Peer Support Means Journeying with One Another I was in the car driving when my phone rang, it was one of the group members in my peer support group that I attend at The Gatehouse. I answered the call since I was alone, and the call went directly to Bluetooth. Before I could speak, I heard her voice and her feelings poured out like a river of pain. She was crying and I knew all too well what state of mind she must be in as I too have been there and will likely visit that dark and lonely place of torture again. She was having an emotional flashback. As my fellow traveler on the journey of healing would describe it, “I am so filled with guilt and shame.” I started to shed silent tears and soon composed myself as I wanted and needed to be there for her. “Breathe,” I said. “You know what to do. A big belly breath in and slow and steady out.” (Breathing is so important to help your sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system become balanced once again). She started to calm. “What are you seeing, smelling, hearing?” (This, we call grounding and helps someone in distress move away from their emotions so they can compose themselves and think logically. This reduces the impact and shortens the emotional flashback). I allowed her a few moments while I danced around traffic but reminded her that I am here for her and that she is not alone. I told her that she is loved. “ She sobbed quietly over the phone and I heard her moan, “I was so little.” “Yes you were”, I said. Then I asked her if that little preschool girl could possibly be responsible for what she was subject to at that age?” She said, “no, no she’s not”. “So, does she deserve the guilt and shame?” Calm arrived and we both exchanged words of gratitude, encouragement, and compassion. When a child experiences such a trauma, a person can relive all of the emotional and physical feelings. For years we exist, not knowing why overwhelming feelings can consume us. Understanding how the trauma impacts us can help us address each of the symptoms and as a community, we support one another to find the healing we have longed for. The Gatehouse staff and volunteers are trained in a variety of therapeutic techniques which use to empower the program participants; we, in turn, become equipped to manage ourselves and support one another’s healing journey. Once we experience a taste of healing, we crave it more, and eventually, the confident, compassionate, whole-person that we were always meant to be is given life. Healing allows us to love ourselves, and others.
Trauma Impacts The Body & Mind
Trauma Impacts The Body & Mind I had unusual physical symptoms for more than a decade that no medical professional was able to diagnose. In 2005 when my first son was born I started to experience unusual symptoms such as intense, unusual fatigue, left-sided headaches, tingling in my left hand and foot, mild balance and perceptual difficulties, attention, and memory problems to name a few. For years I saw specialists, had MRIs and follow-ups all to be told: “there’s nothing wrong with you”. I came to believe that this was simply the exhaustion from motherhood. In 2012 the fatigue was worsening, so started working with a biofeedback specialist/practitioner and began a regular meditation and tai chi practice. 2013 was probably the best year I’d had in years! I felt calmer, had more energy, felt mentally more clear, more present, and connected to my sons – I had another son in 2008! I was enjoying my work at a local hospital too and appreciating social connections. However, symptoms started to worsen again making it difficult to do day to day activities such as housework, parenting, and work. Yet I continued to struggle in silence and alone, not telling anyone how difficult things were. In 2014 after more than a year of working with my practitioner and doing my daily practices, images of an uncle started to appear. At first, they felt pleasant and welcoming. However, as the months continued these feelings would switch to feelings of confusion and discomfort. I started to wonder if something inappropriate had happened with him when I was a child growing up in Kenya, East Africa. But it made no sense to me – how could I completely have forgotten something like that? “This art at Gatehouse caught my eye many years ago and now it makes so much sense. I suffered alone and in silence for way too long – I do not want others to ever suffer alone or in silence.” (Left) Yet in hindsight, I also see I have very little memories of my childhood and that it is very normal to forget. It’s a survival response. It took a full year to say to someone close to me that I trusted, “I think my uncle sexually abused me”. And then I shut down again. I couldn’t believe I’d said it out loud and in fact, didn’t want to talk about it anymore as it all felt so confusing and unclear. I came across a Gatehouse and registered for the Phase 1 Women’s Group, however dropped out even before it started. In my mind, I thought, “I’m ok, nothing wrong”. This belief was so deeply ingrained from my upbringing. This included growing up being constantly told not to allow or feel my feelings. Anger for sure was never ever allowed in my home. I plodded along on a journey that felt very lonely. I understand now that feeling alone and lonely is in fact a hallmark of trauma. I recall attending the Partners Program by Gatehouse in 2016 and watching a TED Talk by Brene Brown. It hit me so deeply how lonely I had been ALL my life. In the fall of 2016, my body finally said NO. No more avoiding, no more brushing it under the rug, no more resistance – you have