One of the most harmful myths at the intersection of sexuality and childhood sexual abuse (CSA) is the belief that non-heterosexual identities are caused by trauma. This myth, rooted in a heteronormative society, suggests that survivors of CSA become queer as a result of violence — but research shows there is no direct causal link between CSA and adult sexual orientation. Another critical concept in understanding sexuality after trauma is compulsory heterosexuality, a term introduced by influential feminist theorist Adrienne Rich in her essay Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence. Rich challenges the assumption that heterosexuality is biologically innate, writing, “The assumption that women are ‘innately’ sexually oriented toward men… [and] that the lesbian is simply acting out of her bitterness toward men… are widely current in literature and in the social sciences. Rich also critiques the societal machinery that channels women into heterosexuality, writing that many overlook “the covert socializations and the overt forces which have channelled women into marriage and heterosexual romance… from the selling of daughters to the silences of literature to the images of the television screen.” When the social narrative is that heteronormativity is superlative, and expected, this can make it difficult for survivors to trust or validate their own identities that fall outside of that norm. CSA often occurs during a developmental stage when children are still learning about themselves and all their many identities, values and beliefs. When a child doesn’t yet know their sexual identity, and are still finding their voice and that is taken away with sexual violence, it can feel like the trauma “made us gay” or altered our sexual identity in a way that we haven’t come to terms with. While trauma does not define our sexual identity, it can influence how we come to understand and navigate it — especially in a society that enforces rigid norms around gender and sexuality. Survivors are often left to navigate confusion, shame, and internalized heteronormativity—pressures society imposes long before a person can fully explore or claim their truth. Non-heterosexuality is not a reaction to harm or a form of bitterness toward the perpetrator. That belief not only reinforces the harmful notion that sexuality is a choice, but also strips survivors of the power to define themselves. No one else has the authority to tell you who you are. That is yours alone. Trauma may place roadblocks along your path and shape how you come to know yourself, but it does not define you. Rich calls assimilation “the most passive and debilitating of responses to political repression, economic insecurity, and a renewed open season on difference.” In the context of CSA, many survivors may retreat into heteronormativity as a survival strategy—clinging to socially “safe” identities that feel less risky to disclose. This retreat is not weakness; it’s a response to trauma and systemic pressure. Survivors are often ignored, disbelieved, or blamed. The weight of trauma can fracture their sense of self, teaching them to disconnect from their inner voice and their physical body. Understandably, it can feel overwhelming to then accept and share an LGBTQ+ identity. How do you begin to trust your understanding of your sexuality when you’ve been taught to silence yourself — to question your own truth? A small step you can take is by asking yourself, what is your best hope you’ll get out of being open and honest with yourself? Sometimes, the first step is simply letting yourself hear your own voice. Peer support groups, like those offered by The 519 and PFLAG Toronto, can be a safe place to begin that journey. Another possible step that you can do quietly for yourself, is read about sex and sexuality. While I haven’t read this book yet, I’m hoping to explore it for further insight, and you might want to as well: Reclaiming Pleasure: A sex positive Guide for moving past Sexual Trauma and Living a Passionate Life If you’re interested in hearing the author speak on this topic before diving into the book, you can check out the link below: https://www.buzzsprout.com/1662151/episodes/9517533 Another book, one I have read, is titled Come As You Are. While it’s not directed towards CSA survivors specifically, it offers impactful knowledge to support the readers in understanding themselves, their body so they can engage in sex that is empowering and enjoyable. Because there is no one way to be you. If you decide to explore these books, we’d love to hear what resonated with you — or what didn’t. Sharing your reflections can help others on their path, too.
