Dissociation and Re-connection Written by: Brandon Miles, Practicum Student, Social Service Worker Program Many survivors of childhood sexual abuse and trauma experience dissociation. When the triggers happen, survivors may dissociate from reality to help them cope. Experiencing dissociation can feel like you are disconnected from your thoughts, feelings, and memories. It can impact your perception of time and it may feel like you are disconnected from the world. Dissociation can happen at any time, and in any place. Remembering traumatic events or times of your life that you don’t wish to remember may trigger a dissociative state. Other indications that you are experiencing dissociation includes feeling as if you are out of your body or you are a different person sometimes, and feelings of being emotionally numb or detached. The symptoms often and usually go away on their own and can be minutes to longer periods of time. Dissociation is often triggered by your fight or flight response. If you are experiencing dissociation, it may be helpful to reach out for some support from a mental health professional, your family healthcare team and or your peer support network. Here are some helpful tips to help reconnect with reality: Learning mindful breathing. When feeling a sense of dissociation, trying to focus on your breathing can help you bring back to the normal self and come back to “reality”. This also helps and sends signals to your body letting you know that you are safe and are alright. There are many different mindful breathing tools available online. A simple one can be to count to four in your mind as you inhale and count to four again as you exhale. Notice how the breath enters your body. Is it cool, warm? Try grounding movement-based activities. For example, Tai Chi or Yoga. Meditation may be helpful, especially guided meditations around topics of gratitude, self-worth, and autonomy. Focusing your mind to feelings of peace and gratefulness helps to shift the attention to feeling grounded. Keep a journal. This could be beneficial as you can right down unhelpful thoughts, identify triggers and ways to manage stressors. Spend time with your pet. An emotional support animal could be extremely beneficial. Having a pet that loves you unconditionally especially when you are feeling dissociative can bring your levels of stress down and can help you focus on being present. Go on nature walks. Being in nature has been scientifically proven to help calm your thoughts, and to help us stay grounded and more connected with the present moment. Dancing, singing, and music can also help us feel connected. Moving and listening to music can help us feel calmer, which in turn can help us be more connected with one’s self. These grounding techniques may help you lessen the frequency of dissociation and refocus to feeling safe in the present moment, build resilience, self-love, and grounding. You have the capacity to find the reconnection that you deserve, reconnecting with your inner child and learning to build your resilience and self-worth in community. YOU are YOU and you cannot be anyone else on this planet. Your past does not define who you are. You are worthy of connection, love and belonging. Recommended Reads:
What is Oppositional Defiant Disorder and How Can I Help my Child with ODD?
What is Oppositional Defiant Disorder and How Can I Help my Child with ODD? A Review of Dr. Gina Antencio-McLean, PsyD Book “Overcoming Oppositional Defiant Disorder: A Two-Part Treatment Plan to Help Parents and Kids Work Together” By: Maria Barcelos, MA, Executive Director The Gatehouse How Can I help My Child when they are diagnosed with Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD)? As a parent, being able to help my children feel safe, manage difficult emotions, adapt to life transitions and build self-confidence, and resilience is of utmost importance to me. Many parents struggle with shame-based thinking of not being good enough in general, and intensified shame at not being a good enough parent. These thoughts are further exacerbated when your child presents with additional needs, such as ODD. Having a child with different needs requires us to do some unlearning of unhelpful behaviours and learning of healthier ways to respond to be better able to support our children. This article is a brief review of Dr. Gina Antencio-McLean’s book “Overcoming Oppositional Defiant Disorder: A Two-Part Treatment Plan to Help Parents and Kids Work Together.” As a parent, I highly recommend this resource for any caregiver who is struggling to find other ways to respond and support their child. Ramke (n.d.) noted that all children can be oppositional or defiant at times. However, what distinguishes ODD from normal oppositional behavior is how severe it is, and how long it has been going on for. A child with ODD will have had extreme behavior issues for at least six months. ODD is usually diagnosed around early elementary school ages. Children with ODD