Childhood sexual abuse is a deeply traumatic experience that leaves life-long detrimental impacts on the lives of survivors. For LGBTQ+ individuals, this trauma can be compounded by societal stigma, identity struggles, and a lack of adequate support systems. This blog post aims to shed light on the unique challenges faced by LGBTQ+ survivors of childhood sexual abuse and provide guidance on the journey towards healing and empowerment. Understanding the Intersection of Identities and Trauma Sexual abuse in childhood is a harrowing experience, and for LGBTQ+ individuals, the trauma is often intertwined with their identity development. The confusion, shame, and fear stemming from abuse can severely impact one’s understanding and acceptance of their sexual orientation or gender identity. It is crucial to recognize and validate this intersection to foster healing. Common Challenges Faced by LGBTQ+ Survivors Many survivors, regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identity, struggle with feelings of shame and guilt. However, LGBTQ+ individuals might also internalize societal prejudices, believing their abuse is somehow connected to their identity, which can hinder self-acceptance and healing. Fear of being judged or misunderstood often leads LGBTQ+ survivors to isolate themselves. The lack of representation and understanding within both LGBTQ+ and survivor communities can exacerbate feelings of loneliness and alienation. Furthermore, many LGBTQ+ individuals face discrimination or lack of understanding from healthcare providers, therapists, and support groups. This mistrust can deter them from seeking help and support, prolonging their journey to recovery. Steps Towards Healing Acknowledge and Accept Your Identity: Recognize that your sexual orientation or gender identity is not a consequence of the abuse. Embrace your true self and understand that you are worthy of love and respect. Self-acceptance is a crucial step towards healing. Seek LGBTQ+-Friendly Therapy: Finding a therapist who is not only trained in trauma but also knowledgeable about LGBTQ+ issues can make a significant difference. Look for professionals who advertise themselves as LGBTQ+-affirmative or who come recommended by local LGBTQ+ organizations. Connect with Supportive Communities: Joining LGBTQ+ support groups, both online and offline, can provide a sense of belonging and understanding. These communities can offer empathy, shared experiences, and valuable resources for healing. Educate Yourself and Others: Knowledge is empowering. Educate yourself about the effects of childhood sexual abuse and the experiences of LGBTQ+ survivors. Sharing this knowledge with others can help break down stigma and create a more supportive environment for all survivors. Practice Self-Care and Self-Compassion: Healing from trauma is a long and non-linear process. Prioritize self-care activities that bring you peace and joy. Practice self-compassion and remind yourself that healing takes time and it’s okay to have setbacks. Advocate for Change: Use your voice to advocate for better support systems and resources for LGBTQ+ survivors of sexual abuse. Engage with local organizations, participate in awareness campaigns, or even share your story if you feel safe to do so. Overcoming childhood sexual abuse is an immense challenge, and being an LGBTQ+ individual adds layers of complexity to the healing process. However, it is possible to reclaim your life, embrace your identity, and build a future defined by resilience and empowerment. Remember, you are not alone. There is a vast community ready to support you, and your journey towards healing can inspire others to find their own path to recovery. Healing is a deeply personal journey, but together, by breaking the silence and fostering understanding, we can create a world where every survivor feels seen, heard, and supported. For more information about The Gatehouse Out of the Darkness: Into the Light program, visit https://thegatehouse.org/adult-support-program/
Empowering Survivors: Overcoming Shame and Guilt
Empowering Survivors into Overcoming Shame and Guilt Written by: Beatriz Cruz, Social Service Worker (Diploma), Previous Practicum Student Empowerment can be a useful tool in supporting survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse and in overcoming the shame and guilt associated with these experiences. In my experience as a placement student at The Gatehouse I have come across a few participants who mention having a lack of support from others and how this contributes to their internalization of shame and guilt and owning their abuse. Dorahy and Clearwater (2012), refer to shame as how people perceive themselves and how they believe they are perceived by others, and note that shame is associated with hostility and self-deprecating beliefs and reactions of the self. Furthermore, dissociation also plays a role in the regulation or elimination of feelings of shame (Dorahy and Clearwater, 2012). Guilt, on the other hand, is associated with self-evaluation and arises when an individual believes that they are breaking