How to be an Ally to the LGBTQ+ Community Written By: Maria Barcelos, MA, Executive Director & Ian Kelly, Peer Support Facilitator LGBTQ+ Community Member This June, we stand in solidarity with the LGBTQ+ community and ask our members to also be allies. Being an ally takes many forms, including standing up to prejudice against the LGBTQ+ community, advocating for LGBTQ+ rights and access to services, showing pride support by sharing events and information about LGBTQ+, listening with empathy and non-judgment (Youth Engaged 4 Change, 2021). Many LGBTQ+ survivors of childhood sexual abuse face additional barriers to disclosing their trauma history. From encountering additional prejudice and judgment because of LGBTQ+ myths surrounding sexuality, gender expression, and CSA trauma to not finding safe and inclusive spaces to share their story to facing disparaging comments or outright biased criticism via online platforms. As allies, we believe that all people, regardless of gender identity and sexual orientation, should be treated with dignity and respect (GLADD, 2021). Our gratitude to all our LGBTQ+ members and facilitators that help other survivors find their voice. Special thanks to Ian Kelly, Facilitator and LGBTQ+ community member who has been a long-time facilitator, advocate, and supporter of The Gatehouse. Most recently, Ian was awarded a 2021 Victims Services Award of Distinction for his dedication and commitment to helping survivors of trauma heal in the community. Becoming an Ally to someone who is a part of the LGBTQ2S+ community is all or nothing. If you want to create a space for them, where they feel they can be fully honest and open, it’s important to be aware that saying even one thing wrong can make them feel unsafe instantly. With this in mind, and knowing that none of us are perfect, one of the most important first steps to becoming an Ally is to start out by being open to hearing when you have made an error. We all have blind spots and can display microaggressions. Opportunities that allow us to apologize and learn, go a long way to creating a feeling of safety. If you use an incorrect pronoun or blurt out a microaggression, be open to hearing about it. And use this, not only to be able to apologize but also to learn and to use your capacity for empathy. Ask questions. “How does it feel for you when someone mis-genders you?” “Do you hear these things a lot?” “Are there kinds of discrimination you experience that hurt more than others?” Listening to someone goes a long way to validate their feelings and their experience. So, start out by simply saying, “I might screw up, please let me know if I do and let’s talk.” An important foundation to being an Ally is to know that it is not important to understand everything that person is experiencing and feeling. And it is no one’s job to help you understand and therefore explain everything to you. It is only important that you accept the person, their feelings, and the experiences that they have had. It is a heavy burden for someone to feel they need to explain themselves. With that feeling of acceptance, conversations may happen, and they might feel safe enough to give you more information. Realize that many people who are in the community have experienced trauma. This trauma can come in many forms like bullying, physical assault, as well as sexual abuse. One of the effects of trauma is that we tend to build walls around ourselves, and those walls can present in many ways. Remember this always and practice patience. Those walls are there to protect that person and being invited behind them doesn’t happen easily. You are asking someone to be vulnerable, so please remember to lead by example. Be willing to be vulnerable yourself, about your own feelings and experiences. This is imperative if you want to create a safe space. And lastly, as in all relationships that we have, always use your empathy. Remember to feel it and convey it. You do not need to know what it’s like to be trans or gay, we all have experiences of feeling sad, or alone, or like an outsider. When speaking to someone in the LGBTQ2S+ community, hear their words as well as their feelings. Always let them know you are feeling empathy by responding with something that tells them. “That sucks”, “That sounds hard”, or “That takes great strength” are all ways we can let others know that we are feeling empathy. It takes effort to become a true Ally but know your life will be richer for knowing such diverse and incredible people. Check out Pride TO for more information about upcoming Pride events https://www.pridetoronto.com/ Sources GLADD. (2021). 10 Ways to be an ally & a friend. Retrieved from https://www.glaad.org/resources/ally/2 Youth Engaged 4 Change. (2021). Being an ally to LGBT people. Retrieved from https://engage.youth.gov/resources/being-ally-lgbt-people
Debunking Childhood Sexual Abuse Myths & LGBTQ+ Community
