Boundaries and Toxic Relationships  By Amy Tai, Community and Justice Services (diploma), Program Assistant  Relationships provide us with the support and encouragement we need to navigate stressful situations, solve problems and overcome obstacles. But what happens when our relationships are actually causing us more stress, problems, and obstacles?   Dr. Lillian Glass defines a toxic relationship as “any relationship (between people who) don’t support each other, where there’s conflict and one seeks to undermine the other, where there’s competition, where there’s disrespect and a lack of cohesiveness (Ducharme, 2018).”   Toxic relationships often lack respect and care for another’s wellbeing. They can exist in almost any context from the workplace, to the playground, to the home and the bedroom. Some signs that you may be in a toxic relationship include:  You feel drained and depleted after spending time with the person.   You feel disrespected or that your needs are not being met.   You feel like you have to walk on eggshells to keep from becoming a target of abuse. (Can be physical, emotional, or psychological)  You are always to blame, even when you know, deep down, it is not your fault.  Setting boundaries is a great way to get back some of that respect and take care of yourself, however, it can be even more difficult to do so within the confines of a toxic relationship.  In simplest forms, boundaries are guidelines you place on yourself/other people to protect yourself from things you are not okay with. They help set the standard for how each person wishes to be treated within that relationship, ensuring each individual’s needs are met.   The first step to setting boundaries in a toxic relationship is to identify your needs and determine what needs to change in order for those needs to be met in this relationship. Those changes will help you create those boundaries. For example, if you have a need for identity as an individual outside of that relationship, you may set a boundary that allows you more time and space to do things on your own.   Unfortunately, simply setting a boundary does not ensure that it will be respected, but we can always control how we respond when our boundaries are crossed or ignored. If you find yourself in a toxic relationship in which your boundaries are not being respected here are some things you can try:  Spend less time with this person, this can be as simple as turning down an invitation or in more extreme cases, can look like physically leaving the relationship.  Choose not to participate in the same arguments. While it can be hard to simply walk away when someone is being disrespectful, it is not always productive to stay and argue when the other person refuses to see what they are doing wrong.   Get support. You do not have to go through this alone. Toxic relationships are super tricky to navigate and it can be hard to look outside and get a fresh perspective on your own. Support can help you to stand firm in your boundaries and work through any feelings of shame to understand that this is not your fault and you don’t deserve to be treated this way. In cases where ending the relationship is necessary, support can be beneficial to healing and moving forward.   References  Ducharme, J. (2018, May 28). How To Tell If You’re In a Toxic Relationship – And What To Do About It. Time. https://time.com/5274206/toxic-relationship-signs-help/ 

June 23, 2022 The Gatehouse has launched The Gatehouse Global Poetry Movement at www.globalpoetrymovement.com   We were inspired by the initiative: Global Poem Initiative-“Dear Vaccine” “By articulating our most complex and emotional experiences in language, we harness the ability to transform a common experience into collective meaning.”  is directly aligned with The Gatehouse Global Poetry Movement initiative. Thank you to all volunteers, students, and staff, who helped bring this initiative to life – Carol, Arthur, Katie, Karen, Jasmine, Sabra, Zada, Jenny, Andrea, Stewart, Paula, Ambaram, Eric, Bernie, and Amy. A special thank you to Opal Gamble, for bringing the final site to life.  Thank you to everyone who has contributed art, voice, and poetry to the site already. Please share the website on your social media pages and with your networks. We are reaching out to people around the planet and inviting their voice, through poetry, to be an integral element of The Gatehouse Global Poetry Movement.  Throughout the twenty-four years of history of The Gatehouse, a primary goal has always been to create processes that allow for people to move from isolation to inclusion and to create a collective meaning-making experience.  “My healing is bound to yours.” Alone no one can escape. Together we live to tell.” Excerpt from Parker Palmer’s Poem: Together We Live To Tell It is our hope that, with your support, this initiative of gathering poetry from around the world, people will no longer feel isolated. That they will feel an authentic connection as their words are linked with the words of other people from around the world. Creating ways that nurture strength, personal and social transformation. In the words of Muriel Rukeyser: “No one wants to read poetry. You have to make it impossible for them to put the poem down–impossible for them to stop reading it, word after word. You have to keep them from closing the book.”  So it is that we are reaching out to you, to make it impossible for people to stop reading, impossible for people to be silenced, and possible to be heard and seen.  The Gatehouse Global Poetry Movement Vision Statement: Lifting and uniting survivors of childhood sexual abuse (CSA) out of isolation into a global healing community where transformation begins with our words. Mission Statement: Empowering survivors of CSA from around the globe, connecting and healing collectively through poetry. Objectives: To invite collaboration from like-minded individuals and agencies/organizations in creating the poetry process. To create a safe and inclusive global community, by acknowledging and fostering transformation from CSA trauma To create a dedicated website for The Gatehouse Global Poetry Movement to become a living archival repository of shared experiences of CSA survivor perseverance, resilience, and HOPE. To have poems from around the world read on various global platforms. To collaborate with people from around the world in generating creative responses to matters of CSA.