have a well-established pattern of behavioural responses, which can include: Being unusually angry and irritable Frequently losing their temper Being easily annoyed Arguing with authority figures Refusing to follow rules Deliberately annoying people Blaming others for mistakes Being vindictive Dr. Antencio-McLean reminds every parent that children with ODD are not bad kids. They are doing the best they can. Children with ODD may have increased challenges being flexible and adaptable to changes in their environment. This is why you might notice that your ODD child behaves differently at school then they do at home. As a parent, educating yourself on what inspires your child is a critical step in learning valuable life skills. It is important to emulate positive reinforcement for whatever behaviour you are trying to encourage them to change. For example, loading the dishwasher may start with the child taking their plate and placing it on the kitchen counter. Acknowledging them for their help with the dishes is a good start. Many behaviours may be difficult for your child. However, it is important to reinforce for yourself as a parent, that your child is a good kid and has the capacity to learn. They may need more time, positive reinforcement and patience to do so. Opportunities for positively reinforcing favourable behaviours involve recognizing them when they are making small changes. Small changes lead to bigger changes over time. Furthermore, identifying which skills your child needs to help them meet their goals is critical for your child to feel supported, heard and validated. Dr. Antencio-McLean reinforces that children need to learn how to regulate their emotions and how to self-soothe. This is a foundational goal in helping children with ODD to regulate emotional states. Identifying feelings is the first step in the emotional regulation process. We learn to self-soothe from our own parents or other caregivers as children. As survivors of childhood sexual abuse, we may have been further presented with unhelpful modelling behaviours by our parents. For example, not being able to talk about our feelings, being judged or criticized. It is important that we also continue to work on our own responses to trauma to further be able to model healthier responses for our children. Dr. Antencio-McLean reminds us that some children need further help to calm themselves. Children with ODD may be more sensitive and need further support to self-regulate and soothe unhelpful sensations they are experiencing. She highlights behaviour change takes time and practice and that practicing in those times of calm will be most beneficial to helping our children learn to regulate emotions as our brains learn best when we are calm. For example, identifying a feeling and rating its intensity can be quite helpful for you and your child to identify what is happening for them in the moment. Using deep breathing or identifying some items in the home or school environment to help distract them to these items that are safe may help. E.g., How are you feeling? What level of intensity 1 low to 10 high? Let’s shift our focus to something colourful in our home that we like. How many blue things do you notice in the living room? Name one green item that you can see. Another helpful strategy can be to pass an ice cube from hand to hand to refocus on the cold sensation and minimize the emotional intensity. Regular exercise and socialization with friends help them stay present in the moment, which can be helpful for self-regulation. This is not an exhaustive list. Dr. Antencio-McLean noted that not every tool will be applicable to every person. As survivors of childhood sexual abuse, we can be hard on ourselves and further reinforce the “I am not good enough belief” in times of stress. This is an opportune time for us to redirect our attention to the fact that we are trying to help our child (and sometimes at the same time, our own inner child who is struggling with the very difficult emotions of confusion, grief or sadness that our children struggle with). Be kind to yourself and your child. Changing behaviour is not something that happens overnight. It takes time, patience and repetition. As parents, we have firsthand experience and awareness as to what problematic behaviour our child is displaying. Awareness is key to identifying what behaviours are needing change. Take some time to reflect on
Art Show Fundraiser
Excited to share Kingsway-Lambton United Church #artshow For 10 days, from Friday, March 19 to Sunday, March 28, 2021. they will be hosting their annual Art Show Fundraiser. Now online! For more info visit www.kingswaylambton.ca/artshow #showart #artshows #artshow #fundraiserevent #charityfundraiser #artfundraiser #virtualfundraiser #fundraiserfun Proceeds from the event support local charities including The Gatehouse. Thank you to the tireless efforts of the Kingsway Lambton team, who year after year, organize this event to help their local community.
