For survivors of childhood sexual abuse (CSA), the path to healing is both deeply personal and courageous. Creative expression—through art, writing, and music—can offer a vital, non-verbal language for processing trauma, reclaiming power, and finding moments of solace. While the journey is unique for everyone, engaging in creative practices can provide a safe space to explore and articulate feelings that are often too complex for words alone. Art as a Tool for Emotional Processing Art provides a medium where emotions too deep for conversation can be visually expressed. For many CSA survivors, painting, drawing, or sculpting can transform internal pain into tangible forms that capture both sorrow and strength. This creative process helps externalize emotions, enabling survivors to gradually face and understand their experiences in a controlled, personal space. Sometimes, the hardest feelings can’t be easily put into words. Visual art allows these feelings to be communicated in a way that feels safe and personal. Furthermore, engaging with art often induces a meditative state. This mindful process can create moments of calm and reflection, helping to alleviate the overwhelming intensity of trauma. Writing to Reframe and Reclaim Your Story Writing offers a structured way to explore and reframe personal experiences. Through journaling, poetry, or storytelling, survivors can give voice to their feelings and reshape their narratives. This act of writing not only serves as a cathartic release but also empowers survivors to see themselves beyond their trauma. Writing allows for the honest exploration of thoughts and memories in a private space, offering a release valve for pent-up emotions. When survivors use language to express their experience survivors can gradually reframe their past, transforming pain into a story of resilience and strength. If a survivor ever feels like sharing their personal writing, whether in a support group or creative workshop, this act can foster a sense of belonging and remind survivors that they are not alone in their journey. Music’s Unique Role in Emotional Healing Music possesses a unique power to soothe the mind and heart. For CSA survivors, both listening to and creating music can be profoundly therapeutic. Music’s ability to evoke emotions and memories makes it a potent tool for processing trauma and reclaiming emotional balance. A melody or rhythm can reflect and modulate the inner emotional landscape, offering moments of comfort and connection. Whether it’s learning an instrument, singing, or composing, actively making music can be an empowering act, one that reclaims control over one’s narrative. Participating in musical groups or community choirs creates opportunities for shared experiences, reinforcing the message that healing is not a solitary journey. The journey to healing for CSA survivors is not linear. Creative expression is not about producing perfect art, flawless prose, or harmonious music, it’s about the courage to explore one’s inner world and find personal meaning in the process. Every brushstroke, every written word, and every note played is a step toward reclaiming your narrative and reinforcing your strength. Working in a creative medium teaches us the importance of being gentle with ourselves. Just as learning the medium takes time, so too does healing. Every small step is a victory. Creativity as a Step Toward Resilience For CSA survivors, creative expression offers a pathway to healing that honors the complexity of personal trauma while opening doors to resilience and renewal. All mediums of art provide control over how survivors engage with their own experiences, how they choose to share their story. Through art, writing, and music, survivors can find a voice beyond the silence of their past—a voice that speaks of hope, strength, and the transformative power of creativity. Embrace your creative journey as a step toward healing and remember that every expression of your inner self is a celebration of your strength and survival. Artistic endeavour is a declaration that your story matters and that you have the power to shape your present and your future. For more information about our Expressive Arts Therapy Group Programs visit https://thegatehouse.org/programs-and-services/supplemental/expressive-arts-therapy
Breaking the Silence: Overcoming Childhood Sexual Abuse as an LGBTQ+ Individual