Debunking Childhood Sexual Abuse Myths & LGBTQ+ Community By: Maria Barcelos, MA, Executive Director & Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying) There are many myths surrounding childhood sexual abuse, including myths involving gender expression, sexual orientation, and potential offending behaviours. It is important to note that myths about CSA trauma further perpetuate survivors’ silence, shame, and guilt. Myths have the power to silence and further re-victimize survivors of childhood sexual abuse. It is imperative that as a healing community, we debunk myths by educating the public on the facts and truth regarding CSA survivors from many different communities, cultures, and faiths, including the LGBTQ+ community. The myths contained in this article are not an exhaustive list of myths pertaining to the LGBTQ+ community. As an LGBTQ+ ally, it is important to educate yourself on the various experiences of LGBTQ+ survivors. A more comprehensive list is included in both sources for this article. MYTH # 1: Gay men molest children at far higher rates than heterosexuals. FACT: According to the American Psychological Association, children are not more likely to be molested by LGBT parents or their LGBT friends or acquaintances. Gregory Herek, a professor at the University of California, Davis, who is one of the nation’s leading researchers on prejudice against sexual minorities, reviewed a series of studies and found no evidence that gay men molest children at higher rates than heterosexual men (Southern Poverty Law Center, 2021). MYTH # 2: Same-sex parents harm children. FACT: No legitimate research has demonstrated that same-sex couples are any more or any less harmful to children than heterosexual couples. MYTH# 3: Being raised by gay parents will cause kids to be gay. FACT: People do not choose who they are attracted to. Likewise, no one else can dictate our attractions—not even our parents. We certainly learn things about sexuality and relationships from observing our parents and other couples in society, but our own sexuality isn’t something we learned or have much if any, control over. Not much is known about why people are gay or not, but children’s sexual orientation is not determined by the sexuality of their parents. In fact, most gay people were raised by straight parents, and many children of gay parents grow up to be straight (Adoptions From The Heart, 2019). MYTH # 4: People become homosexual because they were sexually abused as children or there was a deficiency in sex-role modeling by their parents. FACT: No scientifically sound study has definitively linked sexual orientation or identity with parental role-modeling or childhood sexual abuse (Southern Poverty Law Center, 2021). The American Psychiatric Association noted in a 2000 fact sheet available on the Association of Gay and Lesbian Psychiatrists, that dealing with gay, lesbian, and bisexual issues, that sexual abuse does not appear to be any more prevalent among children who grow up and identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual than in children who grow up and identify as heterosexual (Southern Poverty Law Center, 2021). Sources Adoptions From The Heart. (2019). Debunking myths about LGBTQ parents. Retrieved from https://afth.org/debunking-myths-about-lgbtq-parents/ The Southern Poverty Law Center. (2021). 10 Anti-Gay myths debunked. Retrieved from https://www.splcenter.org/fighting-hate/intelligence-report/2011/10-anti-gay-myths-debunked
Partners & Support Persons of Survivors and the Healing Journey
Partners & Support Persons of Survivors and the Healing Journey The trauma of childhood sexual assault and child abuse, including the feelings of guilt, shame, fear, or anger that ensue are often brought into relationships, intimate and otherwise by survivors. For many survivors, childhood trauma is not something that is discussed until decades later. These experiences may leave the partners at a loss for how to help their survivor partner through their healing journey when they do disclose their story to them. Childhood sexual abuse trauma and other forms of child abuse have devastating impacts on various areas of our life. The behaviours and scenarios mentioned in this article are not meant to be an exhaustive list. Commonly areas such as trust, intimacy, control, safety, sexual boundaries, and sexual functioning may be affected. For survivors of childhood sexual abuse, a relationship may have periods of calm and happiness, where the survivor seems to be coping well and healing, however, these periods may quickly shift in opposite directions where the survivor may feel like they are just hanging on, and they may feel like trust and safety are lessening (Opening the Circle, 2021). If you are a partner of a survivor, you may have already noticed that survivors demonstrate avoidance and sometimes outright denial towards sharing their authentic thoughts and feelings with you. You may have already experienced survivors feeling triggered or even at times emotionally detached during various experiences including intimacy or other settings like family gatherings, especially when the offender or those that protected the offender may be present. For those with partners who suffered emotional abuse or neglect by their parents, these triggers may also be present, and the flight response may become activated in your survivor partner. Furthermore, survivors may also experience periods of anger. Through The Gatehouse programs, anger is explored as a secondary emotion, often