Most of us don’t grow up learning healthy sexual communication skills, and those skills are rooted in basic communication and boundary-setting. For many people, especially survivors of childhood sexual abuse, these can be incredibly difficult to develop. When someone has learned that their bodily autonomy can be violated by adults or people in power, setting boundaries may feel unsafe, scary, or even selfish. But being able to voice our needs, and to speak up when something no longer feels right, is essential for engaging in pleasurable, consensual intimacy. Trust is the foundation of safety, pleasure, and connection. Being able to voice your needs, or say when something no longer feels comfortable, is important for survivors to participate in pleasurable, intimate acts with whomever they choose. Trust is integral to sex, pleasure, and safety. There is Never a Wrong Time to Say No Many people think they need a valid reason to say no—especially if something felt okay last time. But that’s false. You don’t need to justify your limits. If you don’t want something, or don’t want something done to you, that’s reason enough. You might also fall into gaslighting thought patterns, worrying that saying “no” or changing your mind is misleading or hurtful to your partner. But healthy sexual connection is not based on assumptions, pressure, or force. It’s built on mutual care and active communication. If someone responds by calling you selfish, accusing you of leading them on, or coercing you to continue—these are not acceptable responses. These are red flags. The only appropriate response from whomever you are with is to acknowledge and listen to your boundary and your needs. Checking-In Increases Intimacy If you’re not used to being asked how you’re feeling during intimacy, it might feel awkward, uncomfortable, or even confusing at first. You might freeze, not know how to respond, or worry about saying the “wrong” thing. That’s okay. Being asked questions like: can feel unfamiliar, but they’re signs of care, respect, and consent. You are allowed to respond however feels most comfortable—whether that’s physical or verbal confirmation. You’re also allowed to change your mind. You can say: I don’t know, can we pause? or, I need a break. If that feels hard, you can even agree ahead of time on a gesture, word, or signal that means “stop” or “I need a moment.” After-Care Check-Ins Questions that might be posed to you post intimacy might sound like: How was that for you? Is there anything you would want to do differently next time? What did you enjoy most? These kinds of questions can be a playful and affirming way to reflect on your experience. They create space to share what you liked, what didn’t feel right, and what you might want more of. Intimacy doesn’t always have to be serious—it can also be fun, light, and full of curiosity. Aftercare conversations like these can strengthen connection, set the stage for deeper trust, and even create anticipation for next time. Many survivors have had their voices dismissed or taken away, often leading to the internalized belief that their voice doesn’t matter. This can make setting boundaries feel unnatural at first. With practice, though, speaking up and expressing how you feel becomes easier. Start small. Practice Boundaries With Low-Stakes Situation If you aren’t quite ready for intimacy, but you want to practice paying attention to your feelings and your needs, below are a few ways to ease yourself into this healthy habit. Name your feelingStart by simply noticing and naming your feelings (e.g., “I feel uncomfortable,” “I feel curious,” “I feel nervous”). This helps connect your internal experience to your right to respond or set limits.Small step: Journal or say aloud one feeling a day related to connection or disconnection. Use “No” in Low-Stakes SituationsPractise saying “no” or “not right now” with friends, family, or in everyday scenarios. Rebuild trust in your voice and teach your nervous system it’s safe to speak up.Small step: Turn down a social invitation or request, and notice how it feels. Share a PreferencePractise openness by sharing something you do like, want, or enjoy—whether food, music, or a type of touch.Small step: Say “I really liked when you…” or “It feels good when…” Set One Micro-Boundary Per WeekChoose a very small action that reinforces your autonomy, such as ending a call when you’re tired, or asking someone to knock before entering your room. Small step: Celebrate each boundary set—no matter how small—with affirming self-talk or journaling. No is a complete sentence. Explanations are not required. We might feel anxious about how people are going to respond to our no’s, but their responses are about them, not you. Hold your boundary. You are worth it.
How to Embrace Your Own Pleasure (That You Deserve!)