Childhood sexual abuse is a deeply traumatic experience that leaves life-long detrimental impacts on the lives of survivors. For LGBTQ+ individuals, this trauma can be compounded by societal stigma, identity struggles, and a lack of adequate support systems. This blog post aims to shed light on the unique challenges faced by LGBTQ+ survivors of childhood sexual abuse and provide guidance on the journey towards healing and empowerment. Understanding the Intersection of Identities and Trauma Sexual abuse in childhood is a harrowing experience, and for LGBTQ+ individuals, the trauma is often intertwined with their identity development. The confusion, shame, and fear stemming from abuse can severely impact one’s understanding and acceptance of their sexual orientation or gender identity. It is crucial to recognize and validate this intersection to foster healing. Common Challenges Faced by LGBTQ+ Survivors Many survivors, regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identity, struggle with feelings of shame and guilt. However, LGBTQ+ individuals might also internalize societal prejudices, believing their abuse is somehow connected to their identity, which can hinder self-acceptance and healing. Fear of being judged or misunderstood often leads LGBTQ+ survivors to isolate themselves. The lack of representation and understanding within both LGBTQ+ and survivor communities can exacerbate feelings of loneliness and alienation. Furthermore, many LGBTQ+ individuals face discrimination or lack of understanding from healthcare providers, therapists, and support groups. This mistrust can deter them from seeking help and support, prolonging their journey to recovery. Steps Towards Healing Acknowledge and Accept Your Identity: Recognize that your sexual orientation or gender identity is not a consequence of the abuse. Embrace your true self and understand that you are worthy of love and respect. Self-acceptance is a crucial step towards healing. Seek LGBTQ+-Friendly Therapy: Finding a therapist who is not only trained in trauma but also knowledgeable about LGBTQ+ issues can make a significant difference. Look for professionals who advertise themselves as LGBTQ+-affirmative or who come recommended by local LGBTQ+ organizations. Connect with Supportive Communities: Joining LGBTQ+ support groups, both online and offline, can provide a sense of belonging and understanding. These communities can offer empathy, shared experiences, and valuable resources for healing. Educate Yourself and Others: Knowledge is empowering. Educate yourself about the effects of childhood sexual abuse and the experiences of LGBTQ+ survivors. Sharing this knowledge with others can help break down stigma and create a more supportive environment for all survivors. Practice Self-Care and Self-Compassion: Healing from trauma is a long and non-linear process. Prioritize self-care activities that bring you peace and joy. Practice self-compassion and remind yourself that healing takes time and it’s okay to have setbacks. Advocate for Change: Use your voice to advocate for better support systems and resources for LGBTQ+ survivors of sexual abuse. Engage with local organizations, participate in awareness campaigns, or even share your story if you feel safe to do so. Overcoming childhood sexual abuse is an immense challenge, and being an LGBTQ+ individual adds layers of complexity to the healing process. However, it is possible to reclaim your life, embrace your identity, and build a future defined by resilience and empowerment. Remember, you are not alone. There is a vast community ready to support you, and your journey towards healing can inspire others to find their own path to recovery. Healing is a deeply personal journey, but together, by breaking the silence and fostering understanding, we can create a world where every survivor feels seen, heard, and supported. For more information about The Gatehouse Out of the Darkness: Into the Light program, visit https://thegatehouse.org/adult-support-program/
Empowering Survivors: Overcoming Shame and Guilt
Empowering Survivors into Overcoming Shame and Guilt Written by: Beatriz Cruz, Social Service Worker (Diploma), Previous Practicum Student Empowerment can be a useful tool in supporting survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse and in overcoming the shame and guilt associated with these experiences. In my experience as a placement student at The Gatehouse I have come across a few participants who mention having a lack of support from others and how this contributes to their internalization of shame and guilt and owning their abuse. Dorahy and Clearwater (2012), refer to shame as how people perceive themselves and how they believe they are perceived by others, and note that shame is associated with hostility and self-deprecating beliefs and reactions of the self. Furthermore, dissociation also plays a role in the regulation or elimination of feelings of shame (Dorahy and Clearwater, 2012). Guilt, on the other hand, is associated with self-evaluation and arises when an individual believes that they are breaking a social or moral code or violating their own beliefs (Dohary and Clearwater, 2012). Survivors of childhood sexual abuse often believe they are to blame for their experiences, which further allows for feelings of guilt and shame to