Written by: Erin Alexandra
When we experience childhood sexual abuse (CSA) trauma, shame and guilt can take hold, influencing our actions and shaping how we see ourselves. These emotions often lead CSA survivors to withdraw, making their worlds feel smaller while the voice of shame grows louder and more dominant. Connection, however, fosters healing: Community acts as the earth, air, sunshine, and rain—nourishing us so that, like plants, we can grow and thrive. In safe, supportive spaces, we see our best qualities reflected in us. Through connection, we find validation and affirmation, and over time, our choices become guided by joy and fulfillment rather than fear and self-doubt. How then, do we move from isolation to connection when shame and guilt foster distrust? How do we build a support system?
What we focus on expands—so rather than scanning for red flags to avoid, let’s intentionally seek out green flags, the qualities in people and relationships that foster trust, and safety.
Signs of Trustworthy Behaviour
Trusting after trauma can be challenging, and it can take time. Sometimes, we need to re-learn to trust our instincts. These are a few green flags to look for in people to help you remember that you deserve to be treated with love and respect.
Respect for Boundaries
A trustworthy person understands and respects your boundaries without pushing, questioning, or making you feel guilty. They listen when you express your needs and never pressure you to go beyond your comfort level. Likewise, when someone sets boundaries with you, it’s not a rejection—it’s an effort to maintain a healthy and respectful relationship. (Acceptance of your boundary, they don’t punish you for the boundary, adhere to the boundary, and clarify any confusion around the boundary)
Actions Align with Their Words
The saying ‘actions speak louder than words’ is a cliché for a reason. It’s easy to say the right thing, but true integrity is shown through follow-through. When someone’s actions align with their words, it reflects not just honesty, but also respect—for themselves, for you, and for what they say. This consistency builds a foundation where trust can grow naturally
Reliability
For CSA survivors, reliability is more than just keeping promises—it’s about creating a sense of safety and stability in relationships. When someone repeatedly lets us down, it can reinforce the fear that trusting others will only lead to disappointment. A reliable person, however, demonstrates through their actions that they are consistent, trustworthy, and safe. For CSA survivors, a reliable person provides reassurance that not all relationships are unpredictable or unsafe. Over time, their consistency can help rebuild trust, making it easier to form connections without fear of abandonment or betrayal.
This looks like: Respecting commitments, emotional consistency, taking responsibility, and respecting your space.
Empathy
For CSA survivors, empathy is more than just kindness—it’s a crucial sign of emotional safety. A person who exhibits empathy listens without judgment, acknowledges your feelings, and respects your experiences without trying to fix, question, or minimize them. They understand that healing is not a linear process, and that trust is built over time, not demanded. For CSA survivors, genuine empathy fosters a sense of safety and trust, making it easier to engage in relationships without fear of being judged or misunderstood. It reassures you that your feelings and experiences matter, allowing space for healing at your own pace.
This looks like: Active Listening; emotional validation; support without pressure/understanding that you know what’s best for you
Good Communication
For CSA survivors, clear and honest communication is essential in building safe and trusting relationships. Not everyone finds communication easy, but a trustworthy person tries to express their thoughts and feelings in a way that is honest, respectful, and considerate of your experiences. Even if they struggle, they are willing to learn, listen, and improve, ensuring that misunderstandings don’t become barriers to connection. For CSA survivors, honest and compassionate communication fosters emotional safety, making it easier to trust that your voice matters and will be met with respect.
This looks like: Speaking with honesty, not harm; listening to understand, not just respond; clarity and consistency; and willingness to grow.
Supportive
For CSA survivors, supportiveness is more than encouragement—it’s about creating a space to share your growth, struggles, and successes without fear of judgment, comparison, or competition. A truly supportive person uplifts and validates your experiences, celebrating your achievements wholeheartedly while understanding that your healing and progress do not take away from their own. For CSA survivors, true support fosters a sense of trust, safety, and belonging. It reinforces the belief that healing and success are not solitary journeys—we rise together, in relationships built on mutual respect, understanding, and encouragement.
This looks like: They show up in triumphs and challenges; they encourage rather than overshadow; support is mutual and respectful.
Compassionate Accountability
For CSA survivors, accountability can be a deeply complex issue, especially when past experiences have linked mistakes with shame, punishment, or fear. In healthy relationships, accountability is not about blame or control—it’s about learning, repairing, and growing together in a way that fosters safety and trust. Compassionate accountability means acknowledging harm without reinforcing shame. When someone expresses their hurt while remaining open to working through the issue, they demonstrate both respect and trust. This creates space for honest conversations, where mistakes can be addressed without fear of rejection, abandonment, or emotional retaliation. For CSA survivors, compassionate accountability builds relationships rooted in trust and emotional safety. It allows for honesty without fear of abandonment and creates a culture where growth is nurtured through mutual care rather than fear or punishment.
This looks like: Mistakes are opportunities for growth, not weapons for shame; Accountability fosters safety, not fear; Repair is prioritized over perfection; Boundaries and respect guide the process
Healing doesn’t have to be a journey walked alone. If you or someone you know is a CSA survivor, we encourage you to reach out and connect. Whether it’s through a support group, a trusted friend, or The Gatehouse community, there is strength in togetherness. You are worthy of support, healing, and connection.