a social or moral code or violating their own beliefs (Dohary and Clearwater, 2012). Survivors of childhood sexual abuse often believe they are to blame for their experiences, which further allows for feelings of guilt and shame to persist. This is where empowerment comes in to work on those feelings of shame and form newer and more positive notions of the self. Moreover, empowerment in relation to survivors of childhood sexual abuse refers to the restoration of the individual’s self-control and well-being, and it can come from the individual and/or other supports (Itsaranuwat et al., 2021). Empowerment can come from the self via mindfulness meditation, in which one is able to cognitively reframe past and current experiences by becoming aware of negative and unhelpful thoughts associated with shame and guilt, and practice replacing them with more supportive and empathetic ones (Whitaker, 2017). In addition, part of self-empowerment may include recognizing a need for additional help with these thoughts and feelings and taking an additional step by reaching out to a professional or safe person to confide in. Empowering a survivor of childhood sexual abuse may look like this: Showing the survivor that you believe them and what they have experienced Actively listening to what the survivor has to say with no opinionated commentary Providing a safe space by acknowledging the survivor’s feelings Acknowledging their strength and courage in reaching out Thanking the survivor for confiding in you with their experience Encouraging decision-making regarding problems that allow survivors to regain their power/reclaim their voice, but ultimately leaving the power to decide and/or choose the course of action to the survivor (Itsaranuwat et al., 2021) Lastly, it is important to recognize survivors’ feelings regarding their sense of shame and guilt, however, it may be beneficial to remind them that what they experienced was not their fault. The last time I mentioned to a participant that they were not to blame for their abuse, this individual related back to me that they had not heard that sentence coming from someone else in a very long time and that they experienced a sense of relief upon hearing it. It may not sound like much, but it can mean a lot for survivors who experience self-blame along with shame and guilt. References Dorahy, M. J., & Clearwater, K. (2012). Shame and guilt in men exposed to childhood sexual abuse: A qualitative investigation. Journal of Child Sexual Abuse, 21(2), 155–175. https://doi.org/10.1080/10538712.2012.659803 Itsaranuwat, W., Pathumcharoenwattana, W., & Ua-amnoey, J. (2021). Empowerment to Sexual Assault Survivors: The Role of Family and Trustworthy Person. Psychology and Education Journal, 58(4), 2079–2084. Retrieved from http://psychologyandeducation.net/pae/index.php/pae/article/view/4977/4351. Whitaker, J. (2020, January 30). How to empower yourself to overcome shame. Mindful Ways to Wellness. Retrieved April 4, 2023, from https://www.mindfulwaystowellness.com/post/how-to-empower-yourself-to-overcome-shame
I Found My Happy Place at The Gatehouse
I Found My Happy Place at The Gatehouse Written by: Pamela, Practicum Student, The Gatehouse I came to the Gatehouse as a placement student to gain firsthand experience of working with people who have, in one way or another, suffered trauma. Little did I know I was going to find my own healing from a silent trauma killer. Migrating from Africa to the Western world opened my eyes to the struggles that people in Africa endure without receiving healing or having a voice to speak out. The after-effects of domestic violence, sexual abuse, verbal, and physical abuse all lead to trauma, leaving deep scars in the person. These scars include fear, lack of trust, not living to one’s fullest potential, and a theft of peace and happiness. Learning from the Gatehouse’s Director, Maria, and Stewart, as well as interacting with the staff, taught me that where there is life, there is hope, especially with the support the Gatehouse offers everyone. Embracing compassion, support, and empathy at the Gatehouse helped me heal from this silent trauma that was eroding my peace, joy, happiness, and freedom. I only realized this transformation when I noticed positive changes within myself a few weeks after working at the Gatehouse. Engaging in reading, following the learning goals, and sharing reflections on social media to help others with childhood sexual abuse also facilitated my own healing. In the past, I used to act irrationally, influenced by my childhood trauma. I was constantly afraid of the unknown. It was my little daughter who one day noticed the positive changes in me and pointed them out. It brought tears to my eyes because deep inside, I knew I had found inner peace, calmness, and happiness. I began to appreciate the things I once took for granted in my everyday life. To anyone out there facing trauma, I encourage you to search within yourself and embrace the possibility of healing. The Gatehouse became my happy place, where I discovered a second chance at healing from my trauma.
