying) It happened. Childhood sexual abuse does not define who I am as a person. This is a realization that took me decades to accept. I often thought that if someone knew, they would not want to be my friend, or they would look at me differently. I am not alone in this. I know this because, in the 10 years of working at The Gatehouse, I have heard these “me too” responses to this very experience from hundreds of survivors. Why is it that many survivors feel like it does? It’s shame talking. The shame of carrying the story of the abuse. The shame of feeling unworthy because of it. The shame of the abuse is not mine to hold. What would it look like to let go of that shame? For me, it was accepting that it was not my fault and that I am more than my abuse. Survivors of childhood sexual abuse often spend years minimizing the events or dismissing them by pretending it did not happen or by surrendering to feelings of guilt or self-blame. It was not my fault. I will write this again; it was not my fault. It was not your fault. Accepting this reality for some survivors is difficult, as the self-blame has kept them in survival, has kept them alive. The self-blame no longer serves us. This is sometimes expressed in the inner child work that is done at The Gatehouse phase 1 program. Sometimes survivors may experience anger and indifference to their inner child. Healing is not linear. There is no set process that says, if you do this and that, you will be able to let go of the hurt you feel. It is your journey and you are not alone in it. An unhealed past often manifests itself in the present in unhelpful ways. This often happens when survivors do not acknowledge the impact of the abuse, the many losses they have experienced after the abuse. Some survivors may think that they are totally healed. The old behaviours that helped us survive are often no longer serving us in the present moment. Think about what this looks like for you. What are you still doing that you know is hurting or hold you back from living your best life? What are some other habits that you want to develop that will help you stop self-sabotaging your healing journey? These are difficult questions because they invite us to explore some of the most shameful aspects of our daily life experiences. The answers you write today to these may change over time and that is OK. You are not alone. Seeking support on the healing journey is important to rebuilding trust and a sense of safety. I have heard so many stories from survivors about how they told someone, and they did not feel supported or were shut down shortly after because the receiver was uncomfortable, and the survivor then became the comforter. Dr. Brene Brown’s words come to mind often in these examples, “people have to earn the right to hear your story.” Who do you trust with your story? Healing from CSA trauma takes time, patience, and self-love. There is no set timeline or perfect therapy or program that is going to “fix you.” You do not need to be fixed because you are not broken. You are worthy of love and belonging. You are a human being that was harmed. The abuse happened to you. It does not define who you are as a human being. The Gatehouse provides peer support groups for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. To schedule a confidential intake meeting, contact Stephanie@thegatehouse.org
Inner Child: A Visitor From the Past
Hello, fellow survivors!! I am a survivor and am taking part in the phase one peer support program at The Gatehouse. Since we began, we’ve discussed topics such as anger, addiction, and triggers. This week: the sixth session, was the first of three sessions that focus entirely on our “Inner Child.” I looked over the entire program when we first received it, but I had forgotten about this part of it, and it caused just a wee bit of anxiety…was I going to be able to connect with her, or would she be evasive like she’s been with some of my memories? We were asked to bring a photo of ourselves, one that had been taken during our childhood. I wasn’t sure what we were going to do with this photo, but I had no doubt which one I was going to choose; it had been given to me by my mother decades earlier. I never understood why she gave me something that I thought should have been a keepsake for her, but I put it in one of the middle drawers of my dresser, and pretty much forgot about it. When I went to get the photo in question, I realized there were some class photos, as well as a six-inch lock of my hair in the same envelope. I looked through the photos and then held up the lock of hair, remembering that it had been mine. The tears started rolling down my cheeks because it reminded me of a traumatic incident that happened to me when I was quite young – maybe five? My mother had gotten angry with me for going outside and messing up my hair. It had gotten tangled while I was outside playing and when I whined while she was trying to brush it, she took a pair of scissors and cut off one of my pigtails just above my left ear. I was devastated because I had just started kindergarten and here, I was looking like a little boy with a really bad haircut, instead of a little girl. I looked at the picture of me at least 10 times in the five days before this week’s group, and the more I looked at it, the more I realized how little I was. I was so young and vulnerable, and I didn’t deserve to be treated like I was less than human. The guilt and shame that I’d been living with for decades, should never have been directed at me – ever. As I mentioned earlier, I’d already read part of this week’s material, so I was nervous when Monday came, and the group started. I don’t know about you, but I’ve been hiding from my inner child; for decades, and I knew that trying to connect with her might not be easy. Not only that, but survivors also don’t always connect the first time and I was afraid that would be me. At the start of the meditation, the facilitator that was leading us through it told us to get comfortable, close our eyes and concentrate on the sound of her voice, and what she was saying. If you’ve never meditated before, you might find this difficult in the beginning, but I’ve been meditating for close to two years and I was able to open my mind completely. I listened to the facilitator’s voice gently guiding me towards my inner child: …breathe in and out, slowly and deep into your belly. …relax all the way down your back. …allow your thoughts to become peaceful. …go to a place where you felt safe as a child. …when you have something make the image as clear as you can. …now imagine your child self, coming towards you… I was getting to my safe place when I heard her say those last seven words, and as I heard them, my breathe caught in my throat. I could see her; me and as she walked towards me, I couldn’t hear the facilitator anymore, all I could hear was myself saying, you’re so small; you’re just a small child. It was bright; so incredibly bright, almost like the little child walking towards me was an angel and the light was shining out of her. She slowly walked towards me and as she took my hand in hers, I could see that her face was beaming with joy. I asked her what she wanted from me and she told me that she just wanted to walk with me. There was this bright light all around us, and it felt so good to be walking alongside her. We walked quietly, relishing in each other’s company, and when I asked her if she was tired from walking, she said yes. I then asked her if she wanted me to pick her up, and she nodded her head yes. I reached down and as I lifted her little body into my arms, I was reminded of how tiny she was. She reached up with both hands and stroked my hair before tucking her head under my chin and wrapping her arms around my neck. It felt so comforting to hold her, so I just stood there and rocked with her, telling her how much I loved her. We cried, but they were happy tears because we were so happy that we had finally reunited with one another. When I put her down, she held her hands out to me and when I reached out to see what she was giving to me, she very gently put a frog in my hand; smiled at me and skipped away. The meditation was so profound, especially the frog because I’ve always loved frogs and I believe it was a way for my inner child to show me that she wants me to get in touch with that little girl and show her how to play and be happy. She also wants me to stop blaming myself because she said that it never