How to be an Ally to the LGBTQ+ Community Written By: Maria Barcelos, MA, Executive Director & Ian Kelly, Peer Support Facilitator LGBTQ+ Community Member This June, we stand in solidarity with the LGBTQ+ community and ask our members to also be allies. Being an ally takes many forms, including standing up to prejudice against the LGBTQ+ community, advocating for LGBTQ+ rights and access to services, showing pride support by sharing events and information about LGBTQ+, listening with empathy and non-judgment (Youth Engaged 4 Change, 2021). Many LGBTQ+ survivors of childhood sexual abuse face additional barriers to disclosing their trauma history. From encountering additional prejudice and judgment because of LGBTQ+ myths surrounding sexuality, gender expression, and CSA trauma to not finding safe and inclusive spaces to share their story to facing disparaging comments or outright biased criticism via online platforms. As allies, we believe that all people, regardless of gender identity and sexual orientation, should be treated with dignity and respect (GLADD, 2021). Our gratitude to all our LGBTQ+ members and facilitators that help other survivors find their voice. Special thanks to Ian Kelly, Facilitator and LGBTQ+ community member who has been a long-time facilitator, advocate, and supporter of The Gatehouse. Most recently, Ian was awarded a 2021 Victims Services Award of Distinction for his dedication and commitment to helping survivors of trauma heal in the community. Becoming an Ally to someone who is a part of the LGBTQ2S+ community is all or nothing. If you want to create a space for them, where they feel they can be fully honest and open, it’s important to be aware that saying even one thing wrong can make them feel unsafe instantly. With this in mind, and knowing that none of us are perfect, one of the most important first steps to becoming an Ally is to start out by being open to hearing when you have made an error. We all have blind spots and can display microaggressions. Opportunities that allow us to apologize and learn, go a long way to creating a feeling of safety. If you use an incorrect pronoun or blurt out a microaggression, be open to hearing about it. And use this, not only to be able to apologize but also to learn and to use your capacity for empathy. Ask questions. “How does it feel for you when someone mis-genders you?” “Do you hear these things a lot?” “Are there kinds of discrimination you experience that hurt more than others?” Listening to someone goes a long way to validate their feelings and their experience. So, start out by simply saying, “I might screw up, please let me know if I do and let’s talk.” An important foundation to being an Ally is to know that it is not important to understand everything that person is experiencing and feeling. And it is no one’s job to help you understand and therefore explain everything to you. It is only important that you accept the person, their feelings, and the experiences that they have had. It is a heavy burden for someone to feel they need to explain themselves. With that feeling of acceptance, conversations may happen, and they might feel safe enough to give you more information. Realize that many people who are in the community have experienced trauma. This trauma can come in many forms like bullying, physical assault, as well as sexual abuse. One of the effects of trauma is that we tend to build walls around ourselves, and those walls can present in many ways. Remember this always and practice patience. Those walls are there to protect that person and being invited behind them doesn’t happen easily. You are asking someone to be vulnerable, so please remember to lead by example. Be willing to be vulnerable yourself, about your own feelings and experiences. This is imperative if you want to create a safe space. And lastly, as in all relationships that we have, always use your empathy. Remember to feel it and convey it. You do not need to know what it’s like to be trans or gay, we all have experiences of feeling sad, or alone, or like an outsider. When speaking to someone in the LGBTQ2S+ community, hear their words as well as their feelings. Always let them know you are feeling empathy by responding with something that tells them. “That sucks”, “That sounds hard”, or “That takes great strength” are all ways we can let others know that we are feeling empathy. It takes effort to become a true Ally but know your life will be richer for knowing such diverse and incredible people. Check out Pride TO for more information about upcoming Pride events https://www.pridetoronto.com/ Sources GLADD. (2021). 10 Ways to be an ally & a friend. Retrieved from https://www.glaad.org/resources/ally/2 Youth Engaged 4 Change. (2021). Being an ally to LGBT people. Retrieved from https://engage.youth.gov/resources/being-ally-lgbt-people
Debunking Childhood Sexual Abuse Myths & LGBTQ+ Community
Debunking Childhood Sexual Abuse Myths & LGBTQ+ Community By: Maria Barcelos, MA, Executive Director & Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying) There are many myths surrounding childhood sexual abuse, including myths involving gender expression, sexual orientation, and potential offending behaviours. It is important to note that myths about CSA trauma further perpetuate survivors’ silence, shame, and guilt. Myths have the power to silence and further re-victimize survivors of childhood sexual abuse. It is imperative that as a healing community, we debunk myths by educating the public on the facts and truth regarding CSA survivors from many different communities, cultures, and faiths, including the LGBTQ+ community. The myths contained in this article are not an exhaustive list of myths pertaining to the LGBTQ+ community. As an LGBTQ+ ally, it is important to educate yourself on the various experiences of LGBTQ+ survivors. A more comprehensive list is included in both sources for this article. MYTH # 1: Gay men molest children at far higher rates than heterosexuals. FACT: According to the American Psychological Association, children are not more likely to be molested by LGBT parents or their LGBT friends or acquaintances. Gregory Herek, a professor at the University of California, Davis, who is one of the nation’s leading researchers on prejudice against sexual minorities, reviewed a series of studies and found no evidence that gay men molest children at higher rates than heterosexual men (Southern Poverty Law Center, 2021). MYTH # 2: Same-sex parents harm children. FACT: No legitimate research has demonstrated that same-sex couples are any more or any less harmful to children than heterosexual couples. MYTH# 3: Being raised by gay parents will cause kids to be gay. FACT: People do not choose who they are attracted to. Likewise, no one else can dictate our attractions—not even our parents. We certainly learn things about sexuality and relationships from observing our parents and other couples in society, but our own sexuality isn’t something we learned or have much if any, control over. Not much is known about why people are gay or not, but children’s sexual orientation is not determined by the sexuality of their parents. In fact, most gay people were raised by straight parents, and many children of gay parents grow up to be straight (Adoptions From The Heart, 2019). MYTH # 4: People become homosexual because they were sexually abused as children or there was a deficiency in sex-role modeling by their parents. FACT: No scientifically sound study has definitively linked sexual orientation or identity with parental role-modeling or childhood sexual abuse (Southern Poverty Law Center, 2021). The American Psychiatric Association noted in a 2000 fact sheet available on the Association of Gay and Lesbian Psychiatrists, that dealing with gay, lesbian, and bisexual issues, that sexual abuse does not appear to be any more prevalent among children who grow up and identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual than in children who grow up and identify as heterosexual (Southern Poverty Law Center, 2021). Sources Adoptions From The Heart. (2019). Debunking myths about LGBTQ parents. Retrieved from https://afth.org/debunking-myths-about-lgbtq-parents/ The Southern Poverty Law Center. (2021). 10 Anti-Gay myths debunked. Retrieved from https://www.splcenter.org/fighting-hate/intelligence-report/2011/10-anti-gay-myths-debunked
Partners & Support Persons of Survivors and the Healing Journey
Partners & Support Persons of Survivors and the Healing Journey The trauma of childhood sexual assault and child abuse, including the feelings of guilt, shame, fear, or anger that ensue are often brought into relationships, intimate and otherwise by survivors. For many survivors, childhood trauma is not something that is discussed until decades later. These experiences may leave the partners at a loss for how to help their survivor partner through their healing journey when they do disclose their story to them. Childhood sexual abuse trauma and other forms of child abuse have devastating impacts on various areas of our life. The behaviours and scenarios mentioned in this article are not meant to be an exhaustive list. Commonly areas such as trust, intimacy, control, safety, sexual boundaries, and sexual functioning may be affected. For survivors of childhood sexual abuse, a relationship may have periods of calm and happiness, where the survivor seems to be coping well and healing, however, these periods may quickly shift in opposite directions where the survivor may feel like they are just hanging on, and they may feel like trust and safety are lessening (Opening the Circle, 2021). If you are a partner of a survivor, you may have already noticed that survivors demonstrate avoidance and sometimes outright denial towards sharing their authentic thoughts and feelings with you. You may have already experienced survivors feeling triggered or even at times emotionally detached during various experiences including intimacy or other settings like family gatherings, especially when the offender or those that protected the offender may be present. For those with partners who suffered emotional abuse or neglect by their parents, these triggers may also be present, and the flight response may become activated in your survivor partner. Furthermore, survivors may also experience periods of anger. Through The Gatehouse