Signs and Symptoms of Childhood Sexual Abuse  Karen MacKeigan, B.A., DAMHW, DECE  Childhood sexual abuse (CSA) is a common form of trauma that impacts both men and women.  It is estimated that one in three girls and one in six boys experience CSA before the age of eighteen.  Moreover, 95% of abusers are known to survivors (Little Warriors, 2021).  That is an incredibly high percentage of known abusers, which is why it is essential that we, as adults, are aware of the signs and symptoms of CSA in order to promote its cessation.    The four types of child sexual abuse are exposure abuse; non-genital touching; genital contact; and penetrative abuse (Little Warriors, 2021).  Child sexual abuse can impact each young survivor differently, including physical, emotional, behavioural, and psychological signs.  It isn’t always easy to identify sexual abuse because perpetrators often take steps to hide their actions (RAINN, 2021). It is important to note that although some of the warning signs may be nonspecific and do not all equate to sexual abuse, they are worth being mindful of.    RAINN (2021) presents physical, behavioural, and emotional warning signs as such:   Physical signs:  Sexually transmitted infections (STIs)  Signs of trauma to the genital area  Behavioural signs:  Excessive talk about or knowledge of sexual topics  Keeping secrets outside of the usual  Not wanting to be left alone with certain people   Regressive behaviours (i.e., bed wetting, thumb sucking)   Sexual behaviour that is inappropriate for the child’s age  Trying to avoid removing clothing to change or bathe  Emotional signs:  Change in eating habits; loss of appetite  Change in mood or personality; i.e., aggressive behaviour  Decrease in confidence or self-image  Excessive worry or fearfulness  Increase in unexplained health problems; i.e., stomach aches and headaches  Insomnia and/or nightmares  Loss or decrease in interest in school, activities, and friends  Self-harming behaviours  When taking into consideration how vast the percentage is for perpetrators known to survivors, being mindful of the behaviours exhibited towards children can help to end the occurrence of childhood sexual abuse before it begins, if not sooner than later.  Sandra J. Dixon (2008) weighs in by adding that “nearly all molesters engage children in tickling, roughhousing, picking the child up, massaging, cuddling, holding, patting, rocking, kissing and touching. The predator touches the child in front of the parents, at first appropriately, and soon inappropriately. That’s how bold they are. If the parents don’t stop it, the child thinks that they approve.”  It is imperative that we, as adults, speak out about childhood sexual abuse because most children won’t.  Speaking out and bringing awareness to this crime helps to shine a light on these young survivors and ultimately helps them to reclaims their voices.  Here at The Gatehouse, we consistently strive to create a safe and inclusive space for survivors to heal and reclaim their voices by providing support, community, and resources to those impacted by childhood sexual abuse.  References  Dixon, S. J. (2008). Invisible girl. BOKCL.  Little Warriors. (2021). Information and resources: Statistics and research. Little Warriors. https://littlewarriors.ca/about/information-resources/   Little Warriors. (2021). Information and resources: What is child sexual abuse? Little Warriors. https://littlewarriors.ca/about/information-resources/   RAINN. (2021). Warning signs for young children. RAINN. https://www.rainn.org/articles/warning-signs-young-children      

Trauma-Informed Advocacy for Survivors 101 By: By: Katie Hucklebridge, DSSW, BSW[c], ASIST The key to being a true advocate for survivors of childhood sexual abuse (CSA) is to be trauma-informed. But how does someone become trauma-informed? First, you must recognize the prevalence of adverse childhood experiences (ace’s)/ trauma among people. Second, recognize the behaviours and symptoms which result from traumatic experiences. Lastly, to be a trauma-informed advocate, you must treat individuals who have experienced trauma with respect and kindness. Each of these steps is key to helping survivors recover from their trauma and work towards self-advocacy. Those of us who are privileged enough to not be CSA survivors ourselves must remember that having the power to advocate with survivors, also means having the power to inflict further