Nurturing Healthy Boundaries: Overcoming Childhood Trauma
Nurturing Healthy Boundaries: Overcoming Childhood Trauma for a Stronger Relationship Boundaries are largely formed in childhood, shaped by how children are treated and their early experiences. When children’s needs are met with care and security, they develop a healthy understanding of personal boundaries. Conversely, childhood abuse, especially childhood sexual abuse, can severely impact their sense of safety and self-identity. Abuse, whether physical, emotional, or sexual, violates boundaries, leaving victims feeling powerless and disconnected from their bodies and lives. Growing up in dysfunctional environments, where boundaries are unclear, leads to confusion and insecurity. Some children may not even recognize their right to individuality. Extreme cases of boundary issues can result in mental illnesses like Dissociative Identity Disorder, Schizophrenia, or personality disorders. Survivors of abuse may also experience less obvious but equally detrimental symptoms that impact their daily lives. Identifying collapsed boundaries is essential for personal growth and healing. Here are some examples of collapsed boundaries: Struggling to express wants and needs, and finding it hard to say ‘NO.’ Putting others’ needs before their own and suppressing their opinions. Feeling misunderstood and having others decide what’s best for them. Difficulty making decisions and understanding their emotions and thoughts. Overwhelming and uncontrollable emotions. One-sided relationships/lacking reciprocity. Feeling responsible for others’ moods and emotions. Intrusive thoughts and unexplained sensations. Difficulty focusing and being influenced by external factors. Repeating mistakes and lacking confidence in their experiences. Relying on others to define reality. Being taken advantage of without reciprocation (Heal for Life, n.d.) Recognizing and respecting individual limits and needs empowers couples to overcome the lasting effects of childhood trauma. Boundaries serve as a fundamental tool for maintaining a healthy relationship. Addressing any areas where boundaries may be lacking or broken leads to significant improvements in overall relationship health and strength. By working together to nurture healthy boundaries, couples can foster a deeper connection and create a secure foundation for their relationship. Healing from childhood trauma is vital for improved emotional well-being and a stronger foundation for intimate connections. Individuals can learn to establish healthy boundaries and build successful and fulfilling relationships by understanding and addressing the impact of childhood trauma. To learn more about nurturing healthy boundaries and overcoming the effects of childhood trauma on relationships, further exploration, and support are encouraged. In fostering a healthier romantic relationship, here are five types of boundaries that play a crucial role: Physical Boundaries: Respect for personal space, privacy, and comfort levels with public displays of affection is essential. Openly expressing preferences and expectations prevents discomfort and disrespect. Emotional Boundaries: Understanding one’s feelings and differentiating them from a partner’s emotions is vital for establishing healthy emotional limits. Sexual Boundaries: Open discussions and mutual agreement on expectations, considering any past traumas like childhood sexual abuse, are crucial for a fulfilling sex life. Intellectual Boundaries: Nurturing emotional intimacy involves respecting each other’s ideas and beliefs, and fostering open and honest communication. Financial Boundaries: Setting clear boundaries regarding joint accounts, savings, and discretionary spending prevents financial strain and conflicts in the relationship. Recognizing and respecting individual limits and needs empowers couples to overcome the lasting effects of childhood trauma. Boundaries serve as a fundamental tool for maintaining a healthy relationship. Addressing any areas where boundaries may be lacking or broken leads to significant improvements in overall relationship health and strength. By working together to nurture healthy boundaries, couples can foster a deeper connection and create a secure foundation for their relationship (Keir Brad Counseling Services, n.d.). Check out Jasmine and Stewart, The Gatehouse Staff talking about Boundaries by clicking the link below! References Heal for Life. (n.d.). The Effect of Trauma on Boundary Development. Retrieved from https://healforlife.com.au/the-effect-of-trauma-on-boundary-development/ Keir Brady Counseling Services. (n.d.). Relationship Boundaries. Retrieved from https://keirbradycounseling.com/relationship-boundaries/
How to use your creativity to help support you on your healing journey
How to use your creativity to help support you on your healing journey By: Selina Mattison, Placement Student at The Gatehouse, Social Service Worker Diploma Art is often used as an outlet for expressing difficult emotions. The arts are quite diverse, and have many different forms such as painting, architecture, sculpture, literature, music, performing and cinema. These outlets both help the artist and the viewer. However, you don’t have to be an artist to have creativity. There is an undeniable connection to trauma and creativity. Artists such as Vincent van Gogh, John Lennon and Maya Angelou (to name a few) were all similar in one way: they all had traumatic experiences. One of the reasons why trauma and creativity are connected are due to ‘shattered preconceptions’. ‘Shattered preconceptions’ refers to our imagination and the bounds it can reach. Our imagination requires the perception of possibility. When we are creative, it breaks through the limiting barriers of preconception we’re used to. The second reason is the isolation effect. Isolation, while not necessarily a positive thing, often is the birthplace of the most creative minds. When trauma makes you feel like isolating, often people look to creating to help spend their time. Whether it be painting or simply cooking. Thirdly, understanding and healing is a way of expressing more difficult emotions. There are some moments and experiences that words can’t describe, but rather, can only be expressed in color or in creativity. Researchers suggest that creatives use their negative experiences into creative ways as a mean to cope. Trauma induces creativity, and creativity induces post-traumatic growth. So where can we start? Not everyone is artistically inclined, but we can all be creatives. One way to be creative which anyone can do is collaging. Cut up some magazines, newspapers, etc. and glue them to a surface to create a piece of art. I personally find collaging to be very calming, and one of my favorite ways to create art, especially when I’m not in the mood to draw or paint. Also consuming art can be very soothing. Just listening to music or an audiobook can help inspire your creativity and support you on your healing journey. Finding a creative outlet, no matter what medium, is proven to be helpful and is worth trying out to see if it works for you. References https://amberlylago.com/the-link-between-creativity-trauma/#:~:text=Creativity%20helps%20the%20mind%20understand,creativity%20induces%20post%2Dtraumatic%20growth.