to heal. The leg pain had worsened, the fatigue had worsened – to the point that as I worked with my stroke patients, I would have to sit down even before they needed to. When I made meals or washed dishes in my kitchen, my legs felt like they could only support me for 10 to 15 minutes before I needed to sit down. When my children wanted to play, I only had the endurance for short periods. They came to learn – mommy gets tired and once my younger son said, “mommy come outside and play with me, I’ll get a chair for you because I know you get tired”. This broke my heart. There was no way these health issues were going to rob me from being the mother I wanted to be. My sons were my driving force to get better and to understand what was going on with me. In December 2015 I finally ended up going on medical leave from my job and this was the second last straw that made me see I had to face childhood sexual trauma. The last straw was a concussion in April 2018! I attended Gatehouses Phase 1 and 2 programs in 2016 – they were a gift in helping me see that I am not alone. It brought awareness to how childhood sexual trauma affects us in both subtle and profound ways. Especially our sense of worth, body image, confidence, ability to speak up, have boundaries, relationships, physical health. I really started to understand why my physical symptoms started with the birth of my son. I also worked with my body through nutrition, herbal medicine, tai chi, and bodywork to process all the trauma, much of which I still did not remember in my mind. But my body did. I am currently enrolled in the Somatic Experiencing Practitioner Training program as this too was a gift in uncovering all the emotions buried deep in my body that were also causing physical symptoms as I was so unaware of them. I now live a full life, where I feel healthier, more present, happier, and more connected to others. I am the amazing mom I want to be with my sons! Many of those symptoms I struggled with for years have now lifted. I continue to listen to my body though as it often tells me when I need to slow down or look at something I may be avoiding. Gatehouse helped me become aware of how much childhood sexual trauma had affected me all my life – physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. It provided a safe place in which I felt heard and understood, and
Adapting To Digital Peer Support
Adapting To Digital Peer Support To find any degree of healing is to find hope, lightness, and compassion you never thought possible. Since the start of the COVID pandemic, The Gatehouse remains committed to the healing of adult survivors impacted by childhood sexual abuse. As any organization would agree, adapting to working remotely and without personal contact has had its challenges and yet we did it, are doing it and will continue to offer the programs as long as there is a need – and I assure you, we wish there was not a need and yet there remains a great need! On July 28th, we sent out certificates to all participants who completed their program during the spring sessions, we also sent out a participant feedback survey. We wanted to share some of the findings; running sessions by Zoom seemed a near impossibility but with close monitoring and exceptional volunteer facilitators, participants reported that they really felt closer to their own healing and many groups couldn’t wait to meet each other in person. Some of the feedback we received revealed that online experiences are not for everyone; we expected that. We didn’t expect that some would thrive in an online group. Participants shared that being able to attend a group from wherever they happened to be was really convenient and added another layer of safety to an often challenging experience. The fact that there was no lengthy drive to and from the location was also valuable as many participants commute from over an hour away. We also found that some groups were more inclusive; mobility issues were a non-factor and people could take a break when they needed it, ensuring self-care was a priority. Participants reported being able to learn to read the emotions on people’s faces since most participants were able to be in view of all. This allowed people to pause long enough to extend the emotional support needed before moving along. Of course, there are challenges; there is no substitute for in-person compassion and signs of comfort such as a hug or passing the tissue box to wipe tears. There are varying levels of comfort with technology and at times it was too easy for some participants to disengage from the group without the accountability which comes with being in the physical presence of others. In addition, the absence of some healthy socializing and sharing of some of its pleasantries often enjoyed at break time was missed. Even though our programs were required to go digital, we have seen incredible healing and we are so proud of the high level of commitment participants and volunteers have shown – a testament to the courage survivors of childhood sexual abuse have. Moving forward; we will continue to offer all programs online until we can once again offer in-person groups at our Etobicoke location. At which time, we hope to offer the option of online or in-person or a highbred version. We also hope to expand the territory we can offer healing to as online sessions will make this possible. If you have any questions about our programs or how we put your financial donation to work, please contact us. Thank you to everyone who takes on the incredible journey of healing and to all of our donors and volunteers who make it possible.
