Creativity & Healing – Exploring the Inner Child By: Umair Memon, Gatehouse Placement Student Addiction & Mental Health We spend three weeks on ‘Inner Child’ in the Peer Support Phase 1. As the sexual abuse took place when we were children, importance is given in exploring inner child work. This is an expansive topic and individuals can choose to spend considerable time doing inner child work outside of group as the three weeks can still not be enough for individuals. I wanted to discuss the connection between the inner child and the creativity that children pose. Not all of the inner child work has to be about the abuse. We explore ideas of what brought us joy in our childhood, ways we expressed our creativity, what we wanted to be when we grow up? What caught our attention as a child? Any music? Car? Toy? An event? A trip? Colors that attracted us or sounds? Maybe even familiar fond smells, like a fresh cone in an ice cream store? If you have made it too adulthood chances are that you have been able to navigate a whole plethora of situations and are here today. You are here. Against all odds, your wisdom has led you to be here, to survive. Amongst many of the darker situations we explore, we can also look with curiosity as to what was our ability to survive. Something must have gotten us through those dark times. Was it music? Cooking? A Sport? A friend? A pet? Exploring those connections that allowed you to make it here can tell us a story. In a lot of cases that’s where our creativity might be. As a child I was obsessed with a 99-piece generic Lego set. I would make and break countless houses, things over and over again. I loved the freedom and the joy of having the ability to make anything I wanted. This set stayed in a pink plastic bag. Those are all memories I have of my childhood playing with Lego. As an adult I have a few star war pieces that I have made and they occupy my time with something I enjoy. As an adult I feel playing with Legos has helped me envision different possibilities with physical spaces working previously in an industrial manufacturing. Allowing me to see or envision what would help to improve the flow or increase space in layouts. As an adult I also enjoy math and I am good with numbers. I find which also requires some form of creativity to solve problems. I can’t help but even envision a version of the Gatehouse where the ground floor larger bathroom and kitchen are opened up to a new wing keeping the integrity of the existing house but giving us more space for a number of different programs. I can’t help myself. If you look at the house from the outside, you will notice the side on the west has clear space before the trees begin. I think this would be perfect for an expansion. No body ask me to do this. It is something I explored on my own. We could even have a basement, maybe a glass façade to offset the heritage building. Possibilities are endless. Another way I tap into my creativity is with food. I think food has been a coping mechanism for me and now as an adult I have explored that by developing a passion for cooking. I find the allows me to express my creativity with ingredients and allows me to play with a number of different formulas to get the balance or flavor right. The formula seems mathematical and it might be, but it could mean anything, could be the technique of cooking, the size, the layering of flavors anything. Another reason food works for me is that just like with Lego allows me to work with my hands. I also feel with my recovery I have increased my capacity to be patient with myself and now find myself baking bread, which before I could not do as I had little or no patience. Oddly enough I remember the first time I cooked was being taken to a Japanese restaurant and sitting at the teppanyaki counter. I was so amazed and I tried to recreate that at home. If you feel comfortable, explore those memories that mesmerized you as a child with excitement, that held your attention and curiosity. Visit those in a safe space, see what it might be like to reconnect with those joys. This does not mean that all forms of creativity might translate in our adult life, but I do feel it might be worth looking into what made you happy as a child and trying to tap into that wisdom and be curious as to see how that might translate in our adult life.
How do I know my inner child needs healing?