How to Recognize When A Boundary Has Been Broken
How to Recognize When A Boundary Has Been Broken By: Ikjot Sandhu, Practicum Student Over the developmental years of a child’s life, there are many aspects of socialization they will go through. One developmental skill that is vital for children to learn in these early years of life is boundary setting. Boundaries are limits and rules an individual set for themselves in different areas of their life to protect their own mental health. Some of these areas include personal, professional, physical, emotional, financial, and many others. A large part of what shapes a child’s perception of what they should accept is influenced by what they see and what they are taught (Registrations, 2013). In a child’s life, when basic needs are met, they are able to grow up feeling safe, therefore having a good understanding of healthy boundaries (Registrations, 2013). However, when children face trauma in their lives such as childhood sexual abuse (CSA), they do not learn how to set healthy boundaries later on in their lives. An example of this would be when a child who is being sexually abused is told: “not tell anyone” or to “keep it a secret”. This causes a child to develop a perception that if someone is causing them pain, to not reach out for help, but rather deal with it on their own. In contrast, a child who has developed healthy boundaries in childhood would learn to respect their wellbeing and communicate if someone or something is harming them. Boundary setting is a common issue among many survivors of CSA. These issues can stem from childhood socialization and trauma which can result in lasting impacts on an individual’s life. Identifying when boundaries have been broken is one aspect of boundary setting that can be difficult for survivors. Although it is easier to identify when physical boundaries have been crossed (ex. you vocalize that you do not like physical touch but someone keeps putting their hand on your shoulder), identifying when emotional, financial, personal, and professional boundaries are broken may be difficult (Tartakovsky, 2014). In this article, we will identify some ways in which you can recognize when your boundaries have been broken and how you can let others know they have broken your boundaries. Some indicators that identify that your boundaries have been broken can include: 1. When things go wrong in an event, relationship, or situation, you blame yourself. Although it is important to acknowledge your mistakes in a situation, this point refers to when someone mistreats you, and you take responsibility for it. An example of this is if someone calls you “lazy” when in reality you are dealing with mental health issues, and you think “maybe I am lazy and they wouldn’t say that if I wasn’t” (Tartakovsky, 2014). 2. You defend or justify someone’s negative behaviour. Although this is a subtle sign that your boundaries have been broken, it is a very important and common one. An example of this can be if your partner is being verbally abusive and you justify it by saying “it’s okay and I’m going to forgive them because I know they are stressed right now” (Tartakovsky, 2014). 3. You doubt your decisions after someone questions them. Oftentimes, we decide to share positive news and decisions we make with those closest to us. However, sometimes the reactions of those you choose to share your news with may come with questioning and doubt. Although you believe the decision you made is what is best for you, these doubts may result in you questioning yourself and changing your plans (Tartakovsky, 2014). Now that we have identified some ways to tell that your boundaries have been broken, it is also important to look at how you can communicate that to others. Using simple phrases is an effective and beneficial way to advocate for your boundaries (Tartakovsky, 2014). Some examples of communicative phrases to use are: “No” “I’m setting new boundaries and I need you to respect that” “What just happened was upsetting to me” “I’m uncomfortable with that” Although boundary formation issues often stem from childhood, being able to identify where and when your boundaries have been broken is a critical step in strengthening them. Despite this being a difficult process for many CSA survivors, it is still very much achievable to set and uphold healthy boundaries. Next time you find yourself defending negative behaviors, doubting your decisions due to opinions from others, or blaming yourself for another person’s actions, ask yourself: are my boundaries being broken? References Registrations. (2013, August 13). The effect of trauma on boundary development. Heal For Life. Retrieved October 29, 2021, from https://healforlife.com.au/the-effect-of-trauma-on-boundary-development/ Tartakovsky, M. (2014, January 4). 6 subtle signs your boundaries are being broken. Psych Central. Retrieved February 18, 2022, from https://psychcentral.com/blog/6-subtle-signs-your-boundaries-are-being-broken#5
Parenting During the Pandemic