concealing shame, guilt, fear, and other emotions that are not being talked about openly in the relationship. Moreover, survivors may demonstrate a range of emotions including being frozen or shut down, powerless, numb, or timid. They may avoid sexual situations and get trapped in a psychological aversion to intimacy which prevents them from working on the issues proactively. At the opposite end of the continuum, the survivor may instead seek out sex compulsively, and exhibit promiscuous behavior. Both are normal responses to the abuse that they have experienced (Opening the Circle, 2021). There is hope and healing is possible. Through proactive and supportive discussions, partners and survivors can relearn healthier ways to communicate and relate to one another. This process of sharing ourselves with others takes courage and the will to face our fears of being seen, being truly seen as human beings. Often survivors are faced with the fear that if their partner knows about their past, they will leave them or not accept them. Courage is a necessary element for one to stay on the newly formed path to one’s healing. Once the survivor and partner begin to explore the story and its impact on the relationship, the dynamics in the relationship shift. The old way of relating to one another is no longer possible. Courage is born our will to explore and appreciate our strengths and vulnerabilities. Courage initiates and supports our move away from a state of withholding. Withholding is simply a form of fear, which ties up our energies or converts unusable transformational energy into unusable constraining, confining energy. In essence, we become stuck. Courage allows us to move away from the withholding experience because I am free to express our fears and vulnerabilities. This is when we are at our strongest when we can voice our fears and vulnerabilities. – Arthur Lockhart, Founder, The Gatehouse This willingness to explore what is surfacing for each of us is something that is done by both partner and survivor. It is about recognizing each one’s capacity and willingness to talk about what we are experiencing in the relationship, learning new ways of relating to one another, and committing to continued behaviour change in responding to situations involving triggers, conflict, uncertainty, or fear. Most often, fear is a common emotion that both partners and survivors are experiencing as they start the process of open dialogue with one another. Here are some questions to consider when exploring fear. Reflect on a time when you were afraid to take the initiative on something, or stopped, froze, and refused to continue with an activity. Write about the following: What was the activity? What happened to your body? What happened to your voice? What happened to your thought process? References Opening the Circle. (2021). For partners of survivors of sexual abuse. Retrieved from http://www.openingthecircle.ca/defining-abuse/for-partners-of-survivors-of-sexual-abuse
Statement from Sabra Desai, Board Chair, on the discovery of 215 Indigenous children’s remains found at a former residential school on Tk’emlúps te Secwépemc First Nation in Kamloops, British Columbia
Statement from Sabra Desai, Chair of The Gatehouse, on the discovery of 215 Indigenous children being found at a former residential school on Tk’emlúps te Secwépemc First Nation in Kamloops, British Columbia, at the Kamloops Indian Residential school. On behalf of The Gatehouse its community of staff, volunteers, service users and donors, I want to express that we are appalled and deeply saddened to learn of the discovery of human remains of 215 Indigenous children at the Kamloops Indian Residential School. We share in the anger, disgust and grief felt by The Gatehouse Indigenous service users and volunteers and pledge to lend our support to all of our community members as we navigate the trauma and loss from this horrific, ghastly discovery and its intergenerational impact. This discovery of an unmarked gravesite for innocent Indigenous children removed from their parents as well as cultural communities died in the custody of public government sanctioned agents is a repulsive reminder of the violence of settler colonialism. This is Canada’s history and it underscores the urgent need for reconciliation and committing ourselves as a country and a people to stop the ongoing dispossession and violence of Indigenous Peoples since to this day dozens of Indigenous communities still do not have access to clean safe drinking water and Indigenous children are still dying in the care of Canada’s child welfare system. The Gatehouse community which is dedicated to social justice and healing through community connectivity pledges to be unwavering in our commitment to Indigenous communities across this vast country, Canada, in furthering reconciliation through our work. Resources: National Indian Residential School 24- hour Crisis Line for emotional and crisis referral: 1-866-925-4419 Indian Residential School Survivors Society Truth and Reconciliation Commission of Canada: Calls to Action United Nations Declaration on the Rights of Indigenous Peoples Sabra Desai MSW; RSW. Chair of The Gatehouse Board of Directors. 29 May, 2021.
