Grooming: Recognizing the Signs

Written by: Anonymous

The effect of childhood sexual abuse carries long-lasting consequences for survivors. Consequences that rob a child and/or adult of their potential. A survivor’s life can be impacted far later in life or early on. While I am not a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I am a survivor of repeated sexual abuse. 

I just turned 18, and he was 25. I was groomed. Being groomed is a process an offender relies on to gradually draw their victim into a sexual relationship maintained in secrecy (Darkness to Light, 2015). The offender may try to gain trust and value through their victim and the victim’s family (Darkness to Light, 2015). I was oblivious at the time; I thought I was unique, getting the attention of someone much older than me. He showered me with gifts and attention. Over time, he gained my trust and used it against me. He separated me from friends and family, made it out to be us against the world, but that was far from the truth. 

The early signs were there; however, I did a good job of hiding what I could. I was angry with myself for how well I kept it hidden. My parents never knew, not until years later when the #MeeToo movement started. I started to hear different stories from other survivors that ignited my journey of healing. During and after my abuse, I was made to think what happened was okay because I never said “no.” I realized years later that I never said no because I was groomed into believing what was happing to me was okay. I was told over and over, “if you love me, then you would do this for me,” “all girlfriends do this for their boyfriends, even if they don’t want to.” 

By the end of the abuse, I had isolated myself from my family, friends, and abuser. I became overwhelmed with anger, resentment, and shame that I had shut off entirely because my abuser tore down my self-esteem and had me believe I wasn’t worthy of anyone. I created a mask of who people wanted to see while I retreated into myself as my way of protecting myself. Because I had isolated myself from him, he grew frustrated and left not long after. It has taken me years to find myself again through the help of a psychologist, therapist, and community. 

I learned how to find my inner self and that it is okay to be vulnerable because I am worthy of connection, healing, and love. I had come to realize that isolating myself was the result of not feeling worthy enough for help. So, I now tell myself that I am enough, I am capable, and I am not alone, a mantra that has changed my life for the better.

What I experienced is only a few of the grooming tactics used. Other signs of grooming behaviour can include: 

  • Special attention, outings, and gifts
  • Isolation from others
  • Filling unmet needs of their victim 
  • Filling needs and roles within the family
  • Treating the child as if he or she is older
  • Gradually crossing physical boundaries and becoming increasingly intimate/sexual
  • Use of secrecy, blame, and threats to maintain control

(Darkness to Light, 2015)

After the #MeToo movement, I found my voice, and with my voice, I aim to help others. Community and support are vital to healing from trauma, something that The Gatehouse provides wholeheartedly.

References

Darkness to Light, D. L. (2015, June 22). Child sexual abuse statistics – darkness to light. Darkness to Light . Retrieved October 29, 2021, from https://www.d2l.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/all_statistics_20150619.pdf.