Gratitude  Written by: Brooke Byers, Placement Student, Social Service Worker (Diploma)  One of the most important factors to overall happiness and well-being is the amount of gratitude that a person experiences. Gratitude is noticing and appreciating the positives in your life. Gratitude is an attitude but also a practice.   Gratitude is found across different cultures and found throughout different populations. Gratitude is a virtue and is vastly different from optimism and hope. Mirgain and Singles state that the root of the word “gratitude” is the Latin root gratia, which means “grace, graciousness, or gratefulness… all derivatives from this Latin root having to do with kindness, generousness, gifts, the beauty of giving and receiving, or getting something for nothing.”   Benefits of Gratitude.  Research finds that gratitude can in fact improve a sense of personal well-being in 2 different ways, a direct cause and indirectly meaning, buffering against negative states and emotions. Experiencing gratitude, thankfulness and appreciation tends to foster positive feelings, which turns into overall well-being.   Self-reported physical health, more feelings of happiness, pride and hope, a greater sense of social connection and cooperation with others, feeling less lonely and isolated, helps maintain intimate bonds, increased motivation for self-improvement and positive change, reduction in risk for depression, anxiety, and substance abuse disorders, improvement in body image, resilience in the face of trauma-induced stress, improvement of energy and sleep (Mirgain, Singles 2018), this is a list of psychological, physical and social benefits that’s gratitude has been linked to according to Mirgain.   Gratitude Exercises for Beginners.   Take a few minutes to reflect on a happy moment in your life that stands out for you—a memory that is still strong and has remained with you, even if it happened 10, 20, or 40 years ago. Re-experience it. Visualize the scene, hear the sounds that were around you, feel the sensations in your body. What was it about that experience that stays with you? Was gratitude part of it? What was happening that allowed you to feel grateful? (Mirgain, Singles, 2018)  We cannot change what life presents. We can, however, choose our attitude in any given circumstance. You can practice consciously choosing to cultivate gratitude with this daily practice: Practice stopping and having an attitude of gratitude throughout the day. You might incorporate a cue, like sitting down for a meal, hearing an alarm go off, or commuting home, to turn your mind to gratitude. Acknowledge and savor the positive experiences of your day. List a few cues you can use to remind you to stop and practice an attitude of gratitude. (Mirgain, Singles, 2018)  References  Mirgain, S. A., & Sinles, J. (2018). Creating a Gratitude Practice. Whole Health Library . Retrieved September 13, 2022, from https://www.va.gov/WHOLEHEALTHLIBRARY/docs/Creating-A-Gratitude-Practice.pdf  

Strategies for Addressing Trauma-Related Stress  By Amy Tai, Community and Criminal Justice (diploma), Program Assistant  It is typical for a person to experience a traumatic event at least once in their lifetime.  As a result, many people will experience severe stress which is a normal reaction to traumatic events. In the days and weeks that follow, it is common for people to experience a whirlwind of unanticipated emotions and physical symptoms, such as, feeling nervous, jumpy, or on high alert, difficulty sleeping, avoidance and dissociation, and irritability or anger (Jeong Young & Halfond, 2019). In the long-term, people may develop acute stress disorder, characterized by severe stress symptoms that seriously impair everyday functioning, academic performance, occupational performance, or social interaction. Others may experience post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), which manifests as symptoms that impair day-to-day functioning and persist for longer than a month following the event (Jeong Young & Halfond, 2019).  In can be helpful and appropriate at times to avoid the people, places, and situations that trigger these intense thoughts, feelings, and memories. However, relying solely on avoidance can result in more issues than it aims to fix. You can’t always avoid these triggers, and trying to do so can make you anxious, closed off, and restrained by your traumatic experience (Bank Lees, 2020). Having only one coping mechanism could also be harmful because it may not work every time. Instead, it is preferable to have a variety of tools on hand for when you experience the terrifying reach of traumatic stress (Bank Lees, 2020).  