persist. This is where empowerment comes in to work on those feelings of shame and form newer and more positive notions of the self. Moreover, empowerment in relation to survivors of childhood sexual abuse refers to the restoration of the individual’s self-control and well-being, and it can come from the individual and/or other supports (Itsaranuwat et al., 2021). Empowerment can come from the self via mindfulness meditation, in which one is able to cognitively reframe past and current experiences by becoming aware of negative and unhelpful thoughts associated with shame and guilt, and practice replacing them with more supportive and empathetic ones (Whitaker, 2017). In addition, part of self-empowerment may include recognizing a need for additional help with these thoughts and feelings and taking an additional step by reaching out to a professional or safe person to confide in. Empowering a survivor of childhood sexual abuse may look like this: Showing the survivor that you believe them and what they have experienced Actively listening to what the survivor has to say with no opinionated commentary Providing a safe space by acknowledging the survivor’s feelings Acknowledging their strength and courage in reaching out Thanking the survivor for confiding in you with their experience Encouraging decision-making regarding problems that allow survivors to regain their power/reclaim their voice, but ultimately leaving the power to decide and/or choose the course of action to the survivor (Itsaranuwat et al., 2021) Lastly, it is important to recognize survivors’ feelings regarding their sense of shame and guilt, however, it may be beneficial to remind them that what they experienced was not their fault. The last time I mentioned to a participant that they were not to blame for their abuse, this individual related back to me that they had not heard that sentence coming from someone else in a very long time and that they experienced a sense of relief upon hearing it. It may not sound like much, but it can mean a lot for survivors who experience self-blame along with shame and guilt. References Dorahy, M. J., & Clearwater, K. (2012). Shame and guilt in men exposed to childhood sexual abuse: A qualitative investigation. Journal of Child Sexual Abuse, 21(2), 155–175. https://doi.org/10.1080/10538712.2012.659803 Itsaranuwat, W., Pathumcharoenwattana, W., & Ua-amnoey, J. (2021). Empowerment to Sexual Assault Survivors: The Role of Family and Trustworthy Person. Psychology and Education Journal, 58(4), 2079–2084. Retrieved from http://psychologyandeducation.net/pae/index.php/pae/article/view/4977/4351. Whitaker, J. (2020, January 30). How to empower yourself to overcome shame. Mindful Ways to Wellness. Retrieved April 4, 2023, from https://www.mindfulwaystowellness.com/post/how-to-empower-yourself-to-overcome-shame
I Found My Happy Place at The Gatehouse
I Found My Happy Place at The Gatehouse Written by: Pamela, Practicum Student, The Gatehouse I came to the Gatehouse as a placement student to gain firsthand experience of working with people who have, in one way or another, suffered trauma. Little did I know I was going to find my own healing from a silent trauma killer. Migrating from Africa to the Western world opened my eyes to the struggles that people in Africa endure without receiving healing or having a voice to speak out. The after-effects of domestic violence, sexual abuse, verbal, and physical abuse all lead to trauma, leaving deep scars in the person. These scars include fear, lack of trust, not living to one’s fullest potential, and a theft of peace and happiness. Learning from the Gatehouse’s Director, Maria, and Stewart, as well as interacting with the staff, taught me that where there is life, there is hope, especially with the support the Gatehouse offers everyone. Embracing compassion, support, and empathy at the Gatehouse helped me heal from this silent trauma that was eroding my peace, joy, happiness, and freedom. I only realized this transformation when I noticed positive changes within myself a few weeks after working at the Gatehouse. Engaging in reading, following the learning goals, and sharing reflections on social media to help others with childhood sexual abuse also facilitated my own healing. In the past, I used to act irrationally, influenced by my childhood trauma. I was constantly afraid of the unknown. It was my little daughter who one day noticed the positive changes in me and pointed them out. It brought tears to my eyes because deep inside, I knew I had found inner peace, calmness, and happiness. I began to appreciate the things I once took for granted in my everyday life. To anyone out there facing trauma, I encourage you to search within yourself and embrace the possibility of healing. The Gatehouse became my happy place, where I discovered a second chance at healing from my trauma.