abuse. By recognizing this necessary balance, we allow ourselves to become true allies. When asked about advocating for survivors, The Gatehouse’s very own Charmaine Loverin had this to say: “Something I wish people would know or do before advocating for survivors is to be curious for, inquire in and understand the commitment it takes to be a proactive footprint on the path to change. You must be willing to show up and sustainably live inside the winning vision to achieve the advocacy goal.” As advocates, we are the foot soldiers for the change we demand, our survivors are the leaders. For the survivors themselves leading the fight Charmain suggests the following: “Never lose sight of what you, as a survivor needed. Start from there, then when helping others, making a difference feels natural. It creates a relatable and authentic compassion when sitting with others who are vulnerable. Never forgetting we’ve been there too.” So, what are some practical ways one can become a trauma-informed advocate for survivors of childhood sexual abuse? First and foremost, if you know a survivor personally, or are a survivor yourself ask the community what it needs. Whether that means donating to the efforts of The Gatehouse or volunteering your time as a volunteer or trained facilitator. Educating the public about the prevalence and the impacts of childhood sexual abuse is also a fantastic form of trauma-informed advocacy. Second, do your research. Groups such as 1 in 6, RAINN, or Darkness to Light offer great insight into the lives of survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Alternatively, The Gatehouse provides a list of books, videos, and podcasts available for further learning on our website. If you’re a partner of one of our survivors, please feel free to check out the partner’s support group! Third, get out there! Openly discuss (without disclosing any information without permission, or as much as you feel comfortable (survivors only!)) childhood sexual abuse in the appropriate settings, such as human services workplaces (social services, healthcare, etc.) Upcoming Advocacy Event September 21, 2021 https://charmaineloverin.com/events-news/ EVENT LOVERIN’S LAW – QUEENS PARK LOBBY DATE: Tuesday September 21st, 2021 TIME: 12Pm- 4pm WHERE: Queens Park, Toronto    FOR EVENT UPDATES VISIT Facebook @centreformentalhealthtransformation Page and go to “Events“ – LOVERIN’S LAW LOBBY COVID 100 ppl Max Recommendation; Wear mask Social Distance What we need:  4 Marshall’s to help with crowd You will be attending to show support for Loverin’s Law which is a request to mandate an Awareness & Prevention Week for Abuse Prevention in all Ontario Schools during the proclaimed month for Child Abuse Prevention Current school policies describe under the safe schools and mental health policies; how educators are trained to identify and report abuse. The policies allow the OCAS signature “Dress Purple Awareness Day”  this event shows youth and students there is people are there to help.  The policy also is mandates education support for students on “inappropriate touching, neglect, healthy relationships, and bullying prevention. Neglect is not taught. All the above policy mandates are important to sustain and…….. Students are NOT taught the actual life skills and language use of the word “Abuse” At reading ages 5-7 kids CAN be appropriately be taught under the same context and content as “Stop” and “Danger “ the word “ Abuse”, same for more education on language use “ Healthy Boundaries”, “Trust” “Grooming” Abuse is an empty word till it becomes learned context or an experience 8-12 years old and grades 3-6 CAN be taught the very important and different kinds of context and real language skills for abuse prevention like: verbal, emotional, physical, domestic violence, neglect and sexual And 13+ grades 7+ CAN be educated on the cultural histories and advocacies for abuse prevention This CANNOT be taught in ONE DAY, ALL SCHOOLS must MANDATE “Loverins Law” by implementing a full learning a week for abuse prevention education It’s time! Bring your advocacy boards demonstrating YOUR words why Loverins Law is important for you! Advocate from your position as survivor, or parent, or educator or worker! Use above language if you want from the above or email Charmaine at charmaineloverin@gmail.com Expect Speakers from Education system, police forces, child protection agencies, parents, students and survivors!

