How Do I Support My Partner/ Friend? 

By: Eden Deak, Practicum Student, The Gatehouse 

Has a friend or partner come to you, entrusting you with their story? Here are some essential tips to keep in mind when supporting a survivor.  Based on my experience, using empathetic listening, trust-building, patience, and positive language helped me become a supportive friend when I was entrusted with their story.  

When your partner comes to you for support, it is essential to understand how childhood sexual abuse (or any abuse for that matter) affects an individual. (Government of Canada, 2012) When dealing with trauma, the most common thing a survivor experiences is the feeling of loneliness and isolation. (CAMH, 2020) My friend disclosed to me that she felt so alone; her family didn’t believe her, and when they did, they shamed her for it. Therefore, it is vital that when a survivor comes to you seeking support, you use empathetic listening to make sure they don’t feel silenced. (Parisi, 2020) 

What is empathetic listening? It is a form of active listening which relies on being compassionate to the speaker’s input by giving support and encouragement rather than advice or criticism. (Indeed, 2020) When your partner or friend shares their experience with you, it is essential to remember to; give your undivided attention, be non-judgmental, observe the emotion behind their words and don’t feel you must have an immediate reply. (Parisi, 2020) I gave my friend a safe space to voice whatever was on her mind without fear of judgment by using empathic listening. I stayed silent and listened to her words and her emotions. The action of me just being there for her as a trusted friend is another significant step towards becoming a better supporter. (Parisi, 2020)  

Building trust for a survivor is an essential element to transitioning from isolation to inclusion. A survivor must form an understanding of the difference between keeping “secrets” and asking someone, in confidence, to hold and honour their experience. (Parisi, 2020) For a supporter to build this trust with their partner/friend, it is vital to be there for them when they need someone to talk to, when they need company and respecting their privacy. Allow the survivor to disclose their experience at their own pace; you want to make them feel comfortable and in control of their healing process. (Parisi, 2020) Building trust can go hand in hand with patience; allowing the survivor to take their time disclosing their experience can sometimes take longer than others. It is important to remember that everyone heals differently at their own pace.  

Lastly, positive langue and words of encouragement can make a huge difference in a survivor’s healing process. Positive language can transform how you and others think and feel, like increasing self-esteem. One example of this is positive affirmations. Remind yourself and your partner; you are loved, you are strong, you are enough, and most of all, you are not alone. 

References

CAMH. (2020, November 1). Recognizing the effects of abuse-related trauma. CAMH. Retrieved September 29, 2021, from https://www.camh.ca/en/health-info/guides-and-publications/recognizing-the-effects-of-abuse-related-trauma.  

Government of Canada. (2012, July 26). When your partner was sexually abused as a child: A guide for partners. Retrieved from https://www.canada.ca/en/public-health/services/health-promotion/stop-family-violence/prevention-resource-centre/children/partner-sexually-abused-child-guide.html#Why  

Indeed Editorial Team. (2020, February 8). Empathic listening: Definition, examples and tips. Indeed Career Guide. Retrieved September 29, 2021, from https://www.indeed.com/career-advice/career-development/empathic-listening.  

Parisi, P. (2020, May 13). Additions to Facilitators Manual. The Gatehouse.