When the person who harmed you is someone you love and trust, the idea of disclosure can feel like standing at the edge of a chasm—impossible to cross. What will happen if I don’t let my voice be heard? And what will happen when I do? Sometimes, nothing happens. And that silence says everything about our culture. Other times, disclosure is like an earthquake. It shatters the foundation of your life. Relationships break apart under the weight of disbelief, mistrust, confusion, anger, and grief. And at the heart of it all is the survivor, trying to make sense of everything. Aftershocks and Blame Survivors often feel like they’re the cause of the fallout—as if they’ve ruined something by speaking up. They haven’t. They’re not the cause. They are survivors, managing the aftershock of something that was never their fault. When people respond to disclosure in ways that are re-traumatizing, it can be tempting to silence ourselves again, or feel regretful for speaking up. They begin to wonder if it was worth it. Other responses can be mixed messaging by the receiver: they can say they believe you, but act like they don’t. Or, they believe you but expect you to move on quickly; or they believe you and then never talk about it again. Leaving the individual suspended in tentative safety. And Tentative safety is NOT safety. The Reality of Disclosure When survivors stay silent, the pain often doesn’t disappear, but burrows deeper into the body. Telling your story can be liberating. For some, it’s the first concrete step toward healing. However disclosure doesn’t always bring instant relief. Sometimes the expectation is that speaking up will make everything feel better. In truth, it can feel more like looking at a wound: You assess, then take the steps you need to heal it. But it still hurts, it’s still unpleasant to examine, and it needs time. Making Sense of Loss Like resetting a broken bone—an intentional kind of hurt, scary, unavoidable, and necessary—so too is the healing journey after disclosure. Some relationships, especially those that have become emotionally necrotic, may need to be realigned or, in some cases, removed altogether. This might mean letting go of long-time friends or even family members. Even harmful connections were still connections. And loss—even when it keeps us safe—still hurts. Recovery from that kind of loss is like emotional physical therapy: uncomfortable, frustrating, and slow. But without it, we don’t regain our strength. The Crash After Speaking There can be an immense emotional crash after disclosure.Exhaustion sets in, not just from telling the story, but from everything it disrupts. Disclosure can force people to confront things they’d rather keep buried: their own complicity, their own guilt, their own understanding of who they are in relation to you. And in that space, the survivor can feel more alone than ever—vulnerable, changed, and aching for support in a world laid on shifting sands. There is likely uncertainty around what comes next. A question of how to continue the healing journey. New feelings may emerge: relief, grief, anger, and what-ifs. Another aftershock. Whether You’ve Disclosed…Or Not. No matter what your circumstance regarding disclosure, please remember: You are not responsible for other people’s inability to face the truth.You are not too much.You are not alone.You spoke because you were brave.And that bravery deserves care—not punishment.
Finding Your People: How to Build a Support System That Truly Cares
Written by: Erin Alexandra When we experience childhood sexual abuse (CSA) trauma, shame and guilt can take hold, influencing our actions and shaping how we see ourselves. These emotions often lead CSA survivors to withdraw, making their worlds feel smaller while the voice of shame grows louder and more dominant. Connection, however, fosters healing: Community acts as the earth, air, sunshine, and rain—nourishing us so that, like plants, we can grow and thrive. In safe, supportive spaces, we see our best qualities reflected in us. Through connection, we find validation and affirmation, and over time, our choices become guided by joy and fulfillment rather than fear and self-doubt. How then, do we move from isolation to connection when shame and guilt foster distrust? How do we build a support system? What we focus on expands—so rather than scanning for red flags to avoid, let’s intentionally seek out green flags, the qualities in people and relationships that foster trust, and safety. Signs of Trustworthy Behaviour Trusting after trauma can be challenging, and it can take time. Sometimes, we need to re-learn to trust our instincts. These are a few green flags to look for in people to help you remember that you deserve to be treated with love and respect. Respect for Boundaries A trustworthy person understands and respects your boundaries without pushing, questioning, or making you feel guilty. They listen when you express your needs and never pressure you to go beyond your comfort level. Likewise, when someone sets boundaries with you, it’s