Parenting during the Pandemic By: Maria Barcelos, MA, Executive Director, The Gatehouse & Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying) The pandemic has been emotionally and psychologically exhausting. I recently read an article through the New York Times and a statement in there resonated with me “parenting through grief.” This is how I felt, and I know many more felt this way too. If being a parent was not difficult enough already at times while trying to address childhood trauma myself, add a global pandemic into the mix and see what happens! Sometimes, kids will not be able to complete homework as they would do so while in-person learning, leaving parents feeling more stressed, frustrated, and even depressed! The strain can feel persistent. Other parents and caregivers reading this, does this sound familiar? Teachers? Social Workers? Survivors and partners alike? Over the past few weeks, I have been giving more thought to the experiences of parents and children during this time. With so much information being rapidly shared across multiple platforms, it can be overwhelming to even turn on the TV, listen to the radio or even read newspaper headlines. I was recently interviewed on this topic and shared that we must learn to be more flexible as parents. To accept that sometimes, the plan goes erratic. Many parents are feeling the increased pressure and strain from now having to add homeschooling yet again to their list of daily activities. Me too. I have watched my teenaged children’s frustrations with online learning and at times, I am left feeling helpless to be able to change the situation for them. I cannot. I can, however, choose to respond with empathy now, in the present moment. Many parents like myself, are working from home, already stressed with trying to manage boundaries with work and home spaces. I reached out on social media to ask other parents about their experiences about what it is like to be parenting during the pandemic…No names are included. Here is another mom’s experience: “A challenge. Things are up and down, and routines are disrupted. We always have to have more than one backup plan to juggle two working parents and homeschooling/ finding backup care when school’s out for three kids 13,12, and 7. I am tired. We all are. I keep telling my kids it will get better. I keep trying to find ways to make things fun or special when we are not able to see friends and family. I keep seeing them get hopeful about something, only to have it cancelled. I take solace in the fact that many who have come before me and many who live in different circumstances have made it through worse. Parenting is always hard, this is just one more obstacle. Keep our heads up and spirits high when possible, be sad and upset when needed, and above all drink coffee. So much more coffee.” – One very cool mom Helpful Tips As a parent, you might be feeling like you have so many different responsibilities and roles now that you cannot possibly do it all well. It may be helpful to remind yourself that this situation is something we have never personally experienced before, to be self-compassionate and not berate ourselves if all is not going according to plan. So how can we lessen the strain we feel? Let us start by looking at the different areas of our lives that have been impacted. Here are some tips that I have followed to support my family in this pandemic… Remote Learning Remote learning. Love it or hate it, it looks like it is here for a while longer. Is there an opportunity for you to reach out to other parents to start an emotional support group? I know you are probably tired of being online too. Me too. Children need routines. Children need consistency and it helps them feel safer knowing what is happening next. It does not have to be totally rigid in terms of timing, and it should be flexible to include some relaxing activities too. This applies to eating, tidying up or any other activities they do. Get creative with teaching ideas to your children. For example, using actual household items for counting. Or doing a homemade science experiment for them to actively participate in. Addressing Stress – For your child and for yourself Remember that children hear and learn from you. It is important to speak to them in a language they understand. And, if you have a younger child, you do not need to explain everything that is happening as this might cause more anxiety to surface. More virtual fun. Is there an opportunity to host virtual playdates? How about virtual socialization with friends for yourself as a parent. Or attending a peer support group for parents, if none exist, start one! Zoom offers free accounts, 40-minute meetings. Practice gratitude with your children. Reinforcing good behaviours is helpful for us and for them. Take a moment to practice yourself first thing in the morning. Go outside and get some fresh air. The outdoors is wonderful and remember to follow social distancing rules when doing so. Bedtime Routine. For children and adults alike, having a bedtime routine is important to developing and sustaining good sleep habits. Tips for those with Teenagers Being a teenager is a wonderful and different time in a child’s development. A couple of activities that I have found helpful to connect more with my teens include: Cooking and Eating Together. It is important to share meals, as it is another socialization and connection opportunity for families to spend time together. Teens are learning to be more independent. My kids love to cook and try new foods. One is a pickier eater than the other! Watching TV shows and Integrating Conversations. We have recently started watching anime shows that my teens are into to help generate more conversation about their likes too. Anime was something I watched as a teen myself, so it feels like
What is Oppositional Defiant Disorder and How Can I Help my Child with ODD?