Annual General Meeting – Thurs. June 24 at 4pm-5:30pm EST on Zoom
Good day, The Gatehouse Annual General Meeting will be taking place on Thursday, June 24th from 4 pm – 5:30 pm EST via Zoom online meetings. In order to vote at the AGM, your membership fee for 2021 must be paid. Register to confirm your attendance here Agenda: Providing an overview of 2020 activities Review and approval of financials Voting-in of Board members. Musical performance by Daniella Zarubica at this year’s event. Membership Cost: Membership is $10 per year. If you have not yet paid your membership fee for 2021, please go to http://thegatehouse.org/become-a-member/ to pay online using a credit card or PayPal. Once your membership fee is paid and confirmed you will receive a Zoom link to the AGM meeting. Benefits of being an official member of The Gatehouse As a member you will: Receive information about programs and services we offer Attend and vote at the annual general meeting every spring Connect with other persons in the community to procure in-kind services and possible donations Participate in volunteer activities in support of the Gatehouse based on your area of interest and expertise, for example fundraising initiatives, annual 5k run/walk, house maintenance, painting, landscaping, community awareness, conference planning, program development and research, social media, photography, film production. It’s your way to be involved in meaningful activities that address the trauma of childhood sexual abuse!
Impact of Childhood Sexual Abuse
Impact of Childhood Sexual Abuse on Survivors’ Sexual Behaviours. Psychological Functioning & Cognitive Development Excerpts from a research report written By: Camila Ruiz Tacha, Previous Placement Student, The Gatehouse, 2019 Child Sexual Abuse (CSA) is a prevalent issue in society, in which 8% to 31% of girls and 3% to 17% of boys have been sexually abused (Cited in Vrolijk-Bosschaart, Verlinden, Langendam, De Smet, Teeuw, Brilleslijper-Kater, and Lindauer, 2018). “Sexual abuse occurs when a person uses his/her power over a child and involves the child in any sexual act” (Rimer, & Prager, 2016). Experiencing this type of trauma during childhood can have devastating effects on a child, as traumatic experiences can alter the functioning of the brain (Rimer, & Prager, 2016). Thus, it is important to further explore the impact that sexual abuse can have on the growth and development of a child. It is important to note the traumatic outcomes that child sexual abuse has on a child’s sexual behavior, psychological functioning, and cognitive development. Sexual Behaviours Child sexual abuse impacts the way in which a child sexually behaves in accordance with their age. Child victims of sexual abuse may portray sexual behaviours in two ways; displaying sexual behaviours that are uncommon at their age and engaging in risky sexual behaviour later in adolescence or in adulthood. One of the most obvious signs in that a child has been sexually abused is when they began to exhibit sexual behaviours that are out of the norm (Latzman & Latzman 2015). To further understand how CAS impacts a child’s sexual behaviour, it is critical to further explore what abnormal sexual behaviours consist of. Children 5 – 12 years old who have been sexually abused tend to force their friends into sexual activity, draw sexualized images, re-enact adult sexual activities, sexualize all relationships and have unusual sexual knowledge (Rimer & Prager, 2016). Normal sexual behaviour for this age group, on the other hand, comprises of curiosity in sexuality (Rimer & Prager, 2016). An example of this could be asking questions like “where do babies come from?” As well, it could be wanting to learn the names of body parts (Rimer & Prager, 2016). This interest in sexuality is considered age-appropriate and normal coming from a child. Evidently, the way in which a child sexually behaves is truly impacted by being sexually abused as a child’s perceptions and preconceived ideas on what is sexually appropriate at their age is based on their experiences. Furthermore, children who have been sexually abused may partake in risky sexual behaviours in adolescence or adulthood (Latzman, and Latzman, 2015). Seeing as children who are sexually abused have a misconception on what healthy sexual relationships look like, due to what they have experienced, it is more likely that they engage in risky sexual behaviours that can negatively affect them in the future. According to van Roode, Dickson, Herbison, & amp; Paul, (2009), risky sexual behaviour is exhibited through early onset consensual sexual activity, unprotected intercourse, and having multiple sexual partners. These behaviours can lead to unwanted pregnancies, and sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Consequently, child victims of sexual abuse may not understand the repercussions for their sexual behaviours as a result of what they have been exposed to in their childhood. Therefore, child sexual abuse greatly affects how the victim sexually behaves not only as a child but later on in adolescence and adulthood. Psychological Functioning Moreover, child sexual abuse also influences a child’s psychological functioning. Psychological functioning refers to