Recognizing & Establishing Boundaries Written by: Christina Di Nola, B.A., Addictions, and Mental Health Graduate Certificate Program (C), The Gatehouse Practicum Student Boundaries help us remember where we end, and another person begins. Boundaries are made up of physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual dimensions that are influenced by internal and external forces (The Gatehouse, 2020). They help protect us. What is okay? What is not okay? What do you want? Your body, your feelings, your emotions, and your boundaries belong to you and make you, you.   Childhood sexual abuse can leave scars that can last a lifetime. It can affect your ability to trust, your self-esteem, and the way you understand and implement your own boundaries. It affects how we interact with the world and the people around us. If you are a survivor or have experienced any trauma, you may be less likely to defend yourself and your boundaries (Concepcion, 2017). Survivors often have a hard time saying “no” and try to please and appease others, even if it makes them uncomfortable or it’s outside of their personal boundaries.  There are positive and negative boundaries (The Gatehouse, 2020). For example, a negative boundary is going against personal values or rights to please others. A positive boundary would be ensuring that your values are non-negotiable in your relationship(s). Another negative boundary is being overwhelmed by or preoccupied with a person. A positive boundary is acknowledging your ability to compartmentalize other areas of your life and functioning within them.  At The Gatehouse, we discuss three types of boundaries in the Phase 1 Peer Support program. With positive boundaries in place, there is an easily identifiable line between partners. They are connected and have an impact on each other’s life, yet independent. Boundaries are flexible in that they grow and change. Both intimacy and safety are promoted within a healthy relationship. Compared to positive boundaries, it is difficult to distinguish between partners in a relationship with collapsed boundaries. Also known as enmeshment, partners seek to lose themselves in the other or expect their partner to become lost in them. Enmeshment can lead to infringement of boundaries, violation, and abuse. Rigid boundaries tend to be like walls that prevent true intimacy within a relationship. There is little emotional connection – an emotionally detached relationship.    Setting boundaries gives us freedom and choices. We are taking responsibility when we set positive boundaries. It is about discipline, not punishment for us or others (The Gatehouse, 2020). Here are some tips for setting healthy boundaries from The Gatehouse Phase 1 Peer Support manual:  Identify and respect our needs, feelings, opinions, and rights. We need to identify these to define ourselves in relation to others.  Overcome self-esteem and passivity and assertively take care of ourselves in relationships. Learning to establish clear and positive boundaries must be an important goal on your healing journey and in your personal growth.  Develop a support system of people who respect you and your right to set boundaries – eliminate toxic people from your life.  References  Concepcion, M. (2017). Interpersonal boundaries: How trauma keeps us silent. Retrieved from   https://www.lifeworkspsychotherapy.com/interpersonal-boundaries-trauma-keeps-us-silent/   The Gatehouse. (2020). Phase 1 peer support group program participant manual.  

Mental Health & Sexual Abuse Written by: Allison Van Kessel, Graduate Student, B.A. Practicum Student Childhood sexual abuse (CSA) and any other sexual abuse can result in a number of mental health issues spanning across childhood, teenage years, and adulthood as well. Many survivors may struggle with not feeling like themselves, and may feel as if their body is not what they remember previous to the abuse (Good Therapy, 2019). Survivors have been known to develop mental illnesses due to the trauma they experienced such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, personality disorders, and/or dissociative disorders, as well as possible eating disorders (Good Therapy, 2019). This is not to say that every survivor of childhood sexual abuse is going to develop these issues, because that is not the case for everyone, as every individual survivor is unique and tells a different story. The reason it is important to educate survivors on this information is due to the fact that although not all survivors experience a mental illness or struggle, they are at a higher risk of developing such problems (Canadian Mental Health Association, 2013). Some common experiences for survivors may be shame, guilt, loss of autonomy, anxiety, fear, intense memories, loss of memory, personality disruptions and attachment issues among others (Good Therapy, 2019). You are never alone in feeling these things, and there are many other survivors at The Gatehouse who can speak to you about these feelings, and facilitators who are survivors themselves who can relate. You are not broken or weak just because you have developed mental health concerns after the abuse, and you are just coping in any way you know how to and that is okay. Coping with sexual abuse can result in some addictions concerns as well, and it is important to understand as a survivor that this may be your body’s way of trying to find ways to cope, such as becoming dependent on drugs or alcohol due to their numbing effects (Good Therapy, 2019). Some other ways that survivors of childhood sexual abuse can be affected is regarding their well-being, such as in the areas of trust, self-esteem, coping with