Survivors of CSA: Psychopathology, Emotional Regulation, and Disgust Written by: Leah K., Practicum Student, The Gatehouse Childhood sexual abuse (CSA) has the potential to disrupt the emotional development of the child during critical developmental periods, often resulting in adult survivors having difficulty regulating emotions and developing emotional attachments and relationships (Cortois & Ford, 2009; Coyle et al., 2014). Research has highlighted that CSA is a substantial risk for psychopathology, or in other words, mental or behavioral disorders (Molnar et al., 2001).   In examining the relationship between emotions, associations, and traumatic and general distress systems of survivors of CSA, high levels of negative emotions were found (Coyle et al., 2014). Sadness, fear, low levels of happiness, and most notably very high reports of disgust were self-reported by survivors of CSA (Coyle et al., 2014).   Disgust, the feeling of revulsion or strong disapproval, first evolved as a behavioral adaption for disease prevention by avoidance of pathogens in food. Disgust, however, as we know, is not limited to pathogen avoidance in food. A significant elicitor of disgust is illicit and immoral instances of sex and sexuality. The emotion of disgust concerning survivors of CSA have been neglected by academic literature until recently. Within the limited research, it is suggested that disgust may play an important role in suicide and parasuicide (Power & Dalgleish, 2008). The knowledge that survivors of CSA experience high levels of disgust compared to other groups has the potential to help guide healing and therapeutic practices to the needs of survivors of CSA. In recognizing the specific emotions implicated in psychopathology, treatment and therapies can be designed specifically for survivors of CSA.   As discussed, the trauma that survivors of CSA experience often prevent the development of emotion regulation skills. Increased self-reports of negative emotions and under-developed emotional regulation skills suggest that psychological therapies for survivors of CSA ought to incorporate emotion regulation skills alongside addressing emotional change to tackle psychopathology (Coyle et al., 2014).   Emotional regulation refers to the ability to control one’s emotions. This process takes time, and it is important to be patient and kind to yourself. By creating space and allowing yourself to pause, take a breath, and slow down the moment, one can slow down the moment between trigger and response (Klynn, 2021). An important skill is being aware of how you are feeling, and what your physical body is telling you, as this can help explain how you are feeling emotionally. By naming what you are feeling, one is better equipped to share with another individual what they are feeling (Klynn, 2021).        Instead of trying to stop emotions and feelings, it is important to recognize that your feelings are valid and that they will ebb and flow (Klynn, 2021). By engaging in positive self-talk, one can replace negative emotions with positive comments. Many strategies help build emotional regulation skills, some will work better for you than others. It is important to recognize that emotions are part of human nature, that they are valid, that your best is good enough, and that you are not your trauma (Klynn, 2021)  References   Courtois C. A, Ford J. D. (2009). Treating complex traumatic stress disorders: An evidence-based guide New York, NY: Guilford Press  Coyle, E., Karatzias, T., Summers, A., & Mick Power (2014) Emotions and emotion regulation in survivors of childhood sexual abuse: the importance of “disgust” in traumatic stress and psychopathology, European Journal of Psychotraumatology, 5:1, DOI: 10.3402/ejpt.v5.23306  Klynn, B. (2021). Emotional regulation: Skills, exercises, and strategies. BetterUp.    

