Survivors of childhood sexual abuse often struggle with feelings of shame, which can be deeply ingrained and challenging to overcome. Below are strategies that can help lessen feelings of shame and guilt: Education: Learning about the psychological effects of childhood sexual abuse can help survivors understand that their feelings of shame are common reactions to trauma, not personal failures. Self-Compassion: Practicing self-compassion involves treating oneself with kindness and understanding, rather than self-criticism. This can help survivors counteract feelings of shame with self-acceptance and empathy. Identifying Triggers: Recognizing situations, people, or thoughts that trigger feelings of shame can empower survivors to take proactive steps to avoid or manage these triggers. Setting Boundaries: Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries in relationships can help survivors protect themselves from situations that contribute to feelings of shame or re-traumatization. Mindfulness and Grounding Techniques: Techniques such as mindfulness meditation or grounding exercises can help survivors stay present in the moment and manage overwhelming feelings of shame or distress. Connecting with Supportive Communities: Engaging with support groups or online communities for survivors of childhood sexual abuse can provide validation, understanding, and encouragement from others who have similar experiences. Creative Expression: Art, writing, music, or other forms of creative expression can offer survivors a way to process and express their feelings of shame in a safe and constructive manner. Self-Care: Engaging in activities that promote physical, emotional, and mental well-being, such as exercise, spending time in nature, or practicing hobbies, can help survivors build resilience and reduce the impact of shame. Challenging Negative Beliefs: Cognitive-behavioral techniques can help survivors identify and challenge negative beliefs about themselves that contribute to feelings of shame, replacing them with more realistic and compassionate self-perceptions. Cognitive-behavioral techniques can be invaluable in helping survivors address and overcome feelings of shame by targeting negative beliefs about themselves. Below are some techniques commonly used in cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) that can aid in this process: Identifying Negative Beliefs: Survivors can work with a therapist to identify the negative beliefs they hold about themselves that contribute to feelings of shame. These beliefs may be ingrained and automatic, so recognizing them is the first step toward challenging them. Examining Evidence: Once negative beliefs are identified, survivors can examine the evidence that supports or contradicts these beliefs. Often, individuals find that their negative beliefs are based on distorted perceptions or past experiences that are no longer relevant. Challenging Cognitive Distortions: CBT helps survivors recognize and challenge cognitive distortions, such as all-or-nothing thinking, overgeneralization, and catastrophizing. By challenging these distortions, survivors can develop a more balanced and realistic view of themselves. Generating Alternative Thoughts: Survivors can work on generating alternative, more compassionate thoughts to replace their negative beliefs. For example, instead of thinking, “I am worthless,” they might replace that thought with, “I am deserving of love and respect.” Behavioral Experiments: Survivors can conduct behavioral experiments to test the validity of their negative beliefs. For example, if someone believes they are unlovable, they might experiment by reaching out to friends or family members for support and observing the positive responses they receive. Developing Coping Strategies: CBT equips survivors with coping strategies to manage and challenge negative beliefs when they arise. This may include techniques such as mindfulness, relaxation exercises, and self-compassion practices. Reframing Perspectives: Survivors can learn to reframe their experiences in a more positive light. This involves shifting the focus from self-blame and shame to recognizing their strengths, resilience, and capacity for growth. Building Self-Compassion: CBT emphasizes the importance of self-compassion in overcoming shame. Survivors can learn to treat themselves with kindness and understanding, rather than harsh self-judgment. Join The Gatehouse Phase 1 – Out of the Darkness: Into the Light Program today! Click here for more information