Life as a Child of a Survivor Written by: Kate Hucklebridge Growing up with a parent who struggles with mental health conditions and trauma resulting from childhood abuse is a lifelong balancing act. Until the age of 18, I had no understanding of the troubles burdening my father. Being the self-absorbed child/teenager I was, I convinced myself that we could not have a functioning and happy relationship. I cannot claim that I was a well-behaved child, if I did, when my parents read this, they will absolutely call me out. However, my father also acknowledges that his behaviour prior to starting his healing journey did not help my beliefs. I recall asking why he was so hard on myself and my sibling when we were growing up. Rather than deny it, he told me that being perfect was the only way he knew how to be safe. With this admission, a lot about my childhood suddenly made sense. Through my own learning, I understand that a key characteristic found in survivors of childhood sexual abuse, is a struggle with emotional expression. During my childhood, my father was an angry man, and it took minimal effort to trigger this emotional reaction. Because of this, I developed my own forms of emotional dysregulation and distrust of adults. I still struggle with this, as I find asking anyone for help to be a nearly impossible task unless they are my husband or my father. I believe there is a reason for this. Despite my father’s struggle with emotional regulation, he has always been reliable and predictable. If I succeeded in school or a social activity, I was praised and celebrated. If I was in trouble with school or my mother, I was yelled at and punished, usually by grounding or extra chores. Although my husband does not have that punitive power over me, he has a lot of the same characteristics and traits that my father shows only to those he trusts. Genetically speaking, my father’s diagnosis of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Depression, have made me particularly vulnerable to both. Studies have found that individuals diagnosed with PTSD in particular have lower cortisol levels, and this can be passed onto the individual’s biological offspring. Cortisol is the body’s primary stress hormone. When a stressful situation or event passes, our cortisol levels should calm down. However, when this hormone isn’t turned off, we can develop a multitude of health problems, including, but not limited to, depression and anxiety, headaches, and memory and concentration problems. So, when a parent has lower cortisol levels and is diagnosed with PTSD or Depression, their child will be more likely to develop the condition as well, because we inherit the genetics and hormones from our parents. Knowing this will absolutely affect my decision to have biological children of my own. Though my father had no understanding of this risk or control over the transmission, I can make an educated decision about what is best for myself and the world we live in.   Ultimately, I would not trade my father for anyone or anything (16-year-old me would be in total disbelief). The Gatehouse has provided an opportunity for both of us to heal and move forward into a healthy relationship. Without the staff and volunteers, there is no telling where my relationship with either of my parents would be. My work with this team of dedicated individuals has given me a unique glimpse into what my fathers life was like prior to starting his healing journey, and I will be forever grateful.   

Selfcare   Written by: Marta Wilimowski, Addictions, and Mental Health Graduate Certificate Program (C), The Gatehouse Practicum Student Selfcare is a term that comes up quite often in the field of mental health. It is a process of taking care of yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally. Selfcare is essential for anyone, particularly for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. This is because it helps with coping the thoughts and feelings following the event, regardless of how long after. Selfcare can help to address concerns regarding flashbacks, panic attacks, anxiety or sleeping problems (Rape Crisis England & Wales, 2021).  The beauty of selfcare is that there is no right or wrong way to do it. It is subjective, meaning it will look different for each individual. In a general sense, selfcare is anything that will make you feel better, safer, and happier. No activity is too small for selfcare. It can be as simple as going for a walk or taking a drink of water. If you prefer to challenge yourself, you can participate in activities that require more time and effort. This can include decluttering a closet, going on a 5k run or learning how to cook a new dish. Regardless of your selfcare is, it is important to remember to treat yourself with love, kindness, and compassion (Rape Crisis England & Wales, 2021).  It can be challenging to find time for selfcare, especially if you are overwhelmed with a busy schedule. To add to this, changing up your routine takes time. For survivors, there may be a couple of different reasons why selfcare may be challenging. For one, the survivor may be experiencing feelings of shame or even blaming themselves for what happened (Rape Crisis England & Wales, 2021). These feelings can lead the individual to believe that they are not deserving of selfcare. If and when you feel these emotions, it is important to remember that you are not to blame. You are not at fault for what happened to you. Overcoming thoughts of self-blame is challenging, but it is not impossible. Be kind to yourself, challenge thoughts of self-blame by thinking about arguments again them and tell yourself, “It was not my fault” (Rape Crisis England & Wales, 2021).  Selfcare is a task that may be very difficult to make a part of your day. Some tips to remember is that you can start small and work your way up to bigger things. The important thing to remember is to work at a pace that you are comfortable with. Another tip to keep in mind is that self-care does not have to be a complicated thing. As was mentioned above, it can be as simple as going for a walk. Do not let yourself get into a mindset that selfcare has to be big. Selfcare is whatever makes you feel happy and relaxed.   If you are anything like me, you may have a hard time coming up with some selfcare activities. Below, you will find a couple of different activities for your physical, mental, and emotional well-being that you can use to inspire your personalized selfcare plan. Physical selfcare can include going on a hike, getting a massage, developing a regular sleep routine, or working out. Some selfcare activities for taking take of your mental self can include journaling, hanging out with your friends and family, saying affirmations, or creating long- and short-term goals for yourself. Lastly, some emotional selfcare activities include sharing love for yourself and others, having a dance party, celebrating your accomplishments, or giving someone a hug. I want to stress that these are not the only forms of selfcare, and if these ideas do not work for you, that is okay. Selfcare means something entirely different for each individual. Focus on yourself and whatever it is that makes you feel happy.  References  Challenging thoughts of self-blame: Rape Crisis England & Wales. Challenging thoughts of self-blame | Rape Crisis England & Wales. (2021). https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/looking-for-tools-to-help-you-cope/blame-guilt/challenging-thoughts-of-self-blame/.   Self-care after rape or sexual violence. after rape or sexual violence | Rape Crisis England & Wales. (2021). https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/looking-for-tools-to-help-you-cope/self-care/what-is-self-care/.  