Living Works Start Suicide Prevention Course
Living Works Start Suicide Prevention Introductory 90-Minute Online Course -$30* People and organizations around the world are using LivingWorks Start to learn life-saving skills. Learn life-saving skills anytime, anywhere! In just 90 minutes online, LivingWorks Start teaches trainees to recognize when someone is thinking about suicide and connect them to help and support. During COVID-19, we’re offering LivingWorks Start at a reduced price and donating a portion of the proceeds to relief efforts. Click here to purchase LivingWorks Start. LivingWorks will build your profile in their learning software system, then you can begin your training right away or come back to it when you’re ready. Single License (about $30 CDN) Use the “single license” option when purchasing a license of LivingWorks Start for yourself. You’ll be taken to LivingWorks Connect, their online learning portal, to create an account and then you can begin LivingWorks Start whenever you’re ready! The LivingWorks Start experience LivingWorks Start teaches valuable skills to everyone 13 and older and requires no formal training or prior experience in suicide prevention. When you sign up for LivingWorks Start training, you’ll learn a powerful four-step model to keep someone safe from suicide, and you’ll have a chance to practice it with impactful simulations. Safety resources and support are available throughout the program.
Trust
Trust by: Amy Tai We flex our trust muscles every day, whether we realize it or not. We trust our alarms to wake us up on time, our cars to get us to work, the pilot to land the plane, our hearts to keep beating. Without even thinking twice about it, we trust so many people and things. But at what point do we realize that trust is something that has to be earned? Trust is about so much more than just believing that someone will do what they say they will do. It is about allowing yourself to be emotionally exposed and vulnerable in front of someone. Inviting someone into the deepest, darkest parts of your life, not knowing how they will respond but trusting they will be supportive. Learning to trust, be vulnerable and share with others is courage in action. This is what happens at The Gatehouse. Survivors of childhood sexual abuse, are sometimes for the first time ever, trusting others with their story. Dr. Brené Brown explains trust with the acronym “B.R.A.V.I.N.G”, Brené explains that; Boundaries, Reliability, Accountability, Vault, Integrity, Non-Judgment, and Generosity are critical components of trust. As she continues to explain each word it becomes clear that trust is a two-way street. To trust others, you first have to believe that you are worthy of receiving whatever it is you are trusting the other person to give you; whether it be support, encouragement, or love. In the same way, when we are determining if a person is trustworthy or not, we also need to examine ourselves and ask if we are trustworthy as well. Since trust is earned, it can also be lost. Once our trust is lost or broken, it is hard to learn to trust again. We can easily build up walls, shutting everyone out, and genuinely believe (or trust) that we are protecting ourselves. Dr. Jennice Vilhauer explains that “when our trust is broken it is not just with the other person, but often with ourselves. We not only question what the other person did but how we let the betrayal happen (2016).” When we forgive and try to move forward in building back that broken trust, it is not just something we do for the sake of the other person, but something that is crucial for our own inner peace and wellbeing. Trust is the foundation upon which our relationships are built. When someone betrays your trust, it does not just affect that relationship, but all our relationships. When we try to repair the broken trust, it is important that we give ourselves compassion and forgiveness. While it is easy to feel you are the one to blame for trusting in the first place, what someone chooses to do to you is not a reflection of you, but of them. For this reason, it is important that before anything, you restore trust with yourself before you rebuild trust with someone else. Learning to trust someone for the first time is hard enough, and so, learning to trust someone who has betrayed us before may not even make sense or be safe. By exploring trust and how it has hurt you but also being open to healthy trust in the future can give you the freedom to regain control of other relationships. It takes so much courage, to trust someone, and let ourselves be vulnerable once we have lived through great betrayal. But it opens the doors to so much possibility, potential, and healing. We have to trust in the possibilities of our lives before we can trust someone else to provide us with those opportunities. We have to trust that we have potential before we can trust someone else to help us unlock that potential. We have to trust our own strength before we can trust someone else to show us how strong we are. In every circumstance, whether it be your relationship, your alarm, or the pilot of the plane you are on, trust begins with yourself. You have the choice; you hold the power. Do you trust yourself and embrace your vulnerability – flaws and all? Or do you continue to shelter behind the walls you have built? As Johann Wolfgang von Goethe once said, “As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.” References Vilhauer, J. (2016, September 4). How to rebuild trust with someone who hurt you. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/living-forward/201609/how-rebuild-trust-someone-who-hurt-you