Dealing with Stress  Written by: Bezaite Fantaye, Placement Student, The Gatehouse  Stress is a normal part of our lives. It impacts a large number of people. Our environment, our bodies, and our thoughts can all cause stress. Even positive life transitions, such as beginning a new career, returning to school, or having a child, can be stressful and also a negative life experience, such as childhood sexual abuse. The majority of individuals link stress with a bad situation. However, whether the stress-related problem is negative or positive, the important thing is how you respond to it.  Stress will have an impact on our lives. If we are unhappy, we begin to see things negatively, and negative ideas are always difficult and stressful. Stress also causes us to become separated from our loved ones, such as family, friends, and coworkers. When we are overwhelmed, we begin to argue or complain in our daily lives. This will have an impact on our social lives. It will be tough for us to communicate effectively with others.  Sometimes, all we can think about is negative experiences in our lives. It is important to pay attention to how our mind influences our reality. As human beings, we may be susceptible to the negativity bias or the ability to not only register negative stimuli, more readily but also to dwell on these events (Cherry, 2020).    We may do the following:  Remember traumatic experiences more readily than positive ones.  Think of times when we were criticized more often than when we were praised for something.  Dwell on negative things more frequently than positive ones (Cherry, 2020).  There are numerous methods for dealing with stress. Our addressing our mindset and how we see ourselves and the world is important. First and foremost, we must calm our minds. When life gets rough, we need to relax and think about the next best strategy.   Some ideas are as follows:   Make a list of your life’s priorities.   Avoid spending too much time around negative people.   Take a walk, get some exercise, and practice yoga.   Make sure you get enough rest.   Problems should be viewed as challenges.   Always have a backup plan.   Go on a picnic, listen to music, or watch a movie  If we do this on a daily basis, it will help us cope with stress, and it is critical for our minds to be calm in order for us to be able to handle situations.  References  Cherry, K. (2020). Negativity Bias. Retrieved from https://www.verywellmind.com/negative-bias-4589618#:~:text=Verywell%20%2F%20Brianna%20Gilmartin-,What%20Is%20the%20Negativity%20Bias%3F,feel%20the%20joy%20of%20praise.      

  Join us for the 24th Annual General Meeting of the Members of The Gatehouse Thursday June 23, 2022 @ 4:30 pm – 5:30 pm   The 2022 membership fee is $10. If you have not yet done so and wish to become a member of The Gatehouse, please pay the membership online here Registration is required to attend AGM Online Register to attend the AGM Here The zoom meeting link will be individually emailed to members in good standing who have paid their 2022 membership fees. Benefits of being an official member of The Gatehouse As a member you will: Receive information about programs and services we offer Attend and vote at the annual general meeting every spring Connect with other persons in the community to procure in-kind services and possible donations Participate in volunteer activities in support of the Gatehouse based on your area of interest and expertise, for example, fundraising initiatives, annual 5k run/walk, house maintenance, painting, landscaping, community awareness, conference planning, program development, and research, social media, photography, film production. Cost: $10 per year   It’s your way to be involved in meaningful activities that address the trauma of childhood sexual abuse! Questions? If you have any questions or need help with launching your zoom app, please email Maria 

CSA Survivors and Grounding  Written by: Victoria Kong, she/her/hers pronouns, (OCD), Diploma for Social Service Worker, Practicum Student, The Gatehouse.    Adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse (CSA) experience long-term effects in areas such as their emotional well-being and mental health. They could often experience emotional distress such as greater anxiety and fear. Long-term effects include depression, anxiety, low esteem, more likely to engage in dissociation, and self-destructive behaviors such as substance abuse and self-harm (Independent Inquiry Child Sexual Abuse, Figure 1: CSA victim and survivor outcome areas with example outcomes).   There are multiple strategies or techniques an individual can engage in to allow a person to cope and manage their emotions and traumatic memories. For CSA survivors, therapeutic grounding techniques are important for managing those overwhelming feelings and flashbacks. This can be achieved by providing distraction utilizing their five senses (Caporuscio, 2020).   These therapeutic grounding techniques using the 5 senses can be (Raypole, 2019):  Putting your hands in water. Focus and pay attention to the temperature of the water and the sensation of the water at different areas of your hand.  Pick up or touch items that around you. For example, do you have a soft blanket? Think about it’s physical attributes such as what are the colors of your blanket.   Breathing techniques require inhaling and exhaling in slow intervals.   Savor food or drinks. Take the time to enjoy your food and beverages. Focus on the texture, the taste, and smell.   Listening to your surroundings. Take the time to slowly listen to the environment around you.   References:  Caporuscio, J. (2020, March 31). Grounding techniques: Step-by-step guide and methods . Medical News Today, https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grounding-techniques).  Independent Inquiry Child Sexual Abuse.  (n.d.). The Impacts of Child Sexual Abuse: A Rapid Evidence Assessment. https://www.iicsa.org.uk/reports-recommendations/publications/research/impacts-csa/research-findings/1-impacts-csa-victims-and-survivors  Raypole, C. (2019, May 24). 30 Grounding Techniques to Quiet Distressing Thoughts. Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/health/grounding-techniques#mental-techniques 

