Boundaries and Self-Worth Written By: Amy Tai, Community and Justice Services (diploma), Program Assistant Your level of self-worth is directly correlated to the boundaries you set for yourself. In fact, boundary setting is a powerful act of self-care. The more you realize your self-worth, the more able you are to create and stick to your boundaries. Merriam-Webster defines self-worth as “a feeling that you are a good person who deserves to be treated with respect”. In other words, having a good sense of self-worth means you believe that you deserve to be treated with respect. If you don’t believe you are worthy of respect, you won’t believe you are worthy of having your boundaries respected. This can translate to allowing a lot of toxic and disrespectful behaviours and patterns to continue because you are of the belief that you don’t deserve to be treated better. Creating a greater sense of self-worth can help you set boundaries that you believe you are worthy of. Here are a few ways to cultivate a greater sense of self-worth: Build self-understanding. Learn who you are, what you want, and what you need. Think about the things you like most about yourself, the things you like least, a time you were proud of yourself, a time others were proud of you. What brings you joy and fulfillment, and what leaves you feeling empty and drained? What do you struggle most with? What are you afraid of? Answering these questions will help you to better understand who you are. Build self- acceptance. While the first step involved a lot of positive thinking about yourself, it also tackled some areas in which you may feel you need to improve. The first step to self-acceptance is to forgive yourself for these struggles and fears that can hold you back. Think about all the things you listed while answering the above questions, and accept yourself for all that you are – fears and struggles included. Once you have accepted yourself for who you are, you can learn to love and care for yourself in the most intentional way. Recognize your self-worth. You have just tackled some big questions and truths and it is so important that you acknowledge and recognize the courage and work that it took to get here. Remember, you have the power within you to inspire change – you never have to settle for less than what you deserve. Your value comes from the inside, from all these little things that make you, you! And no one has the power to take that away from you. You get to decide for yourself what you do and don’t deserve. You have the power to set the tone for which others are to treat you. So, get to know yourself, know your worth, and create boundaries so that you never have to settle for less than what you deserve. As Brene Brown explained, “daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others. We can’t base our worthiness on others’ approval. Only when we believe, deep down, that we are enough can we say “Enough!” (Brown, 2013). References Brown, B. B. (2013, August 20). How to Set Boundaries – Brene Brown’s Advice. Oprah.Com. https://www.oprah.com/spirit/how-to-set-boundaries-brene-browns-advice
Healing Your Inner Child
Healing Your Inner Child Written By: Yeshi Lhamo, Yeshi Lhamo, She/Her/Hers, BA, Practicum Student, The Gatehouse, Individuals who have been sexually abused at a young age often carry a lot of heavy emotions. Healing the inner child is one of the most rewarding yet emotionally difficult processes that survivors engage with at The Gatehouse. There is no one answer, strategy, or solution to help an individual heal from the trauma of childhood sexual abuse. Everyone handles each situation differently; some express it, and some suppress it. After-effects of childhood sexual abuse (CSA) can include: Anxiety Anger Self-directed rage Emotional numbness These are just a few of many, many aftereffects survivors of childhood sexual abuse face. When an individual faces such traumatic events in their life at such a young age, their inner child is often attached to negative or uncomfortable feelings such as feelings of betrayal, alone, neglected, and hurt. When an individual has been affected by CSA connecting with their inner child can be extremely hard as it allows one to be directly confronted by the wounds of their past. Specialists in inner child work suggest that “connecting with your inner child slowly, gently, non-judgementally, and compassionately” (Rape Recovery Center, 2019) is a positive way to start healing. Steps to Healing your Inner Child can include: Forgiving yourself Journaling Talking to someone you trust or a certified therapist Meditation Consistent use of Affirmation Setting Boundaries This is just a small list of how CSA survivors can heal their inner children slowly. Everyone is different, and even if they have experienced the same trauma, it is handled and felt differently. Even taking what may be considered a little step such as going for a walk, or journaling can all be micro tips into gradually healing your inner child. References: Rape Recovery Center. (2020, March 17). Tools for healing: Connecting to your inner child. Rape Recovery Center. Retrieved May 18, 2022, from https://www.raperecoverycenter.org/newsletter/inner-child
Healing the Inner Child