The Body Keeps The Score Book Review
Review of The Body Keeps the Score; by Bessel van der Kolk As one of the world’s top experts on traumatic stress, Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, helps the reader understand how trauma impacts and changes the mind and body of the affected. He then unfolds the progression of research and treatment; helping the reader appreciate that the trauma survivor’s brain changes and their body can be significantly impacted, amplifying the suffering of the individual. The information is presented in a slightly more academic approach than some readers may be comfortable with; but if you are interested in truly understanding what is going on in the the brain, nervous system, chemistry of the body and how symptoms can be treated, your investment in time to read this book will be incredibly helpful for your pursuit of healing. For those who support trauma survivors; the insights will help you not only appreciate the extent of suffering a survivor can experience, but you will be better equipped to help liberate those you care about. The book initially goes into the impact of trauma on military veterans but doesn’t focus exclusively on that, so don’t put the book down – there is lots of nuggets to help the Childhood Sexual Abuse Survivor and developmental trauma is well addressed. The following covers some of my own personal takeaways from his book, I share them with you and encourage you to read the book to fully explore how it applies uniquely to you. Trauma Causes Agonizing Guilt & Shame Bessel writes about how those who experience extreme forms of trauma; the kind soldiers might experience; domestic abuse survivors and child abuse survivors are subject to; they all seem to be weighed down by deep guilt and shame. These feelings stem from what they may have done, or not done to prevent the trauma they experienced. The Gatehouse Phase 1 program delves into this; helping the peer groups to understand that the guilt and shame is not theirs to own. This is transforming for the participant and opens one up for self compassion; a critical step towards healing deep emotional wounds. Trauma Changes The Brain MRI scans of the brains of trauma survivors provide clear evidence that the trauma survivors’ brain shows considerable differences when compared to a normal healthy brain. In some cases, early childhood trauma can even prevent critical areas of the brain to fully develop. It’s common for a CSA survivor to have neural pathways which fast track to the emotional brain (limbic system) rather than filtering thoughts through the thinking brain (cognitive ). Essentially, PTSD & CPTSD are the result of actual brain injuries. Phase 2 of the Gatehouse program further dives into the neuroscience of this and how we can embrace the power of the brain’s own plasticity to support the healing of the brain. Trauma Changes The Nervous System Contrary to popular belief, trauma is not all in your head; it impacts your parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous system which regulates the physical sensations around the flight, fight, or freeze response PTSD sufferers typically have a challenge regulating. The vagus nerve is another critical system which controls areas in your body. Your trachea, esophagus, pancreas, liver, colon, stomach are among some of the more well known body parts which are severely impacted by trauma. Trauma Is Treatable After exploring the many impacts of trauma, Bessel shares what scientists have learned about management of symptoms and promoting healing. He gives the reader hope of a better future; sharing how yoga, mindfulness, meditation, music, art can all promote new neural pathways, better regulations of the nervous system. He also shares the promising results of therapeutic use of neurofeedback to train brain waves to better serve the individuals need for emotional and physical regulation. Building a Trauma-Conscious Society Dr. Bessel van der Kolf concludes his book, The Body Keeps The Score with a message of hope; nearly everyday new information is learned about the traumatized brain and how it can be repaired. Society is learning to accept that trauma is not the fault of the victim but does have consequences to the society as a whole. Until the day comes that there is a clear path to healing; I say, let’s fold the healing into our life journey. Making our story of trauma and road to recovery be a motivator to others to be active in the prevention and healing. Click the link below to purchase this book on Amazon.