Helping Your Survivor Partner in Their Healing Journey   By: Kristy Webber, Practicum Student, The Gatehouse   Often, survivors of childhood sexual abuse struggle with issues of trust, intimacy, and triggers along with feelings of guilt and shame. If you’re in a relationship with a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, it may be challenging to know how to support them on their healing journey.   Firstly, educating yourself about the impacts of childhood sexual abuse can go a long way in helping to support and understand your partner. Joining a support group with other survivors may help you navigate issues you may experience and learn ways to cope and better support your partner.   Patience and empathy can go a long way. You may feel that your partner would benefit from counselling, support groups, or other resources. However, it is essential that your partner make their own decisions on what they will do to deal with the impacts of the abuse. Your role as a supportive partner is to be just that, supportive. This means supporting whatever avenue your partner feels will benefit their healing journey. Allowing your partner to make their own decisions about their healing journey is empowering. This renewed sense of empowerment and control may encourage your partner to keep going through the difficult patches they may experience along their healing journey.   Finally, take care of yourself. Being in a supportive role may become challenging at times. Taking care of your physical, mental, and emotional health is of utmost importance. Focus on yourself and do activities that nurture these critical areas of your life. Practicing good self-care can improve your mood, reduce anxiety, and help you better support your partner.   When in doubt, reach out to someone you trust! The Gatehouse offers monthly partners-only meetings for support persons/partners of survivors. Check out our website for more information about this helpful resource here. References:  Government of Canada. (2012, July 26). When your partner was sexually abused as a child: A guide for partners. Retrieved from https://www.canada.ca/en/public-health/services/health-promotion/stop-family-violence/prevention-resource-centre/children/partner-sexually-abused-child-guide.html#Why     

Childhood sexual abuse and then dealing with getting Covid19 Written by: Stewart Thompson, Program Assistant & Peer Support Facilitator  When I think of the things I have been through, I believed that my healing journey that I forced myself to take on would be all I needed to stay on track to become a better person. At the time, I was a bloody train wreck out of control with no trust in myself. I was a person who had no boundaries, was angry with immense guilt and shame, and damn, I can’t forget about my self-sabotage. Addictions, you see what I mean, I was a train wreck really. This is only a part of my experience. When I finally did start to deal with my trauma, my life started to change. Being someone who lacked any self-worth really made it hard in the beginning as I had no idea what it felt like to be a positive human being. I looked at others claiming they had this power. I felt lost, therefore making this task quite an unbelievable task to achieve, or so I thought at the start. My failings in the process made it too easy to fall back to addictions and poor habits. I guess the best way to say it is that my bad habits were the only way I knew how to cope with my daily life as a CSA survivor. When I started my healing journey with thegatehouse.org, what helped was being able to be with other survivors and them sharing their experiences. Best examples helping in their struggles along the way just like me, made it feel like I was not alone. This was powerful thinking. Looking back now, I probably didn’t understand the full extent of the profound connection that this experience has given me. Week after week of giving up sometimes and not giving up others. I learned some great tools through these experiences, like coping in the bad days and learning grounding methods such as focusing on the breath and meditation. When these methods did not work anymore, I found new ways to cope that did work. What helped a lot was finally being able to talk about my story, and not just in a book on paper, but in the public, such as colleges and universities. I even started a podcast. All these steps helped me help myself. Moving forward 9 years later, I have fallen really ill.  Hell, I’ve never been this ill before. It’s been a bad cold including a crazy fever, and the fever stayed with me easily for almost two months. It sounds crazy, but it’s true, and the fact I don’t like doctors did not help remedy anything. Those feelings coupled with the lockdown made me more hesitant to want to go to the doctor or to the hospital, falling back to old trust issues. These feelings come from many years ago when I received ECT treatment. From that day forward I lost all trust in the health care system. I got more ill as time moved forward, losing so much weight and now dealing with an eating disorder. This resurfaced other old beliefs from which I thought I sorted out, like my self-worth and feeling that I belonged. I really thought that I was being punished for all the wrongdoings from my past and they were finally catching up with me. These feelings increased, and I believed them more as I got sicker and sicker and as time moved on. I have not gone back to work from being ill for over two years. This has become something totally unimaginable to me, not understanding, asking myself  “why me?” as all I wanted to do was isolate.  I’ve hated myself, not liking the way I was starting to look. It was scary even for me not wanting to look in a mirror. Something had to change. I would go to bed just wanting not to wake up. This was something I never experienced before, so I started to figure out what I needed to do. I had to go back to the ways of coping that I had learned at the Gatehouse and also find some new ways too. A new skill I learned was looking after myself. I was never good at that, though I am learning that now. I began to set boundaries with my work life balance. No more 15 hr days working 7 to 14 days straight never taking time for myself. I was finally making a stand to the ways I was treating myself, and it was time to make real changes for me. I have to give credit to my partner first, and second to the Gatehouse support that I received. Third, I’d like to give credit to myself for finally taking charge of me and applying what I have learned by helping myself. Thank you for reading my journey,  Stewart Thompson