For Partners of CSA Survivors – Healing Together  Written By: Sienna Wallwork (she/her/hers), BSc. Family & Community Social Services & Social Service Worker Diploma If you are dating someone who has experienced CSA, educating yourself about sexual violence and the aftermath is essential. Survivors often unintentionally carry their trauma, along with the accompanying feelings of shame, guilt, blame and self-loathing into their intimate relationships. This can create unique challenges in relationships and be hard on their partners, who may feel at a loss to know how to support them through their recovery.  CSA can have many effects on relationships, often impacting trust, control, safety, boundaries, and sexual functioning. Many survivors experience symptoms of PTSD, anxiety and depression, which can all take a toll on the relationship and the survivors’ partner. The healing process varies from survivor to survivor, but it is very common for things to get worse before they get better. It is common for partners of survivors to feel like a spectator, rather than a participant, in their partner’s recovery.  In relationships, the survivor may be triggered during intimacy by a wide range of stimuli including certain sounds (such as music), certain smells (cologne or perfume), a particular kind of touch or a certain tone of voice. While many survivors possess direct memories of what happened to them, they also possess body memories, which are more deeply embedded and cause the survivor to get triggered at seemingly random times. It is also common for survivors to lash out in anger during moments of intimacy, and this anger is often covering up grief and loss. The anger is not directed at the partner but rather the abuser.   Survivors often have a skewed understanding of love, and may feel like the only way to receive love is through performing sexual acts. Survivors may also feel that their only value is as a sex object, rather than a person who deserves love. This often results in feeling an intense responsibility to please their partner, often at the sacrifice of the survivors’ own well-being.  Survivors often experience a range of feelings and these can result in numbness or shutting down when triggered. This may cause the survivor to appear timid or almost entirely absent in the moment. This and showing an intense emotional reaction are both common results of the abuse they survived.  In order to support a partner who has experienced sexual abuse, it is important to be educated on sexual abuse and its’ impacts/aftermath. This is important as it creates a sense of safety and understanding in the relationship. There are many books and articles for partners of survivors, as well as support groups.  Two of the most important things to do to support your partner who survived CSA is to believe them and listen to them. Many survivors carry feelings of self-blame, as well as an intense fear of not being believed. Simply make it clear that you believe your partner, and listen to them as they share their struggles with you. It is okay to ask questions to gain a better understanding of their struggles and the support they need, but be prepared for your partner to need to take their time answering, or not feel comfortable answering some questions at all. It is also important to be careful as some questions may be triggering or upsetting. For example, questions that start with “Why did you…” or “Why didn’t you…” should be avoided, as these can contribute to survivors’ feelings of guilt and shame.  As a partner, it is also important to support your partners’ decisions in their healing process, and not try to control them. It is okay to make polite suggestions for their healing journey, but do not try to control them or shame them for not handling things the way they think they should. The healing process looks different and happens at a different pace for everyone, and this should be respected.  Recommended Reading For Partners of CSA Survivors  Allies in Healing by Laura Davis  The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk  Loving Someone with PTSD: A Practical Guide to Understanding and Connecting with Your Partner after Trauma by Aphrodite T. Matsakis PhD    References  Community approach to sexual abuse & violence. Opening The Circle. (n.d.). Retrieved April 2, 2023, from http://www.openingthecircle.ca/defining-abuse/for-partners-of-survivors-of-sexual-abuse   Government of Canada. (2012, July 26). When Your Partner Was Sexually Abused as a Child. Canada.ca. Retrieved April 2, 2023, from https://www.canada.ca/en/public-health/services/health-promotion/stop-family-violence/prevention-resource-centre/children/partner-sexually-abused-child-guide.html#Ast  