For survivors of childhood sexual abuse (CSA), the relationship between self-love and sexuality can be especially complex. The trauma experienced in childhood often distorts our earliest understandings of love, safety, consent, and the body. Rebuilding that relationship later in life is not linear, but it is an immeasurable act of self-love. When Trauma Shapes Sexuality Childhood sexual abuse introduces sexuality not as a site of joy or curiosity, but as one of confusion, fear, coercion, or silence. This can sever the connection between body, identity, and desire. Survivors may struggle with dissociation, body image, uncertainty of how to relate to intimacy, and confusion around what safe, healthy sexuality and pleasure looks like. Furthermore, CSA does not only disrupt sexual development, it impacts how people relate to their own bodies, needs, and sense of worth. Many survivors describe feeling as though their sexuality was “stolen” from them or “made” them a certain way. Some respond by avoiding sex or intimacy entirely, while others may engage in unsafe sexual behaviours, or sexual behaviors that feel detached. Other forms of navigating sex and sexuality after trauma might include: Reconnecting with pleasure consciously creates space for a sexuality that belongs to you, not shaped by abuse, shame, or obligation; A sexuality rooted in agency, self-awareness, and choice. It might take time, and that’s okay. Boundaries, Safety, and Trust Many CSA survivors were never taught what healthy boundaries look like. In fact, abuse often blurs or outright destroys the concept of bodily autonomy. As adults, this can make it difficult to know where you end and someone else begins. You may second-guess your “no,” override your instincts, or struggle to feel safe even in consensual relationships. Boundaries are not selfish—they’re sacred. They say: This is what I need to feel safe. This is what I cannot allow. Boundaries are one way to show love both for yourself, and those you care about. Rebuilding trust, especially in romantic or sexual relationships, takes time. Start with yourself: From this place of internal safety, connection with others can emerge, not from fear or people-pleasing, but from authenticity. Healing often involves unlearning harmful messages and relearning what boundaries feel like: No one can touch you without your permission. You can change your mind. Boundaries, like lines in the sand, can be removed, added, or moved. Trust, especially in intimate relationships, can take time. And that’s okay. Everyone deserves love that is mutual, respectful, and rooted in care, not power, fear, or obligation. Sexual Self-Love Is More Than Sex Abuse often forces survivors to disconnect from their bodies as a means of survival. Being at home in your body again is one of the most radical acts a CSA survivor can make. It’s also one of the hardest. But it’s not impossible. Pleasure can be sexual, but it doesn’t have to be. Furthermore sexual self-love and sexual safety doesn’t require a partner. Pleasure begins with permission to exist, to feel, to take up space in your own life. Pleasure might look like: Self-love is not about being “healed” or reaching some ideal version of yourself. It’s about recognizing your body as yours, your desire is valid, and your boundaries are non-negotiable. That’s what sexual self-love looks like in practice—it honours your past, without letting it define your future. Compulsory Norms vs. Authentic Sexuality Many survivors, particularly those who are queer, trans, or nonbinary, have also wrestled with compulsory heterosexuality or gender norms that add another layer of confusion. You may have asked yourself: These brave questions are not problems to fix, but paths to explore. This journey towards re-discovery of pleasure also means honoring the space to not know, to discover your truth slowly, with tenderness. You don’t need to justify who you are. You only need to feel at home in it. Practices for Survivors Exploring Sexual Self-Love Everyone’s healing is unique. Below are some possible ways to begin, or enhance your self-love journey towards pleasure tailored for you, by you. Self-love, and discovering the kind of pleasure that feels right for you, free from shame or judgment isn’t always easy. But it’s a powerful step toward healing and freedom.
CSA Disclosure: What Comes Next?