Marks Remarkable Story
Marks Remarkable Story *Trigger Warning I remember watching a little boy open his garage door to get his bicycle out. As he pulled up the heavy door he watched himself opening it, narrating the events in his head as if he was a voice-over in a movie: Mark is now opening the garage door to get his bike, but first he’ll have to move the red wagon out of the way… I remember watching a little boy sit in the hall beside his bedroom. He would sit there until the sun came up because monsters don’t like light. In one memory the boy could extend his legs completely without touching the wall on the other side of the hall, in another memory he could almost touch the wall, and in yet another memory his legs were too long to extend completely without hitting the opposite wall. Most nights the little boy would stay in his room and watch himself from just above the doorway, like a fly, while the sledgehammer men came to visit. Time takes a time-out while Soundlessness, not silence Tenders a darkness That is no barrier To the witnessing fly. On some weekend days there were parties, sometimes with movie cameras. The little boy, not so little anymore, would use tricks to avoid feeling what his, rather, the body felt. He created friends in his head, friends who could play with the sledgehammer men and not feel bad or sad. And friends who could feel bad or sad. And friends who could feel angry, or innocent, or thoughtful, or just watch from an immeasurable distance. Okay, that’s enough, you get the idea. There is no particular feeling of order to these memories, though logic imposes a crude chronology. Experiencing elapsed time as a largely linear phenomenon is a privilege, you see, because trauma can change your relationship to the order in which bad things happen. As a child I had a painfully simple daily goal: to prevent my soul—my capacity to love—from being pulverized. I buried my awareness and memories of the rapes in a black box at the bottom of the sea until I was in my thirties, when my first daughter was born. He has a little secret Tucked away Which he dare not glimpse. A silent ball of hell fire That burns inside him Like a jar of angry bumblebees. No one, not even he, can surpass the bees. They surfaced like a skin infection emerging as a painful boil and erupted as psychological black puss that continues to ooze and spurt to this day. My life is divided into three phases: abuse, post-abuse repression, and post-repression, and until the last phase I had no awareness of being abused. But the signs were there. Because this is a short article, I’m going to focus on the trauma symptom most relevant to The Gatehouse: disconnection. Naturally, the (non-)feeling of disconnection affects all areas of my life, but here I want to focus on the role of The Gatehouse in helping me heal. Disconnection—technically, dissociation—allowed me to keep my soul intact while I was being traumatised as a child. But like many early survival techniques, it has outlived its usefulness. It is a knee-jerk reaction to internal and external events that resemble, even remotely, anything associated with the abuse, such as objects, sounds, smells, facial expressions, and aspects of relationships with others. And I wonder What is it like to kiss someone Without looking? What is it like to look someone in the eye Without wondering what it’s like To look someone in the eye? Articulating the experience of disconnection is a bit like describing the flavour of something to someone who has never tasted that thing. This difficulty is compounded by the fact that disconnection is not a feeling, it is a non-feeling, the absence of experience, the absence of flavour. Similar to the feeling of holding someone’s hand while wearing a glove or leaving the dentist with a frozen mouth, I experience the emotional world from a distance as if it is happening on the other side of the subway door. I watch, as Camera Because lenses see But we do not feel. Dissociation during trauma is Novocain for the soul, and it blocks out painful and pleasurable feelings equally. As an adult, however, it dulls the flavour of intimacy, the fragrance of friendship, and the sensuality of connection generally. The loneliness of trauma survival is as deep as a quarry abandoned, as long as an outstretched ball of string. I followed that line of string and it ended at the steps to The Gatehouse. I did Phase One and Two, and now I volunteer as a facilitator and a Board member. As individuals, we exist on a variety of levels, from the personas we wear in the world to the softness of our hidden vulnerabilities. When I’m at The Gatehouse, I feel less alone. It’s that simple, and it’s that powerful. At the end of the Phase One facilitator training with Arthur Lockhart I left before the workshop ended. I went into the hallway and wept more than I had ever cried in my entire life. It was the first time I didn’t feel alone. Being with others who understood intimately and experientially what I have lived with unbuckled me like never before. It felt open, easy, and peaceful because I didn’t have to apologize or explain my silence. I started this article with a comment about the purpose of dissociation being to save my spirit, which I understand to be the capacity to love others. The French philosopher Michel Foucault said that the purpose of the modern criminal justice system is not to control the body but to regulate the soul. I believe that the sexual abuse of children has a similar aim—to destroy the beauty that exists in the child. Those of us who survived these attempts to destroy our souls come together at The Gatehouse to create an environment