What is Oppositional Defiant Disorder and How Can I Help my Child with ODD? A Review of Dr. Gina Antencio-McLean, PsyD Book “Overcoming Oppositional Defiant Disorder: A Two-Part Treatment Plan to Help Parents and Kids Work Together” By: Maria Barcelos, MA, Executive Director The Gatehouse How Can I help My Child when they are diagnosed with Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD)? As a parent, being able to help my children feel safe, manage difficult emotions, adapt to life transitions and build self-confidence, and resilience is of utmost importance to me. Many parents struggle with shame-based thinking of not being good enough in general, and intensified shame at not being a good enough parent. These thoughts are further exacerbated when your child presents with additional needs, such as ODD. Having a child with different needs requires us to do some unlearning of unhelpful behaviours and learning of healthier ways to respond to be better able to support our children. This article is a brief review of Dr. Gina Antencio-McLean’s book “Overcoming Oppositional Defiant Disorder: A Two-Part Treatment Plan to Help Parents and Kids Work Together.” As a parent, I highly recommend this resource for any caregiver who is struggling to find other ways to respond and support their child. Ramke (n.d.) noted that all children can be oppositional or defiant at times. However, what distinguishes ODD from normal oppositional behavior is how severe it is, and how long it has been going on for. A child with ODD will have had extreme behavior issues for at least six months. ODD is usually diagnosed around early elementary school ages. Children with ODD have a well-established pattern of behavioural responses, which can include: Being unusually angry and irritable Frequently losing their temper Being easily annoyed Arguing with authority figures Refusing to follow rules Deliberately annoying people Blaming others for mistakes Being vindictive Dr. Antencio-McLean reminds every parent that children with ODD are not bad kids. They are doing the best they can. Children with ODD may have increased challenges being flexible and adaptable to changes in their environment. This is why you might notice that your ODD child behaves differently at school then they do at home. As a parent, educating yourself on what inspires your child is a critical step in learning valuable life skills. It is important to emulate positive reinforcement for whatever behaviour you are trying to encourage them to change. For example, loading the dishwasher may start with the child taking their plate and placing it on the kitchen counter. Acknowledging them for their help with the dishes is a good start. Many behaviours may be difficult for your child. However, it is important to reinforce for yourself as a parent, that your child is a good kid and has the capacity to learn. They may need more time, positive reinforcement and patience to do so. Opportunities for positively reinforcing favourable behaviours involve recognizing them when they are making small changes. Small changes lead to bigger changes over time. Furthermore, identifying which skills your child needs to help them meet their goals is critical for your child to feel supported, heard and validated. Dr. Antencio-McLean reinforces that children need to learn how to regulate their emotions and how to self-soothe. This is a foundational goal in helping children with ODD to regulate emotional states. Identifying feelings is the first step in the emotional regulation process. We learn to self-soothe from our own parents or other caregivers as children. As survivors of childhood sexual abuse, we may have been further presented with unhelpful modelling behaviours by our parents. For example, not being able to talk about our feelings, being judged or criticized. It is important that we also continue to work on our own responses to trauma to further be able to model healthier responses for our children. Dr. Antencio-McLean reminds us that some children need further help to calm themselves. Children with ODD may be more sensitive and need further support to self-regulate and soothe unhelpful sensations they are experiencing. She highlights behaviour change takes time and practice and that practicing in those times of calm will be most beneficial to helping our children learn to regulate emotions as our brains learn best when we are calm. For example, identifying a feeling and rating its intensity can be quite helpful for you and your child to identify what is happening for them in the moment. Using deep breathing or identifying some items in the home or school environment to help distract them to these items that are safe may help. E.g., How are you feeling? What level of intensity 1 low to 10 high? Let’s shift our focus to something colourful in our home that we like. How many blue things do you notice in the living room? Name one green item that you can see. Another helpful strategy can be to pass an ice cube from hand to hand to refocus on the cold sensation and minimize the emotional intensity. Regular exercise and socialization with friends help them stay present in the moment, which can be helpful for self-regulation. This is not an exhaustive list. Dr. Antencio-McLean noted that not every tool will be applicable to every person. As survivors of childhood sexual abuse, we can be hard on ourselves and further reinforce the “I am not good enough belief” in times of stress. This is an opportune time for us to redirect our attention to the fact that we are trying to help our child (and sometimes at the same time, our own inner child who is struggling with the very difficult emotions of confusion, grief or sadness that our children struggle with). Be kind to yourself and your child. Changing behaviour is not something that happens overnight. It takes time, patience and repetition. As parents, we have firsthand experience and awareness as to what problematic behaviour our child is displaying. Awareness is key to identifying what behaviours are needing change. Take some time to reflect on