Recognizing & Establishing Boundaries Written by: Christina Di Nola, B.A., Addictions, and Mental Health Graduate Certificate Program (C), The Gatehouse Practicum Student Boundaries help us remember where we end, and another person begins. Boundaries are made up of physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual dimensions that are influenced by internal and external forces (The Gatehouse, 2020). They help protect us. What is okay? What is not okay? What do you want? Your body, your feelings, your emotions, and your boundaries belong to you and make you, you.   Childhood sexual abuse can leave scars that can last a lifetime. It can affect your ability to trust, your self-esteem, and the way you understand and implement your own boundaries. It affects how we interact with the world and the people around us. If you are a survivor or have experienced any trauma, you may be less likely to defend yourself and your boundaries (Concepcion, 2017). Survivors often have a hard time saying “no” and try to please and appease others, even if it makes them uncomfortable or it’s outside of their personal boundaries.  There are positive and negative boundaries (The Gatehouse, 2020). For example, a negative boundary is going against personal values or rights to please others. A positive boundary would be ensuring that your values are non-negotiable in your relationship(s). Another negative boundary is being overwhelmed by or preoccupied with a person. A positive boundary is acknowledging your ability to compartmentalize other areas of your life and functioning within them.  At The Gatehouse, we discuss three types of boundaries in the Phase 1 Peer Support program. With positive boundaries in place, there is an easily identifiable line between partners. They are connected and have an impact on each other’s life, yet independent. Boundaries are flexible in that they grow and change. Both intimacy and safety are promoted within a healthy relationship. Compared to positive boundaries, it is difficult to distinguish between partners in a relationship with collapsed boundaries. Also known as enmeshment, partners seek to lose themselves in the other or expect their partner to become lost in them. Enmeshment can lead to infringement of boundaries, violation, and abuse. Rigid boundaries tend to be like walls that prevent true intimacy within a relationship. There is little emotional connection – an emotionally detached relationship.    Setting boundaries gives us freedom and choices. We are taking responsibility when we set positive boundaries. It is about discipline, not punishment for us or others (The Gatehouse, 2020). Here are some tips for setting healthy boundaries from The Gatehouse Phase 1 Peer Support manual:  Identify and respect our needs, feelings, opinions, and rights. We need to identify these to define ourselves in relation to others.  Overcome self-esteem and passivity and assertively take care of ourselves in relationships. Learning to establish clear and positive boundaries must be an important goal on your healing journey and in your personal growth.  Develop a support system of people who respect you and your right to set boundaries – eliminate toxic people from your life.  References  Concepcion, M. (2017). Interpersonal boundaries: How trauma keeps us silent. Retrieved from   https://www.lifeworkspsychotherapy.com/interpersonal-boundaries-trauma-keeps-us-silent/   The Gatehouse. (2020). Phase 1 peer support group program participant manual.  