All Eyes on 2020 Campaign
All Eyes on 2020 Campaign In support of The Gatehouse Help The Gatehouse get to 1000 monthly donors to keep The Gatehouse services available for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Donate $20.20 a month to helps us continue to provide lifesaving peer support programs that enable survivors to find their voice, share their story, build resilience and a sense of belonging. As a community, The Gatehouse needs your support. Please donate today and if possible share this message on your social media with the campaign link to help us raise awareness. One in three girls and one in six boys are sexually abused before the age of 18. As the whole world is quarantined to be safe, not everyone is truly safe at home. World Health Organization Joint Leader statement on Covid-19 Pandemic said, “Efforts to contain the coronavirus are vital to the health of the world’s population, but they are also exposing children to increased risk of violence – including maltreatment, gender-based violence, and sexual exploitation.” In 2018, in Ontario alone, there were 148,536 child abuse investigations; children between the ages of 0 and 15. This means that at this very moment, a child is experiencing the worst moment in their life. These children will grow up. They will blend into society and hold their secret every day. They will have nightmares and problems trusting people. Their sense of self was robbed and they are highly likely to become addicted to drugs, alcohol, and sex. They will hate themselves and are at higher risk of suicide, addictions, and potential involvement with the justice system. We cannot always stop the abuse, but we can help heal it so that people can go on to enjoy life and be a positive part of society. That’s a story changer. That is what happens at www.thegatehouse.org where adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse find healing, community, and support. In unprecedented times like this, we also need organizations like The Gatehouse, now more than ever. The Gatehouse started its operations on June 20, 1998. It is a unique community based charitable organization whose mission is to provide supports, resources, and community to those impacted by childhood sexual abuse Let’s help The Gatehouse keep their doors open to support adults who were sexually abused as children to have opportunities to find their authentic self and heal their inner child. To become a wonderful partner and parent who enjoys their job, loves and protects their family and contributes to their community. Your monthly donation is what will make this happen. “The Gatehouse has transformed and continues to shift my life in so many ways. Childhood trauma is an unfortunate reality in many people’s lives and to have a place to feel a sense of safety and belonging is not only vital in the healing process but also necessary. I feel so honoured to have been a participant, volunteer and now a community partner with The Gatehouse.” – Previous participant & Community Partner, Please help us to continue the healing and donate today. Even a small amount every month helps. Donate at: https://www.canadahelps.org/en/charities/the-gatehouse-child-abuse-investigation-support-site/p2p/alleyeson2020 Our Executive Director, Maria Barcelos is sharing on social media about the impact of childhood sexual abuse and walking 2 miles per day with a personal goal of walking 120 miles by the end of August, inviting others to get moving, reconnecting with their bodies and unpacking shame associated with body image that many survivors experience. Check out our social media pages for updates! Share #alleyeson2020 campaign link, use hashtag #thegatehousetoronto and tag us to show support for survivors! Social Media Twitter: @Gatehouse_The & @BarcelMar Instagram: @thegatehousetoronto & @barcel.mar Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TheGatehouseChildAbuseInvestigationSupportSite Thank you for your support! Do you need information about financial assistance, mental health support, employment support, childcare, housing, food, clothing and shelter? Find help at 211central.ca or call/chat/text/email 2-1-1.
AGM Thurs. June 25th 4pm EST on Zoom
The Annual General Meeting for The Gatehouse will be taking place virtually on Zoom on Thursday, June 25th at 4 pm EST. Agenda Available Here Annual Report Here Financial Statements Here The following slate of nominees is presented to the Board of Directors for 2019 to 2020: For the 1-year term: Sabra Desai, Co-Chair Gigi D’Souza, Treasurer Jeanette Emery, Secretary Nilmini Perera, Director Lisa Crooker, Director Carol Smith, Director Mark Davidson, Director Please email Maria Barcelos, Executive Director to RSVP for the upcoming ONLINE AGM. A link will be emailed to you. We do not post meeting links online and share them with members only. We would like to see as many members attend as possible. You can join via the ZOOM app on your phone or computer. Membership is $10 per year. If you have not yet paid your membership fee for 2020, please go to http://thegatehouse.org/become-a-member/ to pay online using a credit card or PayPal.