Trust
Trust by: Amy Tai We flex our trust muscles every day, whether we realize it or not. We trust our alarms to wake us up on time, our cars to get us to work, the pilot to land the plane, our hearts to keep beating. Without even thinking twice about it, we trust so many people and things. But at what point do we realize that trust is something that has to be earned? Trust is about so much more than just believing that someone will do what they say they will do. It is about allowing yourself to be emotionally exposed and vulnerable in front of someone. Inviting someone into the deepest, darkest parts of your life, not knowing how they will respond but trusting they will be supportive. Learning to trust, be vulnerable and share with others is courage in action. This is what happens at The Gatehouse. Survivors of childhood sexual abuse, are sometimes for the first time ever, trusting others with their story. Dr. Brené Brown explains trust with the acronym “B.R.A.V.I.N.G”, Brené explains that; Boundaries, Reliability, Accountability, Vault, Integrity, Non-Judgment, and Generosity are critical components of trust. As she continues to explain each word it becomes clear that trust is a two-way street. To trust others, you first have to believe that you are worthy of receiving whatever it is you are trusting the other person to give you; whether it be support, encouragement, or love. In the same way, when we are determining if a person is trustworthy or not, we also need to examine ourselves and ask if we are trustworthy as well. Since trust is earned, it can also be lost. Once our trust is lost or broken, it is hard to learn to trust again. We can easily build up walls, shutting everyone out, and genuinely believe (or trust) that we are protecting ourselves. Dr. Jennice Vilhauer explains that “when our trust is broken it is not just with the other person, but often with ourselves. We not only question what the other person did but how we let the betrayal happen (2016).” When we forgive and try to move forward in building back that broken trust, it is not just something we do for the sake of the other person, but something that is crucial for our own inner peace and wellbeing. Trust is the foundation upon which our relationships are built. When someone betrays your trust, it does not just affect that relationship, but all our relationships. When we try to repair the broken trust, it is important that we give ourselves compassion and forgiveness. While it is easy to feel you are the one to blame for trusting in the first place, what someone chooses to do to you is not a reflection of you, but of them. For this reason, it is important that before anything, you restore trust with yourself before you rebuild trust with someone else. Learning to trust someone for the first time is hard enough, and so, learning to trust someone who has betrayed us before may not even make sense or be safe. By exploring trust and how it has hurt you but also being open to healthy trust in the future can give you the freedom to regain control of other relationships. It takes so much courage, to trust someone, and let ourselves be vulnerable once we have lived through great betrayal. But it opens the doors to so much possibility, potential, and healing. We have to trust in the possibilities of our lives before we can trust someone else to provide us with those opportunities. We have to trust that we have potential before we can trust someone else to help us unlock that potential. We have to trust our own strength before we can trust someone else to show us how strong we are. In every circumstance, whether it be your relationship, your alarm, or the pilot of the plane you are on, trust begins with yourself. You have the choice; you hold the power. Do you trust yourself and embrace your vulnerability – flaws and all? Or do you continue to shelter behind the walls you have built? As Johann Wolfgang von Goethe once said, “As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.” References Vilhauer, J. (2016, September 4). How to rebuild trust with someone who hurt you. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/living-forward/201609/how-rebuild-trust-someone-who-hurt-you
Anxiety and Managing Anxiety