Mental Health & Sexual Abuse Written by: Allison Van Kessel, Graduate Student, B.A. Practicum Student Childhood sexual abuse (CSA) and any other sexual abuse can result in a number of mental health issues spanning across childhood, teenage years, and adulthood as well. Many survivors may struggle with not feeling like themselves, and may feel as if their body is not what they remember previous to the abuse (Good Therapy, 2019). Survivors have been known to develop mental illnesses due to the trauma they experienced such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, personality disorders, and/or dissociative disorders, as well as possible eating disorders (Good Therapy, 2019). This is not to say that every survivor of childhood sexual abuse is going to develop these issues, because that is not the case for everyone, as every individual survivor is unique and tells a different story. The reason it is important to educate survivors on this information is due to the fact that although not all survivors experience a mental illness or struggle, they are at a higher risk of developing such problems (Canadian Mental Health Association, 2013). Some common experiences for survivors may be shame, guilt, loss of autonomy, anxiety, fear, intense memories, loss of memory, personality disruptions and attachment issues among others (Good Therapy, 2019). You are never alone in feeling these things, and there are many other survivors at The Gatehouse who can speak to you about these feelings, and facilitators who are survivors themselves who can relate. You are not broken or weak just because you have developed mental health concerns after the abuse, and you are just coping in any way you know how to and that is okay. Coping with sexual abuse can result in some addictions concerns as well, and it is important to understand as a survivor that this may be your body’s way of trying to find ways to cope, such as becoming dependent on drugs or alcohol due to their numbing effects (Good Therapy, 2019). Some other ways that survivors of childhood sexual abuse can be affected is regarding their well-being, such as in the areas of trust, self-esteem, coping with stress, impulsivity, anger, dissociation and self-harm. These are all common reactions to trauma, and learning how to cope with these problems and live your life in a safe way is extremely important in the steps to healing and growing (Canadian Mental Health Association, 2013). When it comes to self-esteem, it is important to remember that the abuse was not your fault, and that you can feel good about yourself after an abuse (Canadian Mental Health Association, 2013). With anger, some grounding techniques such as clenching your fists, curling your toes or even just practicing deep breathing and mindfulness can help to calm your body before acting impulsively, and these grounding techniques can be applied to other mental illness concerns as well such as anxiety you may feel regarding the abuse. Lastly, there are also concerns that may arise regarding sexual relationships or intimate relationships, as trust issues are common after CSA (Hall & Hall, 2011). It can be difficult to believe that you are safe in another relationship if you trusted your perpetrator or if they were someone you loved, but again it is important to remember that you are not alone in these feelings and there is healing to be done when you are ready. Survivors of childhood sexual abuse are at a higher risk of developing mental health concerns or other problems after the abuse, but that does not mean that as a survivor you will always develop one of these concerns. There are many grounding techniques and practices you can work through both at The Gatehouse or alone that will help to keep you safe and well while you work through your healing journey. You are not alone. You are worthy. You can heal. References   Canadian Mental Health Association, BC Division. (2013). Childhood Sexual Abuse: A Mental Health Issue. https://www.heretohelp.bc.ca/infosheet/childhood-sexual-abuse-a-mental-health-issue#how Good Therapy. (2019). Sexual Assault/Abuse. Retreived from: https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/sexual-abuse Hall, M. and Hall, J. (2011). The Long-Term Effects of Childhood Sexual Abuse: Counseling Implications. Retreived from: https://www.counseling.org/docs/disaster-and-trauma_sexual-abuse/long-term-effects-of-childhood-sexual-abuse.pdf?sfvrsn=2

How to be an Ally to the LGBTQ+ Community Written By: Maria Barcelos, MA, Executive Director &  Ian Kelly, Peer Support Facilitator LGBTQ+ Community Member This June, we stand in solidarity with the LGBTQ+ community and ask our members to also be allies. Being an ally takes many forms, including standing up to prejudice against the LGBTQ+ community, advocating for LGBTQ+ rights and access to services, showing pride support by sharing events and information about LGBTQ+, listening with empathy and non-judgment (Youth Engaged 4 Change, 2021). Many LGBTQ+ survivors of childhood sexual abuse face additional barriers to disclosing their trauma history. From encountering additional prejudice and judgment because of LGBTQ+ myths surrounding sexuality, gender expression, and CSA trauma to not finding safe and inclusive spaces to share their story to facing disparaging comments or outright biased criticism via online platforms.  As allies, we believe that all people, regardless of gender identity and sexual orientation, should be treated with dignity and respect (GLADD, 2021). Our gratitude to all our LGBTQ+ members and facilitators that help other survivors find their voice.  Special thanks to Ian Kelly, Facilitator and LGBTQ+ community member who has been a long-time facilitator, advocate, and supporter of The Gatehouse.  Most recently, Ian was awarded a  2021 Victims Services Award of Distinction for his dedication and commitment to helping survivors of trauma heal in the community.  