stress, impulsivity, anger, dissociation and self-harm. These are all common reactions to trauma, and learning how to cope with these problems and live your life in a safe way is extremely important in the steps to healing and growing (Canadian Mental Health Association, 2013). When it comes to self-esteem, it is important to remember that the abuse was not your fault, and that you can feel good about yourself after an abuse (Canadian Mental Health Association, 2013). With anger, some grounding techniques such as clenching your fists, curling your toes or even just practicing deep breathing and mindfulness can help to calm your body before acting impulsively, and these grounding techniques can be applied to other mental illness concerns as well such as anxiety you may feel regarding the abuse. Lastly, there are also concerns that may arise regarding sexual relationships or intimate relationships, as trust issues are common after CSA (Hall & Hall, 2011). It can be difficult to believe that you are safe in another relationship if you trusted your perpetrator or if they were someone you loved, but again it is important to remember that you are not alone in these feelings and there is healing to be done when you are ready. Survivors of childhood sexual abuse are at a higher risk of developing mental health concerns or other problems after the abuse, but that does not mean that as a survivor you will always develop one of these concerns. There are many grounding techniques and practices you can work through both at The Gatehouse or alone that will help to keep you safe and well while you work through your healing journey. You are not alone. You are worthy. You can heal. References   Canadian Mental Health Association, BC Division. (2013). Childhood Sexual Abuse: A Mental Health Issue. https://www.heretohelp.bc.ca/infosheet/childhood-sexual-abuse-a-mental-health-issue#how Good Therapy. (2019). Sexual Assault/Abuse. Retreived from: https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/sexual-abuse Hall, M. and Hall, J. (2011). The Long-Term Effects of Childhood Sexual Abuse: Counseling Implications. Retreived from: https://www.counseling.org/docs/disaster-and-trauma_sexual-abuse/long-term-effects-of-childhood-sexual-abuse.pdf?sfvrsn=2

How to be an Ally to the LGBTQ+ Community Written By: Maria Barcelos, MA, Executive Director &  Ian Kelly, Peer Support Facilitator LGBTQ+ Community Member This June, we stand in solidarity with the LGBTQ+ community and ask our members to also be allies. Being an ally takes many forms, including standing up to prejudice against the LGBTQ+ community, advocating for LGBTQ+ rights and access to services, showing pride support by sharing events and information about LGBTQ+, listening with empathy and non-judgment (Youth Engaged 4 Change, 2021). Many LGBTQ+ survivors of childhood sexual abuse face additional barriers to disclosing their trauma history. From encountering additional prejudice and judgment because of LGBTQ+ myths surrounding sexuality, gender expression, and CSA trauma to not finding safe and inclusive spaces to share their story to facing disparaging comments or outright biased criticism via online platforms.  As allies, we believe that all people, regardless of gender identity and sexual orientation, should be treated with dignity and respect (GLADD, 2021). Our gratitude to all our LGBTQ+ members and facilitators that help other survivors find their voice.  Special thanks to Ian Kelly, Facilitator and LGBTQ+ community member who has been a long-time facilitator, advocate, and supporter of The Gatehouse.  Most recently, Ian was awarded a  2021 Victims Services Award of Distinction for his dedication and commitment to helping survivors of trauma heal in the community.  Becoming an Ally to someone who is a part of the LGBTQ2S+ community is all or nothing.  If you want to create a space for them, where they feel they can be fully honest and open, it’s important to be aware that saying even one thing wrong can make them feel unsafe instantly.  With this in mind, and knowing that none of us are perfect, one of the most important first steps to becoming an Ally is to start out by being open to hearing when you have made an error.  We all have blind spots and can display microaggressions.  Opportunities that allow us to apologize and learn, go a long way to creating a feeling of safety.  If you use an incorrect pronoun or blurt out a microaggression, be open to hearing about it.   And use this, not only to be able to apologize but also to learn and to use your capacity for empathy.  Ask questions.  “How does it feel for you when someone mis-genders you?”  “Do you hear these things a lot?”  “Are there kinds of discrimination you experience that hurt more than others?”  Listening to someone goes a long way to validate their feelings and their experience.  So, start out by simply saying, “I might screw up, please let me know if I do and let’s talk.”  An important foundation to being an Ally is to know that it is not important to understand everything that person is experiencing and feeling.  And it is no one’s job to help you understand and therefore explain everything to you.  It is only important that you accept the person, their feelings, and the experiences that they have had.  It is a heavy burden for someone to feel they need to explain themselves.  With that feeling of acceptance, conversations may happen, and they might feel safe enough to give you more information.  Realize that many people who are in the community have experienced trauma.  This trauma can come in many forms like bullying, physical assault, as well as sexual abuse.  