How do I know if my inner child needs healing? Written by: Sienna Wallwork, Program Assistant, Bsc. Family & Community Social Services. (She/Her/Hers) The simplest way to explain the inner child is that it is a version of our past selves we still carry with us. Whether you have been aware of it up until now or not, we all have an inner child. Even if you do not feel connected to it, it is there. Your inner child can explain why you react to certain things the way you do. Many of us have inner child wounds, from various traumas we have experienced. There are a few tell-tale signs that your inner child is wounded (and luckily, there are many ways to start the healing process). It is important to listen to your inner child, and learn to love them properly. Many of these wounds come from a variety of sources. It can be anything from outright, obvious abuse to more subtle things that you may not have caught (such as emotional neglect or verbal belittling from those we were supposed to be able to trust). Additionally, a lot of us receive inner child wounds from society. Society often makes people (especially young, vulnerable people) feel like they must fit into a certain mold. When we don’t fit this, it can result in inner wounds. Now that we know what an inner child is and where these wounds can come from, what are the signs that your inner child is wounded? Here are some signs that you have a wounded inner child. The first sign is that when you are upset, you are speaking to yourself in a negative way. This happens because children are very sensitive; so it makes sense that your inner child can be just as sensitive. Similarly, since your inner child can be so sensitive, small things sending you spiraling can be a sign of a wounded inner child, since everything can feel so intense to a child. Other signs of a wounded inner child include constant seeking of validation, trust issues, and a part of you feeling unlovable. Citations Davis, S. (n.d.). The Wounded Inner Child. CPTSDfoundationorg. Retrieved July 29, 2022, from https://cptsdfoundation.org/2020/07/13/the-wounded-inner-child/
What questions should I ask my Inner Child?
What questions should I ask my inner child? Written by: Sienna Wallwork, Program Assistant, Bsc. Family & Community Social Services. (She/Her/Hers) It is important to try to connect with your inner child. This can help you understand yourself more, as well as understand where your behaviours and reactions come from. One good way to ask the following questions to your inner child (and have them answered), is to use a healing journal. A healing journal is a journal you will write these prompts/questions in, and have them answered as you write. It is important to keep in mind that inner child healing is a lengthy, and emotional process. At times it can be draining or even triggering. It is recommended to do this work with a solid support system around you, such as friends/partners/family, or even a therapist or counsellor to guide you. Before asking specific questions to your inner child, you can try to connect yourself to them by simply writing about memories from your childhood and how they made you feel. Once you have opened up this door to your inner child, start using these prompts to connect & uncover more about them. How is your inner child feeling currently? As a child, what did you always lack/were deprived of? What is your inner child afraid of? In what way is this affecting your life right now? If you could say anything to your inner child, what would you say? In what ways can you support your inner child now that you were unable to before? These prompts can help you feel more connected to your inner child, and they can start the healing process. It should be noted though that these can also be highly emotional prompts, so please remember to practice self care as you heal! References Vyas, N. (2020, August 20). 8 journal prompts on how to heal your inner child. Nikita Vyas. Retrieved July 26, 2022, from https://www.nikitaavyas.in/post/8-journal-prompts-on-how-to-heal-your-inner-child
Releasing Self-Blame from the Inner Child after CSA
Releasing Self-Blame from the Inner Child after CSA By Amy Tai, Community and Justice Services Diploma, Program Assistant Guilt, shame, and self-blame often manifest within survivors of CSA. Transferring accountability and blame from the abuser to the victim can lead to self-blame. The abuser makes the victim feel accountable for their acts by placing blame on the person they harmed as though it were their responsibility. Given that they are too young and helpless to defend themselves, children who have experienced childhood sexual abuse (CSA) frequently fall victim to this kind of deception. No matter what you feel you did or didn’t do or allowed or didn’t allow, you are never the one to blame for the abuse you suffered. A crucial step in the healing process for any survivor is to let go and release all self-blame, both toward their inner child and toward their adult self. Abusers are the only ones who can ever bear the guilt and shame of their actions. Since it was not your responsibility, you have no reason to feel guilty or ashamed. Unfortunately, releasing shame and self-blame is not always so simple. According to Dr. Brene Brown, people who lack the ability to empathize cannot experience shame. As a result, those who experience shame have the ability to manage it: “Empathy is the antidote to shame (Hess, 2013).” With this in mind, here are some ways you can try to release shame and self-blame: Give yourself empathy. Try talking about your shame with someone you trust. Even if you don’t feel there is anyone you can talk to, you can try journaling. Write down your feelings of shame and self-blame. The more you are able to talk about it, write about it, and stare it in the face, the less power it has over