Nurturing Healthy Boundaries: Overcoming Childhood Trauma
Nurturing Healthy Boundaries: Overcoming Childhood Trauma for a Stronger Relationship Boundaries are largely formed in childhood, shaped by how children are treated and their early experiences. When children’s needs are met with care and security, they develop a healthy understanding of personal boundaries. Conversely, childhood abuse, especially childhood sexual abuse, can severely impact their sense of safety and self-identity. Abuse, whether physical, emotional, or sexual, violates boundaries, leaving victims feeling powerless and disconnected from their bodies and lives. Growing up in dysfunctional environments, where boundaries are unclear, leads to confusion and insecurity. Some children may not even recognize their right to individuality. Extreme cases of boundary issues can result in mental illnesses like Dissociative Identity Disorder, Schizophrenia, or personality disorders. Survivors of abuse may also experience less obvious but equally detrimental symptoms that impact their daily lives. Identifying collapsed boundaries is essential for personal growth and healing. Here are some examples of collapsed boundaries: Struggling to express wants and needs, and finding it hard to say ‘NO.’ Putting others’ needs before their own and suppressing their opinions. Feeling misunderstood and having others decide what’s best for them. Difficulty making decisions and understanding their emotions and thoughts. Overwhelming and uncontrollable emotions. One-sided relationships/lacking reciprocity. Feeling responsible for others’ moods and emotions. Intrusive thoughts and unexplained sensations. Difficulty focusing and being influenced by external factors. Repeating mistakes and lacking confidence in their experiences. Relying on others to define reality. Being taken advantage of without reciprocation (Heal for Life, n.d.) Recognizing and respecting individual limits and needs empowers couples to overcome the lasting effects of childhood trauma. Boundaries serve as a fundamental tool for maintaining a healthy relationship. Addressing any areas where boundaries may be lacking or broken leads to significant improvements in overall relationship health and strength. By working together to nurture healthy boundaries, couples can foster a deeper connection and create a secure foundation for their relationship. Healing from childhood trauma is vital for improved emotional well-being and a stronger foundation for intimate connections. Individuals can learn to establish healthy boundaries and build successful and fulfilling relationships by understanding and addressing the impact of childhood trauma. To learn more about nurturing healthy boundaries and overcoming the effects of childhood trauma on relationships, further exploration, and support are encouraged. In fostering a healthier romantic relationship, here are five types of boundaries that play a crucial role: Physical Boundaries: Respect for personal space, privacy, and comfort levels with public displays of affection is essential. Openly expressing preferences and expectations prevents discomfort and disrespect. Emotional Boundaries: Understanding one’s feelings and differentiating them from a partner’s emotions is vital for establishing healthy emotional limits. Sexual Boundaries: Open discussions and mutual agreement on expectations, considering any past traumas like childhood sexual abuse, are crucial for a fulfilling sex life. Intellectual Boundaries: Nurturing emotional intimacy involves respecting each other’s ideas and beliefs, and fostering open and honest communication. Financial Boundaries: Setting clear boundaries regarding joint accounts, savings, and discretionary spending prevents financial strain and conflicts in the relationship. Recognizing and respecting individual limits and needs empowers couples to overcome the lasting effects of childhood trauma. Boundaries serve as a fundamental tool for maintaining a healthy relationship. Addressing any areas where boundaries may be lacking or broken leads to significant improvements in overall relationship health and strength. By working together to nurture healthy boundaries, couples can foster a deeper connection and create a secure foundation for their relationship (Keir Brad Counseling Services, n.d.). Check out Jasmine and Stewart, The Gatehouse Staff talking about Boundaries by clicking the link below! References Heal for Life. (n.d.). The Effect of Trauma on Boundary Development. Retrieved from https://healforlife.com.au/the-effect-of-trauma-on-boundary-development/ Keir Brady Counseling Services. (n.d.). Relationship Boundaries. Retrieved from https://keirbradycounseling.com/relationship-boundaries/
How to use your creativity to help support you on your healing journey