Healing the Inner Child Written By: Daniella Tucci, Practicum Student Every single person has an inner child. The inner child is a depiction of our true and authentic self. Unfortunately, those who have endured childhood sexual abuse (CSA) most often hide behind a false self. The image of the false self is created to protect ourselves from further physical and emotional pain, as well as suffering. By repressing our true self, feelings of sadness, depression, and grief can arise due to mourning our true self – our inner child. For survivors of CSA to reclaim our true self and help heal our inner child, we must undergo a nurturing process of healing, which can be rewarding as well as challenging. The topic of the inner child can be triggering as we dive into our past experiences, which can cause mind memories, as well as body memories of the abuse. At The Gatehouse, we provide a safe and open space where we can communicate our needs, comfort, and concerns so as a group we can support one another to overcome these barriers (when you are ready) and heal your inner child. Important Reminder: Everyone’s healing journey looks different. It is OK if your inner child needs more time and nurture to heal. It is important NOT to compare yourself to others. To enhance the process of personal growth and help you heal your inner child we focus on Reconnecting, Forgiving, & Healing. Each stage has different objectives and purposes to help support you find your true self. The opportunity to reconnect, forgive, and heal your inner child can be an empowering and liberating process. It allows you to rediscover and accept your inner child, so you may reclaim and live as your true self. An empowering tool to help support the healing process is the use of affirmations. Affirmations can be used to enhance self-love, respect, and confidence in oneself on their healing journey. Listed below are examples of affirmations to heal the inner child: You are a valuable and good person You did not deserve what happened You are not bad because of what happened You are not alone anymore Most often CSA survivors become so disconnected from their inner child that change seems impossible. Change is possible and healing their inner child is a part of that change. By providing a safe, open, and inclusive space where we can discuss the topic of the inner child, we hope we can help survivors find their true self again. References The Gatehouse. (2020). Phase 1 peer support group participant manual.
Letting go of your past – Moving Beyond Childhood Sexual Abuse Trauma
Letting go of your past – Moving Beyond Childhood Sexual Abuse Trauma By: Maria Barcelos, MA, Executive Director, The Gatehouse & Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying) It happened. Childhood sexual abuse does not define who I am as a person. This is a realization that took me decades to accept. I often thought that if someone knew, they would not want to be my friend, or they would look at me differently. I am not alone in this. I know this because, in the 10 years of working at The Gatehouse, I have heard these “me too” responses to this very experience from hundreds of survivors. Why is it that many survivors feel like it does? It’s shame talking. The shame of carrying the story of the abuse. The shame of feeling unworthy because of it. The shame of the abuse is not mine to hold. What would it look like to let go of that shame? For me, it was accepting that it was not my fault and that I am more than my abuse. Survivors of childhood sexual abuse often spend years minimizing the events or dismissing them by pretending it did not happen or by surrendering to feelings of guilt or self-blame. It was not my fault. I will write this again; it was not my fault. It was not your fault. Accepting this reality for some survivors is difficult, as the self-blame has kept them in survival, has kept them alive. The self-blame no longer serves us. This is sometimes expressed in the inner child work that is done at The Gatehouse phase 1 program. Sometimes survivors may experience anger and indifference to their inner child. Healing is not linear. There is no set process that says, if you do this and that, you will be able to let go of the hurt you feel. It is your journey and you are not alone in it. An unhealed past often manifests itself in the present in unhelpful ways. This often happens when survivors do not acknowledge the impact of the abuse, the many losses they have experienced after the abuse. Some survivors may think that they are totally healed. The old behaviours that helped us survive are often no longer serving us in the present moment. Think about what this looks like for you. What are you still doing that you know is hurting or hold you back from living your best life? What are some other habits that you want to develop that will help you stop self-sabotaging your healing journey? These are difficult questions because they invite us to explore some of the most shameful aspects of our daily life experiences. The answers you write today to these may change over time and that is OK. You are not alone. Seeking support on the healing journey is important to rebuilding trust and a sense of safety. I have heard so many stories from survivors about how they told someone, and they did not feel supported or were shut down shortly after because the receiver was uncomfortable, and the survivor then became the comforter. Dr. Brene Brown’s words come to mind often in these examples, “people have to earn the right to hear your story.” Who do you trust with your story? Healing from CSA trauma takes time, patience, and self-love. There is no set timeline or perfect therapy or program that is going to “fix you.” You do not need to be fixed because you are not broken. You are worthy of love and belonging. You are a human being that was harmed. The abuse happened to you. It does not define who you are as a human being. The Gatehouse provides peer support groups for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. To schedule a confidential intake meeting, contact Stephanie@thegatehouse.org