an individual’s capability in achieving goals within themselves and includes behaviour, emotion, social skills, and overall mental health (Preedy, & Watson, 2010). Being a victim of child sexual abuse can result in long-term psychological effects that can carry into adulthood (Güven, Dalgiç, & Erkol, 2018). Ultimately, a child’s mental health and self-esteem is greatly impacted after being exposed to sexual abuse. Mental health illnesses can arise following such a traumatic experience. Some of those illnesses include depression, eating disorders, anxiety, fear, and PTSD (most common) (Güven, Dalgiç, & Erkol, 2018). Unfortunately, these mental health illnesses can impact social functioning, and interfere with daily tasks. Additionally, seeing how stigmatized mental health is, may interfere with the child’s ability to seek help. Self-esteem is also another factor that is greatly altered at the experience of sexual abuse. Especially in childhood, a child’s self-esteem is critical, as it resonates with self-perception (Güven, Dalgiç, & Erkol, 2018). According to Roberto Maniglio, (2009), sexual abuse lowers self-esteem and in the long term, puts children and youth at risk for depression and suicidal ideation. Due to the self-perception being altered after being sexually abused, it is critical to recognize how a child’s self-esteem can be impacted, and how it can be transitioned into adolescence and adulthood. It is critical to understand that the psychological factors being affected can impact an individual’s relationships with themselves, peers, and family members. Cognitive Development The cognitive development of a child can also be affected if when they have been sexually abused. To further understand the implications of sexual abuse on cognitive development, it is critical to explore what defines it. In Jean Piaget’s stages of cognitive growth, school-aged children are at the concrete operational stage, where children are able to organize ideas and think logically (Steinberg, Bornstein, Vandell, & Rook, 2011). Cognitive development involves changes in intellectual abilities such as memory, thinking, reasoning, language, problem-solving, and decision-making (Steinberg, Bornstein, Vandell, & Rook, 2011). Unfortunately, when children are sexually abused, their intellectual abilities can be affected. Research has shown that those who have experienced child sexual abuse have a decrease in school performance, and their communication skills are jeopardized (Güven, Dalgiç, and Erkol, 2018). Furthermore, in a study done on school-aged girls by Daignault & Hébert (2009), it was reported that those who had experienced sexual abuse were affected in their vocabulary and knowledge and required additional academic services. Evidently, sexual abuse impacts a child’s cognitive development. Considering that in school-aged children their cognitive skills are still developing, having an impediment in academics
Grieving For A Lost Childhood
Grieving for a Lost Childhood By Maria Barcelos and Sherry Slejska For survivors of childhood sexual abuse, the pain associated with acknowledging the past, understanding it and accepting and then finally healing can simply be overwhelming. Finding meaningful and lasting healing typically involves grieving for the loss of a healthy childhood, the survivor’s innocence, and sense of self. Many suffer decades of loneliness and isolation, trying to cope with the shame, guilt, and fear of being vulnerable in relationships. Abuse is a violation of trust and once violated, survivors experience deepened shame and disconnection with self and others. ” It might come as no surprise that I revisited the idea of grief this week. When I was a participant at The Gatehouse, I was still rejecting the idea that it wasn’t my fault, so grieving certainly was an interesting idea but I wasn’t there. This weekend, I was able to celebrate the courageous little girl I was and say goodbye to the victim, and really open to the future. I thought I had found peace, but it was nothing like this version” – Sherry S., Peer Facilitator, The Gatehouse Many survivors kept the abuse secret – often threatened or guilted, and too young to understand what happened or to advocate for themselves when it occurred. The secret became ongoing silence, and silence gave way to self judgement which nurtured the abounding shame; that sense that “I am a mistake and that there is something very wrong about me.” These latter thoughts can be further reinforced especially if the survivor depended on the abuser (e.g., parent supporting them financially or survivor was manipulated to thinking the abuse was a form of love) and the impact even more challenging of they did come forward and were not believed. The shame that ensues following childhood sexual abuse may keep survivors bound to the past; mentally, physically, and emotionally. We often see evidence of this in daily behaviors and adaptive ways of perceiving and navigating life. Those that blame themselves for what happened may further isolate and can become dissociative, disconnection, and live on what on might call “survival mode” as fear and shame direct their decisions and actions. We often hear, “I had no idea my struggles were a direct consequence of childhood