The stressful effects of trauma can be treated and coped with in a number of extremely efficient ways. According to research by Jeong Young, PhD and Halfond, PhD (2019), these actions can help:   Develop and utilize a support system. Choose your family or friends as your source of support. If you’re ready, you could share your experience and your sentiments with them regarding the tragic event. To reduce some of your everyday stress, you can also enlist the assistance of loved ones for household chores or other responsibilities. Sometimes CSA survivors’ families are not a source of support for a variety of reasons. There are community groups, meet-ups and other social supports available in the community.   Accept and acknowledge your feelings. It’s common to desire to forget about a horrible experience. On the other hand, staying inside all day, isolating oneself from family and friends, and abusing drugs to block out reminders are not long-term coping mechanisms. Avoidance is common, but too much of it might make you more stressed and prevent you from getting well. Try to ease back into your regular routine gradually. As you get back into the flow, assistance from family members or a mental health professional can be quite beneficial.  Make self-care a priority. Try your best to eat nutritious meals, engage in regular exercise, and get a restful night’s sleep. Additionally, look into alternative constructive coping mechanisms including art, music, meditation, rest, and outdoor activities.  Be patient. Keep in mind that an upsetting event can cause you to respond strongly. As you heal, take each day as it comes. Your symptoms should start to progressively get better as the days go by.  References  Bank Lees, A. (2020, October 28). 7 Tools for Managing Traumatic Stress. NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness. Retrieved August 5, 2022, from https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/October-2020/7-Tools-for-Managing-Traumatic-Stress  Jeong Young, S., & Halfond, R. (2019, October 30). How to cope with traumatic stress. American Psychological Association. Retrieved August 5, 2022, from https://www.apa.org/topics/trauma/stress 

Emotion Regulation – CSA Survivors   By Amy Tai, Community and Justice Services (diploma), Program Assistant  The ability of a person to properly control and deal with an emotional experience is referred to as emotion regulation. The majority of us employ a range of emotion control techniques and are skilled at adapting them to various circumstances in order to meet the demands of our environment (Rolston & LLoyd-Richardson, n.d.). However, for people who have experienced a traumatic event, such as childhood sexual abuse, it may be much harder to control and deal with emotions in a healthy and beneficial way.   Helpful vs Unhelpful Emotion Regulation Strategies  Helpful emotion regulation strategies assist in calming down the intense feelings experienced during times of stress, allowing for a deeper understanding of what triggered that emotional response. Examples of helpful emotion regulation strategies include:  Talking with friends  Writing in a journal  Meditation  Therapy  Paying attention to negative thoughts that occur before or after strong emotions Noticing when you need a break – and taking it (Rolston & LLoyd-Richardson, n.d.)  On the other hand, unhelpful emotion regulation strategies include those that may cause long-term harm, have unintended consequences, or limit one’s ability to deal with problems that require immediate action. Examples of unhealthy emotion regulation strategies include:  Abusing alcohol or other substances  Self-injury  Avoiding or withdrawing from difficult situations  Physical or verbal aggression  Excessive social media use, to the exclusion of other responsibilities (Rolston & LLoyd-Richardson, n.d.)  Breaking the Cycle  When faced with difficulties practicing emotion regulating techniques, it is crucial to understand that these challenges do not necessarily result from the event or experience itself, but rather, the way the emotion is interpreted. When we interpret the emotion in a negative way, this is when we experience intense feelings and the belief that we are not able to bear them. We refer to this as a vicious emotional cycle (Rolston & LLoyd-Richardson, n.d.). Continued avoidance of emotions related to the event or experience further supports the initial interpretation and may result in additional negative thoughts and feelings. These will continue until something is down to break the cycle.  Learning how to comprehend and work with the relationship between ideas, feelings, and behaviours is the foundation of therapeutic techniques such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. While this may be a super beneficial method for some people it is not necessary for successful self-regulation. The learning process can be hard and lengthy, but it is not impossible to conquer your emotions. Here are some helpful tips to get you started:  Take care of yourself, including your body: We’ve all experienced how much better we can feel after getting a restful night’s sleep or eating foods that leave you nourished and energized. It may seem as though we have a completely new outlook on life, and it is much simpler to ignore minor inconveniences that otherwise could have angered or upset us.  