How to use your creativity to help support you on your healing journey By: Selina Mattison, Placement Student at The Gatehouse, Social Service Worker Diploma Art is often used as an outlet for expressing difficult emotions. The arts are quite diverse, and have many different forms such as painting, architecture, sculpture, literature, music, performing and cinema. These outlets both help the artist and the viewer. However, you don’t have to be an artist to have creativity. There is an undeniable connection to trauma and creativity. Artists such as Vincent van Gogh, John Lennon and Maya Angelou (to name a few) were all similar in one way: they all had traumatic experiences. One of the reasons why trauma and creativity are connected are due to ‘shattered preconceptions’. ‘Shattered preconceptions’ refers to our imagination and the bounds it can reach. Our imagination requires the perception of possibility. When we are creative, it breaks through the limiting barriers of preconception we’re used to. The second reason is the isolation effect. Isolation, while not necessarily a positive thing, often is the birthplace of the most creative minds. When trauma makes you feel like isolating, often people look to creating to help spend their time. Whether it be painting or simply cooking. Thirdly, understanding and healing is a way of expressing more difficult emotions. There are some moments and experiences that words can’t describe, but rather, can only be expressed in color or in creativity. Researchers suggest that creatives use their negative experiences into creative ways as a mean to cope. Trauma induces creativity, and creativity induces post-traumatic growth. So where can we start? Not everyone is artistically inclined, but we can all be creatives. One way to be creative which anyone can do is collaging. Cut up some magazines, newspapers, etc. and glue them to a surface to create a piece of art. I personally find collaging to be very calming, and one of my favorite ways to create art, especially when I’m not in the mood to draw or paint. Also consuming art can be very soothing. Just listening to music or an audiobook can help inspire your creativity and support you on your healing journey. Finding a creative outlet, no matter what medium, is proven to be helpful and is worth trying out to see if it works for you. References https://amberlylago.com/the-link-between-creativity-trauma/#:~:text=Creativity%20helps%20the%20mind%20understand,creativity%20induces%20post%2Dtraumatic%20growth.
Learning to say NO and not feel guilty about it!
Written by: Sienna Wallwork, BSc. Family & Community Social Services, Program Assistant Saying No without Guilt Whether we like it or not, there will always come a time when we have to say no to something that is requested of us. We may not have the mental or physical energy, or it is just simply something we cannot do. This can be especially challenging when it is a person we are close to or care deeply for, as we do not want to let those around us down. It is very common to have feelings of guilt after saying no, but you should be aware that you have not done anything wrong and therefore have nothing to feel guilty for. We all have boundaries and limits, and there are simply some things that we cannot do. If someone asks you to do something and you are unable to (for any reason), you should not feel bad saying no. It is important to take care of yourself, and self-care is not selfish. By saying no you are protecting yourself and your energy, and saving it for later tasks. It is very easy to feel guilty when saying no because we feel like we are letting down or hurting the other person. It is important to keep in mind that by saying no, you are not causing any harm to the other person. Although they may have wanted you to do something, at the end of the day you are still your own person who possesses the right to say no. Reduce Your Guilt When Saying No There are ways to reduce your guilt when saying no. First, try to tap into your emotions and figure out the source of your guilt. Are you feeling like you let them down? Like you owe them something? Once you are able to identify the source of the guilt, you can address it to prevent it from occurring again (Kaveh, 2021). Second, it is important to remember the upsides of saying no. By saying no to someone else, you are allowing yourself more room for the tasks and things that are important to you. This is important for your well-being and self-care, so try not to feel bad for prioritizing yourself. Finally, you should do your best to say no without apologizing. Although you may feel bad, you can offer an explanation without apologizing. Try not to say sorry because you do not have anything to be sorry for, and if you continue to apologize when you say no you are reinforcing the idea that you “should” feel bad (Hendriksen, 2020). Overall, it is important to remember that saying no is a skill. Like any other skill, it will take time to develop. If you are kind and patient with yourself, remind yourself why you are saying no and why it is okay to, and do your best to not apologize for putting yourself first, you may find it easier to develop this skill with time (Kaveh, 2021). References Hendriksen, E. (2020, March 17). How to say no (without feeling guilty). Retrieved July 22, 2022, from https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/health-fitness/mental-health/how-to-say-no-without-feeling-guilty?page=1 Kaveh, D. L. (2021, December 4). A therapist shares 10 tips to stop feeling guilty about saying “no”. YourTango. Retrieved July 22, 2022, from https://www.yourtango.com/experts/washington-psychological-wellness/how-to-say-no-without-feeling-guilty
Boundaries and Self-Worth
Boundaries and Self-Worth Written By: Amy Tai, Community and Justice Services (diploma), Program Assistant Your level of self-worth is directly correlated to the boundaries you set for yourself. In fact, boundary setting is a powerful act of self-care. The more you realize your self-worth, the more able you are to create and stick to your boundaries. Merriam-Webster defines self-worth as “a feeling that you are a good person who deserves to be treated with respect”. In other words, having a good sense of self-worth means you believe that you deserve to be treated with respect. If you don’t believe you are worthy of respect, you won’t believe you are worthy of having your boundaries respected. This can translate to allowing a lot of toxic and disrespectful behaviours and patterns to continue because you are of the belief that you don’t deserve to be treated better. Creating a greater sense of self-worth can help you set boundaries that you believe you are worthy of. Here are a few ways to cultivate a greater sense of self-worth: Build self-understanding. Learn who you are, what you want, and what you need. Think about the things you like most about yourself, the things you like least, a time you were proud of yourself, a time others were proud of you. What brings you joy and fulfillment, and what leaves you feeling empty and drained? What do you struggle most with? What are you afraid of? Answering these questions will help you to better understand who you are. Build self- acceptance. While the first step involved a lot of positive thinking about yourself, it also tackled some areas in which you may feel you need to improve. The first step to self-acceptance is to forgive yourself for these struggles and fears that can hold you back. Think about all the things you listed while answering the above questions, and accept yourself for all that you are – fears and struggles included. Once you have accepted yourself for who you are, you can learn to love and care for yourself in the most intentional way. Recognize your self-worth. You have just tackled some big questions and truths and it is so important that you acknowledge and recognize the courage and work that it took to get here. Remember, you have the power within you to inspire change – you never have to settle for less than what you deserve. Your value comes from the inside, from all these little things that make you, you! And no one has the power to take that away from you. You get to decide for yourself what you do and don’t deserve. You have the power to set the tone for which others are to treat you. So, get to know yourself, know your worth, and create boundaries so that you never have to settle for less than what you deserve. As Brene Brown explained, “daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others. We can’t base our worthiness on others’ approval. Only when we believe, deep down, that we are enough can we say “Enough!” (Brown, 2013). References Brown, B. B. (2013, August 20). How to Set Boundaries – Brene Brown’s Advice. Oprah.Com. https://www.oprah.com/spirit/how-to-set-boundaries-brene-browns-advice
How to Recognize When A Boundary Has Been Broken
How to Recognize When A Boundary Has Been Broken By: Ikjot Sandhu, Practicum Student Over the developmental years of a child’s life, there are many aspects of socialization they will go through. One developmental skill that is vital for children to learn in these early years of life is boundary setting. Boundaries are limits and rules an individual set for themselves in different areas of their life to protect their own mental health. Some of these areas include personal, professional, physical, emotional, financial, and many others. A large part of what shapes a child’s perception of what they should accept is influenced by what they see and what they are taught (Registrations, 2013). In a child’s life, when basic needs are met, they are able to grow up feeling safe, therefore having a good understanding of healthy boundaries (Registrations, 2013). However, when children face trauma in their lives such as childhood sexual abuse (CSA), they do not learn how to set healthy boundaries later