Anxiety and Managing Anxiety by: Jasmine Lem, BSc, Practicum Student Anxiety is a feeling we are all familiar with. Life can be busy and complicated, filled with work, school, family, and so forth, and it can sometimes be overwhelming. Anxiety exists on a continuum of mild to severe and can be experienced through our emotions (i.e. worry or fear), thoughts (i.e. “I’m going to fail this”), and physical symptoms (i.e. racing heart). It is our body’s natural way of responding to stress. It can be felt before writing an exam, during a job interview, and in front of a large crowd. These are all perfectly standard stressful situations to feel anxious in, however, it is important to note that there is a very important distinction between feelings of anxiousness and anxiety disorders. Normal feelings of anxiousness are usually short-lived, happens on occasion, and typically do not result in any meaningful consequences. In fact, normal anxiety can be a good thing, because it is your body’s fight or flight response to a potentially threatening and stressful situation. Anxiety disorders, however, are anxiety symptoms that become uncomfortable to the point where it interferes with your job, with school, with your personal life, and in general, daily life functioning. Anxiety symptoms can arise for no apparent reason, are chronic, and/or occur as intense episodes (Center for Addiction and Mental Health, n.d.). Anxiety disorders can be broken down into categories such as Panic Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, and Social Anxiety Disorder. The different types of anxiety disorders although may be experienced differently, can all be characterized by irrational and excessive fear, apprehensive and tense feelings, and difficulty managing daily tasks (CAMH, n.d). Signs and symptoms include anxious thoughts (i.e. I feel like I am going crazy), predictions (i.e. I will blank out during my presentation), beliefs (i.e. I am weak because I am anxious), avoidance behaviours, and excessive physical reactions (i.e. racing heart, sweating, shortness of breath). Causes and risks factors for anxiety disorders include traumatic events, childhood development issues, and family history for anxiety. In Canada, anxiety disorders affect approximately 5% of household populations, causing mild to severe impairments (Canadian Mental Health, 2019). Nonetheless, whether you experience fleeting symptoms of anxiety or are diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, there are many ways you can manage anxiety to encourage positive wellbeing. This is of course, aside from professional treatments and interventions for diagnosed anxiety disorders. There are many techniques and skills that you can employ in your everyday routine or when your anxiety flares up that can help you manage and cope with anxious feelings. However, firstly, awareness is key. It is important to self-reflect and understands what your triggers are, why they are, and how anxiety presents itself for you as thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. Further, to be aware of and learn different coping strategies that work for you based on your needs. This allows you to proactively anticipate feelings of anxiety and engage your toolbox of skills and techniques to better help you manage them. As mentioned, there are many techniques and coping skills you can use to manage anxiety. They include grounding techniques, and cognitive and mindfulness activities. Below are some techniques you can use. It is also important to note that not every technique or skill works for everyone and for all the time. You may need to engage in a lot of self-reflection and trial and error to see what works best for you. We are also constantly changing, and what works for us one day may not work the next. Before starting and while executing any of these activities, focus on your breathing and take a couple of deep breaths. This allows your body to relax and encourages your mind to focus on the present moment. Grounding Techniques and Mindfulness Activities: The act of grounding is to bring yourself to the present and focus on your physical body or surroundings, instead of the thoughts that are causing you to feel overwhelmed and anxious. One grounding exercise is the 54321 activity. This activity encourages you to engage your senses by acknowledging 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. Another activity is holding and focusing on an object and making as many observations as you can of it. Other activities include planting both feet on the ground and focusing on how it feels, and savoring a favourite scent, whether through a candle or perfume bottle. You can also engage in mindfulness activities by doing yoga, meditation, and deep breathing exercises. There are plenty of resources available to you for free, if you have access to the internet, that you can use to follow guided meditation pieces, yoga videos, and deep breathing exercises. There are also wellbeing apps you can use that provide different kinds of mindfulness activities on the go. Journaling: Journaling helps you to label and put into words your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. You can start a gratitude journal by writing about 3 things you are grateful for every night. You can also journal affirmations you can say to yourself during the day, such as “I am enough” or “I am safe, and I am loved”. Additionally, you can start a thought journal, tracking negative and positive thoughts you experienced through the day, identifying what happened and why you think you felt that way, and reframing any negative self-thoughts to positive ones. Physical Activity: Physical activity can help ease anxiety because it releases feel-good endorphins. It also comes with many psychological benefits, such as increasing confidence. Consider adding a daily exercise routine to your schedule or go for daily walks. Self-Care: It is important to engage in self-care as often as you can. Life can get overwhelming with all the responsibilities you have, and it can be very easy to forget to take care of yourself. Try to carve some time out for yourself by