For many survivors of childhood sexual abuse (CSA), setting and holding boundaries can be one of the most difficult — and most healing — things we learn to do. When our boundaries are crossed at an early age, it can leave us feeling confused, ashamed, or even unsafe when we try to assert them in adulthood. But boundaries are not selfish. They are essential.
So what happens when you realize you’re not listening to your own boundaries? Or when someone else keeps pushing past the ones you’ve clearly stated?
Let’s explore this together.
When You Ignore Your Own Boundaries
Sometimes we say yes when we mean no. We override that tight feeling in our chest or the lump in our throat. We might tell ourselves:
- “It’s not a big deal.”
- “I don’t want to upset them.”
- “They need me.”
Sound familiar?
When this happens, pause. Ask yourself:
- What am I feeling right now?
- Is there fear, guilt, or a need to please driving this yes?
- What would it feel like to honour my no instead?
Self-abandonment — even in small ways — adds up over time. Healing includes learning to listen to yourself first.
When we keep saying yes while our body, heart, or mind is saying no, it creates a disconnect. We may tell ourselves it’s the “nice” thing to do — but over time, this habit can lead to resentment, mistrust, and even the breakdown of relationships.
Have you ever had someone tell you yes, and then not show up? When someone consistently ignores their own limits or overpromises and lets you down, it’s hard to believe them when they say yes. We might even be the one to let others down because we say yes, when we aren’t capable of following through. This might lead to feelings of guilt and shame, or the other person might resent you or stars to lose trust in you.
When we do follow through on our yeses, and we say yes a lot, resentment can build “Why does everyone rely on me” “Can’t they ask someone else”. Some may unintentionally overstep, others may notice your pattern of always saying yes, and take advantage of it. The truth is: if we never share our boundaries, people don’t know where they are. Saying no teaches others that your yes has value.
When Others Ignore Your Boundaries
Sometimes, even when we confidently, and clearly assert our boundaries, people might not listen the first time. Boundaries don’t exist to control others. They exist to protect your energy, your time, and your well-being. We might confidently, and clearly assert our boundary, so what do you do when it gets ignored or challenged?
Here are some reminders:
- You do not need to justify your boundary.
- You can repeat yourself — even if it feels awkward or uncomfortable.
- You can walk away if your boundary is not being respected.
You deserve relationships where your no is honoured just as much as your yes.
When someone repeatedly crosses your boundary, it can become harder to assert it. That’s why it’s important to address boundary violations clearly and early on.
If someone crosses the line once, you might say:
“I want to be clear that this is a boundary for me. I know I may not have named it before, but it’s important now.”
If it happens again, you can be more direct:
“This is the second time this boundary has been crossed. If it happens again, I will need to step away from: this conversation, this activity, or this dynamic.”
Boundaries are not about punishing others. They are about protecting your peace and creating clarity. You’re not being dramatic or mean — you’re being clear about what you will and won’t engage with.
You Don’t Owe Anyone a Reason
Many survivors feel pressure to explain or justify their boundaries, especially when it feels like the person asking expects access to your time, energy, or emotional labour. But the truth is:
Your “no” is enough.
Here are some ways to say no while still being kind and clear:
- “As much as I’d like to, my plate is full right now.”
- “I don’t have the capacity for that at the moment.”
- “That’s not something I’m comfortable doing.”
- “Thank you for thinking of me. I can’t take this on right now.”
You are not required to shrink, overextend, or exhaust yourself to be kind. Kindness includes being honest, and kindness toward yourself.
Struggling to Set a Boundary? Ask Yourself Why.
If setting a boundary feels hard, you’re not alone. Take a moment to reflect:
- Am I afraid of being seen as “difficult,” “cold,” or “selfish”?
- Am I worried this person will be angry or walk away?
- Do I believe I need a “good enough” reason to say no?
These are common fears, especially for survivors. But it’s okay to prioritize your own safety and peace. You are allowed to grow out of roles that once felt necessary for survival.
Boundaries Belong Everywhere
Boundaries aren’t just for toxic relationships. They can show up in all areas of life:
- At work (e.g., “I don’t check emails after 6 PM.”)
- In social settings (e.g., “I’m not drinking tonight.”)
- In family gatherings (e.g., “Let’s not discuss that topic.”)
- In dating (e.g., “I’m not comfortable moving that fast.”)
You’re allowed to set a boundary even if it disappoints someone. You’re allowed to change your mind. You’re allowed to protect your peace.
Your voice matters. Your “NO” matters.