Grieving For A Lost Childhood
Grieving for a Lost Childhood By Maria Barcelos and Sherry Slejska For survivors of childhood sexual abuse, the pain associated with acknowledging the past, understanding it and accepting and then finally healing can simply be overwhelming. Finding meaningful and lasting healing typically involves grieving for the loss of a healthy childhood, the survivor’s innocence, and sense of self. Many suffer decades of loneliness and isolation, trying to cope with the shame, guilt, and fear of being vulnerable in relationships. Abuse is a violation of trust and once violated, survivors experience deepened shame and disconnection with self and others. ” It might come as no surprise that I revisited the idea of grief this week. When I was a participant at The Gatehouse, I was still rejecting the idea that it wasn’t my fault, so grieving certainly was an interesting idea but I wasn’t there. This weekend, I was able to celebrate the courageous little girl I was and say goodbye to the victim, and really open to the future. I thought I had found peace, but it was nothing like this version” – Sherry S., Peer Facilitator, The Gatehouse Many survivors kept the abuse secret – often threatened or guilted, and too young to understand what happened or to advocate for themselves when it occurred. The secret became ongoing silence, and silence gave way to self judgement which nurtured the abounding shame; that sense that “I am a mistake and that there is something very wrong about me.” These latter thoughts can be further reinforced especially if the survivor depended on the abuser (e.g., parent supporting them financially or survivor was manipulated to thinking the abuse was a form of love) and the impact even more challenging of they did come forward and were not believed. The shame that ensues following childhood sexual abuse may keep survivors bound to the past; mentally, physically, and emotionally. We often see evidence of this in daily behaviors and adaptive ways of perceiving and navigating life. Those that blame themselves for what happened may further isolate and can become dissociative, disconnection, and live on what on might call “survival mode” as fear and shame direct their decisions and actions. We often hear, “I had no idea my struggles were a direct consequence of childhood trauma.” It can take decades for survivors to come forward and break the silence, and by this time, many other losses and injuries have occurred, and they have likely struggled for many years. The losses experienced by a CSA survivor can be great. “My self-esteem suffered. My ability to make friendships and connect with others suffered. My ability to trust became skewed transaction-based thinking and understanding boundaries can be a near foreign idea” A common thought we hear about is “They are being nice to me, what do they want?” And people pleasing can become second nature as survivors either seek to avoid people or find safety around them. This is not an exhaustive description of the losses that survivors experience. Releasing the grasp of shame involves grieving for a lost childhood. Reconnecting with the inner child, the little person that lives in all of us. The little person that is sometimes screaming for help, frustrated, and needing attention, or sad and needing a hug. Grieving the various injuries suffered, and the losses experienced after the abuse. Grieving involves being validated for your strengths, your courage, and your wholeness as a person all of which comes from within. When a survivor accepts that it wasn’t their fault. The shame was not theirs to have and compassionately looks back at the child and all that little person’s lost, the healing can really start to take hold. “I can honestly say, after grieving the fullness of what was lost; from the tangible things like relationships, education and a meaningful career to the deeper stuff like poor self esteem, boundary impairment, emotional dysregulation and all that goes with not developing a wholeness of The Self, I’m finally good. I can breathe and say good-by to what was once a very painful past and be open to a future of possibilities.” – Sherry S., Peer Facilitator, The Gatehouse. Recommended Reads
The Gatehouse: Transformation or Adult Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse
The Gatehouse: Transformation for Adult Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse By Stefan Horodeckyj, former group facilitator and former Director at The Gatehouse What is The Gatehouse? The Gatehouse, founded in 1998 by Professor Arthur Lockhart, is a unique community-based centre in Toronto that provides supports, resources, and advocacy on behalf of those impacted by childhood sexual abuse. It offers, among other things, three types of adult peer – support group programs: a phase1 peer- support group program for male survivors, and a phase 1 peer – support group program for female survivors; a co-educational phase 2 peer- support group program and an advanced co-educational phase 3 peer- support group program. The goal of these programs is to provide a forum where survivors can heal from the devastating trauma of childhood sexual abuse. In this article, I will focus on Phase 1, adult peer-support group programs. What is Childhood