Becoming an Ally to someone who is a part of the LGBTQ2S+ community is all or nothing.  If you want to create a space for them, where they feel they can be fully honest and open, it’s important to be aware that saying even one thing wrong can make them feel unsafe instantly.  With this in mind, and knowing that none of us are perfect, one of the most important first steps to becoming an Ally is to start out by being open to hearing when you have made an error.  We all have blind spots and can display microaggressions.  Opportunities that allow us to apologize and learn, go a long way to creating a feeling of safety.  If you use an incorrect pronoun or blurt out a microaggression, be open to hearing about it.   And use this, not only to be able to apologize but also to learn and to use your capacity for empathy.  Ask questions.  “How does it feel for you when someone mis-genders you?”  “Do you hear these things a lot?”  “Are there kinds of discrimination you experience that hurt more than others?”  Listening to someone goes a long way to validate their feelings and their experience.  So, start out by simply saying, “I might screw up, please let me know if I do and let’s talk.”  An important foundation to being an Ally is to know that it is not important to understand everything that person is experiencing and feeling.  And it is no one’s job to help you understand and therefore explain everything to you.  It is only important that you accept the person, their feelings, and the experiences that they have had.  It is a heavy burden for someone to feel they need to explain themselves.  With that feeling of acceptance, conversations may happen, and they might feel safe enough to give you more information.  Realize that many people who are in the community have experienced trauma.  This trauma can come in many forms like bullying, physical assault, as well as sexual abuse.  One of the effects of trauma is that we tend to build walls around ourselves, and those walls can present in many ways.  Remember this always and practice patience.  Those walls are there to protect that person and being invited behind them doesn’t happen easily.  You are asking someone to be vulnerable, so please remember to lead by example.  Be willing to be vulnerable yourself, about your own feelings and experiences.  This is imperative if you want to create a safe space.  And lastly, as in all relationships that we have, always use your empathy.  Remember to feel it and convey it.  You do not need to know what it’s like to be trans or gay, we all have experiences of feeling sad, or alone, or like an outsider.  When speaking to someone in the LGBTQ2S+ community, hear their words as well as their feelings. Always let them know you are feeling empathy by responding with something that tells them.  “That sucks”, “That sounds hard”, or “That takes great strength” are all ways we can let others know that we are feeling empathy.  It takes effort to become a true Ally but know your life will be richer for knowing such diverse and incredible people. Check out Pride TO for more information about upcoming Pride events https://www.pridetoronto.com/ Sources GLADD. (2021). 10 Ways to be an ally & a friend. Retrieved from https://www.glaad.org/resources/ally/2 Youth Engaged 4 Change. (2021). Being an ally to LGBT people. Retrieved from https://engage.youth.gov/resources/being-ally-lgbt-people

Debunking Childhood Sexual Abuse Myths & LGBTQ+ Community By: Maria Barcelos, MA, Executive Director & Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying) There are many myths surrounding childhood sexual abuse, including myths involving gender expression, sexual orientation, and potential offending behaviours. It is important to note that myths about CSA trauma further perpetuate survivors’ silence, shame, and guilt. Myths have the power to silence and further re-victimize survivors of childhood sexual abuse. It is imperative that as a healing community, we debunk myths by educating the public on the facts and truth regarding CSA survivors from many different communities, cultures, and faiths, including the LGBTQ+ community. The myths contained in this article are not an exhaustive list of myths pertaining to the LGBTQ+ community. As an LGBTQ+ ally, it is important to educate yourself on the various experiences of LGBTQ+ survivors. A more comprehensive list is included in both sources for this article. MYTH # 1: Gay men molest children at far higher rates than heterosexuals. FACT: According to the American Psychological Association, children are not more likely to be molested by LGBT parents or their LGBT friends or acquaintances. Gregory Herek, a professor at the University of California, Davis, who is one of the nation’s leading researchers on prejudice against sexual minorities, reviewed a series of studies and found no evidence that gay men molest children at higher rates than heterosexual men (Southern Poverty Law Center, 2021). MYTH # 2: Same-sex parents harm children. FACT: No legitimate research has demonstrated that same-sex couples are any more or any less harmful to children than heterosexual couples. MYTH# 3: Being raised by gay parents will cause kids to be gay. FACT: People do not choose who they are attracted to. Likewise, no one else can dictate our attractions—not even our parents. We certainly learn things about sexuality and relationships from observing our parents and other couples in society, but our own sexuality isn’t something we learned or have much if any, control over. Not much is known about why people are gay or not, but children’s sexual orientation is not determined by the sexuality of their parents. In fact, most gay people were raised by straight parents, and many children of gay parents grow up to be straight (Adoptions From The Heart, 2019). MYTH # 4: People become homosexual because they were sexually abused as children or there was a deficiency in sex-role modeling by their parents. FACT: No scientifically sound study has definitively linked sexual orientation or identity with parental role-modeling or childhood sexual abuse (Southern Poverty Law Center, 2021). The American Psychiatric Association noted in a 2000 fact sheet available on the Association of Gay and Lesbian Psychiatrists, that dealing with gay, lesbian, and bisexual issues, that sexual abuse does not appear to be any more prevalent among children who grow up and identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual than in children who grow up and identify as heterosexual (Southern Poverty Law Center, 2021). Sources Adoptions From The Heart. (2019). Debunking myths about LGBTQ parents. Retrieved from https://afth.org/debunking-myths-about-lgbtq-parents/ The Southern Poverty Law Center. (2021). 