Press Release The Gatehouse Child Abuse Investigation & Support Site commonly referred to as “The Gatehouse” Celebrates 25 Years of Service For Immediate Release Toronto –The Gatehouse is celebrating its 25th Anniversary in 2023! The vision of The Gatehouse and restoration of this space started with Founder Arthur Raymond Lockhart, listening to a survivor share their story. He inspired many people with his idea to reach out to survivors of childhood sexual abuse within this community. The Gatehouse vision is to give all survivors a place to tell their stories, to give them back their voices, to heal their wounds, and to inspire them to see their own potential. Since June 20, 1998, The Gatehouse has helped thousands including children, youth, and adults who have experienced childhood sexual abuse. The Gatehouse programs save lives and foster a safe space for survivors to share in group, practice coping and grounding techniques to address stress, anxiety, nightmares, depression, and isolation that occur as a result of childhood sexual abuse. Celebration Details: We will be celebrating our 25th Anniversary with a BBQ event on Saturday, June 24th, 2023, from 1 pm to 3 pm at The Gatehouse Healing Garden located at 3101 Lake Shore Blvd W., Toronto, ON, M8V 3W8. Registration is required to attend. Free event. Donations welcome. Reserve your ticket here For more information about The Gatehouse programs and services, please visit www.thegatehouse.org To register to attend the event Media Contacts Maria Barcelos, MA Executive Director Cell# 647-270-5429 Email: mbarcelos@thegatehouse.org Lia Antonova Dama Event Management Cell# 416.878.1306 info@damaevents.org

Understanding Shame: How Does Shame Affect Me?  Written by: Brooke Byers, Social Service Work Diploma, Practicum Student  The guilt brought on by the CSA’s subordination, authority, and control might make one feel: Self-blame for the mistreatment; Embarrassed by the abuse and their powerlessness to put a stop to it; A lack of self-worth and low self-esteem can lead to a cycle in which a survivor feels inferior, which can result in unpleasant situations that serve to reinforce such feelings; Negative mental health — Shame can make someone bury their pain, which can exacerbate psychological illness and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD); Even bodily agony might result from shame. Chronic pelvic discomfort, irritable bowel syndrome, and fibromyalgia in the neck, shoulders, and back are a few frequent symptoms that survivors may endure.   Shame has been linked to immune system deterioration as well; Sexual relationships with others – CSA survivors may connect shame and sexual desire with sexual activities; Relationships – Survivors who experience shame worry about how others perceive them. The inability to relate to others personally might result from hiding their maltreatment from partners as well as their sorrow and distress. A person who experiences CSA may feel that they are deserving of receiving unfavourable treatment from others.  It’s important to note that the effects of shame on survivors of CSA are highly individualized, and not all survivors may experience these specific challenges. However, understanding the potential impact of shame can help create awareness and empathy for survivors as they navigate their healing journey. Seeking support from persons you trust, including peer support groups, and psychotherapy to work on building self-compassion can be a crucial step in addressing shame and its effects on various aspects of life. If you are a CSA survivor, how many of the impacts of shame listed do you feel that you identify with?  References   Home – victim support. (n.d.). Retrieved January 16, 2023, from https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2020/11/P2661CSA-survivors-shame.pdf   

Guilt and Shame Among Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse By: Selina Mattison, Social Service Worker Diploma, Practicum Student, The Gatehouse  Extreme shame and guilt are uncomfortable emotions that all survivors face. Two-thirds of children do not disclose their abuse. The shame caused by childhood sexual abuse can create a lack of self-worth and low self-esteem. It can also often make survivors internalize their abuse. So how do guilt and shame affect our brain?  “Guilt and shame share some neural networks in the frontal and temporal areas of the brain, but their patterns are distinctly different. Guilt arises when your behavior conflicts with your conscience. Shame is triggered when we think we’ve damaged our reputation. During fMRI studies, German scientists from Ludwig-Maximilians-University in Munich found that shame set off high activity in the right part of the brain but not in the amygdala. In the guilt state, there was activity in the amygdala and frontal lobes but less neural activity in both brain hemispheres. The researchers concluded that shame, with its broad cultural and social factors, is a more complex emotion; guilt, on the other hand, is linked only to a person’s learned social standards.”  