Anxiety and Managing Anxiety
Anxiety and Managing Anxiety by: Jasmine Lem, BSc, Practicum Student Anxiety is a feeling we are all familiar with. Life can be busy and complicated, filled with work, school, family, and so forth, and it can sometimes be overwhelming. Anxiety exists on a continuum of mild to severe and can be experienced through our emotions (i.e. worry or fear), thoughts (i.e. “I’m going to fail this”), and physical symptoms (i.e. racing heart). It is our body’s natural way of responding to stress. It can be felt before writing an exam, during a job interview, and in front of a large crowd. These are all perfectly standard stressful situations to feel anxious in, however, it is important to note that there is a very important distinction between feelings of anxiousness and anxiety disorders. Normal feelings of anxiousness are usually short-lived, happens on occasion, and typically do not result in any meaningful consequences. In fact, normal anxiety can be a good thing, because it is your body’s fight or flight response to a potentially threatening and stressful situation. Anxiety disorders, however, are anxiety symptoms that become uncomfortable to the point where it interferes with your job, with school, with your personal life, and in general, daily life functioning. Anxiety symptoms can arise for no apparent reason, are chronic, and/or occur as intense episodes (Center for Addiction and Mental Health, n.d.). Anxiety disorders can be broken down into categories such as Panic Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, and Social Anxiety Disorder. The different types of anxiety disorders although may be experienced differently, can all be characterized by irrational and excessive fear, apprehensive and tense feelings, and difficulty managing daily tasks (CAMH, n.d). Signs and symptoms include anxious thoughts (i.e. I feel like I am going crazy), predictions (i.e. I will blank out during my presentation), beliefs (i.e. I am weak because I am anxious), avoidance behaviours, and excessive physical reactions (i.e. racing heart, sweating, shortness of breath). Causes and risks factors for anxiety disorders include traumatic events, childhood development issues, and family history for anxiety. In Canada, anxiety disorders affect approximately 5% of household populations, causing mild to severe impairments (Canadian Mental Health, 2019). Nonetheless, whether you experience fleeting symptoms of anxiety or are diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, there are many ways you can manage anxiety to encourage positive wellbeing. This is of course, aside from professional treatments and interventions for diagnosed anxiety disorders. There are many techniques and skills that you can employ in your everyday routine or when your anxiety flares up that can help you manage and cope with anxious feelings. However, firstly, awareness is key. It is important to self-reflect and understands what your triggers are, why they are, and how anxiety presents itself for you as thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. Further, to be aware of and learn different coping strategies that work for you based on your needs. This allows you to proactively anticipate feelings of anxiety and engage your toolbox of skills and techniques to better help you manage them. As mentioned, there are many techniques and coping skills you can use to manage anxiety. They include grounding techniques, and cognitive and mindfulness activities. Below are some techniques you can use. It is also important to note that not every technique or skill works for everyone and for all the time. You may need to engage in a lot of self-reflection and trial and error to see what works best for you. We are also constantly changing, and what works for us one day may not work the next. Before starting and while executing any of these activities, focus on your breathing and take a couple of deep breaths. This allows your body to relax and encourages your mind to focus on the present moment. Grounding Techniques and Mindfulness Activities: The act of grounding is to bring yourself to the present and focus on your physical body or surroundings, instead of the thoughts that are causing you to feel overwhelmed and anxious. One grounding exercise is the 54321 activity. This activity encourages you to engage your senses by acknowledging 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. Another activity is holding and focusing on an object and making as many observations as you can of it. Other activities include planting both feet on the ground and focusing on how it feels, and savoring a favourite scent, whether through a candle or perfume bottle. You can also engage in mindfulness activities by doing yoga, meditation, and deep breathing exercises. There are plenty of resources available to you for free, if you have access to the internet, that you can use to follow guided meditation pieces, yoga videos, and deep breathing exercises. There are also wellbeing apps you can use that provide different kinds of mindfulness activities on the go. Journaling: Journaling helps you to label and put