Do things that make you feel accomplished: Each of us can gain from focusing more on the good things that happen in our lives. It has been demonstrated that the things that make us happy improve our good moods and diminish our negative emotions. Try doing one small thing such as making your bed, five minutes of meditation, or keeping a gratitude journal and notice how your mood and ability to face the day improves.   Start by changing your thoughts. It is simpler to change our thoughts than our feelings because our thoughts are what determine how we perceive a situation. When you first feel yourself getting agitated, pause and try to analyze what it is that you are thinking that is making you feel that way. For some, it can be helpful to consider how significant the problem is on a greater scale: How much will this matter a day, a week, and a month from now?   There is no one-size-fits-all method for managing challenging thoughts and emotions; the key is for each of us to find what works for us individually and to believe this truth: You are capable of producing lasting change. You are worthy. Healing is possible.   References  Rolston, A. & LLoyd-Richardson, E. (n.d.). What is emotion and how do we regulate it. Cornell Research Program on Self-Injury and Recovery. *what-is-emotion-regulationsinfo-brief.pdf 

Naming Uncomfortable Feelings and How to Manage Them   Written by: Sienna Wallwork, Completing BSC. Family & Community Social Services and Social Service Worker Diploma, Program Assistant  The first step to being able to manage and regulate your emotions is being able to name them. Once you are able to identify them, it becomes much easier to manage them. Naming our emotions is the first step to bridging the gap between thoughts and feelings, and it can remind us that we are not our feelings (Miller, 2021). Finding this difference also allows us to remember that while we do not have a choice in what we feel, we do have a choice in what we do about how we are feeling.  The first step is to address what you are feeling. For example, if you find yourself stuck in traffic, mad at the person in front of you, you may think you are simply angry at them. However, upon further analysis, you may realize that it is not their fault and you are simply frustrated because you are stuck in traffic. Once you know the root of what you are feeling, it becomes easier to manage. Allowing yourself to address misplaced anger will also make it easier to let go of the negative emotions.  In order to make naming your feelings a regular habit, it may be helpful to set up a regular “check in” with yourself, just to keep your emotions in order. Once a day, set aside the time to sit down for 5-10 minutes, and just ask what you are feeling. You can use apps on your phone to track your emotions, or you can use a journal. Ask what you are feeling and why you are feeling this way. Write about what happened in your day and how it made you feel. This is also a good way to get out the negative emotions that you may not feel entirely comfortable opening up about just yet.  Once you are able to name uncomfortable feelings, there are many things you can do to manage them. It is all about finding coping mechanisms that work for you, and make you feel good. For some people, this could be journaling. You could also talk to a support person in your life, such as a friend or a family member. Exercise is another healthy way to manage emotions and lower stress. It is important to find activities that help to calm down any negative emotions you are feeling, but not activities that drive you away from confronting them.  Citations  Feel your feelings: How to deal with uncomfortable emotions. Eugene Therapy. (2021, October 12). Retrieved August 4, 2022, from https://eugenetherapy.com/article/feel-your-feelings-how-to-deal-with-uncomfortable-emotions/   Miller, M. (2021, October 27). Getting unstuck: The power of naming emotions. Six Seconds. Retrieved August 5, 2022, from https://www.6seconds.org/2021/01/08/getting-unstuck-power-naming-emotions/  