not a rejection—it’s an effort to maintain a healthy and respectful relationship. (Acceptance of your boundary, they don’t punish you for the boundary, adhere to the boundary, and clarify any confusion around the boundary) Actions Align with Their Words The saying ‘actions speak louder than words’ is a cliché for a reason. It’s easy to say the right thing, but true integrity is shown through follow-through. When someone’s actions align with their words, it reflects not just honesty, but also respect—for themselves, for you, and for what they say. This consistency builds a foundation where trust can grow naturally Reliability For CSA survivors, reliability is more than just keeping promises—it’s about creating a sense of safety and stability in relationships. When someone repeatedly lets us down, it can reinforce the fear that trusting others will only lead to disappointment. A reliable person, however, demonstrates through their actions that they are consistent, trustworthy, and safe. For CSA survivors, a reliable person provides reassurance that not all relationships are unpredictable or unsafe. Over time, their consistency can help rebuild trust, making it easier to form connections without fear of abandonment or betrayal. This looks like: Respecting commitments, emotional consistency, taking responsibility, and respecting your space. Empathy For CSA survivors, empathy is more than just kindness—it’s a crucial sign of emotional safety. A person who exhibits empathy listens without judgment, acknowledges your feelings, and respects your experiences without trying to fix, question, or minimize them. They understand that healing is not a linear process, and that trust is built over time, not demanded. For CSA survivors, genuine empathy fosters a sense of safety and trust, making it easier to engage in relationships without fear of being judged or misunderstood. It reassures you that your feelings and experiences matter, allowing space for healing at your own pace. This looks like: Active Listening; emotional validation; support without pressure/understanding that you know what’s best for you Good Communication For CSA survivors, clear and honest communication is essential in building safe and trusting relationships. Not everyone finds communication easy, but a trustworthy person tries to express their thoughts and feelings in a way that is honest, respectful, and considerate of your experiences. Even if they struggle, they are willing to learn, listen, and improve, ensuring that misunderstandings don’t become barriers to connection. For CSA survivors, honest and compassionate communication fosters emotional safety, making it easier to trust that your voice matters and will be met with respect. This looks like: Speaking with honesty, not harm; listening to understand, not just respond; clarity and consistency; and willingness to grow. Supportive For CSA survivors, supportiveness is more than encouragement—it’s about creating a space to share your growth, struggles, and successes without fear of judgment, comparison, or competition. A truly supportive person uplifts and validates your experiences, celebrating your achievements wholeheartedly while understanding that your healing and progress do not take away from their own. For CSA survivors, true support fosters a sense of trust, safety, and belonging. It reinforces the belief that healing and success are not solitary journeys—we rise together, in relationships built on mutual respect, understanding, and encouragement. This looks like: They show up in triumphs and challenges; they encourage rather than overshadow; support is mutual and respectful. Compassionate Accountability For CSA survivors, accountability can be a deeply complex issue, especially when past experiences have linked mistakes with shame, punishment, or fear. In healthy relationships, accountability is not about blame or control—it’s about learning, repairing, and growing together in a way that fosters safety and trust. Compassionate accountability means acknowledging harm without reinforcing shame. When someone expresses their hurt while remaining open to working through the issue, they demonstrate both respect and trust. This creates space for honest conversations, where mistakes can be addressed without fear of rejection, abandonment, or emotional retaliation. For CSA survivors, compassionate accountability builds relationships rooted in trust and emotional safety. It allows for honesty without fear of abandonment and creates a culture where growth is nurtured through mutual care rather than fear or punishment. This looks like: Mistakes are opportunities for growth, not weapons for shame; Accountability fosters safety, not fear; Repair is prioritized over perfection; Boundaries and respect guide the process Healing doesn’t have to be a journey walked alone. If you or someone you know is a CSA survivor, we encourage you to reach out and connect. Whether it’s through a support group, a trusted friend, or The Gatehouse community, there is strength in togetherness. You