Sexual Abuse? Childhood sexual abuse “is the misuse of power by someone who is in authority over a child for the purpose of exploiting a child for sexual gratification. It includes incest, sexual molestation, sexual assault, and the exploitation of the child for pornography or prostitution”. (Rogers, 1990) The Gatehouse adult peer-support group program The seven principles of The Gatehouse adult peer-support group program are resilience, self-care, mutuality, encouragement, respect, safety, and responsibility. And, the topics discussed in Phase 1 peer-support group program include: from isolation to belonging; triggers; dissociation; flashbacks to grounding; anger and emotional regulation; addictions and relationship to abuse; the ‘inner child’; loss and grief; positive boundaries; shame and guilt; resiliency and the sacred path; and sexuality. Benefits of The Gatehouse Peer-Support Group Program At The Gatehouse, healing through the Phase 1 peer-support group occurs in three major ways: by addressing the emotional needs of the survivors; by teaching survivors important social skills, relaxation, and self-care coping techniques/tips; and by providing survivors with important information about childhood sexual abuse and support services contacts. The Gatehouse addresses the emotional needs of survivors The survivor has a need to feel empathy from others. Empathy means that other members, including the facilitators, show respect, caring, and compassion for you, as they walk with you on your healing journey. Empathy also comes from feeling safe in the presence of the other group members and by trusting them with your life story and feelings. The survivor has a need for empathic listening from others in the group. This means that others should: give their undivided attention; be non-judgmental; read the speaker (ie: observe the emotions behind the words); and not feel that they should have an immediate reply to questions and comments presented. The survivor has a need to have their “voice” heard. This is paramount since the voice is one of the first things that a child sexually abused is deprived of by the perpetrator. A survivor finding their voice means no more silence, secrecy, shame, and self-blame. This is the power of one’s voice! Finding one’s voice means that the survivor can express their feeling of anger, grief, shame, guilt, fears, and hopes. The survivor has a need to trust others. This is vital since trust is what the survivor had violently breached by the perpetrator, who is often someone they know. The survivor has a need to be connected. This is one of the basic human needs. Healthy connections with others define who we are, and provide us with emotional sustenance. The survivor has a need to feel safe. Peer-support groups that are experienced by participants as being emotionally non-threatening, provide the basis for developing trust and empathy, and a venue where survivors can find their voice. The survivor has a need to connect to the “inner child”. The inner child is the authentic or real self. In order to heal from childhood sexual abuse, the grownup adult must connect with the inner child’s fears, anger, pain, and sadness, and then to provide love and understanding to the inner child. The survivor has a need to feel self-empowered. This can occur when the survivor has positive self-esteem. When survivors realize that they are the best ones to ascertain their own needs and that they are not responsible for, or defined by their childhood sexual abuse, then they can bolster their self-esteem and become more self-empowered. Some survivors have a need to forgive the perpetrator. By doing so, they release negative feelings and energy that can impede their emotional healing. The survivor has a need to feel hope. Hope is achieved by realizing that healing from childhood sexual abuse is possible. Healing is a process that evolves in the group and continues outside of the group setting. The Gatehouse teaches survivors important social skills, relaxation techniques, and self-care coping skills/tips The Gatehouse provides a forum where survivors can learn and practice effective communication skills with other group members. As well, it provides a place where survivors can practice healthy personal boundaries with the other group members. Also, it provides a venue where the survivor can establish and practice respect and empathy for other group members. The Gatehouse teaches relaxation techniques such as grounding and breathing exercises and mindful meditation. Also, The Gatehouse teaches self-care coping skills/tips including ways of dealing with triggers/anger/grief/forgiving and personal boundaries. The Gatehouse provides survivors with important information about childhood sexual abuse and support services contacts Some of the information shared with participants by the facilitators during the group sessions includes stages of recovery; myths and facts about sexual abuse; common symptoms of sexual abuse; the relationship between anger, grieving, shame and guilt, addictions and childhood sexual abuse; suggestions for dealing with one’s sexuality; and instructions and suggestions on how to create a suicide safety plan. The facilitators provide participants with a list of addiction services available and a list of emotional/psychological support services available in the GTA. By way of a summary, the transformative nature of The Gatehouse Phase1, adult peer-support group program is succinctly captured in the testimony of a survivor who completed this program: