For survivors of childhood sexual abuse (CSA), the relationship between self-love and sexuality can be especially complex. The trauma experienced in childhood often distorts our earliest understandings of love, safety, consent, and the body. Rebuilding that relationship later in life is not linear, but it is an immeasurable act of self-love.
When Trauma Shapes Sexuality
Childhood sexual abuse introduces sexuality not as a site of joy or curiosity, but as one of confusion, fear, coercion, or silence. This can sever the connection between body, identity, and desire. Survivors may struggle with dissociation, body image, uncertainty of how to relate to intimacy, and confusion around what safe, healthy sexuality and pleasure looks like. Furthermore, CSA does not only disrupt sexual development, it impacts how people relate to their own bodies, needs, and sense of worth.
Many survivors describe feeling as though their sexuality was “stolen” from them or “made” them a certain way. Some respond by avoiding sex or intimacy entirely, while others may engage in unsafe sexual behaviours, or sexual behaviors that feel detached. Other forms of navigating sex and sexuality after trauma might include:
- Dissociation during intimacy—mentally checking out or feeling numb
- Body dysphoria or disgust—feeling estranged from their own physicality
- Confusion about arousal or desire—wondering what’s trauma and what’s truth
- Fear of being touched, seen, or truly known
Reconnecting with pleasure consciously creates space for a sexuality that belongs to you, not shaped by abuse, shame, or obligation; A sexuality rooted in agency, self-awareness, and choice. It might take time, and that’s okay.
Boundaries, Safety, and Trust
Many CSA survivors were never taught what healthy boundaries look like. In fact, abuse often blurs or outright destroys the concept of bodily autonomy. As adults, this can make it difficult to know where you end and someone else begins. You may second-guess your “no,” override your instincts, or struggle to feel safe even in consensual relationships.
Boundaries are not selfish—they’re sacred. They say: This is what I need to feel safe. This is what I cannot allow. Boundaries are one way to show love both for yourself, and those you care about.
Rebuilding trust, especially in romantic or sexual relationships, takes time. Start with yourself:
- Notice your body’s signals
- Honour your yes, your maybe, your no
- Learn to pause and check in
From this place of internal safety, connection with others can emerge, not from fear or people-pleasing, but from authenticity.
Healing often involves unlearning harmful messages and relearning what boundaries feel like: No one can touch you without your permission. You can change your mind. Boundaries, like lines in the sand, can be removed, added, or moved. Trust, especially in intimate relationships, can take time. And that’s okay. Everyone deserves love that is mutual, respectful, and rooted in care, not power, fear, or obligation.
Sexual Self-Love Is More Than Sex
Abuse often forces survivors to disconnect from their bodies as a means of survival. Being at home in your body again is one of the most radical acts a CSA survivor can make. It’s also one of the hardest. But it’s not impossible.
Pleasure can be sexual, but it doesn’t have to be. Furthermore sexual self-love and sexual safety doesn’t require a partner. Pleasure begins with permission to exist, to feel, to take up space in your own life. Pleasure might look like:
- Feeling safe in your own skin
- Reclaiming pleasure on your own terms
- Saying “no” without guilt—and saying “yes” only when it feels right
- Letting the sun warm your face
- Laughter with someone you trust
- Dancing
Self-love is not about being “healed” or reaching some ideal version of yourself. It’s about recognizing your body as yours, your desire is valid, and your boundaries are non-negotiable. That’s what sexual self-love looks like in practice—it honours your past, without letting it define your future.
Compulsory Norms vs. Authentic Sexuality
Many survivors, particularly those who are queer, trans, or nonbinary, have also wrestled with compulsory heterosexuality or gender norms that add another layer of confusion. You may have asked yourself:
- Am I attracted to this gender because I genuinely desire them—or because it feels safer?
- Do I perform femininity or masculinity to protect myself?
- Would I feel differently about sex or gender if I had never been harmed?
- What do I really want?
These brave questions are not problems to fix, but paths to explore. This journey towards re-discovery of pleasure also means honoring the space to not know, to discover your truth slowly, with tenderness. You don’t need to justify who you are. You only need to feel at home in it.
Practices for Survivors Exploring Sexual Self-Love
Everyone’s healing is unique. Below are some possible ways to begin, or enhance your self-love journey towards pleasure tailored for you, by you.
- ourney towards pleasure tailored for you, by you.
- Mirror work: Take a few moments to look at yourself in the mirror without judgment. Acknowledge, “This is my body right now.” Notice what you like and what you don’t—without trying to change anything in the moment. The goal isn’t to force positivity, but to practise acceptance. You can think about changes later if you want to. For now, simply allow yourself to witness and be with your body as it is.
- Journaling: Letting your truth flow onto the page
- Self-touch: Exploring your body with kindness, not shame
- Trauma-informed therapy or peer support groups
- Reading survivor stories that validate your experience
Self-love, and discovering the kind of pleasure that feels right for you, free from shame or judgment isn’t always easy. But it’s a powerful step toward healing and freedom.