Empowering Survivors: Overcoming Shame and Guilt
Empowering Survivors into Overcoming Shame and Guilt Written by: Beatriz Cruz, Social Service Worker (Diploma), Previous Practicum Student Empowerment can be a useful tool in supporting survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse and in overcoming the shame and guilt associated with these experiences. In my experience as a placement student at The Gatehouse I have come across a few participants who mention having a lack of support from others and how this contributes to their internalization of shame and guilt and owning their abuse. Dorahy and Clearwater (2012), refer to shame as how people perceive themselves and how they believe they are perceived by others, and note that shame is associated with hostility and self-deprecating beliefs and reactions of the self. Furthermore, dissociation also plays a role in the regulation or elimination of feelings of shame (Dorahy and Clearwater, 2012). Guilt, on the other hand, is associated with self-evaluation and arises when an individual believes that they are breaking a social or moral code or violating their own beliefs (Dohary and Clearwater, 2012). Survivors of childhood sexual abuse often believe they are to blame for their experiences, which further allows for feelings of guilt and shame to persist. This is where empowerment comes in to work on those feelings of shame and form newer and more positive notions of the self. Moreover, empowerment in relation to survivors of childhood sexual abuse refers to the restoration of the individual’s self-control and well-being, and it can come from the individual and/or other supports (Itsaranuwat et al., 2021). Empowerment can come from the self via mindfulness meditation, in which one is able to cognitively reframe past and current experiences by becoming aware of negative and unhelpful thoughts associated with shame and guilt, and practice replacing them with more supportive and empathetic ones (Whitaker, 2017). In addition, part of self-empowerment may include recognizing a need for additional help with these thoughts and feelings and taking an additional step by reaching out to a professional or safe person to confide in. Empowering a survivor of childhood sexual abuse may look like this: Showing the survivor that you believe them and what they have experienced Actively listening to what the survivor has to say with no opinionated commentary Providing a safe space by acknowledging the survivor’s feelings Acknowledging their strength and courage in reaching out Thanking the survivor for confiding in you with their experience Encouraging decision-making regarding problems that allow survivors to regain their power/reclaim their voice, but ultimately leaving the power to decide and/or choose the course of action to the survivor (Itsaranuwat et al., 2021) Lastly, it is important to recognize survivors’ feelings regarding their sense of shame and guilt, however, it may be beneficial to remind them that what they experienced was not their fault. The last time I mentioned to a participant that they were not to blame for their abuse, this individual related back to me that they had not heard that sentence coming from someone else in a very long time and that they experienced a sense of relief upon hearing it. It may not sound like much, but it can mean a lot for survivors who experience self-blame along with shame and guilt. References Dorahy, M. J., & Clearwater, K. (2012). Shame and guilt in men exposed to childhood sexual abuse: A qualitative investigation. Journal of Child Sexual Abuse, 21(2), 155–175. https://doi.org/10.1080/10538712.2012.659803 Itsaranuwat, W., Pathumcharoenwattana, W., & Ua-amnoey, J. (2021). Empowerment to Sexual Assault Survivors: The Role of Family and Trustworthy Person. Psychology and Education Journal, 58(4), 2079–2084. Retrieved from http://psychologyandeducation.net/pae/index.php/pae/article/view/4977/4351. Whitaker, J. (2020, January 30). How to empower yourself to overcome shame. Mindful Ways to Wellness. Retrieved April 4, 2023, from https://www.mindfulwaystowellness.com/post/how-to-empower-yourself-to-overcome-shame
Learning to say NO and not feel guilty about it!