into words your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. You can start a gratitude journal by writing about 3 things you are grateful for every night. You can also journal affirmations you can say to yourself during the day, such as “I am enough” or “I am safe, and I am loved”. Additionally, you can start a thought journal, tracking negative and positive thoughts you experienced through the day, identifying what happened and why you think you felt that way, and reframing any negative self-thoughts to positive ones. Physical Activity: Physical activity can help ease anxiety because it releases feel-good endorphins. It also comes with many psychological benefits, such as increasing confidence. Consider adding a daily exercise routine to your schedule or go for daily walks. Self-Care: It is important to engage in self-care as often as you can. Life can get overwhelming with all the responsibilities you have, and it can be very easy to forget to take care of yourself. Try to carve some time out for yourself by
New Year’s Resolutions: Yea or Nay?
New Year’s Resolutions: Yea or Nay By: Maria Barcelos, MA, Executive Director, Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying) | January 24, 2021 Setting New Year’s resolutions isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. It can feel overwhelming for some and motivating for others. If they motivate you and you find them helpful to keep committed and achieve your goals throughout the year, great! If not, don’t worry! Carrying out meaningful actions each month, week or day can help you achieve your goals too. What are your life goals? What kind of life do you want to live? What are some actions you can take right now to start achieving them? How can you take your life goal and break it down into smaller components over the year? Our mindset influences how we view the world, and how we view ourselves. Trauma skews that view and takes us off our course. There is hope, and transformation is possible. Often transformation starts in conversations with others. I am grateful to my colleague Brad Hutchinson, who shared the following statement with me over six years ago now, “What you focus on expands for you.” I’m not sure if Brad knows just how impactful those words were for me. Thanks, Brad! What I was focusing on at the time, was taking me off my course to achieving a University education, writing articles such as this one, and being a more present parent to my two children. The state of stuckness I was experiencing was rooted in fear, anxiety and inner unhelpful thoughts of “You’re not perfect” or “You’re going to fail” or “It’s too late for you to do that.” Bring on the helpful beliefs! (that curiously are sometimes in direct competition with the ones I mentioned above). Helpful beliefs are core underlying beliefs that you hold about yourself. I am worthy; I am a good person were two of mine that helped me move forward with some of my BIG life goals. What are some of the helpful beliefs, and thoughts that you have that keep you focused on your healing journey? These are your guiding beliefs. As survivors, sometimes, our minds shift to unhelpful thoughts, rooted in shame, fear, and despair. You are not alone. There is hope and you can shift how you think about yourself and your experiences. Here are some tips for setting SMART [Specific. Measurable. Achievable. Relevant. Timely] goals and some of the strategies that have been helpful to keep me on the path of the life I want to live; the one filled with possibility, health, and happiness. This is not an exhaustive list. What other strategies have you tried that worked for you? #1 Write them down – Writing your goals, including the steps you’re taking to achieve them, what potential obstacles you may encounter and how you plan to work through those, can help you stay on track! A vision board is also a great idea to visualize your goals! There are so many great examples online! #2 Reward yourself with things that matter to you when accomplishing small or big goals! You deserve it. Celebrate. Personally, I love audiobooks on Audible! Remember, proactive rewards that won’t hinder your goals. #3 Check-in and adjust – Sometimes priorities change, so do goals! Journalling helps me stay focused and accountable. How do you know it’s time to adjust your goal? Leave a comment on our social media pages! #4 Engage in meaningful actions towards your goals. If you are spending time distracting yourself with other activities, how can you shift your focus back to your goals? What is meaningful to you? Who can you ask for support? #5 Timing is important. When do you want to achieve your goal? Keep your timeline realistic. If you need a month to get it done, don’t plan for a deadline tomorrow! #6 Visualize yourself achieving the goal. Deadlines keep me focused. Visualization helps me stay motivated. Does it work for you? # 7 Stay the course by setting aside time to work on your goals daily, weekly, monthly! Seek support if you get “stuck.” I’m grateful to my awesome team for their support. Who’s on your team? #8 Steer clear of unattainable goals. This may be self-sabotaging behaviour in action. Think about how and when you can achieve the goal. if it feels overwhelming, adjust the goal, seek support, and plan a new course. You can do this! When we focus on what we have, we focus on what matters. What you focus on, expands for you!