COVID19 Update – ONLINE GROUPS
The health and safety of our group participants, volunteers, placement students, and staff continue to be our priority. All Gatehouse in person groups are cancelled until further notice. We continue efforts to respond responsibly to contain the spread of Coronavirus (COVID-19) and have moved many of our programs online using virtual group meetings. An intake is required prior to attending an online group. To schedule an over the phone or virtual video conferencing intake, please contact: Stephanie Alves at [email protected] for Phase 1 Evening/Day Groups Paula Cordeiro at [email protected] for Partners Support /Young Adult Groups There is a form that potential group participants must complete as part of the intake process. Please click on—-> INTAKE FORM_The Gatehouse 2020 If you have completed a phase 1 group and wish to join a phase 2 group online, please contact me directly via email. There is a registration form for phase 2 that is required prior. You may download the PHASE-2- Registration Form here If you need crisis support, please contact Distress Centre: 416-408-HELP (4357) offers access to emotional support from the safety and security of the closest telephone. Callers can express their thoughts and feelings in confidence. Callers’ issues can include problems related to domestic violence, social isolation, suicide, addictions, mental and physical health concerns. The Distress Centre offers emotional support, crisis intervention, suicide prevention and linkage to emergency help when necessary. Gerstein Centre: (416) 929-5200 provides crisis intervention to adults, living in the City of Toronto, who experience mental health problems. The service has three aspects; telephone support, community visits and a ten-bed, short-stay residence. All three aspects of the service are accessed through the crisis line. We hope to resume full programs and services in the near future and will update this page with details as they become available to us. We are following Public Health Authorities recommendations. As a charitable organization, we rely on your support to continue delivering much-needed peer support programs for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. We need your support! CLICK HERE TO DONATE! If you have any questions, kindly contact me via email at [email protected] Stay safe and healthy. We are all in this together. Maria Barcelos, MA[c], B.A. she/her/hers pronouns Executive Director 416-255-5900 x225 | http://thegatehouse.org/ 3101 Lake Shore Blvd. West, Toronto, ON M8V 3W8 Registered Charity with CRA #869730648 RR 0001 Please consider making a donation to help The Gatehouse The Gatehouse, a community based charitable organization that provides much-needed support, resources, and community to survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Survivors of sexual abuse are in desperate need of our support and services and The Gatehouse relies on the generosity of individuals, foundations, and businesses to fund and expand our creative programs including peer support groups, art therapy, wellness workshops, conferences, and the investigation support program. You can donate one time or donate monthly. Your donation helps to transform the lives of those victimized by childhood sexual abuse. Use the form below donate. Thank you for your support.
Suing? Reporting to Police? Both? None?
For some survivors, exploring the possibility of taking action against the abuser(s) is an important part of the healing process. Suing: Suing the perpetrator and possibly an institution that was responsible for the perpetrator sexual abuse can bring many benefits. In a civil case, a lawyer represents the survivor, called the plaintiff, can examine the perpetrator, called the defendant, to test the credibility of the perpetrator. Proving that the sexual abuse happened is also easier in a civil case than in a criminal case. A civil case can give compensation from a couple of thousand dollars to hundreds of thousands and maybe more. But, apart from the money, many survivors regain a sense of control of their life because they chose to bring the case and controlled the process where the perpetrator (and possibly institution) are held responsible for the abuse. And, sometimes most importantly, there comes an acknowledgement that the survivor was believed and that it was not their fault. Civil cases also have a lot of cons. Not everyone who was abused can sue. While there is no time limit in bringing a civil case, there are still a lot of considerations as to whether the case can or should be started. Is there a prospect that the defendants will be found liable? Can the defendants even pay the damages? A plaintiff will have to tell their story to a lot of strangers and be cross-examination. The defendant will try to blame the plaintiff’s problems on everything other than the alleged abuse. A case can take many years to resolve and success is not guaranteed. And finally, the most important consideration is how will a survivor cope with litigation and the possibility of not winning. A survivor’s health and especially mental is paramount. Reporting to police: Going to the police is also a