programs, anger is explored as a secondary emotion, often concealing shame, guilt, fear, and other emotions that are not being talked about openly in the relationship. Moreover, survivors may demonstrate a range of emotions including being frozen or shut down, powerless, numb, or timid. They may avoid sexual situations and get trapped in a psychological aversion to intimacy which prevents them from working on the issues proactively. At the opposite end of the continuum, the survivor may instead seek out sex compulsively, and exhibit promiscuous behavior. Both are normal responses to the abuse that they have experienced (Opening the Circle, 2021). There is hope and healing is possible. Through proactive and supportive discussions, partners and survivors can relearn healthier ways to communicate and relate to one another. This process of sharing ourselves with others takes courage and the will to face our fears of being seen, being truly seen as human beings. Often survivors are faced with the fear that if their partner knows about their past, they will leave them or not accept them. Courage is a necessary element for one to stay on the newly formed path to one’s healing. Once the survivor and partner begin to explore the story and its impact on the relationship, the dynamics in the relationship shift. The old way of relating to one another is no longer possible. Courage is born our will to explore and appreciate our strengths and vulnerabilities. Courage initiates and supports our move away from a state of withholding. Withholding is simply a form of fear, which ties up our energies or converts unusable transformational energy into unusable constraining, confining energy. In essence, we become stuck. Courage allows us to move away from the withholding experience because I am free to express our fears and vulnerabilities. This is when we are at our strongest when we can voice our fears and vulnerabilities. – Arthur Lockhart, Founder, The Gatehouse This willingness to explore what is surfacing for each of us is something that is done by both partner and survivor. It is about recognizing each one’s capacity and willingness to talk about what we are experiencing in the relationship, learning new ways of relating to one another, and committing to continued behaviour change in responding to situations involving triggers, conflict, uncertainty, or fear. Most often, fear is a common emotion that both partners and survivors are experiencing as they start the process of open dialogue with one another. Here are some questions to consider when exploring fear. Reflect on a time when you were afraid to take the initiative on something, or stopped, froze, and refused to continue with an activity. Write about the following: What was the activity? What happened to your body? What happened to your voice? What happened to your thought process? References Opening the Circle. (2021). For partners of survivors of sexual abuse. Retrieved from http://www.openingthecircle.ca/defining-abuse/for-partners-of-survivors-of-sexual-abuse
Letting go of your past – Moving Beyond Childhood Sexual Abuse Trauma
Letting go of your past – Moving Beyond Childhood Sexual Abuse Trauma By: Maria Barcelos, MA, Executive Director, The Gatehouse & Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying) It happened. Childhood sexual abuse does not define who I am as a person. This is a realization that took me decades to accept. I often thought that if someone knew, they would not want to be my friend, or they would look at me differently. I am not alone in this. I know this because, in the 10 years of working at The Gatehouse, I have heard these “me too” responses to this very experience from hundreds of survivors. Why is it that many survivors feel like it does? It’s shame talking. The shame of carrying the story of the abuse. The shame of feeling unworthy because of it. The shame of the abuse is not mine to hold. What would it look like to let go of that shame? For me, it was accepting that it was not my fault and that I am more than my abuse. Survivors of childhood sexual abuse often spend years minimizing the events or dismissing them by pretending it did not happen or by surrendering to feelings of guilt or self-blame. It was not my fault. I will write this again; it was not my fault. It was not your fault. Accepting this reality for some survivors is difficult, as the self-blame has kept them in survival, has kept them alive. The self-blame no longer serves us. This is sometimes expressed in the inner child work that is done at The Gatehouse phase 1 program. Sometimes survivors may experience anger and indifference to their inner child. Healing is not linear. There is no set process that says, if you do this and that, you will be able to let go of the hurt you feel. It is your journey and you are not alone in it. An unhealed past often manifests itself in the present in unhelpful ways. This often happens when survivors do not acknowledge the impact of the abuse, the many losses they have experienced after the abuse. Some survivors may think that they are totally healed. The old behaviours that helped us survive are often no longer serving us in the present moment. Think