Childhood sexual abuse and then dealing with getting Covid19
Written by: Stewart Thompson, Program Assistant & Peer Support Facilitator
When I think of the things I have been through, I believed that my healing journey that I forced myself to take on would be all I needed to stay on track to become a better person. At the time, I was a bloody train wreck out of control with no trust in myself. I was a person who had no boundaries, was angry with immense guilt and shame, and damn, I can’t forget about my self-sabotage. Addictions, you see what I mean, I was a train wreck really. This is only a part of my experience. When I finally did start to deal with my trauma, my life started to change. Being someone who lacked any self-worth really made it hard in the beginning as I had no idea what it felt like to be a positive human being. I looked at others claiming they had this power. I felt lost, therefore making this task quite an unbelievable task to achieve, or so I thought at the start. My failings in the process made it too easy to fall back to addictions and poor habits. I guess the best way to say it is that my bad habits were the only way I knew how to cope with my daily life as a CSA survivor.
When I started my healing journey with thegatehouse.org, what helped was being able to be with other survivors and them sharing their experiences. Best examples helping in their struggles along the way just like me, made it feel like I was not alone. This was powerful thinking. Looking back now, I probably didn’t understand the full extent of the profound connection that this experience has given me. Week after week of giving up sometimes and not giving up others. I learned some great tools through these experiences, like coping in the bad days and learning grounding methods such as focusing on the breath and meditation. When these methods did not work anymore, I found new ways to cope that did work. What helped a lot was finally being able to talk about my story, and not just in a book on paper, but in the public, such as colleges and universities. I even started a podcast. All these steps helped me help myself.
Moving forward 9 years later, I have fallen really ill. Hell, I’ve never been this ill before. It’s been a bad cold including a crazy fever, and the fever stayed with me easily for almost two months. It sounds crazy, but it’s true, and the fact I don’t like doctors did not help remedy anything. Those feelings coupled with the lockdown made me more hesitant to want to go to the doctor or to the hospital, falling back to old trust issues. These feelings come from many years ago when I received ECT treatment. From that day forward I lost all trust in the health care system. I got more ill as time moved forward, losing so much weight and now dealing with an eating disorder. This resurfaced other old beliefs from which I thought I sorted out, like my self-worth and feeling that I belonged. I really thought that I was being punished for all the wrongdoings from my past and they were finally catching up with me. These feelings increased, and I believed them more as I got sicker and sicker and as time moved on.
I have not gone back to work from being ill for over two years. This has become something totally unimaginable to me, not understanding, asking myself “why me?” as all I wanted to do was isolate. I’ve hated myself, not liking the way I was starting to look. It was scary even for me not wanting to look in a mirror. Something had to change. I would go to bed just wanting not to wake up. This was something I never experienced before, so I started to figure out what I needed to do. I had to go back to the ways of coping that I had learned at the Gatehouse and also find some new ways too. A new skill I learned was looking after myself. I was never good at that, though I am learning that now. I began to set boundaries with my work life balance. No more 15 hr days working 7 to 14 days straight never taking time for myself. I was finally making a stand to the ways I was treating myself, and it was time to make real changes for me. I have to give credit to my partner first, and second to the Gatehouse support that I received. Third, I’d like to give credit to myself for finally taking charge of me and applying what I have learned by helping myself.
Thank you for reading my journey,
Stewart Thompson