Childhood Sexual Abuse Healing – Emotional Regulation & Practices
Childhood Sexual Abuse Healing – Emotional Regulation & Practices Written by: Victoria Kong, Previous Placement Student, The Gatehouse Childhood sexual abuse (CSA) can have a wide range of effects in adulthood. Research shows that survivors of childhood sexual abuse can have serious and long-term impacts on their physical and mental health, along with their following sexual adjustment. It is notable that the experience of CSA and the negative emotional impacts can result in damaging a victim’s emotional reactions and self-perceptions. Under these circumstances, survivors of childhood sexual abuse may experience issues with trust. Affecting an individual’s ability to trust others or to perceive the world as being safe. Possible emotional impacts could include feelings of guilt and shame. In effect, assigning self-blame of which a victim may blame themselves or feel that the abuse was their fault. Furthermore, CSA survivors can experience low self-esteem, are prone to feelings of anger, and may find themselves engaging in dissociation in which a victim may disconnect from one’s own thoughts, feelings and memories. Survivors of childhood sexual abuse may also act impulsively and are more likely to self-harm and engage in negative coping strategies (Canadian Mental Health Association, 2013). It is important to provide the support for CSA survivors to address these negative thoughts and painful emotions that come from the trauma of the abuse. Discouraging negative coping strategies and instead work towards developing positive coping mechanisms, establish healthy boundaries in relationships, and to build trust. Developing emotional regulation skills is important in healing from CSA. “Emotional regulation refers to the process by which individuals influence which emotions they have, when they have them, and how they experience and express their feelings. Emotional regulation can be automatic or controlled, conscious or unconscious, and may have effects at one or more points in the emotion producing process.” (Gross, 1998, p. 275) Emotional regulation skills and techniques allow CSA survivors to engage in modulating responses triggered by emotions. The ability to manage, modify and utilize emotions in a way that is beneficial. Every day we experience both positive and negative feelings aroused by the environmental stimuli around us which could require a response or an action. Henceforth, emotional regulation involves (Chowdhury, 2022): Initiating actions trigged by emotions Inhibiting actions triggered by emotions Modulating responses triggered by emotions Emotion regulation skills can be taught and improved over time with practice. Some of the skills that we can learn to self-regulate our emotions are (Klynn, 2021): Create a space – give yourself time between what elicits an emotion (a trigger) and the response (an action triggered). Emotional Awareness – to notice how and what you are feeling. An example would be to realize the physical reactions you may experience. What body parts are you experiencing sensation in? Naming what you feel – to be able to name what you feel allows individuals to have some control. Ask yourself what you’d call the emotion that you’re feeling. Are you feeling sadness, anger, or disappointment? What other emotions are could you be feeling? A strong emotion that often is hidden behind others is fear. Accepting the emotion – realize that your feelings are valid and that emotions are normal and is a natural way of how we respond to the environment. Practice mindfulness – mindful awareness. Live in the moment and utilize your senses to see what is happening around you in non-judgemental ways. Furthermore, there are emotion regulation practices that help manage our emotions and contribute to building positive coping skills (Klynn, 2021): Identify and reduce triggers – look for factors, situations, and or patterns that arouse strong feelings. Being in tune with physical symptoms – bring attention and awareness to how you’re feeling. How you feel physically could influence how you feel emotionally. Which could possibly affect how you may perceive your own emotions (e.g. if you’re hungry). Consider the story you are telling yourself – utilize cognitive reappraisal. With absence of information, we provide our own attributions and fill in the blanks. Practices such as thought replacement or situational role reversal provides new and different perspectives (eg. replace thoughts of “My co-worker just ignored me” with “My co-worker might not have heard me because she/he was busy”). Which provides a wider perspective and allows individuals to react positively. Positive self-talk – find or speak words of positive affirmation. Practice Mindfulness – stepping back and observing the situation, not judging what is coming up for you, simply observe. Focus on breath. Make choice with how to respond to the situation in a way that will be helpful to you. References: Canadian Mental Health Association. (2013). Childhood Sexual Abuse: A Mental Health Issue. https://cmha.bc.ca/documents/childhood-sexual-abuse-a-mental-health-issue-2/#who Chowdhury, M. (2022, March 23). What is Emotional Regulation? + 6 emotional Skills and Strategies. PositivePsychology. https://positivepsychology.com/emotion-regulation/ Gross, J. J. (1998). The emerging field of emotion regulation: An integrative review. Review of General Psychology, 2(3), 271-299. Klynn, B. (2021, June 22). Emotional Regulation: Skills, Exercises, and Strategies. BetterUp. https://www.betterup.com/blog/emotional-regulation-skills
Importance of Community & Belonging