trauma.” It can take decades for survivors to come forward and break the silence, and by this time, many other losses and injuries have occurred, and they have likely struggled for many years. The losses experienced by a CSA survivor can be great. “My self-esteem suffered. My ability to make friendships and connect with others suffered. My ability to trust became skewed transaction-based thinking and understanding boundaries can be a near foreign idea” A common thought we hear about is “They are being nice to me, what do they want?” And people pleasing can become second nature as survivors either seek to avoid people or find safety around them. This is not an exhaustive description of the losses that survivors experience. Releasing the grasp of shame involves grieving for a lost childhood. Reconnecting with the inner child, the little person that lives in all of us. The little person that is sometimes screaming for help, frustrated, and needing attention, or sad and needing a hug. Grieving the various injuries suffered, and the losses experienced after the abuse. Grieving involves being validated for your strengths, your courage, and your wholeness as a person all of which comes from within. When a survivor accepts that it wasn’t their fault. The shame was not theirs to have and compassionately looks back at the child and all that little person’s lost, the healing can really start to take hold. “I can honestly say, after grieving the fullness of what was lost; from the tangible things like relationships, education and a meaningful career to the deeper stuff like poor self esteem, boundary impairment, emotional dysregulation and all that goes with not developing a wholeness of The Self, I’m finally good. I can breathe and say good-by to what was once a very painful past and be open to a future of possibilities.” – Sherry S., Peer Facilitator, The Gatehouse. Recommended Reads
Dissociation and Reconnection
Dissociation and Re-connection Written by: Brandon Miles, Practicum Student, Social Service Worker Program Many survivors of childhood sexual abuse and trauma experience dissociation. When the triggers happen, survivors may dissociate from reality to help them cope. Experiencing dissociation can feel like you are disconnected from your thoughts, feelings, and memories. It can impact your perception of time and it may feel like you are disconnected from the world. Dissociation can happen at any time, and in any place. Remembering traumatic events or times of your life that you don’t wish to remember may trigger a dissociative state. Other indications that you are experiencing dissociation includes feeling as if you are out of your body or you are a different person sometimes, and feelings of being emotionally numb or detached. The symptoms often and usually go away on their own and can be minutes to longer periods of time. Dissociation is often triggered by your fight or flight response. If you are experiencing dissociation, it may be helpful to reach out for some support from a mental health professional, your family healthcare team and or your peer support network. Here are some helpful tips to help reconnect with reality: Learning mindful breathing. When feeling a sense of dissociation, trying to focus on your breathing can help you bring back to the normal self and come back to “reality”. This also helps and sends signals to your body letting you know that you are safe and are alright. There are many different mindful breathing tools available online. A simple one can be to count to four in your mind as you inhale and count to four again as you exhale. Notice how the breath enters your body. Is it cool, warm? Try grounding movement-based activities. For example, Tai Chi or Yoga. Meditation may be helpful, especially guided meditations around topics of gratitude, self-worth, and autonomy. Focusing your mind to feelings of peace and gratefulness helps to shift the attention to feeling grounded. Keep a journal. This could be beneficial as you can right down unhelpful thoughts, identify triggers and ways to manage stressors. Spend time with your pet. An emotional support animal could be extremely beneficial. Having a pet that loves you unconditionally especially when you are feeling dissociative can bring your levels of stress down and can help you focus on being present. Go on nature walks. Being in nature has been scientifically proven to help calm your thoughts, and to help us stay grounded and more connected with the present moment. Dancing, singing, and music can also help us feel connected. Moving and listening to music can help us feel calmer, which in turn can help us be more connected with one’s self. These grounding techniques may help you lessen the frequency of dissociation and refocus to feeling safe in the present moment, build resilience, self-love, and grounding. You have the capacity to find the reconnection that you deserve, reconnecting with your inner child and learning to build your resilience and self-worth in community. YOU are YOU and you cannot be anyone else on this planet. Your past does not define who you are. You are worthy of connection, love and belonging. Recommended Reads:
What is Oppositional Defiant Disorder and How Can I Help my Child with ODD?