you. Take the time to address the self-blame and shame that your inner child carries around. Release them from that burden. Write a letter to your younger self explaining to them that it is not their fault, they are not to blame. Try reciting this mantra to yourself when you feel shame and self-blame starting to take over: It does not matter what I did or didn’t do. I was sexually abused because my abuser chose to abuse me. I am not to blame for the abuse. Through this process of unravelling the web of confusion surrounding guilt, shame, and self-blame, you will become aware of guilt and shame that have been passed on to you that you have internalized as your own. By doing this, you can redistribute this toxic guilt and shame to its rightful place: on the abuser and others who have harmed you. This allows you to take back control of reality and understand what really happened. Any crippling self-blame and shame no longer have a home in you. You are free to live your life to the fullest. References Hess, W. (2013, February 21). Empathy is the Antidote to Shame. Whitney Hess. https://whitneyhess.com/blog/2013/02/21/empathy-is-the-antidote-to-shame/#:%7E:text=Brown%20argues%20that%20shame%20cannot,are%2C%20%E2%80%9CMe%20too.%E2%80%9D
Healing Your Inner Child
Healing Your Inner Child Written By: Yeshi Lhamo, Yeshi Lhamo, She/Her/Hers, BA, Practicum Student, The Gatehouse, Individuals who have been sexually abused at a young age often carry a lot of heavy emotions. Healing the inner child is one of the most rewarding yet emotionally difficult processes that survivors engage with at The Gatehouse. There is no one answer, strategy, or solution to help an individual heal from the trauma of childhood sexual abuse. Everyone handles each situation differently; some express it, and some suppress it. After-effects of childhood sexual abuse (CSA) can include: Anxiety Anger Self-directed rage Emotional numbness These are just a few of many, many aftereffects survivors of childhood sexual abuse face. When an individual faces such traumatic events in their life at such a young age, their inner child is often attached to negative or uncomfortable feelings such as feelings of betrayal, alone, neglected, and hurt. When an individual has been affected by CSA connecting with their inner child can be extremely hard as it allows one to be directly confronted by the wounds of their past. Specialists in inner child work suggest that “connecting with your inner child slowly, gently, non-judgementally, and compassionately” (Rape Recovery Center, 2019) is a positive way to start healing. Steps to Healing your Inner Child can include: Forgiving yourself Journaling Talking to someone you trust or a certified therapist Meditation Consistent use of Affirmation Setting Boundaries This is just a small list of how CSA survivors can heal their inner children slowly. Everyone is different, and even if they have experienced the same trauma, it is handled and felt differently. Even taking what may be considered a little step such as going for a walk, or journaling can all be micro tips into gradually healing your inner child. References: Rape Recovery Center. (2020, March 17). Tools for healing: Connecting to your inner child. Rape Recovery Center. Retrieved May 18, 2022, from https://www.raperecoverycenter.org/newsletter/inner-child
Healing the Inner Child
Healing the Inner Child Written By: Daniella Tucci, Practicum Student Every single person has an inner child. The inner child is a depiction of our true and authentic self. Unfortunately, those who have endured childhood sexual abuse (CSA) most often hide behind a false self. The image of the false self is created to protect ourselves from further physical and emotional pain, as well as suffering. By repressing our true self, feelings of sadness, depression, and grief can arise due to mourning our true self – our inner child. For survivors of CSA to reclaim our true self and help heal our inner child, we must undergo a nurturing process of healing, which can be rewarding as well as challenging. The topic of the inner child can be triggering as we dive into our past experiences, which can cause mind memories, as well as body memories of the abuse. At The Gatehouse, we provide a safe and open space where we can communicate our needs, comfort, and concerns so as a group we can support one another to overcome these barriers (when you are ready) and heal your inner child. Important Reminder: Everyone’s healing journey looks different. It is OK if your inner child needs more time and nurture to heal. It is important NOT to compare yourself to others. To enhance the process of personal growth and help you heal your inner child we focus on Reconnecting, Forgiving, & Healing. Each stage has different objectives and purposes to help support you find your true self. The opportunity to reconnect, forgive, and heal your inner child can be an empowering and liberating process. It allows you to rediscover and accept your inner child, so you may reclaim and live as your true self. An empowering tool to help support the healing process is the use of affirmations. Affirmations can be used to enhance self-love, respect, and confidence in oneself on their healing journey. Listed below are examples of affirmations to heal the inner child: You are a valuable and good person You did not deserve what happened You are not bad because of what happened You are not alone anymore Most often CSA survivors become so disconnected from their inner child that change seems impossible. Change is possible and healing their inner child is a part of that change. By providing a safe, open, and inclusive space where we can discuss the topic of the inner child, we hope we can help survivors find their true self again. References The Gatehouse. (2020). Phase 1 peer support group participant manual.
