How to Set Healthy Boundaries  

By: Ikjot Sandhu, Practicum Student, The Gatehouse  

Over the developmental years of a child’s life, there are many things a child will learn and skills a child will develop. One of the skills that is vital for children to learn in the early years of their lives is boundary setting. Boundaries are limits and rules an individual sets for themselves in different areas of their life to protect their own mental health.  

A large part of what shapes a child’s perception of what they should accept is influenced by what they see and what they are taught (Registrations, 2013). In a child’s life, when basic needs are met, they are able to grow up feeling safe, therefore having a good understanding of healthy boundaries (Registrations, 2013). However, when children face trauma in their lives such as childhood sexual abuse, they do not learn how to set healthy boundaries later on in their lives. An example of this would be when a child who is being sexually abused is told: “not tell anyone” or to “keep it a secret”. This causes a child to develop a perception that if someone is causing them pain to not reach out for help, but rather deal with it on their own. In contrast, a child who has developed healthy boundaries in childhood would learn to respect their wellbeing and communicate if someone or something is harming them.  

In an article published on healforlife.com, the author discusses how issues with boundaries can present themselves in different forms for individuals who have experienced trauma. In severe cases, “inadequate boundary formation” can present in individuals in a form of mental illness. On the other hand, some survivors who have boundary formation issues can present in more subtle ways such as: 

  1.  It is difficult for you to ask for what you want and need and hard to say ‘NO’ to others when you would like to. 
  2.  It is easier to take care of other people’s needs and desires than your own.  It is also easier to go along with them than express your own opinions. 
  3.  Relationships seem to be one-way and you always put more into them than you get out of them. But even though you’re not getting what you want, you stay with them just the same. 
  4.  Other people’s moods have a big effect on you because you feel responsible for them. When they are happy, you are happy. When they are sad or angry, you blame yourself. 
  5.  People can take or borrow things from you without returning them or repaying you. What’s theirs is theirs and what’s yours is theirs. 

Although issues with setting boundaries are often developed in one’s childhood, it is still very possible for individuals to develop strong boundary setting skills later on in life. Working towards setting healthy boundaries is an ongoing process and will look different for all individuals. Although there many ways in which you can set boundaries, here are some tips that will make it easier for you (Pattemore, 2021):  

  1.  Start small and only set a couple of boundaries so you do not overwhelm yourself. 
  2. Be consistent with your boundaries. 
  3. Make sure to communicate your boundaries or when you feel that they are not being respected.  
  4. Be your own biggest cheerleader and understand that you are capable of making the best decisions for you! 

 References 

Pattemore, C. (2021, June 3). 10 ways to build and preserve better boundaries. Psych Central. Retrieved October 29, 2021, from https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries#10-tips.  

Registrations. (2013, August 13). The effect of trauma on boundary development. Heal For Life. Retrieved October 29, 2021, from  https://healforlife.com.au/the-effect-of-trauma-on-boundary-development/.