possibility. If seeing the perpetrator suffer being accused of a sexual crime and possibly ending up behind bars is important, then a survivor must go to the police as the criminal justice system is the only way to make this happen. The cons can be substantial though. The system is designed to give the accused every possible break during the case. They do not have to testify. The survivor must testify. They are represented by a lawyer while the survivor is not. Even if the accused is found guilty, the sentence may be very low, sometimes without jail time. Most importantly perhaps is that not guilty does not mean innocent. It only means that there was not enough proof. Technicalities can and do let guilty perpetrators go free. Both: Going to the police and suing can both be done, but, preferably not at the same time. None: Sometimes real power comes from knowing that a survivor holds all the options and can choose when and if to start the process that is right for them. There may be other possible options available to some survivors such as applying to the Criminal Injuries Compensation Board or the Human Rights Tribunal. Professionals such as lawyers and therapists can help a survivor decide what is the best and healthiest way to proceed. Every survivor makes their own choice and their choice is always the right choice. Thank you Simona Jellinek , Jellinek Law Office, for your dedication and commitment to helping survivors. For more information about legal options for survivors of childhood sexual abuse, contact Jellinek Law Office at: Jellinek Law Office 43 Colborne St. – 3rd Floor, Toronto, ON, Canada, M5E 1E3 Phone: 416.955.4800 Fax: 416.972.1499 Email: [email protected]
Childhood Sexual Abuse – Shame & Guilt
Childhood Sexual Abuse – Shame & Guilt Dr. Brene Brown states that “…guilt is holding something we’ve done or failed to do up against our values and feeling psychological discomfort. She defines shame “…as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging – something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.” Shame includes statements like “I am bad.” Survivors often share this and other examples of shameful self-attributions including “I am unworthy” “I am damaged” and “I am broken.” These are individuals who have tremendous courage, capacity and empathy for others. They are mothers, fathers, brothers, aunts, grandparents, friends and professionals. Often, their positive attributes are minimized by them when speaking about themselves. Shame is writing that script. The profound sense of shame and guilt that permeates their daily life experiences as survivors repeatedly overpowers the potential for acceptance of self-affirmations to surface. Guilt – “I did something bad”. Often survivors will point out that they somehow caused the abuse to happen, they should have fought more or ran or told someone. Some hold onto the guilt of returning to the offender after being abused repeatedly. Such guilt statements are often reinforced by unhelpful societal responses of “Why didn’t you tell someone?” “Why are you coming forward now?” “Are you sure that happened he/she/they were such a nice person; they could never do something like that?” or “what do you think people will say about our family if they knew about this?” Survivors attending The Gatehouse peer support groups are invited to share about their experiences surrounding shame, guilt and vulnerability. Often survivors disclose self-blame, intensified guilt, and a deep sense of unworthiness. Many survivors had led lives riddled by shame and guilt towards themselves and other experiences in the aftermath of childhood sexual abuse that they fear trying new things, they overthink and question themselves and others’ intentions in friendship and professional experiences. How then do we unravel shame? How then do we deal with guilt? Let’s start with telling survivors that we believe them. For survivors reading this, you are worthy, and healing is possible. You were a child and it was not your fault. “Thanks so much in helping me find the strength that I need to carry on in life, to start loving life, my family and most importantly myself.” – Program Participant The Gatehouse can only help survivors of childhood sexual abuse with the generosity of our donors. Every donation makes healing for survivors. $20 per month can make all the difference. Donate today. By: Maria Barcelos, MA, BA, ASIST, Executive Director The Gatehouse Please consider making a donation to help The Gatehouse The Gatehouse, a community based charitable organization that provides much-needed support, resources, and community to survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Survivors of sexual abuse are in desperate need of our support and services and The Gatehouse relies on the generosity of individuals, foundations, and businesses to fund and expand our creative programs including peer support groups, art therapy, wellness workshops, conferences, and the investigation support program. You can donate one time or donate monthly. Your donation helps to transform the lives of those victimized by childhood sexual abuse. Use the form below donate. Thank you for your support.