Building Self Compassion  Written By: Amy Tai, Community and Criminal Justice (diploma), Program Assistant  How significant would your connection be if you were to embark on a multi-decade journey with someone? Wouldn’t you try to make sure you got along with each other? Wouldn’t you want to ensure that your connection with your partner was a good one? This should be no different when the person you are on a journey with is yourself. So far, research has shown that practicing self-compassion provides a lot of advantages. Strong self-compassion can pave the way for improved physical health, interpersonal connections, and overall wellbeing. People who have self-compassion are aware of their own suffering and are kind to themselves at these moments, which reduces their own feelings of anxiety and sadness (Harvard Health, 2021).   All of us can benefit from the idea of using compassion to make better life decisions. We all act and say things we regret. Therefore, in order to truly recover from our errors, we must all compassionately take care of ourselves. In his article, Dani DiPirro (2022) shares his thoughts on self-compassion: “Just because you accept something doesn’t mean that you like it. We all have attributes we don’t love, but the more you focus on accepting the things you cannot change, the more content you become with who you are… accepting my limitations and my true nature has been the greatest act of self-compassion. Doing so has allowed me to direct my energy and attention to the things I love about my life: my creativity, my writing, and the people who love me just as I am.”  Here are four simple ways to start practicing self-compassion today:  Take care of your body. Make your favourite meal, give yourself a massage. Go on a walk. Watch your favourite movie. Anything you can do to enhance your physical well-being will help you feel more compassionate toward yourself.  Write yourself a letter. Try to recall a circumstance that left you in pain (doesn’t necessarily have to be your CSA experience, it could be a break up or a job loss). In a letter to yourself, describe the situation without blaming anyone, especially not yourself. This activity helps to support your emotions and it can be beneficial to utilize it whenever you find yourself stuck in a pattern of self-blame.  Encourage yourself. Consider what you would say to a trusted friend who was going through a challenging or stressful situation. Then, next time you find yourself in a similar situation, try your best to turn these compassionate reactions inward.   Practice mindfulness. Even a brief activity, like a few minutes of meditation, can be a wonderful method to care for and accept ourselves while we’re in pain. (Harvard Health, 2021)   “This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is part of life. May I be kind to myself in this moment. May I give myself the compassion I need.” ~Kristin Neff   References  DiPirro, D. (2022, April 27). 10 Ways to Practice Self-Compassion and Overcome Your Shame. Tiny Buddha. https://tinybuddha.com/blog/10-ways-practice-self-compassion/  Harvard Health. (2021, February 12). 4 ways to boost your self-compassion. https://www.health.harvard.edu/mental-health/4-ways-to-boost-your-self-compassion   

How do I know if my inner child needs healing?  Written by: Sienna Wallwork, Program Assistant, Bsc. Family & Community Social Services. (She/Her/Hers)  The simplest way to explain the inner child is that it is a version of our past selves we still carry with us. Whether you have been aware of it up until now or not, we all have an inner child. Even if you do not feel connected to it, it is there. Your inner child can explain why you react to certain things the way you do. Many of us have inner child wounds, from various traumas we have experienced. There are a few tell-tale signs that your inner child is wounded (and luckily, there are many ways to start the healing process).   It is important to listen to your inner child, and learn to love them properly. Many of these wounds come from a variety of sources. It can be anything from outright, obvious abuse to more subtle things that you may not have caught (such as emotional neglect or verbal belittling from those we were supposed to be able to trust). Additionally, a lot of us receive inner child wounds from society. Society often makes people (especially young, vulnerable people) feel like they must fit into a certain mold. When we don’t fit this, it can result in inner wounds.   Now that we know what an inner child is and where these wounds can come from, what are the signs that your inner child is wounded? Here are some signs that you have a wounded inner child.  The first sign is that when you are upset, you are speaking to yourself in a negative way. This happens because children are very sensitive; so it makes sense that your inner child can be just as sensitive. Similarly, since your inner child can be so sensitive, small things sending you spiraling can be a sign of a wounded inner child, since everything can feel so intense to a child.  Other signs of a wounded inner child include constant seeking of validation, trust issues, and a part of you feeling unlovable.  Citations  Davis, S. (n.d.). The Wounded Inner Child. CPTSDfoundationorg. Retrieved July 29, 2022, from https://cptsdfoundation.org/2020/07/13/the-wounded-inner-child/    