One of the effects of trauma is that we tend to build walls around ourselves, and those walls can present in many ways.  Remember this always and practice patience.  Those walls are there to protect that person and being invited behind them doesn’t happen easily.  You are asking someone to be vulnerable, so please remember to lead by example.  Be willing to be vulnerable yourself, about your own feelings and experiences.  This is imperative if you want to create a safe space.  And lastly, as in all relationships that we have, always use your empathy.  Remember to feel it and convey it.  You do not need to know what it’s like to be trans or gay, we all have experiences of feeling sad, or alone, or like an outsider.  When speaking to someone in the LGBTQ2S+ community, hear their words as well as their feelings. Always let them know you are feeling empathy by responding with something that tells them.  “That sucks”, “That sounds hard”, or “That takes great strength” are all ways we can let others know that we are feeling empathy.  It takes effort to become a true Ally but know your life will be richer for knowing such diverse and incredible people. Check out Pride TO for more information about upcoming Pride events https://www.pridetoronto.com/ Sources GLADD. (2021). 10 Ways to be an ally & a friend. Retrieved from https://www.glaad.org/resources/ally/2 Youth Engaged 4 Change. (2021). Being an ally to LGBT people. Retrieved from https://engage.youth.gov/resources/being-ally-lgbt-people

Debunking Childhood Sexual Abuse Myths & LGBTQ+ Community By: Maria Barcelos, MA, Executive Director & Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying) There are many myths surrounding childhood sexual abuse, including myths involving gender expression, sexual orientation, and potential offending behaviours. It is important to note that myths about CSA trauma further perpetuate survivors’ silence, shame, and guilt. Myths have the power to silence and further re-victimize survivors of childhood sexual abuse. It is imperative that as a healing community, we debunk myths by educating the public on the facts and truth regarding CSA survivors from many different communities, cultures, and faiths, including the LGBTQ+ community. The myths contained in this article are not an exhaustive list of myths pertaining to the LGBTQ+ community. As an LGBTQ+ ally, it is important to educate yourself on the various experiences of LGBTQ+ survivors. A more comprehensive list is included in both sources for this article. MYTH # 1: Gay men molest children at far higher rates than heterosexuals. FACT: According to the American Psychological Association, children are not more likely to be molested by LGBT parents or their LGBT friends or acquaintances. Gregory Herek, a professor at the University of California, Davis, who is one of the nation’s leading researchers on prejudice against sexual minorities, reviewed a series of studies and found no evidence that gay men molest children at higher rates than heterosexual men (Southern Poverty Law Center, 2021). MYTH # 2: Same-sex parents harm children. FACT: No legitimate research has demonstrated that same-sex couples are any more or any less harmful to children than heterosexual couples. MYTH# 3: Being raised by gay parents will cause kids to be gay. FACT: People do not choose who they are attracted to. Likewise, no one else can dictate our attractions—not even our parents. We certainly learn things about sexuality and relationships from observing our parents and other couples in society, but our own sexuality isn’t something we learned or have much if any, control over. Not much is known about why people are gay or not, but children’s sexual orientation is not determined by the sexuality of their parents. In fact, most gay people were raised by straight parents, and many children of gay parents grow up to be straight (Adoptions From The Heart, 2019). MYTH # 4: People become homosexual because they were sexually abused as children or there was a deficiency in sex-role modeling by their parents. FACT: No scientifically sound study has definitively linked sexual orientation or identity with parental role-modeling or childhood sexual abuse (Southern Poverty Law Center, 2021). The American Psychiatric Association noted in a 2000 fact sheet available on the Association of Gay and Lesbian Psychiatrists, that dealing with gay, lesbian, and bisexual issues, that sexual abuse does not appear to be any more prevalent among children who grow up and identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual than in children who grow up and identify as heterosexual (Southern Poverty Law Center, 2021). Sources Adoptions From The Heart. (2019). Debunking myths about LGBTQ parents. Retrieved from https://afth.org/debunking-myths-about-lgbtq-parents/ The Southern Poverty Law Center. (2021). 10 Anti-Gay myths debunked. Retrieved from https://www.splcenter.org/fighting-hate/intelligence-report/2011/10-anti-gay-myths-debunked