When the person who harmed you is someone you love and trust, the idea of disclosure can feel like standing at the edge of a chasm—impossible to cross. What will happen if I don’t let my voice be heard? And what will happen when I do? Sometimes, nothing happens. And that silence says everything about our culture. Other times, disclosure is like an earthquake. It shatters the foundation of your life. Relationships break apart under the weight of disbelief, mistrust, confusion, anger, and grief. And at the heart of it all is the survivor, trying to make sense of everything. Aftershocks and Blame Survivors often feel like they’re the cause of the fallout—as if they’ve ruined something by speaking up. They haven’t. They’re not the cause. They are survivors, managing the aftershock of something that was never their fault. When people respond to disclosure in ways that are re-traumatizing, it can be tempting to silence ourselves again, or feel regretful for speaking up. They begin to wonder if it was worth it. Other responses can be mixed messaging by the receiver: they can say they believe you, but act like they don’t. Or, they believe you but expect you to move on quickly; or they believe you and then never talk about it again. Leaving the individual suspended in tentative safety. And Tentative safety is NOT safety. The Reality of Disclosure When survivors stay silent, the pain often doesn’t disappear, but burrows deeper into the body. Telling your story can be liberating. For some, it’s the first concrete step toward healing. However disclosure doesn’t always bring instant relief. Sometimes the expectation is that speaking up will make everything feel better. In truth, it can feel more like looking at a wound: You assess, then take the steps you need to heal it. But it still hurts, it’s still unpleasant to examine, and it needs time. Making Sense of Loss Like resetting a broken bone—an intentional kind of hurt, scary, unavoidable, and necessary—so too is the healing journey after disclosure. Some relationships, especially those that have become emotionally necrotic, may need to be realigned or, in some cases, removed altogether. This might mean letting go of long-time friends or even family members. Even harmful connections were still connections. And loss—even when it keeps us safe—still hurts. Recovery from that kind of loss is like emotional physical therapy: uncomfortable, frustrating, and slow. But without it, we don’t regain our strength. The Crash After Speaking There can be an immense emotional crash after disclosure.Exhaustion sets in, not just from telling the story, but from everything it disrupts. Disclosure can force people to confront things they’d rather keep buried: their own complicity, their own guilt, their own understanding of who they are in relation to you. And in that space, the survivor can feel more alone than ever—vulnerable, changed, and aching for support in a world laid on shifting sands. There is likely uncertainty around what comes next. A question of how to continue the healing journey. New feelings may emerge: relief, grief, anger, and what-ifs. Another aftershock. Whether You’ve Disclosed…Or Not. No matter what your circumstance regarding disclosure, please remember: You are not responsible for other people’s inability to face the truth.You are not too much.You are not alone.You spoke because you were brave.And that bravery deserves care—not punishment.
Finding Your People: How to Build a Support System That Truly Cares
Written by: Erin Alexandra When we experience childhood sexual abuse (CSA) trauma, shame and guilt can take hold, influencing our actions and shaping how we see ourselves. These emotions often lead CSA survivors to withdraw, making their worlds feel smaller while the voice of shame grows louder and more dominant. Connection, however, fosters healing: Community acts as the earth, air, sunshine, and rain—nourishing us so that, like plants, we can grow and thrive. In safe, supportive spaces, we see our best qualities reflected in us. Through connection, we find validation and affirmation, and over time, our choices become guided by joy and fulfillment rather than fear and self-doubt. How then, do we move from isolation to connection when shame and guilt foster distrust? How do we build a support system? What we focus on expands—so rather than scanning for red flags to avoid, let’s intentionally seek out green flags, the qualities in people and relationships that foster trust, and safety. Signs of Trustworthy Behaviour Trusting after trauma can be challenging, and it can take time. Sometimes, we need to re-learn to trust our instincts. These are a few green flags to look for in people to help you remember that you deserve to be treated with love and respect. Respect for Boundaries A trustworthy person understands and respects your boundaries without pushing, questioning, or making you feel guilty. They listen when you express your needs and never pressure you to go beyond your comfort level. Likewise, when someone sets boundaries with you, it’s