Inner Child: A Visitor From the Past
Hello, fellow survivors!! I am a survivor and am taking part in the phase one peer support program at The Gatehouse. Since we began, we’ve discussed topics such as anger, addiction, and triggers. This week: the sixth session, was the first of three sessions that focus entirely on our “Inner Child.” I looked over the entire program when we first received it, but I had forgotten about this part of it, and it caused just a wee bit of anxiety…was I going to be able to connect with her, or would she be evasive like she’s been with some of my memories? We were asked to bring a photo of ourselves, one that had been taken during our childhood. I wasn’t sure what we were going to do with this photo, but I had no doubt which one I was going to choose; it had been given to me by my mother decades earlier. I never understood why she gave me something that I thought should have been a keepsake for her, but I put it in one of the middle drawers of my dresser, and pretty much forgot about it. When I went to get the photo in question, I realized there were some class photos, as well as a six-inch lock of my hair in the same envelope. I looked through the photos and then held up the lock of hair, remembering that it had been mine. The tears started rolling down my cheeks because it reminded me of a traumatic incident that happened to me when I was quite young – maybe five? My mother had gotten angry with me for going outside and messing up my hair. It had gotten tangled while I was outside playing and when I whined while she was trying to brush it, she took a pair of scissors and cut off one of my pigtails just above my left ear. I was devastated because I had just started kindergarten and here, I was looking like a little boy with a really bad haircut, instead of a little girl. I looked at the picture of me at least 10 times in the five days before this week’s group, and the more I looked at it, the more I realized how little I was. I was so young and vulnerable, and I didn’t deserve to be treated like I was less than human. The guilt and shame that I’d been living with for decades, should never have been directed at me – ever. As I mentioned earlier, I’d already read part of this week’s material, so I was nervous when Monday came, and the group started. I don’t know about you, but I’ve been hiding from my inner child; for decades, and I knew that trying to connect with her might not be easy. Not only that, but survivors also don’t always connect the first time and I was afraid that would be me. At the start of the meditation, the facilitator that was leading us through it told us to get comfortable, close our eyes and concentrate on the sound of her voice, and what she was saying. If you’ve never meditated before, you might find this difficult in the beginning, but I’ve been meditating for close to two years and I was able to open my mind completely. I listened to the facilitator’s voice gently guiding me towards my inner child: …breathe in and out, slowly and deep into your belly. …relax all the way down your back. …allow your thoughts to become peaceful. …go to a place where you felt safe as a child. …when you have something make the image as clear as you can. …now imagine your child self, coming towards you… I was getting to my safe place when I heard her say those last seven words, and as I heard them, my breathe caught in my throat. I could see her; me and as she walked towards me, I couldn’t hear the facilitator anymore, all I could hear was myself saying, you’re so small; you’re just a small child. It was bright; so incredibly bright, almost like the little child walking towards me was an angel and the light was shining out of her. She slowly walked towards me and as she took my hand in hers, I could see that her face was beaming with joy. I asked her what she wanted from me and she told me that she just wanted to walk with me. There was this bright light all around us, and it felt so good to be walking alongside her. We walked quietly, relishing in each other’s company, and when I asked her if she was tired from walking, she said yes. I then asked her if she wanted me to pick her up, and she nodded her head yes. I reached down and as I lifted her little body into my arms, I was reminded of how tiny she was. She reached up with both hands and stroked my hair before tucking her head under my chin and wrapping her arms around my neck. It felt so comforting to hold her, so I just stood there and rocked with her, telling her how much I loved her. We cried, but they were happy tears because we were so happy that we had finally reunited with one another. When I put her down, she held her hands out to me and when I reached out to see what she was giving to me, she very gently put a frog in my hand; smiled at me and skipped away. The meditation was so profound, especially the frog because I’ve always loved frogs and I believe it was a way for my inner child to show me that she wants me to get in touch with that little girl and show her how to play and be happy. She also wants me to stop blaming myself because she said that it never