Partners & Support Persons of Survivors and the Healing Journey The trauma of childhood sexual assault and child abuse, including the feelings of guilt, shame, fear, or anger that ensue are often brought into relationships, intimate and otherwise by survivors. For many survivors, childhood trauma is not something that is discussed until decades later. These experiences may leave the partners at a loss for how to help their survivor partner through their healing journey when they do disclose their story to them. Childhood sexual abuse trauma and other forms of child abuse have devastating impacts on various areas of our life. The behaviours and scenarios mentioned in this article are not meant to be an exhaustive list. Commonly areas such as trust, intimacy, control, safety, sexual boundaries, and sexual functioning may be affected. For survivors of childhood sexual abuse, a relationship may have periods of calm and happiness, where the survivor seems to be coping well and healing, however, these periods may quickly shift in opposite directions where the survivor may feel like they are just hanging on, and they may feel like trust and safety are lessening (Opening the Circle, 2021). If you are a partner of a survivor, you may have already noticed that survivors demonstrate avoidance and sometimes outright denial towards sharing their authentic thoughts and feelings with you. You may have already experienced survivors feeling triggered or even at times emotionally detached during various experiences including intimacy or other settings like family gatherings, especially when the offender or those that protected the offender may be present. For those with partners who suffered emotional abuse or neglect by their parents, these triggers may also be present, and the flight response may become activated in your survivor partner. Furthermore, survivors may also experience periods of anger. Through The Gatehouse programs, anger is explored as a secondary emotion, often concealing shame, guilt, fear, and other emotions that are not being talked about openly in the relationship. Moreover, survivors may demonstrate a range of emotions including being frozen or shut down, powerless, numb, or timid. They may avoid sexual situations and get trapped in a psychological aversion to intimacy which prevents them from working on the issues proactively. At the opposite end of the continuum, the survivor may instead seek out sex compulsively, and exhibit promiscuous behavior. Both are normal responses to the abuse that they have experienced (Opening the Circle, 2021). There is hope and healing is possible. Through proactive and supportive discussions, partners and survivors can relearn healthier ways to communicate and relate to one another. This process of sharing ourselves with others takes courage and the will to face our fears of being seen, being truly seen as human beings. Often survivors are faced with the fear that if their partner knows about their past, they will leave them or not accept them. Courage is a necessary element for one to stay on the newly formed path to one’s healing.  Once the survivor and partner begin to explore the story and its impact on the relationship, the dynamics in the relationship shift. The old way of relating to one another is no longer possible. Courage is born our will to explore and appreciate our strengths and vulnerabilities.  Courage initiates and supports our move away from a state of withholding.  Withholding is simply a form of fear, which ties up our energies or converts unusable transformational energy into unusable constraining, confining energy.  In essence, we become stuck. Courage allows us to move away from the withholding experience because I am free to express our fears and vulnerabilities.  This is when we are at our strongest when we can voice our fears and vulnerabilities. – Arthur Lockhart, Founder, The Gatehouse This willingness to explore what is surfacing for each of us is something that is done by both partner and survivor. It is about recognizing each one’s capacity and willingness to talk about what we are experiencing in the relationship, learning new ways of relating to one another, and committing to continued behaviour change in responding to situations involving triggers, conflict, uncertainty, or fear. Most often, fear is a common emotion that both partners and survivors are experiencing as they start the process of open dialogue with one another. Here are some questions to consider when exploring fear. Reflect on a time when you were afraid to take the initiative on something, or stopped, froze, and refused to continue with an activity.  Write about the following: What was the activity? What happened to your body?  What happened to your voice?  What happened to your thought process? References Opening the Circle. (2021). For partners of survivors of sexual abuse. Retrieved from http://www.openingthecircle.ca/defining-abuse/for-partners-of-survivors-of-sexual-abuse

Good day, The Gatehouse Annual General Meeting will be taking place on Thursday, June 24th from 4 pm – 5:30 pm EST via Zoom online meetings. In order to vote at the AGM, your membership fee for 2021 must be paid.  Register to confirm your attendance here Agenda:  Providing an overview of 2020 activities Review and approval of financials Voting-in of Board members. Musical performance by Daniella Zarubica at this year’s event.  Membership Cost: Membership is $10 per year. If you have not yet paid your membership fee for 2021, please go to http://thegatehouse.org/become-a-member/ to pay online using a credit card or PayPal. Once your membership fee is paid and confirmed you will receive a Zoom link to the AGM meeting.  Benefits of being an official member of The Gatehouse As a member you will: Receive information about programs and services we offer Attend and vote at the annual general meeting every spring Connect with other persons in the community to procure in-kind services and possible donations Participate in volunteer activities in support of the Gatehouse based on your area of interest and expertise, for example fundraising initiatives, annual 5k run/walk, house maintenance, painting, landscaping, community awareness, conference planning, program development and research, social media, photography, film production.  It’s your way to be involved in meaningful activities that address the trauma of childhood sexual abuse!