Firstly, I feel it’s important to state that the blame for child sexual abuse lies only and always with the perpetrator and nobody else. However, there is scientific proof of why someone may feel otherwise. Shame being a more complex emotion makes a lot of sense. But why do we feel so much shame for acts that were done to us without our consent? If we saw a child who had broken their leg, we wouldn’t blame them for it, so why is abuse any different? I am going to attempt to understand this phenomenon—as it’s a common occurrence for survivors of CSA.  It’s proven that it is difficult to manage the emotions surrounding abuse and shame. These feelings are often subconscious for survivors. Trauma changes your brain and your way of thinking. So how can we work through self-blame and shame? Shame and guilt aren’t emotions that will fully go away, but figuring out ways to manage them is key to allowing yourself to let go of shame and guilt. It isn’t a quick process, but over time these feelings of shame and guilt can become more manageable.  What I found personally helpful in managing these feelings was talking to someone about my experience. But each person’s coping mechanisms may be different.   Using positive affirmations may be able to help. Whenever you feel these emotions, choose an affirmation and repeat it as a mantra. Choose one thing you like about yourself and use it to help support you. Here are a few affirmations that may be helpful: “I am brave. I am a survivor. I am doing the best that I can. I am a kind person.” You may feel silly while doing it, but over time this can become a helpful ritual.  You are worthy. Healing is Possible.   References   De Martino, B., Camerer, C. F., & Adolphs, R. (2013). Amygdala damage eliminates monetary loss aversion. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 110(15), 6617-6622. doi:10.1073/pnas.1219167110. Retrieved from https://www.pnas.org/doi/10.1073/pnas.1219167110#:~:text=The%20amygdala%20is%20commonly%20thought,to%20threatening%20or%20dangerous%20stimuli.  Michl, P., Meindl, T., Meister, F., Born, C., Engel, R. R., & Reiser, M. (2016). The neural correlates of guilt and shame: A systematic review of neuroimaging studies. Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews, 71, 421-439. doi:10.1016/j.neubiorev. Retrieved from https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27687818/  Rape Crisis UK. (n.d.). Self-blame and guilt. Retrieved from https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/tools-for-victims-and-survivors/self-blame-and-guilt/#:~:text=Whenever%20you%20feel%20thoughts%20of,feel%20more%20positive%20towards%20yourself  Spring, C. (n.d.). Shame and child sexual abuse. Retrieved from https://www.carolynspring.com/blog/shame-and-child-sexual-abuse/  BrainFacts.org. (2019, September 12). Your brain on guilt and shame. Retrieved from https://www.brainfacts.org/thinking-sensing-and-behaving/emotions-stress-and-anxiety/2019/your-brain-on-guilt-and-shame-091219  Victim Support. (2020). Shame and Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse [PDF]. Retrieved from https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2020/11/P2661CSA-survivors-shame.pdf 

Progress is a Circle  By: Elizabeth Jeroy – Community & Justice Services Practicum Student  Progress is a circle. I recently heard this quote on a podcast and it really resonated with me. There will be ups and downs but you have to keep pushing. The person was relating this to their feelings and confidence surrounding their body image but it occurred to me this could work for any area someone is trying to make progress in.  For example, overcoming shame or guilt. This is an ongoing process. It takes time to even be ready to start the journey of working to overcome and once you start it unfortunately isn’t always smooth sailing. People often compare it to a rollercoaster but if, like me, you are afraid of rollercoasters, this makes the journey sound scary. A circle sounds much more practical and effective.   There will be days when you are climbing up one side of the circle, feeling yourself advancing in your healing. But there will also be days when you slide down the other side and hit a low. This doesn’t mean your process isn’t working. It means you’re human and you experience a variety of emotions.   For me, I think about my journey to overcome guilt after I lost my best friend to suicide. They say hindsight is 20/20. There were days I felt shame, like what warning signs did I miss? And then there were other days where I was able to recognize this was no one’s fault. Even now, 3 years later, I still experience both these emotions, but I do recognize the progress I have made in overcoming the guilt.  Whether you call it a circle or a rollercoaster or any other analogy that suits you, remember there will be highs and there will be lows. This is normal. Don’t be defeated. Reach out for support when you need it. There’s no right or wrong timeframe for your journey. Progress is a circle.  

