By: Sherry Slejska
After all the trauma management and recovery work that I had dedicated my efforts to over the past 3 years, I thought I had inspected nearly every part of my thoughts, emotions, and behaviors and should finally be coming close to the promised land of feeling whole, well-balanced, and effectively navigating through the complexities of life. But the effects of childhood trauma are so broad and deep, and I knew there was still some “detailing” to be done.
Until recent events, I couldn’t isolate the cause but knew I was still having episodes of intense feelings of anticipated rejection; an emotion which agitated a fear response in me which could have easily been dismissed as a PTSD trigger.
As a survivor and student of the art of recovery from trauma—a necessity if you want to grow out of your trauma and into a new version of yourself—I have become very in tune with what is going on in my thoughts, body, and emotions. In fact, I check in with myself a couple of times a day. I know if something is starting to trigger me. I can feel my shoulders, upper back, and jaw tighten. I typically clench my fists, and my throat starts to tighten as well.
My thoughts then become less clear as my limbic system starts to take over, and my foggy brain serves me best by simply grabbing hold of some basic grounding techniques and doing some diaphragmatic breathing to disarm the sympathetic nervous system.
Once disarmed, and the parasympathetic nervous system brings about calm, I find myself tired and in need of some authentic self-care, self-compassion, and rest. Yes, I have PTSD, but it doesn’t manage me—I manage it. Because I have been very dedicated to my healing and management, such episodes rarely occur, and when they do, my recovery is quite rapid.
I’ve also come to realize that PTSD is not an excuse or dumping bucket for every unhelpful behavior, emotion, or thought and that perhaps this very same response can be activated by a cause which sits slightly outside of the “PTSD bucket” or perhaps is better captured within the unofficial diagnosis of Complex PTSD.
Regardless, fear of rejection can have its cause rooted in an adverse childhood, the cause of my PTSD response, and can present itself in maladaptive behaviors as an adult. Using attachment theory as a framework can support an explanation of the unhelpful personality styles some adults experience (Berman, et al., 1994) and presents reason and opportunity to explore alternate diagnoses and treatment of symptoms.
So, let’s revisit the idea of an adverse childhood—the kind peppered with various forms of abuse and neglect—and then turn our attention to the effects. An adverse childhood can take many shapes and can be the outcome of negative environmental influences as well as genetic factors of resiliency and cognitive interpretation by the child at the applicable stage of development.
Some of the known long-term effects include low self-esteem and attachment issues (Steele, 1986).
Attachment issues not only impact children but carry forward into adult years. Mary Ainsworth’s involvement in the study of attachment focused primarily on children, but not all children grow out of these unhealthy adaptive behaviors.
There is ample evidence that attachment as a psychopathology in adults can have considerable adverse implications on the socio-psychological well-being of those adults (Berman et al., 1994).
The adult who has adverse childhood experiences and experiences an exaggerated fear of rejection—the need for reassurance and a subsequent fear response—seems to support that a traumatic childhood may not only propagate a maladaptive attachment style as a child, but it may also continue to impact the adult in an unhealthy attachment style.
Rejection sensitivity is seen in a personality that is overly sensitive to social rejection (Gao et al., 2017). Most people are naturally reactive to experiencing interpersonal rejection and will naturally go to great lengths to avoid it.
Leary (2015) suggests that rejection is emotion translated as “perceived low relational value” and that while rejection can produce intense emotions—pain, fear, anger, anxiety, embarrassment, loneliness, sadness—the opposite of rejection is acceptance, which presents an opportunity for a full range of positive emotions (Leary, 2015).
This seems to present a similar relationship that birth and death present, or good and evil; you simply cannot have one without the other.
So how does a person who has a fear of rejection, the effect of a maladaptive attachment style, manage the subsequent fear response? Or perhaps it’s time to consider how the brain can be trained to accept a new, healthier attachment style that can then produce a more normal response to rejection?
Turning towards science, rejection is thought to be experienced in the dorsal anterior cingulate and anterior insula area of the brain (Kross, 2011). The anterior insula has connections to the limbic system and prefrontal cortex, areas that together may seek to control or avoid painful emotions.
Tao (2019) suggests that mind-body exercises may improve functioning in the cingulate cortex as well. Exercises such as Tai Chi or any exercise that combines mindfulness and movement can be beneficial (Tao, et al., 2019) and strengthen connectivity in the cingulate cortex.
It’s also worth highlighting that the limbic system (the emotional center of the brain) plays a considerable role in the response to rejection; once again reinforcing the idea that an exaggerated response to rejection can simulate a response that might be seen in PTSD.
Learning is another consideration when addressing a response to rejection. Using flow charts to support improved cognition of rejection may improve retention and recall of learned skills. The same is true for the use of cognitive behavior therapy tactics.
Through reframing and creating a deeper interpretation of rejection, mind-body work to enhance and calm neural networks, learning new patterns of response behaviors to perceived rejection, and exposure to rejection, I believe the brain and body can create new connections to support a more normalized response and counter the effects of maladaptive attachment styles in adult survivors of adverse childhoods.
Berman, W. H., & Sperling, M. B. (1994). Attachment in adults: Clinical and developmental perspectives. Guilford.
Bifulco, A., Kwon, J., Jacobs, C., Moran, P. M., Bunn, A., & Beer, N. (2006). Adult attachment style as mediator between childhood neglect/abuse and adult depression and anxiety. Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology, 41(10), 796–805. https://doi.org/10.1007/s00127-006-0101-z
Gao, S., Assink, M., Cipriani, A., & Lin, K. (2017). Associations between rejection sensitivity and mental health outcomes: A Meta-Analytic Review. Clinical Psychology Review, 57, 59–74. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2017.08.007
Kross, E., Berman, M. G., Mischel, W., Smith, E. E., & Wager, T. D. (2011). Social rejection shares somatosensory representations with physical pain. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 108(15), 6270–6275. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1102693108
Leary M. R. (2015). Emotional responses to interpersonal rejection. Dialogues in clinical neuroscience, 17(4), 435–441. https://doi.org/10.31887/DCNS.2015.17.4/mleary
Steele, B. F. (1986). Notes on the lasting effects of early child abuse throughout the life cycle. Child Abuse & Neglect, 10(3), 283–291. https://doi.org/10.1016/0145-2134(86)90004-9
Tao, J., Liu, J., Chen, X., Xia, R., Li, M., Huang, M., Li, S., Park, J., Wilson, G., Lang, C., Xie, G., Zhang, B., Zheng, G., Chen, L., & Kong, J. (2019). Mind-body exercise improves cognitive function and modulates the function and structure of the hippocampus and anterior cingulate cortex in patients with mild cognitive impairment. NeuroImage: Clinical, 23, 101834. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.nicl.2019.101834
The Gatehouse is a community-based charity providing essential support, resources, and community to survivors of childhood sexual abuse. These survivors urgently need our services, and we rely on the generosity of individuals, foundations, and businesses to fund and expand our programs, including peer support groups, art therapy, wellness workshops, conferences, and the investigation support program.