about what this looks like for you. What are you still doing that you know is hurting or hold you back from living your best life? What are some other habits that you want to develop that will help you stop self-sabotaging your healing journey? These are difficult questions because they invite us to explore some of the most shameful aspects of our daily life experiences. The answers you write today to these may change over time and that is OK. You are not alone. Seeking support on the healing journey is important to rebuilding trust and a sense of safety. I have heard so many stories from survivors about how they told someone, and they did not feel supported or were shut down shortly after because the receiver was uncomfortable, and the survivor then became the comforter. Dr. Brene Brown’s words come to mind often in these examples, “people have to earn the right to hear your story.” Who do you trust with your story? Healing from CSA trauma takes time, patience, and self-love. There is no set timeline or perfect therapy or program that is going to “fix you.” You do not need to be fixed because you are not broken. You are worthy of love and belonging. You are a human being that was harmed. The abuse happened to you. It does not define who you are as a human being. The Gatehouse provides peer support groups for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. To schedule a confidential intake meeting, contact Stephanie@thegatehouse.org
Statement from Sabra Desai, Board Chair, on the discovery of 215 Indigenous children’s remains found at a former residential school on Tk’emlúps te Secwépemc First Nation in Kamloops, British Columbia
Statement from Sabra Desai, Chair of The Gatehouse, on the discovery of 215 Indigenous children being found at a former residential school on Tk’emlúps te Secwépemc First Nation in Kamloops, British Columbia, at the Kamloops Indian Residential school. On behalf of The Gatehouse its community of staff, volunteers, service users and donors, I want to express that we are appalled and deeply saddened to learn of the discovery of human remains of 215 Indigenous children at the Kamloops Indian Residential School. We share in the anger, disgust and grief felt by The Gatehouse Indigenous service users and volunteers and pledge to lend our support to all of our community members as we navigate the trauma and loss from this horrific, ghastly discovery and its intergenerational impact. This discovery of an unmarked gravesite for innocent Indigenous children removed from their parents as well as cultural communities died in the custody of public government sanctioned agents is a repulsive reminder of the violence of settler colonialism. This is Canada’s history and it underscores the urgent need for reconciliation and committing ourselves as a country and a people to stop the ongoing dispossession and violence of Indigenous Peoples since to this day dozens of Indigenous communities still do not have access to clean safe drinking water and Indigenous children are still dying in the care of Canada’s child welfare system. The Gatehouse community which is dedicated to social justice and healing through community connectivity pledges to be unwavering in our commitment to Indigenous communities across this vast country, Canada, in furthering reconciliation through our work. Resources: National Indian Residential School 24- hour Crisis Line for emotional and crisis referral: 1-866-925-4419 Indian Residential School Survivors Society Truth and Reconciliation Commission of Canada: Calls to Action United Nations Declaration on the Rights of Indigenous Peoples Sabra Desai MSW; RSW. Chair of The Gatehouse Board of Directors. 29 May, 2021.
Annual General Meeting – Thurs. June 24 at 4pm-5:30pm EST on Zoom
Good day, The Gatehouse Annual General Meeting will be taking place on Thursday, June 24th from 4 pm – 5:30 pm EST via Zoom online meetings. In order to vote at the AGM, your membership fee for 2021 must be paid. Register to confirm your attendance here Agenda: Providing an overview of 2020 activities Review and approval of financials Voting-in of Board members. Musical performance by Daniella Zarubica at this year’s event. Membership Cost: Membership is $10 per year. If you have not yet paid your membership fee for 2021, please go to http://thegatehouse.org/become-a-member/ to pay online using a credit card or PayPal. Once your membership fee is paid and confirmed you will receive a Zoom link to the AGM meeting. Benefits of being an official member of The Gatehouse As a member you will: Receive information about programs and services we offer Attend and vote at the annual general meeting every spring Connect with other persons in the community to procure in-kind services and possible donations Participate in volunteer activities in support of the Gatehouse based on your area of interest and expertise, for example fundraising initiatives, annual 5k run/walk, house maintenance, painting, landscaping, community awareness, conference planning, program development and research, social media, photography, film production. It’s your way to be involved in meaningful activities that address the trauma of childhood sexual abuse!