Sacred Path and the Importance of Connecting with Nature  Written by Jasleen Chadha, Placement Student, Social Service Worker  Nature has been known to correlate with our emotions by helping with improving our well-being. The more we are exposed to it the better it improves our mood; however, some might find it hard to find that connection with nature as they might not have the right understanding of how nature and their well-being correspond to each other. Connecting with nature makes us feel closer to the natural world (Richardson, 2018). It can become harder to connect with nature especially now because the world has changed so drastically. There have been many new improvements that people do not have the opportunity to go out to enjoy nature. Often times life situations can come in the way, or even a big change in an individual’s life can affect the ability to enjoy nature (Richardson, 2018).   The type of environment that you are in can impact the emotions that you are feeling, nature plays a huge part in the type of emotions you experience. Studies have shown that nature has also helped with anger reduction. Just being in the presence of nature it helps significantly reduce anger, fear, and stress (Spar, 2022). Urban environments are known to have a more soothing environment as individuals are given a better opportunity to be able to experience nature, whereas people who live in the city are not always able to go out to enjoy some time to take some fresh air (Marques, 2020). It has also been proven to help make a stronger bond with other individuals because people are able to have face-to-face conversations and have a better understanding of emotions whereas, through the screen, people are not able to have those meaningful conversations because they were not able to see what kind of emotions the individual other is feeling.  Connecting with nature has also been shown to improve our health by constantly being surrounded by a positive environment can lead to a decrease in the development of heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, and inflammatory disease, and it can also help improve your immune system (Marques, 2020).  Some things that you can connect with nature is by taking some time to look at your surroundings, for example, you can stop to admire the trees or the flowers or just people walking by or doing an outdoor activity that you like. You can also take some time to go out for a short walk, meditate near the beach, or exercise, gardening. The possibility for outdoor activities is endless however it is up to you to know what type of nature activities best works for you and what does not. From then you can make a routine to better help improve your quality of life (Spar, 2022).  References   Marques, D. (2020, October 19). Connecting with nature: How it benefits our well-being, health and relationships. happiness.com. Retrieved from https://www.happiness.com/magazine/health-body/nature-connection/   Richardson, M. (2018, September 19). Why does a connection with nature improve well-being? Inside Ecology. Retrieved from https://insideecology.com/2018/09/19/why-does-a-connection-with-the-rest-of-nature-improve-well-being/  Spar, M. (2022, April 6). Nature immersion: Understanding the benefits of connecting with nature. Dr. Myles Spar. Retrieved from https://drspar.com/nature-immersion-understanding-the-benefits-of-connecting-with-nature/ 

Resilience & The Sacred Path In our program, we talk about The Sacred Path in the healing journey. The Sacred Path is an integrated approach to healing that focuses on the interconnectedness of the mind, body, and spirituality. For survivors of childhood sexual abuse, the trauma can have long-lasting effects on their physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being. The Sacred Path provides a way to process these effects by incorporating practices that nurture all aspects of the self. One of the key elements of the Sacred Path is the recognition that healing is a journey, not a destination. At The Gatehouse, you will often hear facilitators and staff reinforce the notion that healing is not linear, and it isn’t!  It is a process that requires patience, self-compassion, and a commitment to growth and change. This shift in perspective can be particularly important for survivors of childhood sexual abuse, who may have experienced a sense of powerlessness and hopelessness as children. The Sacred Path also emphasizes the importance of mindfulness and self-awareness in the healing process. By becoming more attuned to our thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations, we can better understand how the trauma of childhood sexual abuse has affected us and begin to develop strategies for coping and healing. Another important aspect of the Sacred Path is a connection to community and support. Survivors of childhood sexual abuse may feel isolated and alone in their experiences, and connecting with others who have gone through similar trauma can be a powerful source of healing and validation. This is the work of The Gatehouse, to connect survivors with other survivors and find validation, safety, and support in the peer support group journey. Survivors of childhood sexual abuse can start on their Sacred Path by taking small steps towards healing and self-care. Here are some ideas to get started on your own path: Seek professional help: Survivors of childhood sexual abuse may benefit from the support and guidance of a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and healing. A therapist or counselor can help survivors develop coping strategies, process their emotions, and develop a plan for healing. Practice self-care: Self-care can be an important part of the healing journey. Survivors can begin by identifying activities that help them feel grounded and centered, such as mindfulness practices, yoga, or spending time in nature. Nurturing the body, mind, and spirit can help survivors build resilience and begin to heal. Connect with others: As mentioned earlier, community connection can be a powerful source of healing for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Survivors can seek out support groups, online forums, or other resources where they can connect with others who have gone through similar experiences. Cultivate self-awareness: Developing self-awareness can be an important part of healing. Survivors can begin by paying attention to their thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations, and learning to identify triggers or patterns that may be impacting their well-being. This can help survivors develop coping strategies and create a plan for healing. Set boundaries: Boundaries can be an important part of the healing process. Survivors can begin by identifying situations or people that may be triggering or harmful, and developing strategies for setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. Find meaning: Survivors can find meaning in their experiences by connecting with a higher purpose or something greater than themselves. This can involve spiritual practices, creative expression, or other forms of self-discovery. Everyone’s healing journey is different. Be kind to yourself.