not a rejection—it’s an effort to maintain a healthy and respectful relationship. (Acceptance of your boundary, they don’t punish you for the boundary, adhere to the boundary, and clarify any confusion around the boundary) Actions Align with Their Words The saying ‘actions speak louder than words’ is a cliché for a reason. It’s easy to say the right thing, but true integrity is shown through follow-through. When someone’s actions align with their words, it reflects not just honesty, but also respect—for themselves, for you, and for what they say. This consistency builds a foundation where trust can grow naturally Reliability For CSA survivors, reliability is more than just keeping promises—it’s about creating a sense of safety and stability in relationships. When someone repeatedly lets us down, it can reinforce the fear that trusting others will only lead to disappointment. A reliable person, however, demonstrates through their actions that they are consistent, trustworthy, and safe. For CSA survivors, a reliable person provides reassurance that not all relationships are unpredictable or unsafe. Over time, their consistency can help rebuild trust, making it easier to form connections without fear of abandonment or betrayal. This looks like: Respecting commitments, emotional consistency, taking responsibility, and respecting your space. Empathy For CSA survivors, empathy is more than just kindness—it’s a crucial sign of emotional safety. A person who exhibits empathy listens without judgment, acknowledges your feelings, and respects your experiences without trying to fix, question, or minimize them. They understand that healing is not a linear process, and that trust is built over time, not demanded. For CSA survivors, genuine empathy fosters a sense of safety and trust, making it easier to engage in relationships without fear of being judged or misunderstood. It reassures you that your feelings and experiences matter, allowing space for healing at your own pace. This looks like: Active Listening; emotional validation; support without pressure/understanding that you know what’s best for you Good Communication For CSA survivors, clear and honest communication is essential in building safe and trusting relationships. Not everyone finds communication easy, but a trustworthy person tries to express their thoughts and feelings in a way that is honest, respectful, and considerate of your experiences. Even if they struggle, they are willing to learn, listen, and improve, ensuring that misunderstandings don’t become barriers to connection. For CSA survivors, honest and compassionate communication fosters emotional safety, making it easier to trust that your voice matters and will be met with respect. This looks like: Speaking with honesty, not harm; listening to understand, not just respond; clarity and consistency; and willingness to grow. Supportive For CSA survivors, supportiveness is more than encouragement—it’s about creating a space to share your growth, struggles, and successes without fear of judgment, comparison, or competition. A truly supportive person uplifts and validates your experiences, celebrating your achievements wholeheartedly while understanding that your healing and progress do not take away from their own. For CSA survivors, true support fosters a sense of trust, safety, and belonging. It reinforces the belief that healing and success are not solitary journeys—we rise together, in relationships built on mutual respect, understanding, and encouragement. This looks like: They show up in triumphs and challenges; they encourage rather than overshadow; support is mutual and respectful. Compassionate Accountability For CSA survivors, accountability can be a deeply complex issue, especially when past experiences have linked mistakes with shame, punishment, or fear. In healthy relationships, accountability is not about blame or control—it’s about learning, repairing, and growing together in a way that fosters safety and trust. Compassionate accountability means acknowledging harm without reinforcing shame. When someone expresses their hurt while remaining open to working through the issue, they demonstrate both respect and trust. This creates space for honest conversations, where mistakes can be addressed without fear of rejection, abandonment, or emotional retaliation. For CSA survivors, compassionate accountability builds relationships rooted in trust and emotional safety. It allows for honesty without fear of abandonment and creates a culture where growth is nurtured through mutual care rather than fear or punishment. This looks like: Mistakes are opportunities for growth, not weapons for shame; Accountability fosters safety, not fear; Repair is prioritized over perfection; Boundaries and respect guide the process Healing doesn’t have to be a journey walked alone. If you or someone you know is a CSA survivor, we encourage you to reach out and connect. Whether it’s through a support group, a trusted friend, or The Gatehouse community, there is strength in togetherness. You