Impact of Childhood Sexual Abuse
Impact of Childhood Sexual Abuse on Survivors’ Sexual Behaviours. Psychological Functioning & Cognitive Development Excerpts from a research report written By: Camila Ruiz Tacha, Previous Placement Student, The Gatehouse, 2019 Child Sexual Abuse (CSA) is a prevalent issue in society, in which 8% to 31% of girls and 3% to 17% of boys have been sexually abused (Cited in Vrolijk-Bosschaart, Verlinden, Langendam, De Smet, Teeuw, Brilleslijper-Kater, and Lindauer, 2018). “Sexual abuse occurs when a person uses his/her power over a child and involves the child in any sexual act” (Rimer, & Prager, 2016). Experiencing this type of trauma during childhood can have devastating effects on a child, as traumatic experiences can alter the functioning of the brain (Rimer, & Prager, 2016). Thus, it is important to further explore the impact that sexual abuse can have on the growth and development of a child. It is important to note the traumatic outcomes that child sexual abuse has on a child’s sexual behavior, psychological functioning, and cognitive development. Sexual Behaviours Child sexual abuse impacts the way in which a child sexually behaves in accordance with their age. Child victims of sexual abuse may portray sexual behaviours in two ways; displaying sexual behaviours that are uncommon at their age and engaging in risky sexual behaviour later in adolescence or in adulthood. One of the most obvious signs in that a child has been sexually abused is when they began to exhibit sexual behaviours that are out of the norm (Latzman & Latzman 2015). To further understand how CAS impacts a child’s sexual behaviour, it is critical to further explore what abnormal sexual behaviours consist of. Children 5 – 12 years old who have been sexually abused tend to force their friends into sexual activity, draw sexualized images, re-enact adult sexual activities, sexualize all relationships and have unusual sexual knowledge (Rimer & Prager, 2016). Normal sexual behaviour for this age group, on the other hand, comprises of curiosity in sexuality (Rimer & Prager, 2016). An example of this could be asking questions like “where do babies come from?” As well, it could be wanting to learn the names of body parts (Rimer & Prager, 2016). This interest in sexuality is considered age-appropriate and normal coming from a child. Evidently, the way in which a child sexually behaves is truly impacted by being sexually abused as a child’s perceptions and preconceived ideas on what is sexually appropriate at their age is based on their experiences. Furthermore, children who have been sexually abused may partake in risky sexual behaviours in adolescence or adulthood (Latzman, and Latzman, 2015). Seeing as children who are sexually abused have a misconception on what healthy sexual relationships look like, due to what they have experienced, it is more likely that they engage in risky sexual behaviours that can negatively affect them in the future. According to van Roode, Dickson, Herbison, & amp; Paul, (2009), risky sexual behaviour is exhibited through early onset consensual sexual activity, unprotected intercourse, and having multiple sexual partners. These behaviours can lead to unwanted pregnancies, and sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Consequently, child victims of sexual abuse may not understand the repercussions for their sexual behaviours as a result of what they have been exposed to in their childhood. Therefore, child sexual abuse greatly affects how the victim sexually behaves not only as a child but later on in adolescence and adulthood. Psychological Functioning Moreover, child sexual abuse also influences a child’s psychological functioning. Psychological functioning refers to an individual’s capability in achieving goals within themselves and includes behaviour, emotion, social skills, and overall mental health (Preedy, & Watson, 2010). Being a victim of child sexual abuse can result in long-term psychological effects that can carry into adulthood (Güven, Dalgiç, & Erkol, 2018). Ultimately, a child’s mental health and self-esteem is greatly impacted after being exposed to sexual abuse. Mental health illnesses can arise following such a traumatic experience. Some of those illnesses include depression, eating disorders, anxiety, fear, and PTSD (most common) (Güven, Dalgiç, & Erkol, 2018). Unfortunately, these mental health illnesses can impact social functioning, and interfere with daily tasks. Additionally, seeing how stigmatized mental health is, may interfere with the child’s ability to seek help. Self-esteem is also another factor that is greatly altered at the experience of sexual abuse. Especially in childhood, a child’s self-esteem is critical, as it resonates with self-perception (Güven, Dalgiç, & Erkol, 2018). According to Roberto Maniglio, (2009), sexual abuse lowers self-esteem and in the long term, puts children and youth at risk for depression and suicidal ideation. Due to the self-perception being altered after being sexually abused, it is critical to recognize how a child’s self-esteem can be impacted, and how it can be transitioned into adolescence and adulthood. It is critical to understand that the psychological factors being affected can impact an individual’s relationships with themselves, peers, and family members. Cognitive Development The cognitive development of a child can also be affected if when they have been sexually abused. To further understand