on in their lives. An example of this would be when a child who is being sexually abused is told: “not tell anyone” or to “keep it a secret”. This causes a child to develop a perception that if someone is causing them pain, to not reach out for help, but rather deal with it on their own. In contrast, a child who has developed healthy boundaries in childhood would learn to respect their wellbeing and communicate if someone or something is harming them. Boundary setting is a common issue among many survivors of CSA. These issues can stem from childhood socialization and trauma which can result in lasting impacts on an individual’s life. Identifying when boundaries have been broken is one aspect of boundary setting that can be difficult for survivors. Although it is easier to identify when physical boundaries have been crossed (ex. you vocalize that you do not like physical touch but someone keeps putting their hand on your shoulder), identifying when emotional, financial, personal, and professional boundaries are broken may be difficult (Tartakovsky, 2014). In this article, we will identify some ways in which you can recognize when your boundaries have been broken and how you can let others know they have broken your boundaries. Some indicators that identify that your boundaries have been broken can include: 1. When things go wrong in an event, relationship, or situation, you blame yourself. Although it is important to acknowledge your mistakes in a situation, this point refers to when someone mistreats you, and you take responsibility for it. An example of this is if someone calls you “lazy” when in reality you are dealing with mental health issues, and you think “maybe I am lazy and they wouldn’t say that if I wasn’t” (Tartakovsky, 2014). 2. You defend or justify someone’s negative behaviour. Although this is a subtle sign that your boundaries have been broken, it is a very important and common one. An example of this can be if your partner is being verbally abusive and you justify it by saying “it’s okay and I’m going to forgive them because I know they are stressed right now” (Tartakovsky, 2014). 3. You doubt your decisions after someone questions them. Oftentimes, we decide to share positive news and decisions we make with those closest to us. However, sometimes the reactions of those you choose to share your news with may come with questioning and doubt. Although you believe the decision you made is what is best for you, these doubts may result in you questioning yourself and changing your plans (Tartakovsky, 2014). Now that we have identified some ways to tell that your boundaries have been broken, it is also important to look at how you can communicate that to others. Using simple phrases is an effective and beneficial way to advocate for your boundaries (Tartakovsky, 2014). Some examples of communicative phrases to use are: “No” “I’m setting new boundaries and I need you to respect that” “What just happened was upsetting to me” “I’m uncomfortable with that” Although boundary formation issues often stem from childhood, being able to identify where and when your boundaries have been broken is a critical step in strengthening them. Despite this being a difficult process for many CSA survivors, it is still very much achievable to set and uphold healthy boundaries. Next time you find yourself defending negative behaviors, doubting your decisions due to opinions from others, or blaming yourself for another person’s actions, ask yourself: are my boundaries being broken? References Registrations. (2013, August 13). The effect of trauma on boundary development. Heal For Life. Retrieved October 29, 2021, from https://healforlife.com.au/the-effect-of-trauma-on-boundary-development/ Tartakovsky, M. (2014, January 4). 6 subtle signs your boundaries are being broken. Psych Central. Retrieved February 18, 2022, from https://psychcentral.com/blog/6-subtle-signs-your-boundaries-are-being-broken#5
Parenting During the Pandemic
Parenting during the Pandemic By: Maria Barcelos, MA, Executive Director, The Gatehouse & Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying) The pandemic has been emotionally and psychologically exhausting. I recently read an article through the New York Times and a statement in there resonated with me “parenting through grief.” This is how I felt, and I know many more felt this way too. If being a parent was not difficult enough already at times while trying to address childhood trauma myself, add a global pandemic into the mix and see what happens! Sometimes, kids will not be able to complete homework as they would do so while in-person learning, leaving parents feeling more stressed, frustrated, and even depressed! The strain can feel persistent. Other parents and caregivers reading this, does this sound familiar? Teachers? Social Workers? Survivors and partners alike? Over the past few weeks, I have been