Importance of Community & Belonging Written By: Daniella Tucci, Previous Placement Student , The Gatehouse Childhood sexual abuse (CSA) is a very traumatic lived experience for people to hold onto for the rest of their lives. This type of abuse not only harms people physically, but as well leaves them emotionally scarred. Most often adult survivors struggle with feelings of isolation due to the impact of the abuse. Feelings of community, support, belonging, and trust may start to diminish as individuals isolate themselves from their environment around them. This then results in feelings of unworthiness and loneliness. These feelings of isolation stem from keeping the secrecy of the abuse. Perpetrators may do anything in their power to keep the abuse a secret to avoid consequences, which then puts the survivor in a difficult situation. The relationship between perpetrator and victim is most often power-over, which means it is built on force, coercion, domination, and control, and runs off fear. It is set on the idea that some people (the perpetrator) have power, whereas others (the victim) have none (Stuart, 2019). This relationship can result in the survivor feeling broken, unworthy, and unlovable, amongst other feelings. This power imbalance creates an emotionally draining environment for the survivor, which can lead to future feelings of isolation. CSA is also seen as a taboo topic making it uncomfortable to address, and even disclose. This unaccepting light shed onto an important global concern not only promotes silence in survivors but increases the chance of future abuse. To promote self-awareness as well as community awareness it is important to remind survivors that you are not alone. Although CSA is common, it is vital to remind survivors that this lived experience is not normal, accepting, or okay and what happened to them is not their fault. It has been found that 1 in 10 Canadians reported being sexually victimized before they turned 18 (Afifi et al., 2014). These numbers are disheartening, as a community it is important to highlight the use of one’s voice. By empowering and uplifting one another we can move survivors out of isolation to belonging. It is common for survivors to feel alone at times due to the abuse and relationship they had with their perpetrator. Feelings and thoughts of no one will understand me, accept me, validate me, and appreciate me are common after CSA. A big contributor to this is a lack of trust. Oftentimes trust is stripped away because of the abuse, and it is hard for survivors to rebuild that sense of trust later in life. Although, trust building is a crucial part of the healing journey. To move out of isolation survivors must have confidence in others to hold and honor their experience. Since each person’s story, experience, and coping mechanisms are different, the way in which a person seeks help can appear different as well. It is crucial to never force someone to share their story of CSA, we must accept and respect others’ boundaries and allow them to come forward when they are ready. In times where it is apparent that those around us need support or the motivation to seek help, it is important to lend them a helping hand and guide them down the right path. Overcoming feelings of helplessness, loneliness, and unworthiness require help from those around you, including professionals and loved ones (support systems). Seeking support is a big step, and it is not one you have to take alone. Finding agencies such as The Gatehouse help make starting a healing journey easier. At The Gatehouse we believe that no one should suffer in silence. To build a sense of community, we encourage survivors to share their voice and stories in a safe space where they can be heard. We validate each and everyone’s story of CSA, highlight that you are worthy and capable of moving forward, and help promote community and connections. When seeking support, a person needs to find a place where they can flourish, feel accepted, and not alone – and that is exactly what The Gatehouse offers. Embarking on a healing journey within a community atmosphere has its risks and benefits. Committing to a peer support group can cause feelings to arise, promote triggers and flashbacks, and cause a person to use unhealthy coping mechanisms. This is due to hearing and processing an abundance of information from the facilitators and participants. Although we highlight the risks, we as well highlight that you are not alone. Committing to a group at The Gatehouse provides a person with plenty of supports and resources. Participants learn they are not alone, and although everyone’s stories are different it is enlightening to know that they are not the only person with this lived experience. Making connections, sharing stories, and encouraging growth promote a sense of trust and community. By providing a safe environment where survivors can learn and grow together, it also creates a space where survivors can bond with one another. Peer support groups have an abundance of benefits and although we acknowledge the risks, we have seen a high success rate of healing with a community. Therefore, it is important to heal with a community since it provides support, resources, comfort, and trust that the survivor needs to process and heal from their trauma. Important Reminder: healing is not a linear process, and although some moments on your journey can feel isolating you must remember that you are never alone. Moving out of isolation can be hard, and overcoming unwanted feelings targeted at ourselves can be even harder. At The Gatehouse we promote sharing one’s voice and appreciate, respect, and validate each person’s story. By providing a safe, open, and inclusive space where survivors of CSA can come together to heal, we provide an opportunity to build a sense of community and belonging. Overcoming CSA does not have to be a process one embarks on alone. Through an empowerment approach The Gatehouse can offer a platform for all CSA