What questions should I ask my inner child?  Written by: Sienna Wallwork, Program Assistant, Bsc. Family & Community Social Services. (She/Her/Hers)  It is important to try to connect with your inner child. This can help you understand yourself more, as well as understand where your behaviours and reactions come from.  One good way to ask the following questions to your inner child (and have them answered), is to use a healing journal. A healing journal is a journal you will write these prompts/questions in, and have them answered as you write.  It is important to keep in mind that inner child healing is a lengthy, and emotional process. At times it can be draining or even triggering. It is recommended to do this work with a solid support system around you, such as friends/partners/family, or even a therapist or counsellor to guide you.  Before asking specific questions to your inner child, you can try to connect yourself to them by simply writing about memories from your childhood and how they made you feel. Once you have opened up this door to your inner child, start using these prompts to connect & uncover more about them.  How is your inner child feeling currently?  As a child, what did you always lack/were deprived of?  What is your inner child afraid of?  In what way is this affecting your life right now?  If you could say anything to your inner child, what would you say?  In what ways can you support your inner child now that you were unable to before?  These prompts can help you feel more connected to your inner child, and they can start the healing process. It should be noted though that these can also be highly emotional prompts, so please remember to practice self care as you heal!  References Vyas, N. (2020, August 20). 8 journal prompts on how to heal your inner child. Nikita Vyas. Retrieved July 26, 2022, from https://www.nikitaavyas.in/post/8-journal-prompts-on-how-to-heal-your-inner-child  

Releasing Self-Blame from the Inner Child after CSA   By Amy Tai, Community and Justice Services Diploma, Program Assistant  Guilt, shame, and self-blame often manifest within survivors of CSA. Transferring accountability and blame from the abuser to the victim can lead to self-blame. The abuser makes the victim feel accountable for their acts by placing blame on the person they harmed as though it were their responsibility. Given that they are too young and helpless to defend themselves, children who have experienced childhood sexual abuse (CSA) frequently fall victim to this kind of deception. No matter what you feel you did or didn’t do or allowed or didn’t allow, you are never the one to blame for the abuse you suffered.   A crucial step in the healing process for any survivor is to let go and release all self-blame, both toward their inner child and toward their adult self. Abusers are the only ones who can ever bear the guilt and shame of their actions. Since it was not your responsibility, you have no reason to feel guilty or ashamed. Unfortunately, releasing shame and self-blame is not always so simple.   According to Dr. Brene Brown, people who lack the ability to empathize cannot experience shame. As a result, those who experience shame have the ability to manage it: “Empathy is the antidote to shame (Hess, 2013).”  With this in mind, here are some ways you can try to release shame and self-blame:  Give yourself empathy.   Try talking about your shame with someone you trust. Even if you don’t feel there is anyone you can talk to, you can try journaling. Write down your feelings of shame and self-blame. The more you are able to talk about it, write about it, and stare it in the face, the less power it has over you.   Take the time to address the self-blame and shame that your inner child carries around. Release them from that burden. Write a letter to your younger self explaining to them that it is not their fault, they are not to blame.  Try reciting this mantra to yourself when you feel shame and self-blame starting to take over: It does not matter what I did or didn’t do. I was sexually abused because my abuser chose to abuse me. I am not to blame for the abuse.   Through this process of unravelling the web of confusion surrounding guilt, shame, and self-blame, you will become aware of guilt and shame that have been passed on to you that you have internalized as your own. By doing this, you can redistribute this toxic guilt and shame to its rightful place: on the abuser and others who have harmed you. This allows you to take back control of reality and understand what really happened. Any crippling self-blame and shame no longer have a home in you. You are free to live your life to the fullest.  References  Hess, W. (2013, February 21). Empathy is the Antidote to Shame. Whitney Hess. https://whitneyhess.com/blog/2013/02/21/empathy-is-the-antidote-to-shame/#:%7E:text=Brown%20argues%20that%20shame%20cannot,are%2C%20%E2%80%9CMe%20too.%E2%80%9D 