the implications of sexual abuse on cognitive development, it is critical to explore what defines it. In Jean Piaget’s stages of cognitive growth, school-aged children are at the concrete operational stage, where children are able to organize ideas and think logically (Steinberg, Bornstein, Vandell, & Rook, 2011). Cognitive development involves changes in intellectual abilities such as memory, thinking, reasoning, language, problem-solving, and decision-making (Steinberg, Bornstein, Vandell, & Rook, 2011). Unfortunately, when children are sexually abused, their intellectual abilities can be affected. Research has shown that those who have experienced child sexual abuse have a decrease in school performance, and their communication skills are jeopardized (Güven, Dalgiç, and Erkol, 2018). Furthermore, in a study done on school-aged girls by Daignault & Hébert (2009), it was reported that those who had experienced sexual abuse were affected in their vocabulary and knowledge and required additional academic services. Evidently, sexual abuse impacts a child’s cognitive development. Considering that in school-aged children their cognitive skills are still developing, having an impediment in academics
Inner Child: A Visitor From the Past
Hello, fellow survivors!! I am a survivor and am taking part in the phase one peer support program at The Gatehouse. Since we began, we’ve discussed topics such as anger, addiction, and triggers. This week: the sixth session, was the first of three sessions that focus entirely on our “Inner Child.” I looked over the entire program when we first received it, but I had forgotten about this part of it, and it caused just a wee bit of anxiety…was I going to be able to connect with her, or would she be evasive like she’s been with some of my memories? We were asked to bring a photo of ourselves, one that had been taken during our childhood. I wasn’t sure what we were going to do with this photo, but I had no doubt which one I was going to choose; it had been given to me by my mother decades earlier. I never understood why she gave me something that I thought should have been a keepsake for her, but I put it in one of the middle drawers of my dresser, and pretty much forgot about it. When I went to get the photo in question, I realized there were some class photos, as well as a six-inch lock of my hair in the same envelope. I looked through the photos and then held up the lock of hair, remembering that it had been mine. The tears started rolling down my cheeks because it reminded me of a traumatic incident that happened to me when I was quite young – maybe five? My mother had gotten angry with me for going outside and messing up my hair. It had gotten tangled while I was outside playing and when I whined while she was trying to brush it, she took a pair of scissors and cut off one of my pigtails just above my left ear. I was devastated because I had just started kindergarten and here, I was looking like a little boy with a really bad haircut, instead of a little girl. I looked at the picture of me at least 10 times in the five days before this week’s group, and the more I looked at it, the more I realized how little I was. I was so young and vulnerable, and I didn’t deserve to be treated like I was less than human. The guilt and shame that I’d been living with for decades, should never have been directed at me – ever. As I mentioned earlier, I’d already read part of this week’s material, so I was nervous when Monday came, and the group started. I don’t know about you, but I’ve been hiding from my inner child; for decades, and I knew that trying to connect with her might not be easy. Not only that, but survivors also don’t always connect the first time and I was afraid that would be me. At the start of the meditation, the facilitator that was leading us through it told us to get comfortable, close our eyes and concentrate on the sound of her voice, and what she was saying. If you’ve never meditated before, you might find this difficult in the beginning, but I’ve been meditating for close to two years and I was able to open my mind completely. I listened to the facilitator’s voice gently guiding me towards my inner child: …breathe in and out, slowly and deep into your belly. …relax all the way down your back. …allow your thoughts to become peaceful. …go to a place where you felt safe as a child. …when you have something make the image as clear as you can. …now imagine your child self, coming towards you… I was getting to my safe place when I heard her say those last seven words, and as I heard them, my breathe caught in my throat. I could see her; me and as she walked towards me, I couldn’t hear the facilitator anymore, all I could hear was myself saying, you’re so small; you’re just a small child. It was bright; so incredibly bright, almost like the little child walking towards me was an angel and the light was shining out of her. She slowly walked towards me and as she took my hand in hers, I could see that her face was beaming with joy. I asked her what she wanted from me and she told me that she just wanted to walk with me. There was this bright light all around us, and it felt so good to be walking alongside her. We walked quietly, relishing in each other’s company, and when I asked her if she was tired from walking, she said yes. I then asked her if she wanted me to pick her up, and she nodded her head yes. I reached down and as I lifted her little body into my arms, I