Poetry & The Sacred path April is Poetry Month! Poetry can be an important tool on the sacred path of healing from childhood sexual abuse. You don’t have to have a degree in English Literature to write a poem. Many survivors at The Gatehouse, have expressed that they are not poets or have a fear of writing. Start with one word to describe you or your day. That one powerful word can then turn into two or three and so on. Don’t judge the word or word(s), write. Poetry can be helpful for survivors for many reasons, including the following: Expression of emotions: Poetry can be a powerful way to express complex emotions that may be difficult to articulate in words. For survivors of childhood sexual abuse, who may have struggled to express their emotions or may have been silenced, poetry can provide a safe and creative outlet for self-expression. Release: Writing poetry can be a liberating experience, allowing survivors to release repressed emotions and trauma. This can help to reduce feelings of anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues. Self-reflection: Poetry can help survivors to reflect on their experiences and gain insight into their thoughts and feelings. This can be an important part of the healing process, as survivors work to understand and make sense of their experiences. Connection: Sharing poetry with others can be a way to connect with others who have gone through similar experiences. This can help to reduce feelings of isolation and shame and foster a sense of community and support. Empowerment: Writing poetry can be an empowering experience, allowing survivors to reclaim their voices and their stories. By sharing their poetry, survivors can challenge the stigma surrounding childhood sexual abuse and raise awareness about the issue. Here are some prompts to get you started with your first poem: Describe a place where you feel safe and peaceful. Write a poem about a person or thing that has helped you on your healing journey. Write a poem about something you have learned about yourself on your healing journey. Remember that these prompts are simply starting points and that there are no right or wrong answers in poetry. The important thing is to allow yourself to express your thoughts and feelings through your writing in a way that feels safe and authentic to you. Please consider submitting your poem to www.globalpoetrymovement.com today and help other survivors find their voice through poetry too.

The Sacred Path – Asking for Help and Overcoming Shame Asking for help is an important part of the Sacred Path. Many survivors may feel ashamed or embarrassed to ask for help, or they may feel that they should be able to handle their healing journey on their own. However, asking for help can be a powerful act of courage and vulnerability, and can be an essential step toward healing.  Overcoming shame associated with asking for help can be a difficult but important part of the healing journey for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Survivors of childhood sexual abuse may feel ashamed of asking for help for several reasons including internalized shame where survivors may feel that the abuse was their fault or that they somehow deserved it. This can lead to feelings of shame and self-blame that make it difficult to ask for help. Survivors may be afraid of being judged by others including being seen as weak or damaged if they ask for help. Additionally, survivors may have difficulty trusting others after experiencing betrayal and trauma. This can make it difficult to open up and ask for help. Here are some reasons why asking for help is part of the Sacred Path: Healing is a journey: Healing from childhood sexual abuse is a process. It takes time, self-compassion, and patience.  Asking for help can provide survivors with the support and resources they need to continue on their journey, even when it feels challenging or overwhelming. Connection: Connection with others is an essential part of the healing journey. Asking for help can help survivors build relationships with others who can offer support, empathy, and understanding. Vulnerability is strength: Asking for help requires vulnerability and courage, and it can be a powerful act of self-care. It takes strength to admit that you need assistance, and it can be a powerful way to take control of your healing journey. It can help break down shame and stigma: Asking for help can help survivors break down feelings of shame and self-blame that can be associated with childhood sexual abuse. By reaching out for assistance, survivors can begin to reframe their experiences and find new ways of relating to themselves and others. It can provide new perspectives: Seeking help from a mental health professional, support group, or another resource can provide survivors with new perspectives and insights that can be helpful in the healing journey. It can also help survivors develop new skills and coping strategies that can be useful in other areas of their lives. Overcoming shame is a powerful step in being able to ask for help. Asking for help can be an act of courage and strength, not weakness. It takes courage to be vulnerable and reach out for assistance when you need it. Here are some strategies to stop shame in its tracks: Challenge negative self-talk: Survivors may have internalized messages of shame and self-blame associated with their experiences of childhood sexual abuse. It can be helpful to challenge these negative thoughts and replace them with more positive and affirming messages. Seek support: Connecting with others who have gone through similar experiences can be a powerful way to overcome the shame associated with asking for help. Survivors can seek out support groups, online forums, or other resources where they can connect with others who can offer empathy and understanding. Reframe asking for help as a positive step: Instead of viewing asking for help as a negative or shameful act, survivors can reframe it as a positive step towards healing and growth. Practice self-compassion: Practicing self-compassion can be an important part of overcoming shame. This involves treating yourself with kindness, understanding, and empathy, rather than self-criticism and judgment. Work with a mental health professional: A therapist or counselor can provide a safe and non-judgmental space for survivors to explore their feelings of shame and develop strategies for overcoming them. It is important to remember that healing from childhood sexual abuse is a unique and individual process, and what works for one survivor may not work for another. You are not alone. Healing is possible. With time, survivors can begin to break down the barriers that shame creates and move towards a place of healing and growth.