giving more thought to the experiences of parents and children during this time. With so much information being rapidly shared across multiple platforms, it can be overwhelming to even turn on the TV, listen to the radio or even read newspaper headlines. I was recently interviewed on this topic and shared that we must learn to be more flexible as parents. To accept that sometimes, the plan goes erratic. Many parents are feeling the increased pressure and strain from now having to add homeschooling yet again to their list of daily activities. Me too. I have watched my teenaged children’s frustrations with online learning and at times, I am left feeling helpless to be able to change the situation for them. I cannot. I can, however, choose to respond with empathy now, in the present moment. Many parents like myself, are working from home, already stressed with trying to manage boundaries with work and home spaces. I reached out on social media to ask other parents about their experiences about what it is like to be parenting during the pandemic…No names are included. Here is another mom’s experience: “A challenge. Things are up and down, and routines are disrupted. We always have to have more than one backup plan to juggle two working parents and homeschooling/ finding backup care when school’s out for three kids 13,12, and 7. I am tired. We all are. I keep telling my kids it will get better. I keep trying to find ways to make things fun or special when we are not able to see friends and family. I keep seeing them get hopeful about something, only to have it cancelled. I take solace in the fact that many who have come before me and many who live in different circumstances have made it through worse. Parenting is always hard, this is just one more obstacle. Keep our heads up and spirits high when possible, be sad and upset when needed, and above all drink coffee. So much more coffee.” – One very cool mom Helpful Tips As a parent, you might be feeling like you have so many different responsibilities and roles now that you cannot possibly do it all well. It may be helpful to remind yourself that this situation is something we have never personally experienced before, to be self-compassionate and not berate ourselves if all is not going according to plan. So how can we lessen the strain we feel? Let us start by looking at the different areas of our lives that have been impacted. Here are some tips that I have followed to support my family in this pandemic… Remote Learning Remote learning. Love it or hate it, it looks like it is here for a while longer. Is there an opportunity for you to reach out to other parents to start an emotional support group? I know you are probably tired of being online too. Me too. Children need routines. Children need consistency and it helps them feel safer knowing what is happening next. It does not have to be totally rigid in terms of timing, and it should be flexible to include some relaxing activities too. This applies to eating, tidying up or any other activities they do. Get creative with teaching ideas to your children. For example, using actual household items for counting. Or doing a homemade science experiment for them to actively participate in. Addressing Stress – For your child and for yourself Remember that children hear and learn from you. It is important to speak to them in a language they understand. And, if you have a younger child, you do not need to explain everything that is happening as this might cause more anxiety to surface. More virtual fun. Is there an opportunity to host virtual playdates? How about virtual socialization with friends for yourself as a parent. Or attending a peer support group for parents, if none exist, start one! Zoom offers free accounts, 40-minute meetings. Practice gratitude with your children. Reinforcing good behaviours is helpful for us and for them. Take a moment to practice yourself first thing in the morning. Go outside and get some fresh air. The outdoors is wonderful and remember to follow social distancing rules when doing so. Bedtime Routine. For children and adults alike, having a bedtime routine is important to developing and sustaining good sleep habits. Tips for those with Teenagers Being a teenager is a wonderful and different time in a child’s development. A couple of activities that I have found helpful to connect more with my teens include: Cooking and Eating Together. It is important to share meals, as it is another socialization and connection opportunity for families to spend time together. Teens are learning to be more independent. My kids love to cook and try new foods. One is a pickier eater than the other! Watching TV shows and Integrating Conversations. We have recently started watching anime shows that my teens are into to help generate more conversation about their likes too. Anime was something I watched as a teen myself, so it feels like