What is Oppositional Defiant Disorder and How Can I Help my Child with ODD? A Review of Dr. Gina Antencio-McLean, PsyD Book “Overcoming Oppositional Defiant Disorder: A Two-Part Treatment Plan to Help Parents and Kids Work Together” By: Maria Barcelos, MA, Executive Director The Gatehouse How Can I help My Child when they are diagnosed with Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD)? As a parent, being able to help my children feel safe, manage difficult emotions, adapt to life transitions and build self-confidence, and resilience is of utmost importance to me. Many parents struggle with shame-based thinking of not being good enough in general, and intensified shame at not being a good enough parent. These thoughts are further exacerbated when your child presents with additional needs, such as ODD. Having a child with different needs requires us to do some unlearning of unhelpful behaviours and learning of healthier ways to respond to be better able to support our children. This article is a brief review of Dr. Gina Antencio-McLean’s book “Overcoming Oppositional Defiant Disorder: A Two-Part Treatment Plan to Help Parents and Kids Work Together.” As a parent, I highly recommend this resource for any caregiver who is struggling to find other ways to respond and support their child. Ramke (n.d.) noted that all children can be oppositional or defiant at times. However, what distinguishes ODD from normal oppositional behavior is how severe it is, and how long it has been going on for. A child with ODD will have had extreme behavior issues for at least six months. ODD is usually diagnosed around early elementary school ages. Children with ODD have a well-established pattern of behavioural responses, which can include: Being unusually angry and irritable Frequently losing their temper Being easily annoyed Arguing with authority figures Refusing to follow rules Deliberately annoying people Blaming others for mistakes Being vindictive Dr. Antencio-McLean reminds every parent that children with ODD are not bad kids. They are doing the best they can. Children with ODD may have increased challenges being flexible and adaptable to changes in their environment. This is why you might notice that your ODD child behaves differently at school then they do at home. As a parent, educating yourself on what inspires your child is a critical step in learning valuable life skills. It is important to emulate positive reinforcement for whatever behaviour you are trying to encourage them to change. For example, loading the dishwasher may start with the child taking their plate and placing it on the kitchen counter. Acknowledging them for their help with the dishes is a good start. Many behaviours may be difficult for your child. However, it is important to reinforce for yourself as a parent, that your child is a good kid and has the capacity to learn. They may need more time, positive reinforcement and patience to do so. Opportunities for positively reinforcing favourable behaviours involve recognizing them when they are making small changes. Small changes lead to bigger changes over time. Furthermore, identifying which skills your child needs to help them meet their goals is critical for your child to feel supported, heard and validated. Dr. Antencio-McLean reinforces that children need to learn how to regulate their emotions and how to self-soothe. This is a foundational goal in helping children with ODD to regulate emotional states. Identifying feelings is the first step in the emotional regulation process. We learn to self-soothe from our own parents or other caregivers as children. As survivors of childhood sexual abuse, we may have been further presented with unhelpful modelling behaviours by our parents. For example, not being able to talk about our feelings, being judged or criticized. It is important that we also continue to work on our own responses to trauma to further be able to model healthier responses for our children. Dr. Antencio-McLean reminds us that some children need further help to calm themselves. Children with ODD may be more sensitive and need further support to self-regulate and soothe unhelpful sensations they are experiencing. She highlights behaviour change takes time and practice and that practicing in those times of calm will be most beneficial to helping our children learn to regulate emotions as our brains learn best when we are calm. For example, identifying a feeling and rating its intensity can be quite helpful for you and your child to identify what is happening for them in the moment. Using deep breathing or identifying some items in the home or school environment to help distract them to these items that are safe may help. E.g., How are you feeling? What level of intensity 1 low to 10 high? Let’s shift our focus to something colourful in our home that we like. How many blue things do you notice in the living room? Name one green item that you can see. Another helpful strategy can be to pass an ice cube from hand to hand to refocus on the cold sensation and minimize the emotional intensity. Regular exercise and socialization with friends help them stay present in the moment, which can be helpful for self-regulation. This is not an exhaustive list. Dr. Antencio-McLean noted that not every tool will be applicable to every person. As survivors of childhood sexual abuse, we can be hard on ourselves and further reinforce the “I am not good enough belief” in times of stress. This is an opportune time for us to redirect our attention to the fact that we are trying to help our child (and sometimes at the same time, our own inner child who is struggling with the very difficult emotions of confusion, grief or sadness that our children struggle with). Be kind to yourself and your child. Changing behaviour is not something that happens overnight. It takes time, patience and repetition. As parents, we have firsthand experience and awareness as to what problematic behaviour our child is displaying. Awareness is key to identifying what behaviours are needing change. Take some time to reflect on
Art Show Fundraiser
Excited to share Kingsway-Lambton United Church #artshow For 10 days, from Friday, March 19 to Sunday, March 28, 2021. they will be hosting their annual Art Show Fundraiser. Now online! For more info visit www.kingswaylambton.ca/artshow #showart #artshows #artshow #fundraiserevent #charityfundraiser #artfundraiser #virtualfundraiser #fundraiserfun Proceeds from the event support local charities including The Gatehouse. Thank you to the tireless efforts of the Kingsway Lambton team, who year after year, organize this event to help their local community.