Andrea: To Heal Is Truth & Peace
Andrea: To Heal Is Truth & Peace By Andrea Robin Skinner ***Trigger warning*** The sexual abuse of a child is a rape of the mind, in which any fledgling tools for healing are stolen. Without intervention, deep shame fills up the child’s life, and continues into adulthood. This is my story… I was nine years old when my stepfather climbed into my bed and sexually assaulted me. My mother was away, and I’d asked if I could sleep in the spare bed near him. To understand how young nine is, I had only just realized I couldn’t grow up to be a sheep herding dog, a great disappointment, as I loved dogs and sheep. The next morning, I couldn’t get out of bed. I’d woken up with my first migraine, which developed into a chronic, debilitating condition that continues to this day. Later that summer, on the way to the airport where I was flying home to my father and stepmother, my stepfather asked me to play a game called “Show me.” I said no, so he made me tell him about my “sex life”–the usual innocent explorations with other children–and he told me about his sex life. Back at my father’s house, I told my stepmother what had happened. She told my father, and he decided to say nothing to my mother. I was terrified she would blame me anyway, as she seemed jealous of the attention I got. I continued to go back to my stepfather’s home every summer for the next several years. When I was alone with my stepfather, he would make lewd jokes, expose himself during car rides, tell me about the little girls in the neighborhood he liked, and describe my mother’s sexual needs. When I was 11, former friends of my stepfather told my mother he’d exposed himself to their 14-year-old daughter. He denied it and when my mother asked about me, he made a “joke” that I was “not his type” (I learned this much later.) In front of my mother, he told me that many cultures in the past weren’t as “prudish” as ours, and it used to be considered normal for children to learn about sex by engaging in sex with adults. By the time I was a teenager, I was at war with myself, suffering from bulimia, insomnia and migraines. By the age of 25, I was so sick and empty, I couldn’t properly start my adult life. Realizing I would never heal if I couldn’t tell the truth, I wrote a letter to my mother, and told her everything, explaining that I didn’t want to hurt anybody, but just needed to connect with her. Things got worse after that. My mother reacted as if she had learned of an infidelity. I had a sense that she was working hard to forgive me. Meanwhile, my stepfather wrote letters to my family describing my nine-year-old self as a “homewrecker,” and noted that my family’s lack of intervention suggested they agreed with him. He also threatened retribution: “Andrea invaded my bedroom for sexual adventure… for Andrea to say she was ‘scared’ is simply a lie… Andrea has brought ruin to two people who love each other… If the worst comes to worst I intend to go public. I will make available for publication a number of photographs, notably some taken at my cabin near Ottawa which are extremely eloquent, one taken in Australia with Andrea posing as a Lolita-like character in a crib, one of Andrea in my underwear shorts…” Again, there was no evidence of outrage from my family, no gathering around me to help or heal me. My mother stayed with my stepfather, and my father continued to have lunches with her, never mentioning me (I asked my father about these lunches before he died. With regret, he told me I just didn’t “come up” in conversation.) My siblings and parents carried on with their busy lives. I was left alone with this thing, this ugliness. Me. But I was learning through therapy that healing is real, wants to happen, is happening all the time. I was beginning to understand that it wasn’t my fault. I got married, had children, and poured myself into making my children’s lives magical and safe, and into growing their confident, exploring, adventurous selves. Meanwhile, I distanced myself from my family of origin. A turning point came when I read an interview with my mother, Alice Munro, in The New York Times, in which she described my stepfather as a gallant figure in her life. For three weeks I was too sick to move, and hardly left my bed. I had long felt inconsequential to my mother, but now she seemed to be erasing me. I wanted to speak out for the truth. I went to the police and told them of my “historical” abuse, and showed them my stepfather’s letters. They pressed charges. I’d had to confront my shame (and