10 Anti-Gay myths debunked. Retrieved from https://www.splcenter.org/fighting-hate/intelligence-report/2011/10-anti-gay-myths-debunked

Partners & Support Persons of Survivors and the Healing Journey The trauma of childhood sexual assault and child abuse, including the feelings of guilt, shame, fear, or anger that ensue are often brought into relationships, intimate and otherwise by survivors. For many survivors, childhood trauma is not something that is discussed until decades later. These experiences may leave the partners at a loss for how to help their survivor partner through their healing journey when they do disclose their story to them. Childhood sexual abuse trauma and other forms of child abuse have devastating impacts on various areas of our life. The behaviours and scenarios mentioned in this article are not meant to be an exhaustive list. Commonly areas such as trust, intimacy, control, safety, sexual boundaries, and sexual functioning may be affected. For survivors of childhood sexual abuse, a relationship may have periods of calm and happiness, where the survivor seems to be coping well and healing, however, these periods may quickly shift in opposite directions where the survivor may feel like they are just hanging on, and they may feel like trust and safety are lessening (Opening the Circle, 2021). If you are a partner of a survivor, you may have already noticed that survivors demonstrate avoidance and sometimes outright denial towards sharing their authentic thoughts and feelings with you. You may have already experienced survivors feeling triggered or even at times emotionally detached during various experiences including intimacy or other settings like family gatherings, especially when the offender or those that protected the offender may be present. For those with partners who suffered emotional abuse or neglect by their parents, these triggers may also be present, and the flight response may become activated in your survivor partner. Furthermore, survivors may also experience periods of anger. Through The Gatehouse programs, anger is explored as a secondary emotion, often concealing shame, guilt, fear, and other emotions that are not being talked about openly in the relationship. Moreover, survivors may demonstrate a range of emotions including being frozen or shut down, powerless, numb, or timid. They may avoid sexual situations and get trapped in a psychological aversion to intimacy which prevents them from working on the issues proactively. At the opposite end of the continuum, the survivor may instead seek out sex compulsively, and exhibit promiscuous behavior. Both are normal responses to the abuse that they have experienced (Opening the Circle, 2021). There is hope and healing is possible. Through proactive and supportive discussions, partners and survivors can relearn healthier ways to communicate and relate to one another. This process of sharing ourselves with others takes courage and the will to face our fears of being seen, being truly seen as human beings. Often survivors are faced with the fear that if their partner knows about their past, they will leave them or not accept them. Courage is a necessary element for one to stay on the newly formed path to one’s healing.  Once the survivor and partner begin to explore the story and its impact on the relationship, the dynamics in the relationship shift. The old way of relating to one another is no longer possible. Courage is born our will to explore and appreciate our strengths and vulnerabilities.  Courage initiates and supports our move away from a state of withholding.  Withholding is simply a form of fear, which ties up our energies or converts unusable transformational energy into unusable constraining, confining energy.  In essence, we become stuck. Courage allows us to move away from the withholding experience because I am free to express our fears and vulnerabilities.  This is when we are at our strongest when we can voice our fears and vulnerabilities. – Arthur Lockhart, Founder, The Gatehouse This willingness to explore what is surfacing for each of us is something that is done by both partner and survivor. It is about recognizing each one’s capacity and willingness to talk about what we are experiencing in the relationship, learning new ways of relating to one another, and committing to continued behaviour change in responding to situations involving triggers, conflict, uncertainty, or fear. Most often, fear is a common emotion that both partners and survivors are experiencing as they start the process of open dialogue with one another. Here are some questions to consider when exploring fear. Reflect on a time when you were afraid to take the initiative on something, or stopped, froze, and refused to continue with an activity.  Write about the following: What was the activity? What happened to your body?  What happened to your voice?  What happened to your thought process? References Opening the Circle. (2021). For partners of survivors of sexual abuse. Retrieved from http://www.openingthecircle.ca/defining-abuse/for-partners-of-survivors-of-sexual-abuse