was reminded of how tiny she was. She reached up with both hands and stroked my hair before tucking her head under my chin and wrapping her arms around my neck. It felt so comforting to hold her, so I just stood there and rocked with her, telling her how much I loved her. We cried, but they were happy tears because we were so happy that we had finally reunited with one another. When I put her down, she held her hands out to me and when I reached out to see what she was giving to me, she very gently put a frog in my hand; smiled at me and skipped away. The meditation was so profound, especially the frog because I’ve always loved frogs and I believe it was a way for my inner child to show me that she wants me to get in touch with that little girl and show her how to play and be happy. She also wants me to stop blaming myself because she said that it never
Parenting During the Pandemic
Parenting during the Pandemic By: Maria Barcelos, MA, Executive Director, The Gatehouse & Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying) The pandemic has been emotionally and psychologically exhausting. I recently read an article through the New York Times and a statement in there resonated with me “parenting through grief.” This is how I felt, and I know many more felt this way too. If being a parent was not difficult enough already at times while trying to address childhood trauma myself, add a global pandemic into the mix and see what happens! Sometimes, kids will not be able to complete homework as they would do so while in-person learning, leaving parents feeling more stressed, frustrated, and even depressed! The strain can feel persistent. Other parents and caregivers reading this, does this sound familiar? Teachers? Social Workers? Survivors and partners alike? Over the past few weeks, I have been giving more thought to the experiences of parents and children during this time. With so much information being rapidly shared across multiple platforms, it can be overwhelming to even turn on the TV, listen to the radio or even read newspaper headlines. I was recently interviewed on this topic and shared that we must learn to be more flexible as parents. To accept that sometimes, the plan goes erratic. Many parents are feeling the increased pressure and strain from now having to add homeschooling yet again to their list of daily activities. Me too. I have watched my teenaged children’s frustrations with online learning and at times, I am left feeling helpless to be able to change the situation for them. I cannot. I can, however, choose to respond with empathy now, in the present moment. Many parents like myself, are working from home, already stressed with trying to manage boundaries with work and home spaces. I reached out on social media to ask other parents about their experiences about what it is like to be parenting during the pandemic…No names are included. Here is another mom’s experience: “A challenge. Things are up and down, and routines are disrupted. We always have to have more than one backup plan to juggle two working parents and homeschooling/ finding backup care when school’s out for three kids 13,12, and 7. I am tired. We all are. I keep telling my kids it will get better. I keep trying to find ways to make things fun or special when we are not able to see friends and family. I keep seeing them get hopeful about something, only to have it cancelled. I take solace in the fact that many who have come before me and many who live in different circumstances have made it through worse. Parenting is always hard, this is just one more obstacle. Keep our heads up and spirits high when possible, be sad and upset when needed, and above all drink coffee. So much more coffee.” – One very cool mom Helpful Tips As a parent, you might be feeling like you have so many different responsibilities and roles now that you cannot possibly do it all well. It may be helpful to remind yourself that this situation is something we have never personally experienced before, to be self-compassionate and not berate ourselves if all is not going according to plan. So how can we lessen the strain we feel? Let us start by looking at the different areas of our lives that have been impacted. Here are some tips that I have followed to support my family in this pandemic… Remote Learning Remote learning. Love it or hate it, it looks like it is here for a while longer. Is there an opportunity for you to reach out to other parents to start an emotional support group? I know you are probably tired of being online too. Me too. Children need routines. Children need consistency and it helps them feel safer knowing what is happening next. It does not have to be totally rigid in terms of timing, and it should be flexible to include some relaxing activities too. This applies to eating, tidying up or any other activities they do. Get creative with teaching ideas to your children. For example, using actual household items for counting. Or doing a homemade science experiment for them to actively participate in. Addressing Stress – For your child and for yourself Remember that children hear and learn from you. It is important to speak to them in a language they understand. And, if you have a younger child, you do not need to explain everything that is happening as this might cause more anxiety to surface. More virtual fun. Is there an opportunity to host virtual playdates? How about virtual socialization with friends for yourself as a parent. Or