Reparenting Ourselves as Survivors of CSA  By: Amy Tai, Community and Justice Services (diploma), Program Assistant  In the simplest terms, reparenting can be described as giving yourself what you didn’t receive as a child. It involves acquiring the skills necessary to treat your wounded inner child with the respect, love, and dignity that they were due when you were a child (Davis, 2020). For survivors of childhood sexual abuse, this can be an extremely difficult task to navigate. Maybe you have tried the process of reparenting with no success or just don’t know where to start. It’s important to remember that while it may be a difficult process, it is not impossible and you hold the capacity within you to inspire lasting healing and change. By practicing self-compassion, validation, and acknowledgment of your experiences and the pain each part of your inner child has held, you will find yourself on the road to healing.   When tasked with writing this article, I had the pleasure of speaking with one of the wonderful volunteer facilitators here at The Gatehouse. As I am not a survivor of CSA myself, I really value the time she took to walk me through her experience with reparenting and want to acknowledge her and every other survivor for their bravery and resilience.   Here are some of the main ideas from the conversation I had with her.   What does reparenting mean to you, personally?  Rather than using the word “reparenting”, it can be helpful to look at the process as the assessment of developmental gaps as the result of trauma. It’s about being proactive in deciding that you want to be a fully functioning healthy adult, recognizing that, while in survival mode, your brain naturally took short cuts. Now, you are tasked with creating a whole new neural pathway, which is hopeful, permanent, and empowering. Picture yourself building a Lego wall and finally getting to fill in the empty pieces as you figure out what you missed during those shortcuts and develop those skills.   What is something you have found challenging about the process?  Accepting the reality that it has to happen. It is both humbling and painful to accept that how your brain is wired differs from one who was raised in a healthy experience. It can be painful to acknowledge that you could have lived an ‘easier’ life, but it is a necessary part of healing. It’s challenging to be willing to make the change and say “alright, this sucks, but what changes need to happen”, but it’s worth it, because that change is what will allow for a fuller life.   What is something you have learned about yourself?  The brain is a powerful tool. Through it, you can control acceptance and learn new behaviours. Even compassion stems from the brain. It’s beautiful to know that we are intelligent, capable people despite what we’ve been through. It’s a beautiful thing to be able to look at all people who struggle in various forms and understand there’s often a reason behind it. To be able to reduce judgment and cultivate a greater capacity for empathy and compassion.   What is something you would like to tell a survivor who is in the learning process of reparenting?  Be curious, kind, patient, and compassionate to yourself. The journey of healing takes time. It’s an investment in yourself and the ability to enjoy life and thrive. It’s also an investment in the people around you whose lives you affect. It could be the difference between continuing or breaking the cycle of generational trauma. You hold the capacity to inspire real change.   References  Davis, S. (2020, July 27). Reparenting to Heal the Wounded Inner Child | CPTSDfoundation.org. CPTSD Foundation. https://cptsdfoundation.org/2020/07/27/reparenting-to-heal-the-wounded-inner-child/ 

There is a poem: Poem of Chance The poem begins with: “In the sweetened gallery of our hearts there is a place we go, “ I believe Charmaine Is the place we go She is the one that will never end Her story Her story Illuminates Silence Her story gave voice to those who had theirs’ ripped and smothered away In Charmaine’s poem: Obstacles to Overcome she opens the gallery of our hearts with the words: “When I stopped to listen to another, and another, and another that, it was in OTHER’S sharing where I rose to discover that; Vulnerability is the GREATEST superhero trait to EVER expose It breaks all barriers and causes a planet to shift!!! A planet for sustainable transformational and positive change, possibilities and miracles!!” So it is that Her story is the one we will always tell Charmaine is the forever well-spring for the advocate, the person relentless in the pursuit of possible miracles that live eternal in the gallery of our hearts. With love to Charmaine and her family. Arthur Lockhart, Founder, The Gatehouse Donate to Charmaine’s Final Wish at https://www.gofundme.com/f/charmaines-final-wish?utm_campaign=p_lico+share-sheet&utm_medium=copy_link&utm_source=customer Celebration of Life Events Saturday July 30th at 2pm at St. Aiden’s Church, 2423 Queen St. East, Toronto, ON, M4E 1H6. All are welcome to attend.  Saturday August 13th at 2pm – 3:30pm at The Gatehouse Healing Garden, 3101 Lakeshore Blvd W., Toronto, ON, M8V3W8, please let us know if you will be attending by completing this form.