Most of us don’t grow up learning healthy sexual communication skills, and those skills are rooted in basic communication and boundary-setting. For many people, especially survivors of childhood sexual abuse, these can be incredibly difficult to develop. When someone has learned that their bodily autonomy can be violated by adults or people in power, setting boundaries may feel unsafe, scary, or even selfish. But being able to voice our needs, and to speak up when something no longer feels right, is essential for engaging in pleasurable, consensual intimacy. Trust is the foundation of safety, pleasure, and connection.
Being able to voice your needs, or say when something no longer feels comfortable, is important for survivors to participate in pleasurable, intimate acts with whomever they choose. Trust is integral to sex, pleasure, and safety.
There is Never a Wrong Time to Say No
Many people think they need a valid reason to say no—especially if something felt okay last time. But that’s false. You don’t need to justify your limits. If you don’t want something, or don’t want something done to you, that’s reason enough. You might also fall into gaslighting thought patterns, worrying that saying “no” or changing your mind is misleading or hurtful to your partner. But healthy sexual connection is not based on assumptions, pressure, or force. It’s built on mutual care and active communication.
If someone responds by calling you selfish, accusing you of leading them on, or coercing you to continue—these are not acceptable responses. These are red flags. The only appropriate response from whomever you are with is to acknowledge and listen to your boundary and your needs.
Checking-In Increases Intimacy
If you’re not used to being asked how you’re feeling during intimacy, it might feel awkward, uncomfortable, or even confusing at first. You might freeze, not know how to respond, or worry about saying the “wrong” thing. That’s okay. Being asked questions like:
- “Does this feel okay?”
- “Are you enjoying this?”
- “Want to slow down?”
- “Can I try something new?”
can feel unfamiliar, but they’re signs of care, respect, and consent. You are allowed to respond however feels most comfortable—whether that’s physical or verbal confirmation. You’re also allowed to change your mind. You can say: I don’t know, can we pause? or, I need a break. If that feels hard, you can even agree ahead of time on a gesture, word, or signal that means “stop” or “I need a moment.”
After-Care Check-Ins
Questions that might be posed to you post intimacy might sound like: How was that for you? Is there anything you would want to do differently next time? What did you enjoy most?
These kinds of questions can be a playful and affirming way to reflect on your experience. They create space to share what you liked, what didn’t feel right, and what you might want more of. Intimacy doesn’t always have to be serious—it can also be fun, light, and full of curiosity. Aftercare conversations like these can strengthen connection, set the stage for deeper trust, and even create anticipation for next time.
Many survivors have had their voices dismissed or taken away, often leading to the internalized belief that their voice doesn’t matter. This can make setting boundaries feel unnatural at first. With practice, though, speaking up and expressing how you feel becomes easier. Start small.
Practice Boundaries With Low-Stakes Situation
If you aren’t quite ready for intimacy, but you want to practice paying attention to your feelings and your needs, below are a few ways to ease yourself into this healthy habit.
Name your feeling
Start by simply noticing and naming your feelings (e.g., “I feel uncomfortable,” “I feel curious,” “I feel nervous”). This helps connect your internal experience to your right to respond or set limits.
Small step: Journal or say aloud one feeling a day related to connection or disconnection.
Use “No” in Low-Stakes Situations
Practise saying “no” or “not right now” with friends, family, or in everyday scenarios. Rebuild trust in your voice and teach your nervous system it’s safe to speak up.
Small step: Turn down a social invitation or request, and notice how it feels.
Share a Preference
Practise openness by sharing something you do like, want, or enjoy—whether food, music, or a type of touch.
Small step: Say “I really liked when you…” or “It feels good when…”
Set One Micro-Boundary Per Week
Choose a very small action that reinforces your autonomy, such as ending a call when you’re tired, or asking someone to knock before entering your room. Small step: Celebrate each boundary set—no matter how small—with affirming self-talk or journaling.
No is a complete sentence. Explanations are not required. We might feel anxious about how people are going to respond to our no’s, but their responses are about them, not you. Hold your boundary. You are worth it.