attending a peer support group for parents, if none exist, start one! Zoom offers free accounts, 40-minute meetings. Practice gratitude with your children. Reinforcing good behaviours is helpful for us and for them. Take a moment to practice yourself first thing in the morning. Go outside and get some fresh air. The outdoors is wonderful and remember to follow social distancing rules when doing so. Bedtime Routine. For children and adults alike, having a bedtime routine is important to developing and sustaining good sleep habits. Tips for those with Teenagers Being a teenager is a wonderful and different time in a child’s development. A couple of activities that I have found helpful to connect more with my teens include: Cooking and Eating Together. It is important to share meals, as it is another socialization and connection opportunity for families to spend time together. Teens are learning to be more independent. My kids love to cook and try new foods. One is a pickier eater than the other! Watching TV shows and Integrating Conversations. We have recently started watching anime shows that my teens are into to help generate more conversation about their likes too. Anime was something I watched as a teen myself, so it feels like
Grieving For A Lost Childhood
Grieving for a Lost Childhood By Maria Barcelos and Sherry Slejska For survivors of childhood sexual abuse, the pain associated with acknowledging the past, understanding it and accepting and then finally healing can simply be overwhelming. Finding meaningful and lasting healing typically involves grieving for the loss of a healthy childhood, the survivor’s innocence, and sense of self. Many suffer decades of loneliness and isolation, trying to cope with the shame, guilt, and fear of being vulnerable in relationships. Abuse is a violation of trust and once violated, survivors experience deepened shame and disconnection with self and others. ” It might come as no surprise that I revisited the idea of grief this week. When I was a participant at The Gatehouse, I was still rejecting the idea that it wasn’t my fault, so grieving certainly was an interesting idea but I wasn’t there. This weekend, I was able to celebrate the courageous little girl I was and say goodbye to the victim, and really open to the future. I thought I had found peace, but it was nothing like this version” – Sherry S., Peer Facilitator, The Gatehouse Many survivors kept the abuse secret – often threatened or guilted, and too young to understand what happened or to advocate for themselves when it occurred. The secret became ongoing silence, and silence gave way to self judgement which nurtured the abounding shame; that sense that “I am a mistake and that there is something very wrong about me.” These latter thoughts can be further reinforced especially if the survivor depended on the abuser (e.g., parent supporting them financially or survivor was manipulated to thinking the abuse was a form of love) and the impact even more challenging of they did come forward and were not believed. The shame that ensues following childhood sexual abuse may keep survivors bound to the past; mentally, physically, and emotionally. We often see evidence of this in daily behaviors and adaptive ways of perceiving and navigating life. Those that blame themselves for what happened may further isolate and can become dissociative, disconnection, and live on what on might call “survival mode” as fear and shame direct their decisions and actions. We often hear, “I had no idea my struggles were a direct consequence of childhood trauma.” It can take decades for survivors to come forward and break the silence, and by this time, many other losses and injuries have occurred, and they have likely struggled for many years. The losses experienced by a CSA survivor can be great. “My self-esteem suffered. My ability to make friendships and connect with others suffered. My ability to trust became skewed transaction-based thinking and understanding boundaries can be a near foreign idea” A common thought we hear about is “They are being nice to me, what do they want?” And people pleasing can become second nature as survivors either seek to avoid people or find safety around them. This is not an exhaustive description of the losses that survivors experience. Releasing the grasp of shame involves grieving for a lost childhood. Reconnecting with the inner child, the little person that lives in all of us. The little person that is sometimes screaming for help, frustrated, and needing attention, or sad and needing a hug. Grieving the various injuries suffered, and the losses experienced after the abuse. Grieving involves being validated for your strengths, your courage, and your wholeness as a person all of which comes from within. When a survivor accepts that it wasn’t their fault. The shame was not theirs to have and compassionately looks back at the child and all that little person’s lost, the healing can really start to take hold. “I can honestly say, after grieving the fullness of what was lost; from the tangible things like relationships, education and a meaningful career to the deeper stuff like poor self esteem, boundary impairment, emotional dysregulation and all that goes with not developing a wholeness of The Self, I’m finally good. I can breathe and say good-by to what was once a very painful past and be open to a future of possibilities.” – Sherry S., Peer Facilitator, The Gatehouse. Recommended Reads