other people’s), which was telling me I was being vindictive, destructive, cruel. For so long I’d been telling myself that holding my pain alone had at least helped other family members in important ways, and that the greatest good for the greatest number was, after all, the greatest good. Now, I was claiming my right to a full life, taking the burden of abuse and handing it back to my stepfather. Was I worth it? Was I even capable of a “full life”? How could I knowingly make any other human suffer only to maybe feel better? I answered these questions by imagining one of my children in this situation. Wow, that was easy. I was able to go ahead with it. My stepfather was convicted of sexual assault, and got two years’ probation. I was satisfied. I hadn’t wanted to punish him, and I believed he was too old to hurt anyone else. What I wanted was some record of the truth, in a context that asserted I had not deserved
The Transformational Power of Grit
The Transformational Power of Grit by Sherry Slejska | January 9. 2021 “Dedicated to the wonderful women & John in my peer support group!” Few words can describe the character of someone who survives great hardship and then embarks on a transformational journey of personal discovery. Perhaps grit might be one of those words. We make heroes of the famed professional athletes pursuing their own story of greatness. We find powerful inspiration in their blood, sweat, tears, and triumph. We cheer from the sidelines for the underdog in a dog eat dog arena. In fact, if you were to place a wager, it would be the underdog who has the greatest payout. They learn more, do more, work harder, become more resilient and embrace self compassion when they fall short. And when they fail, they get back up and try again. It’s the metamorphosis of the wounded, disabled, persecuted, victimized, and disadvantaged that inspires radical change for others. These are the places grit is born and grows and becomes infectious. Michael Jordan was cut from his highschool basketball team; he went on to become one of the NBA’s all-time best athletes. Bethany Hamilton lost her arm to a shark attack; with one arm, she became a pro surfer. Micheal Phelps suffered from ADHD and has 8 Olympic gold medals to his credit for swimming. Kieran Behan lived through life-threatening cancer and a severe brain injury; he qualified for the 2012 Olympic games in London.1 These athletes are legendary because of the grit they demonstrated to persevere through their pain, fears and adversity. The world draws on their stories to find inspiration and hope. What about Adela who lost her right leg to cancer when she was only 10 years old? She is now a nurse in Toronto and helps others journey through cancer treatment. Arden came to Canada as a refugee when he was 12. He had seen atrocities beyond words and experienced homelessness and hunger. He embraced every opportunity to integrate into his new country; overcoming cultural, language, and financial barriers. He presently works as a software engineer and has a wife, two children, and a home in Mississauga, Ontario. Nadia would sleep in her closet to hide from her abuser. She fled to the streets and became a heroin addict to numb the pain from her past. To pay for her addiction she prostituted herself. Today, she is clean. She works as an addiction counselor helping others confront their pain and be released from their addictions. These are inspiring stories but let’s face it, we rarely hear the word, grit, used to describe seemingly average people who have faced extraordinary adversity. It’s when Stuart wakes up each day and gets out of bed as depression weighs down on him and he feels like he’d rather die. It’s when Nguyen had the courage to walk away from an abusive relationship. It’s when Marco rejects the negative stories his head tells him which are untrue. It’s when Mela consciously pauses, allowing powerful emotions to pass through her before responding. It’s when I resist the intense desire to overreact and accept that my brain sometimes malfunctions as a result of a traumatic past. It’s when we turn inward to confront feelings like guilt and shame; releasing them and finding a lightness and freedom for the first time ever. These are the places grit resides. “Some say you need to stand on top of the world to accomplish greatness when really you just need to stand on top of your own fears.” - Ray Slejska It’s our own courageous human struggles as we face fears and take on challenging emotional and physical pain that can help us find our