Written by: Sienna Wallwork, BSc. Family & Community Social Services, Program Assistant Saying No without Guilt Whether we like it or not, there will always come a time when we have to say no to something that is requested of us. We may not have the mental or physical energy, or it is just simply something we cannot do. This can be especially challenging when it is a person we are close to or care deeply for, as we do not want to let those around us down. It is very common to have feelings of guilt after saying no, but you should be aware that you have not done anything wrong and therefore have nothing to feel guilty for. We all have boundaries and limits, and there are simply some things that we cannot do. If someone asks you to do something and you are unable to (for any reason), you should not feel bad saying no. It is important to take care of yourself, and self-care is not selfish. By saying no you are protecting yourself and your energy, and saving it for later tasks. It is very easy to feel guilty when saying no because we feel like we are letting down or hurting the other person. It is important to keep in mind that by saying no, you are not causing any harm to the other person. Although they may have wanted you to do something, at the end of the day you are still your own person who possesses the right to say no. Reduce Your Guilt When Saying No There are ways to reduce your guilt when saying no. First, try to tap into your emotions and figure out the source of your guilt. Are you feeling like you let them down? Like you owe them something? Once you are able to identify the source of the guilt, you can address it to prevent it from occurring again (Kaveh, 2021). Second, it is important to remember the upsides of saying no. By saying no to someone else, you are allowing yourself more room for the tasks and things that are important to you. This is important for your well-being and self-care, so try not to feel bad for prioritizing yourself. Finally, you should do your best to say no without apologizing. Although you may feel bad, you can offer an explanation without apologizing. Try not to say sorry because you do not have anything to be sorry for, and if you continue to apologize when you say no you are reinforcing the idea that you “should” feel bad (Hendriksen, 2020). Overall, it is important to remember that saying no is a skill. Like any other skill, it will take time to develop. If you are kind and patient with yourself, remind yourself why you are saying no and why it is okay to, and do your best to not apologize for putting yourself first, you may find it easier to develop this skill with time (Kaveh, 2021). References Hendriksen, E. (2020, March 17). How to say no (without feeling guilty). Retrieved July 22, 2022, from https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/health-fitness/mental-health/how-to-say-no-without-feeling-guilty?page=1 Kaveh, D. L. (2021, December 4). A therapist shares 10 tips to stop feeling guilty about saying “no”. YourTango. Retrieved July 22, 2022, from https://www.yourtango.com/experts/washington-psychological-wellness/how-to-say-no-without-feeling-guilty
Boundaries and Self-Worth
Boundaries and Self-Worth Written By: Amy Tai, Community and Justice Services (diploma), Program Assistant Your level of self-worth is directly correlated to the boundaries you set for yourself. In fact, boundary setting is a powerful act of self-care. The more you realize your self-worth, the more able you are to create and stick to your boundaries. Merriam-Webster defines self-worth as “a feeling that you are a good person who deserves to be treated with respect”. In other words, having a good sense of self-worth means you believe that you deserve to be treated with respect. If you don’t believe you are worthy of respect, you won’t believe you are worthy of having your boundaries respected. This can translate to allowing a lot of toxic and disrespectful behaviours and patterns to continue because you are of the belief that you don’t deserve to be treated better. Creating a greater sense of self-worth can help you set boundaries that you believe you are worthy of. Here are a few ways to cultivate a greater sense of self-worth: Build self-understanding. Learn who you are, what you want, and what you need. Think about the things you like most about yourself, the things you like least, a time you were proud of yourself, a time others were proud of you. What brings you joy and fulfillment, and what leaves you feeling empty and drained? What do you struggle most with? What are you afraid of? Answering these questions will help you to better understand who you are. Build self- acceptance. While the first step involved a lot of positive thinking about yourself, it also tackled some areas in which you may feel you need to improve. The first step to self-acceptance is to forgive yourself for these struggles and fears that can hold you back. Think about all the things you listed while answering the above questions, and accept yourself for all that you are – fears and struggles included. Once you have accepted yourself for who you are, you can learn to love and care for yourself in the most intentional way. Recognize your self-worth. You have just tackled some big questions and truths and it is so important that you acknowledge and recognize the courage and work that it took to get here. Remember, you have the power within you to inspire change – you never have to settle for less than what you deserve. Your value comes from the inside, from all these little things that make you, you! And no one has the power to take that away from you. You get to decide for yourself what you do and don’t deserve. You have the power to set the tone for which others are to treat you. So, get to know yourself, know your worth, and create boundaries so that you never have to settle for less than what you deserve. As Brene Brown explained, “daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others. We can’t base our worthiness on others’ approval. Only when we believe, deep down, that we are enough can we say “Enough!” (Brown, 2013). References Brown, B. B. (2013, August 20). How to Set Boundaries – Brene Brown’s Advice. Oprah.Com. https://www.oprah.com/spirit/how-to-set-boundaries-brene-browns-advice