Grieving For A Lost Childhood
Grieving for a Lost Childhood By Maria Barcelos and Sherry Slejska For survivors of childhood sexual abuse, the pain associated with acknowledging the past, understanding it and accepting and then finally healing can simply be overwhelming. Finding meaningful and lasting healing typically involves grieving for the loss of a healthy childhood, the survivor’s innocence, and sense of self. Many suffer decades of loneliness and isolation, trying to cope with the shame, guilt, and fear of being vulnerable in relationships. Abuse is a violation of trust and once violated, survivors experience deepened shame and disconnection with self and others. ” It might come as no surprise that I revisited the idea of grief this week. When I was a participant at The Gatehouse, I was still rejecting the idea that it wasn’t my fault, so grieving certainly was an interesting idea but I wasn’t there. This weekend, I was able to celebrate the courageous little girl I was and say goodbye to the victim, and really open to the future. I thought I had found peace, but it was nothing like this version” – Sherry S., Peer Facilitator, The Gatehouse Many survivors kept the abuse secret – often threatened or guilted, and too young to understand what happened or to advocate for themselves when it occurred. The secret became ongoing silence, and silence gave way to self judgement which nurtured the abounding shame; that sense that “I am a mistake and that there is something very wrong about me.” These latter thoughts can be further reinforced especially if the survivor depended on the abuser (e.g., parent supporting them financially or survivor was manipulated to thinking the abuse was a form of love) and the impact even more challenging of they did come forward and were not believed. The shame that ensues following childhood sexual abuse may keep survivors bound to the past; mentally, physically, and emotionally. We often see evidence of this in daily behaviors and adaptive ways of perceiving and navigating life. Those that blame themselves for what happened may further isolate and can become dissociative, disconnection, and live on what on might call “survival mode” as fear and shame direct their decisions and actions. We often hear, “I had no idea my struggles were a direct consequence of childhood trauma.” It can take decades for survivors to come forward and break the silence, and by this time, many other losses and injuries have occurred, and they have likely struggled for many years. The losses experienced by a CSA survivor can be great. “My self-esteem suffered. My ability to make friendships and connect with others suffered. My ability to trust became skewed transaction-based thinking and understanding boundaries can be a near foreign idea” A common thought we hear about is “They are being nice to me, what do they want?” And people pleasing can become second nature as survivors either seek to avoid people or find safety around them. This is not an exhaustive description of the losses that survivors experience. Releasing the grasp of shame involves grieving for a lost childhood. Reconnecting with the inner child, the little person that lives in all of us. The little person that is sometimes screaming for help, frustrated, and needing attention, or sad and needing a hug. Grieving the various injuries suffered, and the losses experienced after the abuse. Grieving involves being validated for your strengths, your courage, and your wholeness as a person all of which comes from within. When a survivor accepts that it wasn’t their fault. The shame was not theirs to have and compassionately looks back at the child and all that little person’s lost, the healing can really start to take hold. “I can honestly say, after grieving the fullness of what was lost; from the tangible things like relationships, education and a meaningful career to the deeper stuff like poor self esteem, boundary impairment, emotional dysregulation and all that goes with not developing a wholeness of The Self, I’m finally good. I can breathe and say good-by to what was once a very painful past and be open to a future of possibilities.” – Sherry S., Peer Facilitator, The Gatehouse. Recommended Reads