grit and become a beacon of inspiration for others. Grit is defined as the firmness of mind or spirit: unyielding courage in the face of hardship or danger.2 Angela Duckworth, psychologist and author of, Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance explains that grit is a mental toughness that helps you persevere even in the face of obstacles.3 When we face our hardships and not deny or run from them, we nurture our own mental toughness and grit. Our failures and imperfections provide rich knowledge and wisdom to support the development of courage, conscientiousness, perseverance, resilience, and passion; the essential ingredients of grit. “Success is not final, failure is not fatal, it is the courage to continue that counts.” (Winston Churchill) “Grit is passion and perseverance for long-term goals,” says Duckworth. Imagine what it might be like to embrace this next quote? “Grit is sticking with your future, day in, day out, not just for the week, not just for the month, but for years, and working really hard to make that future a reality.”4 It allows you and your circumstances to be less than ideal right now. It opens up the idea that your present challenge is part of this gritty journey that you are on, but not all of it. Now, are you starting to see the transformational power of grit? _____________________________________________________________________________________ 1 Locke, R. (2015, May 18). The Stories Of These 5 Athletes Will Motivate Everyone Of You. Retrieved January 08, 2021, from https://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/the-stories-these-5-athletes-will-motivate-everyone-you.html 2 Grit. (n.d.). Retrieved January 08, 2021, from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/grit 3 Duckworth, A. (2016). Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance. Toronto, Ontario, Canada. Harper Collins Publishers. Ltd. 4 Duckworth, A. (2016). Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance. Toronto, Ontario, Canada. Harper Collins Publishers. Ltd.
Self-Sabotage: A Survivor’s Shame in Practice
Self-Sabotage Written by Maria Barcelos, Executive Director, MA, RP (Qualifying) What is it? What does it look like? Just ask any survivor of childhood sexual abuse. We have all done it at one point or another. Good news, we can undo it. We do have capacity to stop ourselves when we deliberately are thinking or doing things to self-sabotage. I recently read an article written by Nick Wignall – clinical psychologist, writer, teacher, and podcaster where he defined self-sabotage as “when you undermine your own goals and values.” For survivors of childhood sexual abuse, often decades go by before we have found our voice to define what beliefs we have about ourselves that formed these values and inform our goals. Most of us carry insurmountable levels of shame, guilt and fear of rejection. Most of us “know” what we can do to live a better life. Yet, the ugliness of shame makes its way into our minds, feelings and behaviours to keep the self-sabotage, the shame in practice. Who do you think you are to be doing this? If you tell someone, they will not accept you as you are. You are too (fill in the blank) to do this. Sometimes, we don’t even realize we are self-sabotaging in the moment that it is taking place. Wignall calls this unconscious self-sabotage. What are some of the ways you’re self-sabotaging? Common examples include procrastination; putting activities off to the last possible second. Do you think you deserve to be stressed out or not worthy of being successful? Fear of success is something I have heard many survivors tell me they experience. Fear of intimacy or rejecting help when you know you need it most. How about rejecting a possible friendship because the person cares about you or walking away from a loving relationship because you didn’t feel deserving of love. Wignall highlights 5 steps to help develop healthier actions to diminish self-sabotaging behaviours. Understand the purpose does self-sabotage serves in your life. Recognize different healthy behaviors that fill the need identified above Plan for obstacles in case your one of your healthy behaviours cannot be met in the original way planned. Improve your acceptance for uncomfortable emotions Clarify your values Remember, you are not alone in your struggles with self-sabotage. You are strong, worthy and capable of living your best life. Check out an extended discussion on what is self-sabotage, thoughts, feelings and behaviours depicting examples of it. Click link below.